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My novel in the works

Blogs > XazXio
Post a Reply
XazXio
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States356 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-19 04:06:11
May 19 2010 03:46 GMT
#1
Hey everyone i have just started to write my novel and i really would love some feed back from the greatest community on the internet.
http://rapidshare.com/files/389005792/AmericanFallout.rtf.
hope you enjoy, its only the first chapter and it is fairly short. please comment if you do read it any advice to make it better will be appreciated, thanks a million.
+ Show Spoiler +
-"Tuesdays here and i can't see

Why that one girl is still lookin' at me

What she want i dont know

She brabbed my hand, said its time to go

Now i know what's going to go

And it ain't going that slow

She taking me back saw what she wear

I come back give lovin' to er' derriere

Come back to my place get some lovin'

A kick and a twirl an' a ole lotta' shovin'"

"Well gee Tom, that song doesn't sound like the nicest one out there, that I've heard."

"Vic it ain't suppose to. It was about this one night down in Atlanta back in 98 when i had a little too much to drink. Let me tell you something Vic, Don't drink, it kills your liver, you don't remember a damn thing and before you know it you wake up with your arm wrapped around a random hoe you found on the side of the road that looked a lot better when you were drunk than sober," said Tom.

"Tom i don't drink, i never have i never will. Alcohol is the bad man's drink, the devils blood in a cup my pa always say don’t drink or you’ll go to hell,” replied Vic taking another drink of water from his canteen that was thrown over his shoulder.

“Nah Vic, you don’t go to hell for drinking. Only people like rapist and prostitutes go to hell. That and Mormons, fuck those bible pushers jumping in suits and riding their bikes all in Utah. Would not be surprised if they came right from hell as a spawn of Satan,” he said laying down into the cool grass and looking up at the stars, “Yup all from hell, luckily we in Georgia and they all dead and in hell by now.”

“Really? That bad? Wow my pa never told me nuttin’ about them Mormon fellows. He only said that there was one god and anyone that think other wise is nuttin’ but an atheist loony.”

“Yup Vic that bad. But the bad men ain’t going to get us anymore. They all gone and we are still here. It’s late Victor you should lie down too get some sleep, we be headin’ for Alabama tomorrow and you’ll want yer energy for the trip.”

“Okay Tom, but you gotta play some of your fancy guitar in the mornin’. The sound can sooth the beast and it can sooth Vic as well,” said Vic as he lied in the grass looking at Tom with a wide smile on his face.

Tom said back smiling too, “Of course Vic, I love playin’ it and you love listenin’ so it works out good.”
_____________________________________________________________________________

There was a sea of people, most angry some in shock and fear and others just breaking down in tears. It was early May and they were all out side of the Washington District Presidential Speech Stage. The president of the United States stepped out onto the large stage and hobbled to the podium that was covered in so many microphone wires that you could not see the wood of the podium, just a wall of wires. A huge screen projecting the image of the president was behind him and beside that were monster speakers twice the size of the five foot podium in height and width boomed as the president began his speech.

“My fellow Americans,” began the president with the most famous line in American politics, “We are in a state of great warfare danger. The Russians and the British have assembled weapons of mass destruction against the United States.” As he said this a great moan came from the crowd of people with a lot of side talk about the news. “We are doing what we can to get out of this dire situation as well as we possibly can.” Silence had one again came over the crowd as their eyes glued to the president such as a child watching televised cartoons on Saturday morning. There was a slight breeze in the wind as cherry petals flew from the masses of trees across the street from the speech.

“We have decided that the best counter act to this aggression from Russia and Britain is a risky one. We are going to declare war against Russia and Britain using nuclear means of weaponry.” A great fear had swept over the crowd of people as they struggled to get away from the site. Some ran alone, some grabbed their children and ran, their girlfriend and ran, but no one stayed still. The words of the most powerful man in the country was to the crowd as a rock to a beehive. And such as in a rock to a beehive once you hit it, they come out and they start to sting.

“I know that all of you are struck with worry and great fear, however we have encampments in the parks of our major cities that will provide shelter, proper nourishment, and simple items. And I can ensure you my fellow Americans we will be safe, we will be free, and we will be victorious. Thank you my fellow Americans! We are America the greatest, freest country in the world! Let freedom ring! Let us be heard! We are America, America, America,” yelled President Trinity as he left the stage.

