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My girlfriend and I just broke up. Nothing "serious". 4 Months. But we've been friends for over 2 years. And I feel that that is lost too with the break up.
I can't talk to anyone else because no one else "really" knows and they just won't understand because I've tried to talk to them before. I feel kinda sad for expressing this on TL.net but there are different types of friends for different types of problems but none of my friends can really listen to this one without judging me.
I feel that with TL.net. It's all online and my real identity is hidden and I feel that you can all read this without any real judgement. I really feel grateful for this blog. I don't need responses, just someone willing to understand.
Story
I met a girl over 2 years ago at work. We hit it off really well, become friends and had like a 2 week summer fling. Once school started though, we ended it and just casually talked over MSN Messenger. I found a new girlfriend soon after and she found a new boyfriend. Only difference is I left my girlfriend within 6 months while she was still going strong up until 5 months ago this year.
Basically, she broke up with her boyfriend after 2 years because she felt she loved him as a friend but wasn't in love with him anymore. We started talking and meeting up and one thing led to another and she said she missed me after all this time and I kinda really missed her too. Not just because she told me but I always wondered "what if" we never stopped seeing each other in that way.
We started going out September this year and everything was going well. But I have a problem of being a passive-aggressive bitch. We would fight sometimes over dumb stuff which could easily be taken care of but I would remain silent sometimes and after a while it really started to stress her out. She didn't tell me right away though. She started talking to her ex-boyfriend who was "there" for her.
After talking to him, she told me and honestly, I changed 100%. She even admits that she was grateful for it now. I never did it again but the point is, I did it before and that's what caused her to start talking to her ex again. (That's what she explained as the cause).
She started to talk to him whenever things got sad or when she was mad or stressed about school or me or whatever. I got a little insecure about this and told her I didn't like it. But she kept explaining that he's just a friend. And that she did love him and needed him as a friend and that she wasn't IN love with him. She was telling me how they were with each other for 2 years so of course he understood how to comfort her when we got into fights because it was "difficult" to talk to me and her other friends wouldn't understand.
To give her credit though... the reason why she said it was difficult to talk to me because I would get so angry sometimes in fights and leave the relationship and call her back only a couple hours later telling her I was sorry. She said it was inappropriate, time-consuming, etc. And that's why she leaned on her ex-boyfriend to talk to because he was just always there for her.
Basically, the logic is, I fucked up more than once and now she started to rely on her ex. In my defence though. I didn't understand why it had to be him, even though she explained why. I just didn't feel comfortable with it and didn't want to be with her when she was talking to him often... about her "feelings" and her problems... and etc.
I tried to be understanding though when she said she just needed a friend and that she never hated him. She just wasn't "IN" love with him. Skipping to the last few weeks though. They hung out at her place and he kissed her when he left. She said it was like a 2-3 second kiss and then she pushed him away and said no. She told me but I was understanding because it wasn't her, it was him. Still she said she was sorry and talked to him and made it clear that there would be no more of that.
I asked her how it happened though and she said she usually gives a kiss to the cheek goodbye to close friends, even other guy friends, not just him. But she did it to him and he grabbed her and kissed her. Anyway, so that happened and 2 weeks ago, she kissed him on the cheek twice and finally he kissed her and she said that she reacted by laughing and saying, "What are you doing??"
We fought over that.. pretty badly.. We talked about how I fucked up before, not giving her security and leaving when things got bad. We also talked about her relationship with him. She said her relationship was strong with him because of the lack of security I gave her. But I told her my problem for not wanting to stay was because of her relationship with him. It was just all a big circle.
We somehow worked it out in the end and just wanted to start a new. Then one day I was about to come over to her place and gave her a call. She said that she was studying with her ex. That made me feel weird and I straight up told her that it made me feel weird coming over if he was there or was just there so I said I was just gonna go home.
When I got home, we talked later that night and she told me how pissed off she was, etc, etc long story short, she said she kissed him when he left. She said she kissed him because he just made her feel safe which I failed to do but she also said she didn't feel anything.
We talked about this for a long time. We talked about how I fucked up again, in the past and now. Talked about why I didn't make her feel safe. And I was/am willing to change all of that. She made a commitment and promise to us that she would no longer do that stuff. I know I should have left her by now but I know that I fucked up so badly too. And that it wasn't about her, or me, it was about us and so we both just decided to start fresh.
