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I'd like my fellow TL.netters to critique the poem I've pasted below. It was written by an Indian(Hindu, from India) friend of mine, and English isnt his first language.
"Lonely for You..."
I've reread all your letters And kissed your photograph; I'm trying to remember The funny way you laugh.
The many times you held me when things turned upside down; You always raised my spirits and smiled away my frown.
But where are you today, dear, when I am missing you? I need to hear you whisper the love I know is true.
If you are there and hear me, please bring me your sweet smile. I long to hold you, darling, for just a little while
One more thing. He posted this in some forum and one of the posters replied: "your poem has too much rhyme". I dont get that. What exactly is "too much rhyme"? Or is this poster just trying to be a smart ass?
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Vatican City State64 Posts
my gaydar displays gay activity here
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Hong Kong20321 Posts
um, prettty straightforward and literal
but its cool and rhyming and an easy read
also considierng english isnt his 1st language i guess its prett cool
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Yeah, it sounds good. He's just being a smartass.... It's perfect rhyme, and that's perfectly okay.
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I think the poem is pretty cliche
but there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that.
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I confess it doesn't do anything for me, but at least it's not
Kati's Poem
Kati my newest friend elegent as the wind. Can you ever be more than my friend? I promise not to cheat.(referring to her ex) I promise not to lie. I only want your heart with mine.
We couldn't go to the dance. But maybe we will share romance. You might love me If you just give me a chance
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Physician
United States4146 Posts
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On December 19 2006 05:15 TedBundy wrote: my gaydar displays gay activity here
That's weird, my bandar displays a 2-week tempban
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its too generic and overused... tell him to be more creative.. the poem structure is fine just that it doesn't really stand out in anyway hope that helps
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On December 19 2006 10:35 Way wrote:its too generic and overused... tell him to be more creative.. the poem structure is fine just that it doesn't really stand out in anyway hope that helps
didntcha read Physician's reply?
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On December 19 2006 10:43 fanta[Rn] wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2006 10:35 Way wrote:its too generic and overused... tell him to be more creative.. the poem structure is fine just that it doesn't really stand out in anyway hope that helps didntcha read Physician's reply?
kk, just did ^^ haha
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On December 19 2006 10:31 ilovezil wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2006 05:15 TedBundy wrote: my gaydar displays gay activity here That's weird, my radar displays a 2-week tempban. then it would be your "bandar"
Anyways the poem was pretty good. Good rhyming and a nice read. Well done Hindu friend
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Right on! I knew I could depend on my bandar. Except it was a perma ban T_T.
TedBundy was just banned by Beyonder.
That account was created on 2006-08-23 05:36:20 and had 64 posts.
Poems do NOT make guys gay. I personally thought it was an ok poem especially because, as the OP and alffla says, English isn't his first language.
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Wtf, that's a pretty gay poem. Not that I haven't written one like it -_-.
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Poem is really okay in its way Although bit corny but it still display Some love in the poem, where it lay You put some work in and that's Okay!
I used to write my love in verses And put it in some fancy letters I put the paper in folded with flowers I handed the letter to one of my lovers
She opens the letter and sees the rhyme O MY GOD, how loudly she cry But then she said this evil line "Sounds like a woman", the poem of mine
Since then I refused to write In the verses where the love could lie I then will go to the love of my life And say it straight, will you be mine?
Don't get me wrong the poem is fine Just remember there's more than just lines That convers your feelings and love and beside A hug or smile may work better hundreds of times
So hold your lovers and cut the words You know she loves you more than she hears Try SINGING before your lovely verse And sing to her no matter you're worse
Call me wrong but for me it's this Youngsters like passion, so giver her a kiss Poems are cute they're sweet and bliss But bodys are too hot, the word they remiss
My 2 cents
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Poems are not gay, they're awesome ^_^ And rhymes are THE thing in poem, the fuck with too many rhymes, they just suck too much to rhyme in the first place.
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Good one evanthebouncy~ I like yours more
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evanthebouncy your criticue was a better poem then the criticized one ^^
i think the poem was an average love verse, if she loves you it will be perfect for her
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