He walked from the podium still in a limp from his sprained ankle. He walked passed an army captain and said, “Take care of them.” and continued walking down the stairs to back stage. It was once in his armored SUV that he heard the sounds of gun shots and screams. He knew what he did, he ordered thousands of people that he promised to save to be executed. But he couldn’t help but have a smirk on his face as he removed the cap from the bottle of beer he picked up from the cooler in the SUV.
____________________________________________________________________________
It was around seven thirty in the morning when Tom woke up Vic from his sleep. Vic was a person that snored when he slept, at first Tom did not get any sleep, but he later found ear plugs that he wore at night in order to block out the sound of Tom’s unconscious breathing. Tom went to the creek that they have been following for the past week up stream until they found a larger branch that led to the Mississippi then they would go up the Mississippi and break off to Cincinnati. Tom took off all his clothes and got into his bathing suit and went into the extremely cold water. His nipples shot out of his chest as he put his left leg into the water. In ten minutes Tom was out and walking around camp still waiting till his body dried out. At this time Vic was up from his sleeping bag and was dressed.
“Tom play it play the guitar, i wanna hear the noise again, its so beautiful, please Tom play it again,” begged Vic.
“ In a little bit Vic when i have all my clothes on, until then we can eat these blue berries i found by the stream for breakfast.”
“Oh boy! I love blue berries! They taste so good especially in pancakes. Oh! Oh, Tom are we going to have pancakes! Please i love pancakes!”
“Possibly if we find some batter in the next town. Also we need a skillet to cook it on, but i don’t see why not.”
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I love pancakes, i have never had pancakes in so long, so long!”
“Easy Vic easy,” said Tom smiling with his rear hanging out in the morning wind, “I’m going to go get my clothes from the creak, come back and play the guitar for you. But then we gotta get going west.”
Tom did as he said he went back to the edge of the creak and got his clothes and put them on hat and all. He came back up the hill to their camp and grabbed his guitar. Vic was sitting down on the other side of the were the fire had been the night before.
“Vic want a nice song! Not like the one last night full of drinking and sex slaves,” demanded Vic in a deep voice.
“Alright Vic. How about this,” asked Tom as he tuned his guitar and then started to play finger picking the strings of the acoustic.

-“I would do, anything for you
Is it as deep, the feelings i have for you
And I love you, I really do
And I will follow through

Rain time, sun time, windy too
I’d do anything for you
Spring time, winter, all year round
Whats this love that I’ve found

Coming with time, only grow strong
My love, our love, we wont go wrong
I asked again, and a yes came
In the first week, it was tame

Trying to advance, let things grow
Loves like a river, go with the flow
We’ll be together, until the very end
So much time together, that we spend”

Vic started jumping up and down clapping his hands together as though he just celebrated his sons first hit at his little league.
“Yay! More, more Vic want more!”
“Sorry Vic, we have to get going like i said we need to pack up and get going up the creak. Maybe i’ll play some more when we stop for lunch in the next town. And we’ll see around for those pancakes of yours.”
“Awww, Vic likes the guitar. But pancakes yay for Vic he gets pancakes! Okay lets pack up and go now,” responded Victor from a sad to happy mood as he went towards his items.
As Vic and Tom started to hike northwest Tom was also thinking. Look at this shit we’re in. I’m the only sane person out here and the only other person i found was this retard. So now there is an old alcoholic musician and a big young slightly retarded guy. I really hope that we find someone else that will go along with us. We truly are in this nuclear wasteland. And with that final though Vic and Tom walked down the road to Petersburg.


*
How does food become poo?
ella_guru
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Canada1741 Posts
May 19 2010 03:52 GMT
#2
POST THE TEXT!!?
Each day gets better : )
deth
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Australia1757 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-19 04:34:00
May 19 2010 04:05 GMT
#3
-edited out the text, OP includes it now.

Honestly, this is the quality of a completely rushed draft. Filled with grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors, it reads like B-grade fan fiction. You might think this post is harsh, but you really need to go back, read through the whole piece out loud and fix the errors. Set the scene at first as well, give context, introduce things.
mmp
Profile Blog Joined April 2009
United States2130 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-19 04:50:57
May 19 2010 04:11 GMT
#4
I hate it.

If the OP has genuine interest in writing, I'd recommend starting small with 500-100 word short stories. Try to communicate your message in the simplest collection of words you can imagine. A good novel grows out of a simple story that couldn't be left to so few words.

If that's difficult to achieve, I'd recommend reading more literature from various authors and try to get a feeling for what grammar and styles work. You cannot be serious about writing if you aren't serious about reading the immanitous body of literature before you.