Well just a few hours ago we got into another fight. Which was the last one as it finally separated us. She thought I was coming over but I honestly accidentally fell asleep and called her when I woke up. She seemed pissed or sad, a mix of both and I was trying to talk to her and explain to her but she was just like, "Go do your essay" since I have one due tomorrow. But she just didn't seem to want to talk. I called her back and told her I was worried that she was feeling like this because this is how she usually is before she starts to "lean" on him. I forgot to mention that she refused to stop seeing him because he was too much of a close friend.
So she felt like I just didn't trust her anymore but she said she understood why but she was getting tired of trying to earn my trust because I wasn't giving her any opportunity to do so. She said it was just too straining and it wasn't worth it. That she hadn't done anything wrong since we had the last negotiation but I still had insecurities. But she knew why... I don't know. We just finally both agreed to end it even though we both still admitted that we loved each other.
Thanks for reading all of this. I was really upset when I started but I feel a lot more calm now. You don't need to respond or do anything about this post. I just felt like... it was therapeutic. Thanks.
  
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You can talk to me. I'm here for you...
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these things are just fucked up, it's not your fault, nor hers, it was just bound to happen. let it go.
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I am just basing this on what you wrote but she is definitely in the wrong here and i daresay seems like a bitch
wtf does "making her feel safe" even mean?
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I'm sorry man. We all need someone to talk to when shit gets rough so don't feel bad for posting this here. To be honest its good that your relationship ended at 4 months because its obvious that she is still in love with her ex. I'm sorry but kissing 'good friends' or having her ex over to 'study' with wouldn't fly with me, and I don't think it should with anyone else. My bet is she'll be with her ex again soon. (But I could be wrong.)
As far as you making mistakes, don't worry it happens. Don't feel guilty just learn from your mistakes and move on, and remember that communication is very important in a relationship. You should always be upfront about how you are feeling because if you hold shit in it just causes problems. No worries man, there are plenty of fish in the sea. My first relationship ended 8 months ago and I was with her for 3 1/2 years. Just be patient and a new girl will come around. In the meantime just enjoy life and look forward to the time when you will have another girl, because there is no doubt that you will, and eventually this one will fade from your memory. Hang in there man.
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Oh man thats tough. Yea sometimes by just articulating what happened/how you feel can make yourself feel better. Good luck with everything.. hope you bounce back soon!
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Like that one saying goes...in the poker game of life, girls are the fucking rake man.
1 down. 3 billion to go.
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United States889 Posts
This story is scary familiar. Sorry 'bout it all & good luck with the future.
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Damn, that sucks. I sort of have a couple of problems like that too, so I can sympathize. My girlfriend likes to hang out with a LOT of guys. Like, I know she does it because she doesn't really hang out with girls as much (she says she can't relate to them at times), and I sort of feel the weird/jealousy type feelings you get.
I also understand that whole insecurity things that the girls have. Personally, it's really sweet for you to be caring that much about her and yet not seeing what you're doing wrong. Ultimately, girls have massive expectations for their guys that it's impossible to fit their dream persona.
It's not your fault, and it's not hers either. I think it just ultimately has to do with the relationship getting shaky and things getting in the way. If you guys really do love each other. Things will flow back together, and if they don't, friendship is always a good alternative.
I don't know if the rest of the TL community says much, but I express my sympathy with you, and I do sincerely hope that things get better.
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Why do people always want to be friends with their ex's? It usually causes trouble in future relationships...
In any case, girl wasn't worth it OP. If she knows you feel uncomfortable about her having her ex as someone so close to talk to and spending a lot of time with him... and doesn't divorce herself from that for her respect for you. Then it's not worth the hassle.
It's likely she's looking for an excuse to get back with him and lo and behold it happened.
Don't sweat it there's other fish in the sea.
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So many girl blogs lately... It seems like the holiday season is a good time for those 
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And I thought my relationship had issues... sorry that things turned out that way, but as stated above it's better that this happened sooner rather than later. Good luck.
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Don't waste time being jealous. Fighting over little things is what keeps life from becoming too dull, but don't overdo it man.
Trust is the foundation of a good relationship, if you don't trust her, then you might as well give it up because your jealousy, whether justified or not, will consume you and ruin the relationship anyway.
