EPTI can't talk to anyone else because no one else "really" knows and they just won't understand because I've tried to talk to them before. I feel kinda sad for expressing this on TL.net but there are different types of friends for different types of problems but none of my friends can really listen to this one without judging me.
I feel that with TL.net. It's all online and my real identity is hidden and I feel that you can all read this without any real judgement. I really feel grateful for this blog. I don't need responses, just someone willing to understand.
Story
I met a girl over 2 years ago at work. We hit it off really well, become friends and had like a 2 week summer fling. Once school started though, we ended it and just casually talked over MSN Messenger. I found a new girlfriend soon after and she found a new boyfriend. Only difference is I left my girlfriend within 6 months while she was still going strong up until 5 months ago this year.
Basically, she broke up with her boyfriend after 2 years because she felt she loved him as a friend but wasn't in love with him anymore. We started talking and meeting up and one thing led to another and she said she missed me after all this time and I kinda really missed her too. Not just because she told me but I always wondered "what if" we never stopped seeing each other in that way.
We started going out September this year and everything was going well. But I have a problem of being a passive-aggressive bitch. We would fight sometimes over dumb stuff which could easily be taken care of but I would remain silent sometimes and after a while it really started to stress her out. She didn't tell me right away though. She started talking to her ex-boyfriend who was "there" for her.
After talking to him, she told me and honestly, I changed 100%. She even admits that she was grateful for it now. I never did it again but the point is, I did it before and that's what caused her to start talking to her ex again. (That's what she explained as the cause).
She started to talk to him whenever things got sad or when she was mad or stressed about school or me or whatever. I got a little insecure about this and told her I didn't like it. But she kept explaining that he's just a friend. And that she did love him and needed him as a friend and that she wasn't IN love with him. She was telling me how they were with each other for 2 years so of course he understood how to comfort her when we got into fights because it was "difficult" to talk to me and her other friends wouldn't understand.
To give her credit though... the reason why she said it was difficult to talk to me because I would get so angry sometimes in fights and leave the relationship and call her back only a couple hours later telling her I was sorry. She said it was inappropriate, time-consuming, etc. And that's why she leaned on her ex-boyfriend to talk to because he was just always there for her.
Basically, the logic is, I fucked up more than once and now she started to rely on her ex. In my defence though. I didn't understand why it had to be him, even though she explained why. I just didn't feel comfortable with it and didn't want to be with her when she was talking to him often... about her "feelings" and her problems... and etc.
I tried to be understanding though when she said she just needed a friend and that she never hated him. She just wasn't "IN" love with him. Skipping to the last few weeks though. They hung out at her place and he kissed her when he left. She said it was like a 2-3 second kiss and then she pushed him away and said no. She told me but I was understanding because it wasn't her, it was him. Still she said she was sorry and talked to him and made it clear that there would be no more of that.
I asked her how it happened though and she said she usually gives a kiss to the cheek goodbye to close friends, even other guy friends, not just him. But she did it to him and he grabbed her and kissed her. Anyway, so that happened and 2 weeks ago, she kissed him on the cheek twice and finally he kissed her and she said that she reacted by laughing and saying, "What are you doing??"
We fought over that.. pretty badly.. We talked about how I fucked up before, not giving her security and leaving when things got bad. We also talked about her relationship with him. She said her relationship was strong with him because of the lack of security I gave her. But I told her my problem for not wanting to stay was because of her relationship with him. It was just all a big circle.
We somehow worked it out in the end and just wanted to start a new. Then one day I was about to come over to her place and gave her a call. She said that she was studying with her ex. That made me feel weird and I straight up told her that it made me feel weird coming over if he was there or was just there so I said I was just gonna go home.
When I got home, we talked later that night and she told me how pissed off she was, etc, etc long story short, she said she kissed him when he left. She said she kissed him because he just made her feel safe which I failed to do but she also said she didn't feel anything.
We talked about this for a long time. We talked about how I fucked up again, in the past and now. Talked about why I didn't make her feel safe. And I was/am willing to change all of that. She made a commitment and promise to us that she would no longer do that stuff. I know I should have left her by now but I know that I fucked up so badly too. And that it wasn't about her, or me, it was about us and so we both just decided to start fresh.
Well just a few hours ago we got into another fight. Which was the last one as it finally separated us. She thought I was coming over but I honestly accidentally fell asleep and called her when I woke up. She seemed pissed or sad, a mix of both and I was trying to talk to her and explain to her but she was just like, "Go do your essay" since I have one due tomorrow. But she just didn't seem to want to talk. I called her back and told her I was worried that she was feeling like this because this is how she usually is before she starts to "lean" on him. I forgot to mention that she refused to stop seeing him because he was too much of a close friend.
So she felt like I just didn't trust her anymore but she said she understood why but she was getting tired of trying to earn my trust because I wasn't giving her any opportunity to do so. She said it was just too straining and it wasn't worth it. That she hadn't done anything wrong since we had the last negotiation but I still had insecurities. But she knew why... I don't know. We just finally both agreed to end it even though we both still admitted that we loved each other.
Thanks for reading all of this. I was really upset when I started but I feel a lot more calm now. You don't need to respond or do anything about this post. I just felt like... it was therapeutic. Thanks.
