Pony Express Issue 65: Mar. 2- Mar. 9, 2009

On March 09 2009 05:41 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
In life, one encounters a myriad of people, people of all shapes, sizes, and of course, personalities. Some of these personalities are easily categorizable: there's always the outgoing extraverts, the loud, arrogant attention-seekers, the statistically-significantly dangerous black people, etc. However, sometimes, one may encounter an anomaly, a type of person who doesn't fit most prototypes. One such individual I encountered recently, on an undisclosed website, was an individual who I will refer to by the alias "Shiverfish." He wrote in a lucid, compelling fashion, and carried a royal aura about him; no matter the backlash from the general denizens of that website, it felt as if he was above it all. No volume of seemingly valid counterarguments could scratch the gleaming surface of his philosophical ramblings, and no amount of scathing attacks against his character could harm his invulnerable ego.

Upon realizing how powerful this personality could be, given the right owner, I followed a logical course of action: I decided to immerse myself in this particularly attractive mindset, this conspicuous but effective shield against all opposition. Within only fifteen short minutes of adapting a wonderous imitation of the great mindset of "Shiverfish," I have made many personal discoveries and advanced my understanding of the world. While "Shiverfish," utilizing this mindset, was able to educate the uneducated masses of the product of his mindset, I will personally undertake the task of elucidating the arcane methodology behind owning the mindset itself. Be warned that you must be sufficiently intelligent to use this mindset well; if you were not lucky enough to be born with sufficient intelligence, please leave this thread now. The following consists of my discoveries, and I have taken the liberty of formatting them in a list of basic principles.

0. You are peerless.
This is the foundation behind all of the other points, and there are many ramifications to this point. One obvious ramification is perhaps a rewording of the point itself: you must not have any true friends. You cannot consider anybody to have equal standing with you, intellectually or otherwise. While you may look to others for support on truths you have already discovered, adapting the ideas of others is a crime and intellectual suicide. It is as Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote about Self-Reliance: imitation is suicide. People, the media, etc., are all simply facilitators, not originators. The truths are within yourself, and you must not let anybody taint this simple principle. Your power lies in your independence and individuality, never give that up.

1. You are the decider of what is truth.
This is one of the pillars of being pretentious and invulnerable: if you say you are right, you are unequivocally, non-negotiably right. Open discussion is a myth, you are the only individual sufficiently intelligent to make valid points or to decide whether a point made by another is valid. Do not waste your time responding to that which is obviously wrong; you have philosophy to tackle, worlds of knowledge to uncover. Why would you spend any amount of your precious time demonstrating that somebody is incorrect, when you already know that he or she is incorrect? Anybody who fails to take your word as truth is a fool and obviously too unintelligent to benefit from your illuminations. Do not bother with these kinds of people.

2. You must never address anyone in particular.
When you have undertaken the task of becoming a discoverer and bearer of truths, you must disclose these to the general public in the most efficient and most accessible manner. An essay is a great form by which to unveil your inner thoughts, and popular forums are a wonderful medium to disclose your truths, but remember the first principle; discussion is a myth, so make sure not to fall into the obvious trap of discussion, which is usually encouraged in such forums. If you must make a statement in order to clarify your original point or the method by which you made your original point, make it in the same fashion as your original post: addressing nobody in particular, disclosing your truths to the world.

3. Use methods found in standard prose in order to make your writings more palatable.
The discussion style of forums contains yet another trap: not only does it attempt to facilitate useless discussion of your truths, it creates an environment that fosters inferior styles of writing. You may often find grammar, spelling, and even punctuation missing from many of the posts in these forums, but you must not imitate these examples. In fact, the lack of quality in these posts will only serve to highlight the fluid and lucid style of your prose, full of anecdotes, rhetorical techniques, and varied sentence structures.

4. End all of your disclosures with a section of illusory vulnerability.
The lesser individual always has hope that he or she is not a lesser individual, and stemming from this, comes the inner wish that intellectual superiority is an illusion. If you create a illumination that does not support these individuals' flawed ideals, then they will ignore it as a whole, because they will be unable to accept that such a work could simultaneously improve their understanding of the world and destroy their fragile, beloved vision of an intellectually egalitarian reality. While the suggestion was made not to bother with the people too unintelligent to benefit from your illuminations, these such people do not fall into that category; they are in a middle ground, between the enlighteners, such as yourself, and the unenlightenable, such as the aforementioned. Therefore, you must construct statements revealing a false vulnerability, such as admitting that your prose makes you sound childish or admitting that you are unqualified to discuss all the material that you have just discussed. While you know that you are not actually childish and that you are perfectly qualified, these statements will serve to appease the masses' everlasting hunger for proof that they are not simply the unedudcated masses. Additional techniques to provide the image of vulnerability include showing attributes of you that could be perceived as weaker or less intellectually superior, such as by admitting that you watch anime. However, you must maintain the independence of your own thoughts and remind the audience that you discovered your own ideas with your intellect.

Obviously, I could be wrong in all this, as my short immersion into pretension could not uncover nearly all of the secrets of this amazing mindset. My discoveries are slightly supported by the media however; in the anime Death Note, the character Light has a similar mindset, with the major difference being that he has the power to kill the uneducated. As long as I do not attain that power, you all have nothing to worry about! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Source materials.

On March 08 2009 16:32 SpiritoftheTunA wrote:
Back to Raithed's Chapters

EDITOR'S NOTE: Raithed has been temp-banned for a week, so I have personally taken up the task of continuing his story. While my writing may not have Raithed's flair and shrewd usage of tense-changing, word-omitting, and grammar-destroying post-post-postmodernist techniques, I hope it will suffice for this week.



Upon realizing the presence of an unknown hand upon your leg you elect to quickly identify it's owner. Upon closer inspection, it is David Yan, AKA Raithed, barely alive. His face is badly mutilated, his body is covered in blood, and his eyes bug out in desperation and agony.

Help... me... I... am I going to die?

Your pity for Raithed's condition is quickly interrupted as a putrid stench reaches your nostrils. You reflexively vomit all over him, and he screams as the hydrochloric acid from your stomach washes over his numerous wounds.

Upon recovering from the exhausting task of exhaustively evacuating the upper half of your digestive system, you inwardly contemplate, did he shit his pants?

A quick scan over the lower region of his body confirms your worst fears.

GODDAMN, KID, you scream out. You instinctively grab your handgun, and point it at him. NOOOOOOOOOOO, he violently pleads, as he hugs your legs with his vomit-covered arms. You silently agree with his sentiment... after all, you only have three bullets left, and using one or two on an unarmed, unthreatening cripple would be unwise, to say the least. Remembering that you have a blunt weapon, you grab your rifle and forcefully ram the butt against Raithed's skull. The effect of this remedy is immediate; Raithed releases your unfortunate legs, and is now writhing upon the ground. A few more liberally-applied rifle butts to the skull render his body immobile, and his face unrecognizable.

You take a few back steps from the grotesque scene and involuntarily shudder. With a few deep breaths to collect yourself, you contemplate whether staying in this hallway is such a great idea.


Poll: What do you want to do?
(Vote): Continue looting in this corridor.
(Vote): Quickly leave, and continue on your quest to find a way off the station.
(Vote): Find some way to incinerate Raithed's putrid corpse.

Voting ends when Raithed is unbanned.