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Ah man I'm sorta like this too, I get really sensitive over this kind of stuff. But I think your ex was just really confused. Stay strong!
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Baltimore, USA22254 Posts
On December 10 2009 14:30 ghostWriter wrote:
Don't waste time being jealous. Fighting over little things is what keeps life from becoming too dull, but don't overdo it man.
Trust is the foundation of a good relationship, if you don't trust her, then you might as well give it up because your jealousy, whether justified or not, will consume you and ruin the relationship anyway.
Gotta agree here, trust is huge and absolutely essential. If you don't have trust, you don't have shit.
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Ah god dude. I feel you. My ex used to flirt with other guys around me all the time. At first I thought it was trying to draw my jealousy or something so I told her to quit doing it, but every time she pulled the 'we're just great friends' card, and it made me very uncomfortable because she was obviously flirting. Your case is even worse because the guy actually kissed her T.T; I would really not stand for that crap at all and just lay down an ultimatum the first time: "your friend" or me. Obviously in your case she would probably choose the friend and call you irrational, but there's no way around it because she seemed to want to rebound back to him anyways. Like everyone else has said, just move on and don't dwell on it. Sooner or later, someone will make you forget.
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I recommend for you not to look for her and move on. Just look for another girl and don't do the same mistakes.
On December 10 2009 14:15 eshlow wrote:
Why do people always want to be friends with their ex's? It usually causes trouble in future relationships...
In any case, girl wasn't worth it OP. If she knows you feel uncomfortable about her having her ex as someone so close to talk to and spending a lot of time with him... and doesn't divorce herself from that for her respect for you. Then it's not worth the hassle.
It's likely she's looking for an excuse to get back with him and lo and behold it happened.
Don't sweat it there's other fish in the sea.
This. Stay strong just remember things happen for a reasion u'll meet a better girl soon 
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Sorry, she was just looking for excuses to get back with her ex (even temporarily) from the beginning, and your fickle nature was the perfect excuse
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Well, I read the whole thing. Sort of like having someone listen to you, right?
Interesting how you and Other Guy switched places back and forth between boyfriend and "just friend".
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buddy, dont beat yourself up so much! i dont care how bad you "fucked up," she fucked up 10 times worse. first of all, if she had a problem with you, she should be mature enough to talk to YOU about the problem she has, not other people, especially her ex. that's just kind of childish no matter how good her friendship with him is. second of all, her kissing a guy is unforgivable anyway. sorry but you should have ended the relationship right then and there.
and one more thing. you did trust her, you just didnt trust her douche bag "friend." and thats completely normal, i wouldnt trust him either. he had intentions for her, and she was naive enough not to see it, or to see it as just friendship. so middle finger to her if she says u didnt trust her--she doesnt deserve your trust in the first place. if she cant talk to you instead of crying on another man's shoulder, shes not for you, period.
you should keep your head up high after this relationship. you seriously tried way more than 99% of the men in the world are willing to put up with. my hat goes off to you buddy
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On December 10 2009 15:42 qrs wrote:
Well, I read the whole thing. Sort of like having someone listen to you, right?
Interesting how you and Other Guy switched places back and forth between boyfriend and "just friend".
not really. he was man enough to respect her relationship and kept his distance during the period he was single and she was taken, and only started talking to her again AFTER she had ended her relationship with the other guy. this mother fucker, however, did not respect OP's relationship, and went as far as to kiss his gf when he was just a friend to her--wholeheartedly taking advantage of her naivite and OP's insane amount of trust for her. there's only one victim in this story for me really. one respectful guy who happened to fall for the wrong girl and set himself up for disaster by being so leneant with her.
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She has way too much baggage. In my opinion even kisses on the cheek (especially to an ex) is not acceptable in a relationship. It seems to me the problem is not you its her. Nobody is perfect and at least your willing to admit where you went wrong, but she has no regards to your feelings. Inviting you over while her ex is there when she knows how uncomfortable you are with him, continuing to hang out alone with him while hes putting moves on her. You are better off with someone better 
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you are better off without her, just forget about it
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Sounds like you need to go beat up a certain friend.
Also, you might want to consider using your backhand on your girlfriend for disobeying you.
