Cave of Wonders

The young boy, crawling his way through the small hole, entered yet another room lit by a bright fire. His nerves were not at all reassured by the ominous music that would always play whenever he came into these eerie caves. He jumped up from the roadway that he crawled into onto an exactly box shaped ledge with a fire in its centre. He needed to take a rest after all of this infernal climbing and crawling.

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw several swaying objects. If it were not for the flickering fire-light, he would never have seen them. Slowly turning his head around, the boy spotted several corporeal bodies, which appeared to be sitting down yet slowly swaying from side to side, emitting a low and repetitive groan.

The boy frantically looked for a path to continue; anywhere but the roadway that he had entered from, lest he meet more of "them". He suddenly realized that the fire was not the only source of light within the room; the bodies seemed to be sitting right on the edge of what appeared to be a very slight glow of sunlight.

The boy finally had his lucky break! Both sunlight and a path to escape this accursed cave. Slowly jumping down from the ledge with the fire with a light "Hup!", the boy climbed upon the wall separating the roadway from the ascent to the sunlight, and his escape from this infernal cave.

As he prepared to jump off the small wall separating him from glorious escape, the boy's heartbeat became more and more erratic. He knew that if he took a light jump, he would be able to land in the midst of the diffused daylight and escape to safety. He knew that he could, that he would, but... would he?

As he became increasingly worried, he said to himself, "To hell with this," and ACCIDENTLY jumped off the wall with full speed despite meaning to merely fall off the wall.

Landing in the midst of the wasted away bodies with those soulless eyes, he heard several shrieks, akin to that of a grown woman's, blasted at him from all sides. He was soon overcome by a mob of corporeal figures which each took their turn straddling themselves on his virgin neck and strangling his face and neck to death, one heart at a time.

And in the midst of his doom, the young boy heard a voice above him. Only two words were actually heard, the rest drowned over the screaming and eminent death of that young boy:

"Hey! Listen!"

Damn those redeads, they always scared me so much when I was a kid

This is pretty much the story of my life while playing OoT, I would always accidently running-jump off an edge whenever I meant to fall down lol :/ and I would always restart the game whenever I died so that I could pretend to be a pro in front of my bro lol :D

I hope that the "real and apparent worlds" never merge lol, who would want to get humped to death by a really skinny pedobear?

as i walked into the cave, i found john cleese naked, lying on the ground in a fetal position shivering like he's seen a ghost, so i asked him what's wrong, and he said, "we tried to get it, boy...but we failed. WE FAILED!" i looked up at the darkness that lied ahead, looked back at him, and said, "ok lemme try," then he got up and pulled me by the collar, with his junk jiggling and his moustache stiffening and his eyes widening. "don't do it, boy," he said, "if a man like me can't get the key, surely you can't either!" and i replied, "yeah but you're old" and he let go of my collar, and i continued to walk into the cave. i heard him cry from behind.

it got darker and darker inside the cave and my urge to pee got bigger and bigger. i eventually couldn't hold it in any longer, so i decided to pull my pants down and take a piss, but i couldn't see where i was aiming since it was so dark, so i imagined a glistening ivory urinal in front of me complete with a urinal cake and cake holder with the beatles playing in the background, but my daydreaming got interrupted by a monstrous roar from my right. i turned frantically with my fly still open, not knowing what's going on or what's going to happen to me. and then, a small light shined at my face and got closer and closer. the roaring also got louder. the light soon revealed a dark figure behind it, and i eventually identified who it was. "chuck schuldiner? is that really you?" i asked.

the light pulled back to reveal the figure, who was indeed chuck schuldiner. "yep it's me"

"wow!" i exclaimed, "you're really not dead after all!"
"nah i'm not," chuck said, "i just ran away from society and told my bandmates to lie about my death so i can live life the way i wanted to: in caves. plus, i can practice my death metal growls in case i ever come back. nice acoustics in here."

we stood across from eachother for a few moments, then i asked, "say uhh, you don't happen to know if there's an SC2 beta key around here, do you?"

"actually, there is a key lying somewhere in here," chuck said, "but it's deeper into the cave, and there's a lot of nasty shit in there. are you going in there? lemme tell you, i've seen many people try and get the key, and the only person to come out was john cleese, and he even didn't get it. you should turn around and head back, man, im warning you. also, your pants zipper is open." he flashed his flashlight at my junk.

i zipped my pants up and said, "thanks, but im not heading back, i need that key!" i walked away and deeper into the cave. the light from chuck's flashlight started fading. chuck knew what i was getting myself into, and made one last cry to convince me to change my mind.

"you know people on teamliquid are practically giving keys away all the time on the forums, why not participate in that instead of risking your life to get one?!"

i stopped for a brief moment and said quietly, "cuz people always get them before i do" and started heading down again. he caught up to me and stopped me by placing his hand on my shoulder, then he handed me an extra flashlight. "take this, then. you'll need it."

i thanked him and continued walking. then he yelled again, "if you do make it out of the cave alive, can you collect and bring back the flashlights i gave to all those other guys who went in? that's my last spare flashlight you have in your hands you know!"

i walked for a good 20 minutes after my encounter with chuck. my legs grew weary, my mind started fading in and out like i was beginning to lose consciousness, so i rested for a minute before going any further into the cave. and then i heard a growling noise, but it didn't sound like chuck's growls, it sounded completely different, like it wanted to bite my head off. so i stood back up immediately and pointed my flashlight at random directions looking for the source of the noise. suddenly, the earth below me started crumbling and massive, green, glowing claws emerged to grab me by the legs, fixating me to the ground. Slimy tentacles descending from above and took my flashlight and tossed it to the ground, breaking it. fortunately, they were emitting enough light to reveal a majority of the cave. soon enough, the monster revealed itself in front of me and let out a roar so terrifying that it would cause menstruating girls to die of blood loss. and for a brief moment, i noticed something stuck inside its body. it was the beta key! there was no time, i had to get it.

i picked up a rock and struck the claws that were grasping my legs with it. they let go and the monster cried in pain. it pulled the claws from the ground and back to its body, then launched them at me with its pincers fully extended so as to ensure my death. luckily for me i was able to dodge them by crouching, but i saw the tentacles going after me, so i had to shuffle around like a retarded pug who couldn't roll over on its back in order to avoid them. all of the monster's limbs were stuck in the earth, but only for a moment, and i took this window of opportunity and leaped for its body. but the monster managed to get his claws out of the cave and took another swing at me, scratching my forearm and tearing my shirt apart. i let out a short yell of pain, but the beta key was in my hands now, all i had to do was pull it out of the monster and sprint like a motherfucker. one of the claws rose up to the ceiling of the cave and started falling right above my head, but i managed to pull the key out and i immediately jumped off. the claw caught hold of my pants and underwear and tore them apart, as well. the only things i had on at this point were my shoes, so knowing that at least my feet were protected, i ran as fast as a rocket down the jagged ground of the cave, heading back to the opening. i could hear more roars from that monster. i ran past chuck, who immediately asked, "you got my flashlights?" but i ignored him and kept running.

i eventually made it back to the opening of the cave, exhausted, overjoyed, feeling triumphant that i now had a key. john cleese was still lying on the ground and saw me with the key. he couldn't believe it. he got up and pointed at the key. "i...i-is that...?" he said weakly. I nodded and said, "yes, john, it is." enraged, he pushed me onto the ground, trying to grab hold of the key and run away with it himself, but i refused to let him take it. so we wrestled in the mud for the key, and i eventually won the fight, killing him.

sorry for the lack of capitalization, etc., just wrote this on the spot and had no time to proofread it