And finally, be ready to throw away everything you've drafted and start from scratch. Things can only get better.
I (λ (foo) (and (<3 foo) ( T_T foo) (RAGE foo) )) Starcraft
ShoCkeyy
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
7815 Posts
May 19 2010 04:21 GMT
#5
On May 19 2010 13:11 mmp wrote:
I hate it.


Can you at least say why you hate it?
Life?
Jyvblamo
Profile Blog Joined June 2006
Canada13788 Posts
May 19 2010 04:24 GMT
#6
On May 19 2010 13:05 dethrawr wrote:
heres the text

+ Show Spoiler +
-"Tuesdays here and i can't see

Why that one girl is still lookin' at me

What she want i dont know

She brabbed my hand, said its time to go

Now i know what's going to go

And it ain't going that slow

She taking me back saw what she wear

I come back give lovin' to er' derriere

Come back to my place get some lovin'

A kick and a twirl an' a ole lotta' shovin'"

"Well gee Tom, that song doesn't sound like the nicest one out there, that I've heard."

"Vic it ain't suppose to. It was about this one night down in Atlanta back in 98 when i had a little too much to drink. Let me tell you something Vic, Don't drink, it kills your liver, you don't remember a damn thing and before you know it you wake up with your arm wrapped around a random hoe you found on the side of the road that looked a lot better when you were drunk than sober," said Tom.

"Tom i don't drink, i never have i never will. Alcohol is the bad man's drink, the devils blood in a cup my pa always say don’t drink or you’ll go to hell,” replied Vic taking another drink of water from his canteen that was thrown over his shoulder.

“Nah Vic, you don’t go to hell for drinking. Only people like rapist and prostitutes go to hell. That and Mormons, fuck those bible pushers jumping in suits and riding their bikes all in Utah. Would not be surprised if they came right from hell as a spawn of Satan,” he said laying down into the cool grass and looking up at the stars, “Yup all from hell, luckily we in Georgia and they all dead and in hell by now.”

“Really? That bad? Wow my pa never told me nuttin’ about them Mormon fellows. He only said that there was one god and anyone that think other wise is nuttin’ but an atheist loony.”

“Yup Vic that bad. But the bad men ain’t going to get us anymore. They all gone and we are still here. It’s late Victor you should lie down too get some sleep, we be headin’ for Alabama tomorrow and you’ll want yer energy for the trip.”

“Okay Tom, but you gotta play some of your fancy guitar in the mornin’. The sound can sooth the beast and it can sooth Vic as well,” said Vic as he lied in the grass looking at Tom with a wide smile on his face.

Tom said back smiling too, “Of course Vic, I love playin’ it and you love listenin’ so it works out good.”
_____________________________________________________________________________

There was a sea of people, most angry some in shock and fear and others just breaking down in tears. It was early May and they were all out side of the Washington District Presidential Speech Stage. The president of the United States stepped out onto the large stage and hobbled to the podium that was covered in so many microphone wires that you could not see the wood of the podium, just a wall of wires. A huge screen projecting the image of the president was behind him and beside that were monster speakers twice the size of the five foot podium in height and width boomed as the president began his speech.

“My fellow Americans,” began the president with the most famous line in American politics, “We are in a state of great warfare danger. The Russians and the British have assembled weapons of mass destruction against the United States.” As he said this a great moan came from the crowd of people with a lot of side talk about the news. “We are doing what we can to get out of this dire situation as well as we possibly can.” Silence had one again came over the crowd as their eyes glued to the president such as a child watching televised cartoons on Saturday morning. There was a slight breeze in the wind as cherry petals flew from the masses of trees across the street from the speech.

“We have decided that the best counter act to this aggression from Russia and Britain is a risky one. We are going to declare war against Russia and Britain using nuclear means of weaponry.” A great fear had swept over the crowd of people as they struggled to get away from the site. Some ran alone, some grabbed their children and ran, their girlfriend and ran, but no one stayed still. The words of the most powerful man in the country was to the crowd as a rock to a beehive. And such as in a rock to a beehive once you hit it, they come out and they start to sting.

“I know that all of you are struck with worry and great fear, however we have encampments in the parks of our major cities that will provide shelter, proper nourishment, and simple items. And I can ensure you my fellow Americans we will be safe, we will be free, and we will be victorious. Thank you my fellow Americans! We are America the greatest, freest country in the world! Let freedom ring! Let us be heard! We are America, America, America,” yelled President Trinity as he left the stage.