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Sounds like you fought alot, so maybe the relationship wasn't all that good to begin with?
If I was in a relationship where I had many fights in just the first 4 months, I would walk away...
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On December 10 2009 17:04 syndromepdp wrote:
tldr
Bye.
To this blog: Everything has been said, I just wanna point out how much I love being a man and this blog shows quite well why so. Here is so much manlove around. Always remember, girls might fuck you over in relationships (what she did, sorry bro) but other than girls you can always come to your buddies, even over the internet, and talk to them.
I recently had a "fuck girls"-theme night with one of my buddies where we would get drunk and rant for hours about bitches. Every girl who even attempted to get close in the various bars we were at would get rejected with death stare and bad mouthed. Felt fucking good.
Now that you got a huge amount of shit off your chest i recommend you to do the same, just grab a random buddy you know you can hang out with. Tell him a girl fucked you over, no need for details. He will understand and get wasted with you.
A salute to manhood.
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Love triangle 
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Obviously a relationship needs trust, and in this case it seemed you didn't trust her and she didn't trust you. Nobody's fault I think, just not meant to be, but I totally sympathize on your apprehension towards her spending so much time with her ex. Its totally normal, and she ought to have understood why you'd feel uncomfortable with it.
Edit: but also, I know how it is to have someone close to you that its just impossible to argue with when they're mad. Its INCREDIBLY frustrating and as such I can see why she chose to talk to someone else.
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On December 10 2009 18:19 Osmoses wrote:
Edit: but also, I know how it is to have someone close to you that its just impossible to argue with when they're mad. Its INCREDIBLY frustrating and as such I can see why she chose to talk to someone else.
You're missing an important point: She always ran to her ex and talked to him when things got ugly. Instead of... talking to her boyfriend? And you really expect him not to flip when she even dares telling this to him? And all that kissing shit. What's that all about?
She obviously used him to get over her ex and when she discovered she couldn't she just dumped this guy who did nothing than treat her with maximum respect and love. Which perfectly explains his behaviour of flipping when he saw his relationship in danger/his trust abused.
Really, there's no reason to defend unreasonable behaviour just because it seems to be fairly common for women lol.
As this seems to be some on-off relationship I wouldn't be surprised if you will have talk/sex with her in near future. Please try to avoid this. See spoiler why you should.
Here's what happened to me (caution: long rant)
+ Show Spoiler + After I broke up with my ex after 3,5 yrs (reason was I wasn't myself anymore back then and had huge issues, due to that being unable to handle extra stress) she first was very pissed and refused to talk to me for a month or so. Well, I had much respect for her so I didn't try to call and possibly fuck her up even more as I already did. (You see the same pattern of self accusations here? :D) I didn't wanna see anything which she could've possibly done wrong.
So, after a month she suddenly called me and asked for some help with carrying stuff around for her new appartment. I had a long, calm talk with her about whether this would be good or not so good if we already start seeing each other again. Furnishing an appartment takes days so I knew what I was up to. But eventually I gave in and helped her. It was really nice to see her again and we had long and good talks. It seems I just ignored her the first month after our break up because when I saw her again I started to feel sth again. Not love, or at least not that kinda relationship love. I'd say I ran into the post-relationship friend trap without seeing or caring.
So here I was, former representative of proud manhood, now turned into that guy who gets most ridicule for a reason: The caring, carrying ex-boyfriend. Still, I enjoyed it. I had sex on a regular basis again. I had the girl back who I was closest to. And as said earlier, I had some issues I couldn't talk about to anyone except her, because she knew from start. Later it came to my mind why so: My issues started soon after dating her. I still don't know why and how so, but this girl definetly could hit my weakest point, even without knowing about it.
Anyway, time went on and I soon learned that what we were doing maybe wasn't so good. First, I saw myself having trouble with deciding what I really wanted (what a fag I became lol) and second, seeing her still not having dealt with the break up. To be more to the point: She was just about to fall back in love, if she wasn't already.
So the situation became more and more fucked up. I would randomly flip and yell at her just to comfort her after she cried. Then we would've sex. Same thing again a few days later. Now I really was stuck in a vicious circle.
