[Code S] "The Chosen 8" 2012 GSL Season 3 Day 1 - Page 9

On July 11 2012 11:48 SeeKeR wrote:
Okay guys.

I'm going to rewrite the opening post.

I thoroughly appreciate all the criticisms. Thank you for all your advice

On July 11 2012 12:58 HolyArrow wrote:
Seeker: My 2 cents in regards to the opening post is that you have good, interesting things to say, but you should simply say them more formally. Not sure I'm just echoing what other people are saying, but yeah

On July 11 2012 11:14 neoghaleon55 wrote:


-the So is excessive.
-second sentence is a fragment.

It seems we have finally arrived once again to the hellish place known as Code S Ro8.




-When using numbers fewer than ten, try to spell it out, it would look more professional.
-Don't begin a sentence with "because" unless absolutely necessary.
-the words 'right now' is excessive
-the players no longer feel pressured by the threat of falling into Code A: excessive

Since all eight players have secured their place in the next season of Code S, the loss of pride from falling to code A no longer presents an issue.



-But is excessive
-link the sentences together so they don't feel like jolts of words strung together.

Unfortunately, there is no time for rest as they must now work harder than before.



-use colon:

As of this very moment, these players are beginning to understand one thing: they ARE the final eight, the only ones left with a chance grab that revered GSL trophy.




feels so awkward...

With the gravity of their situation in mind, each player must face his destiny with the iron will which screams 'I WILL CRUSH MY OPPONENT!' They must possess fortitude and perseverance of mind the entire match if they wish to stand on the world stage kissing the championship trophy.




-This is a fragment




Tonight, two players will stand in the spotlight surrounded by wild cheers and fanfare, the other two will fall with dreams dashed and egos bruised. Who will survive the the quarter finals? Let us meet our first four contenders.


That's only the first paragraph.


I hope that helps seeker...

On July 11 2012 13:33 McFeser wrote:

I hope I'm not beating on a dead horse here but I would ignore most of these criticisms. I write both technical papers and entertaining pieces and as such I know the difference between the two. That's not to say you couldn't use an editor (I need one frequently) but I wouldn't worry about using the phrase "right now" or similar critiques. (And don't worry about using 'because' to begin a sentence. Because people aren't always aware of how it can be used, I always chuckle when it's described as an untouchable header). Neohageleon a good poster and you should keep some of his criticisms in mind, but I would work on making your writing as stylistic and entertaining as possible.

That being said, I would like it if was cleaned up a little (IE use ellipses sparingly, write only one or two words in all caps, etc). If you write something like you would say it out loud, ambiguities can arise where inflection and tone would normally help.

Hope that helped.
Edit: It looks prehty!