He walked from the podium still in a limp from his sprained ankle. He walked passed an army captain and said, “Take care of them.” and continued walking down the stairs to back stage. It was once in his armored SUV that he heard the sounds of gun shots and screams. He knew what he did, he ordered thousands of people that he promised to save to be executed. But he couldn’t help but have a smirk on his face as he removed the cap from the bottle of beer he picked up from the cooler in the SUV.
____________________________________________________________________________
It was around seven thirty in the morning when Tom woke up Vic from his sleep. Vic was a person that snored when he slept, at first Tom did not get any sleep, but he later found ear plugs that he wore at night in order to block out the sound of Tom’s unconscious breathing. Tom went to the creek that they have been following for the past week up stream until they found a larger branch that led to the Mississippi then they would go up the Mississippi and break off to Cincinnati. Tom took off all his clothes and got into his bathing suit and went into the extremely cold water. His nipples shot out of his chest as he put his left leg into the water. In ten minutes Tom was out and walking around camp still waiting till his body dried out. At this time Vic was up from his sleeping bag and was dressed.
“Tom play it play the guitar, i wanna hear the noise again, its so beautiful, please Tom play it again,” begged Vic.
“ In a little bit Vic when i have all my clothes on, until then we can eat these blue berries i found by the stream for breakfast.”
“Oh boy! I love blue berries! They taste so good especially in pancakes. Oh! Oh, Tom are we going to have pancakes! Please i love pancakes!”
“Possibly if we find some batter in the next town. Also we need a skillet to cook it on, but i don’t see why not.”
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I love pancakes, i have never had pancakes in so long, so long!”
“Easy Vic easy,” said Tom smiling with his rear hanging out in the morning wind, “I’m going to go get my clothes from the creak, come back and play the guitar for you. But then we gotta get going west.”
Tom did as he said he went back to the edge of the creak and got his clothes and put them on hat and all. He came back up the hill to their camp and grabbed his guitar. Vic was sitting down on the other side of the were the fire had been the night before.
“Vic want a nice song! Not like the one last night full of drinking and sex slaves,” demanded Vic in a deep voice.
“Alright Vic. How about this,” asked Tom as he tuned his guitar and then started to play finger picking the strings of the acoustic.

-“I would do, anything for you
Is it as deep, the feelings i have for you
And I love you, I really do
And I will follow through

Rain time, sun time, windy too
I’d do anything for you
Spring time, winter, all year round
Whats this love that I’ve found

Coming with time, only grow strong
My love, our love, we wont go wrong
I asked again, and a yes came
In the first week, it was tame

Trying to advance, let things grow
Loves like a river, go with the flow
We’ll be together, until the very end
So much time together, that we spend”

Vic started jumping up and down clapping his hands together as though he just celebrated his sons first hit at his little league.
“Yay! More, more Vic want more!”
“Sorry Vic, we have to get going like i said we need to pack up and get going up the creak. Maybe i’ll play some more when we stop for lunch in the next town. And we’ll see around for those pancakes of yours.”
“Awww, Vic likes the guitar. But pancakes yay for Vic he gets pancakes! Okay lets pack up and go now,” responded Victor from a sad to happy mood as he went towards his items.
As Vic and Tom started to hike northwest Tom was also thinking. Look at this shit we’re in. I’m the only sane person out here and the only other person i found was this retard. So now there is an old alcoholic musician and a big young slightly retarded guy. I really hope that we find someone else that will go along with us. We truly are in this nuclear wasteland. And with that final though Vic and Tom walked down the road to Petersburg.


Honestly, this is the quality of a completely rushed draft. Filled with grammatical, punctuation and spelling errors, it reads like B-grade fan fiction. You might think this post is harsh, but you really need to go back, read through the whole piece out loud and fix the errors. Set the scene at first as well, give context, introduce things.

Even without grammar mistakes, this reads like B-grade fan fiction.
GuYuTe-
Profile Joined February 2005
United States550 Posts
May 19 2010 05:02 GMT
#7
The British have weapons of mass destruction they are trying to use on the US?

I stopped reading right there, and that was already after about 15 grammatical errors.
Caller
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
Poland8075 Posts
May 19 2010 05:07 GMT
#8
+ Show Spoiler +
"Tuesdays here and i can't see
Why that one girl is still lookin' at me
What she want i dont know
She grabbed my hand, said its time to go

Now i know what's going to go
And it ain't going that slow

She taking me back saw what she wear
I come back give lovin' to er' derriere
Come back to my place get some lovin'
A kick and a twirl an' a ole lotta' shovin'"


As the last rays of sun peeked through the hills, so did the last notes of his song fade out. One by one, the strings ceased to vibrate, until there was nothing.