The thing which really helped me out, was of course solving my issues. I tried and tried and tried but I coudn't. When I kinda broke the taboo I set up myself and tried to find a reason for my issues with the relationship to my ex, everything became clear. Now this sounds like a ridiculous enlightenment experience, but it kinda was. Although it took some days or weeks, I can't remember. And well, as I still was meeting her on a daily basis (hols), the more I opened up my mind to see her mistakes, the angrier I became naturally.
And this was what really helped me in the end: I projected all my anger on her, divorcing myself from her more and more, while she still tried to keep me. She'd cry and beg but for the first time this wouldn't work and I stood strong.
Now this sounds rather tragic and not like she didn't do anything wrong in particular, right? It's just a guy with issues he couldn't handle at that time and dumps his gf because of that. He should be the one to blame, right? Right?
Well, thats what I thought myself but luckily I turned out to be wrong. On the last night I saw her, on the night I wanted to tell her in a very matter-of-fact way this couldn't go on anymore and we'd have to break up again (lol). On this night, when I told her that, she would pull the joker: "I still love you!". Boom. Well, I should've seen it coming, but yea...
Alright, luckily I already got back at least a part of my balls again so I didn't react at all, I just left.
Tough guy this, tough guy that, the whole week after this incident was shit. Not very surprising. I got over it in the end.
Now I got to study somewhere else, good timing so I couldn't see her anymore, just avoiding the problem which makes it easier. I moved out, moved in, studied, made new friends, everything fine. Then after like 5 weeks she told me she loved me I get a call by one of her friends. She was like "Dude, get on StudiVZ [German equivalent to FB], you gotta see Julias new pics", then she hung up. Lol. Well, I was curious and took a look. I wasn't really surprised to see her in the arms of some ugly guy, kissing him and shit.
My last act of these really worst 1,5 yrs of my whole life (last yr of relationship was really bad due to issues, the 6 months after the relationship are what I just wrote about) was to call her. I held a nice, 20min long monologue about how she sucks, what a fucking dumb whore she is, how she shouldn't try to step into my sight ever again or I'd forget about my principles not beating the shit outta women.
After this I felt really good. Now you may argue that I'm still not over her if I flip when I see her with another guy and she just wanted me to do so. But this is 2 months ago now, I'm happy now, most of my issues solved.
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iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
her hanging out with her ex bf and talking to him about YOU when things are bad is terrible. Don't ever tolerate that shit again dude. Being friends with an ex is one thing but going to them when things are hard in your current relationship? Isn't a real surprise there were some kisses and shit.. also her saying ANYTHING like "he makes me feel safe which you don't" is bs.. insta break right there.
Have some self respect man. I know she probably had a bunch of redeeming qualities but you shouldn't be in a relationship like that. Chin up dude.. you are free of an unhealthy relationship and now it is time to go improve!
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I know how it feels
just...
keep walking
take a cold shower and keep living
for the first days, doped
then, cold hearted
then, normal again
you'll see the stars again someday
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konadora
Singapore66161 Posts
Seems like a part of those 'insecurity and lack of trust leads to breakup' relationships.
Must have felt really terrible to have no one to be there for you to talk to.
And what paper and others said, it was most likely the case of her using you as an excuse to get back to her ex. However, since it's all in the past now and you really can't put the blame on one specific person, it's best to let it go and not to belittle yourself in any way whatsoever, because it's not worth it.
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Belgium9947 Posts
On December 10 2009 20:00 {88}iNcontroL wrote:
her hanging out with her ex bf and talking to him about YOU when things are bad is terrible. Don't ever tolerate that shit again dude. Being friends with an ex is one thing but going to them when things are hard in your current relationship? Isn't a real surprise there were some kisses and shit.. also her saying ANYTHING like "he makes me feel safe which you don't" is bs.. insta break right there.
Have some self respect man. I know she probably had a bunch of redeeming qualities but you shouldn't be in a relationship like that. Chin up dude.. you are free of an unhealthy relationship and now it is time to go improve!
inc is right
you may not have treated her optimally being a 'paranoid passive-aggressive bitch', but she immediately went way out of line.
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Don't worry man, there's plenty of girls out there. Remember "Love is patience," so have patience. And IF she is meant to be your soulmate, she'll eventually come back into your arms. But I do hope that through this ordeal that you learn something, especially yourself, so in the future you will know what to expect, avoid, or work things out should you get into another relationship.
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EPT
