The Letting Off Steam Thread - Page 96

freaking DAMMIT I work hard first semester, pull out 89%, final comes and I'm stressing big-time over it, I get my grade back and it's literally a fucking F, kicks my grade down to B fucking minus

This semester I work even harder, by the time I hit the final I'm at 92.7%, guess what, final comes around, I don't get an F but instead I get C/C+ which still drops my damned grade to 88.4%, teacher is very accommodating and sometimes agrees to hand out assignments to bump up grades from 89.5%, but I'm not even in 89 territory and there was a curve of two questions on the final..... why the god fuck am I so stupid, so unclutch, so fucking bad on the final..........just shit......and it wasn't by any means hard because there were perfects on the final ANYWAY....jesus how can I want to do engineering when I bomb math, can't a guy just catch a break once in a while? it's been a shitty month or so and after building up my grade and I honestly do enjoy the class and teacher but in the end it just comes down to this shit and I just blow it....it's the last assignment and just fuck..... I started the year with such high hopes but at this point I'm just completely boned, the fuck is this shit.... why couldn't I just put in that much more work and focus instead of burning it up doing useless crap, god damn........ I feel like I'm destined to be miserable, standards are high enough as it is, I'm somewhat obsessive-compulsive and have mild ADHD, it's so hard......there is essentially nothing I can do about this at this point and it just SUCKS that this time at least I was so freaking close, I cannot describe how pissed I am right now, a pile of curse words is pretty stupid and useless... just.... ARGH WHY, not only that, I still have a slew of tests remaining that are going to rape me, can't a guy just catch a fucking break and have a chance to be happy? fuck it all, now I have to deal with more exams, confidence was dead already this year, and now it's just being beaten even more fuck

maybe I'll never be happy. there's a realization. maybe I'm destined to be a fucking loser. reading some of these other rants, I feel exactly the same way. maybe I'm just not strong enough to do anything with my life...jesus every time I try and fail, at what point will it be too late and I won't have anymore damned chances ugh.... life is such a bitch, god damn just bad news upon bad news, broken by a ray of life tempting me to hope that it's all over and I might be able to get a breath of air, but no it's a trap and I'm shoved back under the waters drowning in shitty luck, shitty self, shitty environment, every time I think maybe just MAYBE I'll have a breath of freedom, maybe enjoy life but not 30 minutes later something else takes a dump on me ajdsflkjflkjflksdfjklkjfasdlkj....and not only that, I have high enough expectations for myself, doesn't fucking help when people say big fucking deal and belittle me just because their standards for particular things isn't as high (or they just flat-out don't care)... I try to be nice to others whenever possible, try to make other smile so to speak but whenever I'm down and maybe could use a smile, suddenly no one is there, nobody fucking bothers to stop and try to help me out or cheer me up for once, I mean I'm lucky enough not to have other actual people kicking me when I'm down (life in general has that down pat anyway it appears) but could somebody just care once in a while? have never felt lonelier seeing people I assumed were friends flat-out not giving a shit and generally just going off playing whatever the shit they want. apparently they're only friends when things are going well, is there such thing as fair-weather friends? I don't fucking know. just pretend I'm happy around others while internally I'm so miserable like some stereotypical what, emo or punk song, I don't know. and now nothing to do but just go on, fuck all. just go it alone I guess, but fuck me if it isn't painful to see people you trusted and considered friends just hanging you out to dry as soon as things aren't going well for you and you can't provide them with easy laughs and happiness and entertainment

I really hate my job. Every day I wake up despising the fact that I have to go in and slog through 8 hours of monotonous boring tiring crap. People in my office say I have it good because I have a relatively private desk where I can get away with personal browsing but still I hate it. The only thing I like about this job, is the fact that I will probably quit very soon.

I'm very afraid of spending the rest of my life in little hell-cubicles crossing off numbers and slogging through processing. Which is strange because I always thought I wouldn't have a problem with a regular office job but now that I'm here I HATE IT SO BLOODY MUCH. Sometimes when I think about this at work, when I think about how much I hate what I'm doing right now, I actually dry retch at the stress. I need to quit this job and find something in a totally different field.

Pretty much the only thing keeping me here is my parents' expectations. My parents are really cool people who have supported me through very tough times and I know quitting is going to disappoint them. They supported me through uni, depression, psychotic episodes, hospitalization, they kept me goign and kept encouraging me and now they're so proud that I'm able to be full time employed. Far out, I'm feeling really guilty about wanting to quit.

I wish I could be a progamer for a living but I'm a bad plat player who knows next to nothing of this game. Right now I play a lot more Starcraft than I used to because I'm fueled by the fantasy that if I put in enough time and effort one day I might have a glimpse of a shot at going pro. I'm actually growing to love the game more and more but that just makes me more resentful of my job since I have to spend 8+ stupid hours every day there doing monkey stuff getting paid peanuts instead of playing. Even then, when I get home I waste time watching streams and GSL all the time instead of actually practicing decently. I'm so lazy and undisciplined and I'm quite saddened by this. I just want to somehow magically have the work ethic to play long hours. But noone else I know plays Starcraft, I'm not on any team so I just practice on ladder and it feels quite empty sometimes. But there goes another excuse, I guess.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit my job in July. I'm not doing it now is because it's end of financial year soon and if I quit at such a time that would royally screw with my boss's life. My boss is cool and I don't want to do that, but staying on this month means extra work.

Everyone in my department seems like they hate being here. There's a high turnover rate and I have grown to understand why. Every day I hear mutterings, sighing and cursing. I'm surrounded by misery.

Fuck you refs. Fuck you. Completely bullshit calls on Miami. Already having a shitty week, got emotionally invested like hell in that game and refs just blow it.

Also nobody likes me. Maybe I'm just not a likable person or something. Despite my best efforts I don't have a single person I can call a true friend irl, and people in general just don't like me online despite my best attempts to endear myself to them.

And fuck pure-O OCD. Fuck ADHD. Fuck life. fuck fuck fuck, wish there were some more synonyms to mean essentially what fuck does because I'm at a loss for words. Scratch that, it's probably just my stupidity. Not good at anything and "anything" also happens to include finding the right words to express myself. fuck already 3 posts in this thread, either 2 or 3, and probably will continue to have way too many posts here