"Well gee Jonny Boy, that song made less sense than my last math test."

One nice thing about guitars, John thought, was that they never judged you or your singing.

"Vic it ain't suppose to. It was about this one night down in Atlanta back in 98 when i had a little too much to drink. Let me just tell you, Vic, that you never know what happens when you're drunk." .

"Jonny, I don't drink, never have and never will. Alcohol is the devil's blood in a cup, my pa always say don’t drink or you’ll go to hell,” replied Vic as he guzzled the last dregs of his canteen, water dripping out of that leaky beat up piece of junk.

“Nah Vic, you don’t go to hell for drinking. Only people who sell their souls go to hell. Well, aside from those Mormons, those bible pushers jumping in suits and riding their bikes all in Utah. Wouldn't be surprised if they came right from hell as a spawn of Satan,” he said laying down into the cool grass and looking up at the stars, “Lucky for us we're in Georgia and they all dead and in hell by now.”

“Okay, Jonny-boy, whatever you say. You gotta play some of your fancy guitars in the morning, though. The sound can sooth the beast and calms me down as well,” said Vic as he lied in the grass looking at John with a smirk on his face.

Tom said back smiling too, “Of course Vic. Just bring out that piece of crap you call a drum set and we'll have us a nice lil' jam session."

_____________________________________________________________________________

There was a sea of people gathered in the school assembly hall that day. Most of them were excited, but some were in shock and fear and others were just breaking down in tears. It was early April and they were all inside the school, some for the first time. The president of the seitokai stepped out onto the large stage and hobbled to the podium that was covered in a sea of wires. A huge screen projecting the school was behind him and beside that were monster speakers twice the size of the five foot podium in height and width boomed as the president began her speech.

"Good morning, everyone” began the president with the most banal, overused line in student politics. "We are welcoming you all to your first year at Sakura High School." As she said this a great cheer came from the crowd of students with a lot of side talk about their new school. “We hope that you all will be able to enjoy your stay here and be a part of our student community.” Silence had one again came over the crowd as their eyes glued to the president. She noted how the freshman class seemed shorter than last year's. Some of them looked like they still watched televised cartoons on Saturday morning. There was a slight breeze in the wind as sakura petals flew from the masses of trees across the street from the speech.

“One of the requirements of this school is that you must join a club of some sort or another," she continued. She watched as excited first-years started busily digging through the list of all the clubs. "Whether it's the Judo club or the tea ceremony club, we hope that you will find something that you enjoy."

“I know that all of you are struck with worry and great fear: however, your senpais are here to make sure that you know what's going on. Don't be afraid to ask any of them for help or advice, and the teachers as well. The fact that you are here already tells us about your ability," she continued, as she reached the climax of her speech. "Now let's all have a good year!" cried the president as she left the stage.

She walked from the podium, hands still shaking from a combination of nervousness and calluses. She walked passed an club president and said, “Take care of them.” and continued walking down the stairs to back stage. It was back in her classroom that she heard the sounds of hundreds of excited students, cheers, laughter, and screams of delight. She knew what she had done: she had inspired hundreds of students to follow in her footsteps towards maturity. She allowed herself a smile as she picked up a Pocari Sweat from the vending machine.
____________________________________________________________________________

It was around eight in the morning when Vic woke up John from his sleep. John was a person that was impossible to wake up: at first Vic did not get any response, but he later found a loud enough alarm clock in order to penetrate the deep dreams of John. He then yelled at John to wake up for school.
"What time is it?" cried John as he shot up in his bed. He glanced at the alarm clock and recoiled in shock, and proceeded to swap into his sailor fuku as he flew out of bed. As he grabbed his bag, he lost his balance and tripped on the floor.
"Ouchies," he moaned, as he got back up and dashed out the door, his confused friend staring behind.
When he got to school, his first thought was to dash into the light music club room, where he found, of course the rest of the members.
“Johnny, play it, play the guitar, I want to hear your music again," begged Sam. "It's so beautiful, please Johnny, play it again,”
“ In a little bit, I haven't had any food, and I want some cake.”
“Oh boy! I love cake! They taste sooooo good. Oh! Rudy, are we going to have cakes! Please I love cakes!”
“Let me prepare the tea first, okay?”
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I love cake, what kind of cake are we going to have today?”
“Easy, Sam, easy,” said Moe, smiling with his four collars popped. “I’m going to go get the paperwork, come back and then we can have our practice. But then we have to finish our registration.”
Moe did as he said, coming back with a massive pile of papers that slammed into the table. John meanwhile entertained himself with a massive slice of angel food cake. As he finished digesting the slab of sugar, he picked up his Gibson. Vic was sitting down on the other side of the table.
“I want a nice song! Not like the one last night full of dirty words,” demanded Vic in a deep voice.
“Alright Vic. How about this,” asked John as he tuned his guitar and then started to play, fingers strumming away at the strings of the Les Paul.

"I wonder why it is
On this worrying night
I'm writing on paper
These feelings to you

Could it be that
I'm just being whimsical?
But the sheets will only
Keep on increasing

An equation to calculate the chances of love
It'd be nice if I had one

My sparkling, shining wishes
Have slopped in with my worries
That's right, let's just staple them together
My mood was only simple at the start
But it got hot inside without me knowing
And somehow the staples no longer go through
La, la, see you tomorrow"


Vic started jumping up and down clapping his hands together as though he just celebrated his first 100 on a math test.
“Yay! More, more, I want to hear more!”
“Sorry Vic, we have to have everyone practice equally if we want to get to the Budokan. You should play your drums too!”
“Awww, I don't really feel like playing right now," Vic complained. His face then lit up. "But cake, yay for us, delicious cake!"
As the rest of the club gorged themselves on all sorts of tasty pastries, John plugged his guitar into the amp and waited for everyone to finally get into their positions.
As everyone else started warming up, John was also thinking. Look at how much fun we're having. I’m not the only wandering soul out here. With me and my friends, we have a band that can hopefully make it to the Budokan someday before we graduate. I really hope that there is someone else that will go along with us. We truly are in the time of our lives. And with that final thought, the band played Waltzing Matilda.


The above is a better example of B-level fan fiction.

I now need to detox by listening to death metal. Jesus that was horrifying.
Watch me fail at Paradox: http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=397564
deth
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Australia1757 Posts
May 19 2010 05:10 GMT
#9
Read this to know what NOT to do.
http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm
Caller
Profile Blog Joined September 2007
Poland8075 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-19 05:13:12
May 19 2010 05:11 GMT
#10
On May 19 2010 14:10 dethrawr wrote:
Read this to know what NOT to do.
http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm

no, read my example of b-level fan fiction

i sacrificed part of my soul to get through some of the background source, somebody better appreciate it -_-

"What's the best way to make a parody of this?"
"Do something silly and frivolous that vaguely involves guitars."
"Hmm, what could that be...?"

oh god... my sanity...
Watch me fail at Paradox: http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=397564
ShaperofDreams
Profile Blog Joined December 2008
Canada2492 Posts
May 19 2010 06:06 GMT
#11
err guessing by the response I suppose the sample isn't good. Don't take it harshly and please remember that everybody has to start, attempting to write a book so fast is like trying to win an OSL in your first month/year of bw.

Books are ridic hard..I suggest really short stories, write lots of them and review them.

Also read a lot and pay attention to what writers do, its like watching a Flash FPVOD.
Bitches don't know about my overlord. FUCK OFF ALDARIS I HAVE ENOUGH PYLONS. My Balls are as smooth as Eggs.
EsX_Raptor
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States2801 Posts
May 19 2010 07:03 GMT
#12
In my opinion.

What makes a good book or writer? Thought abstraction.

One of the most noticeable rookie writing mistakes is to immerse the reader in redundant detailing just for the sake of occupying space or providing a very detailed picture for the reader. This will be as meaningful as studying a nail in a building or taking a look around the bathroom when you're taking a shit.

The more you make your readers think with every word you write the more interested they'll be in deciphering your puzzle, compared to having them just skip whole paragraphs because of the unnecessary babbling.
QuanticHawk
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
United States32075 Posts
May 19 2010 15:06 GMT
#13
you have a ton of errors in your grammar, punctuation etc....

while that's bad enough, you have a bunch of other things (many of which have been touched on). raptor nails a main one, just jamming shit in for no reason at all. yes, you want show, not tell, but that doesnt mean do it for the sake of doing it.

i have no idea why there's dudes playing a guitar and then all the sudden a president (who sounds nothing like a president, your diolouge is bleh) is talking about nuking people. that whole bit there is so ridiculous. the brits and russians? unprovoked nuclear attack? ordering for people to just be wasted? i know it's not real life, but it's got to be somewhat believable.
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