EPTIt’s been nearly four years since I first found my way to TeamLiquid. Since the day I decided to register in October 2009 (after about eight months of lurking) I’ve known that one day… this day would come. At times it’s been a day I’ve feared. Other times I’ve been yearning for it somehow, but the bottom line is, it has finally come. Today is that day: The final day.
I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but sometime back in early 09; I know I somehow found YouTube clips of professional gamers playing some game I can’t put my finger on just this second. I started to wonder what other games there might be out there with a different side to them than the ones I knew and loved. Naturally the ones I was the most interested in finding out about were my most nostalgic ones, namely the games I played when I was nothing but a kid. One of the first entries on that list was Starcraft: Broodwar, and after some googling magic, I found my way to a website called GomTv.net.
I spent the entire weekend in there, and when I came out, I felt like a different person. Furthermore I knew that this was nowhere near the end. The caster, a guy called Tasteless, was apparently very fond of plugging different things, and thanks to him I found my way to his personal recommendation, a website known as TeamLiquid.net.
Originally, TL was nothing more than a gateway to me. A gateway to esports, BW more specifically. The game I had played so cheerfully with my dad back when I was five years old had suddenly turned into something magical before my eyes. I’ve often wondered what my education would have looked like had I known about it sooner. Regardless, it was love at
When I first started watching I was in eighth grade, so school was never really an issue. I had never had any difficulties in school at that point, although little did I know how small of an achievement that was back then. Time changes things though, and as esports started to grow, so did I. Unfortunately, this was a bit of a double-edged sword. One side being the virtual world, the other; reality.
I started high school about a month after the release of SC2. To my great joy, amongst my new classmates and soon-to-be friends there were already a few of them playing it as well, and several more hopped on the bandwagon before the end of the year. We started playing regularly, went to LANs (I won 8 liters of Pepsi at one point lol), in other words started to socialize around and through Starcraft, not just partially via it. I had also long since been the first in my social circuit to achieve the illustrious goal of reaching the ever so hyped Diamond League, and they actually gave me that as a nickname which has stuck with some of them to this day, even though I got out of there a long time ago. Regardless, almost from the first moments of my high school life, I’ve had maybe a dozen or so guys (and girls) from my class both on SC2 and a ton of other games. It’s been amazing, and some of the stuffs we’ve done as crazy (yes, legal and safe) ideas during the nights have been some of the best moments of my life, things normal teenagers wouldn’t have creative enough minds to even consider, no matter if said teenagers were drug addicts or geeks. It’s funny really, the clan I had started with my 9th grade friends had been doing stuffs together IRL all the time, but I was almost never interested, it just sounded so bland to me. Suddenly it had been turned completely upside down with my new friends, all for the better; the only thing that had been needed all along was a grain of originality and creativity.
Because of this, I had a quite long period of total inactivity on TL. SC2 was still too young to feel enjoyable in comparison to BW, game balance was iffy at best, and I had so much fun IRL that I didn’t even care anymore. It was many months later when I eventually posted something again, and when I actually did it was only due to a classmate daring me to post something which I know would get myself banned, but what did I care. Still, I had broken my long silence, and thought I might as well start looking around the forums again. Not long after that however we got ourselves into the “glorious” 1/1/1 era, something my heart still cringes at the mere thought of. I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind about it though, no matter how inappropriate it might have been. What price could possibly be too high to deny my freedom of speech?
The turning point for me at least came during GSL November, when we for the first time actually had an amazing finals. It was the first time I actually thought to myself that SC2 might be worthy of carrying on the legacy of BW. Mere weeks after, the Blizzard Cup had the most unbelievable ending to date, and for the first time, I was actually touched. That day I had a change of heart. During 2012, I’ve been invested infinitely more in the scene than I had been previously. On the contrary, I stopped playing 1v1 completely, and let esports fulfill that quota, while I kept playing team league with friends instead. My posting rate went up by god knows how much, and I never felt truly angry anymore. Sometimes sad, yes, but that was merely due to emotional investment, so I’d classify that as a good thing, looking at it from an esports point of view.
The first two seasons of GSL 2012 were probably my favorites. By that I do not mean by game quality nor the stories they brought along, but they happened to take place during my… peak? It’s hard to put into words, but during that era, my life had an optimal balance between reality and the virtual world. I was happy. Afterwards I still was, but what I didn’t realize in time was the fact that the sword was starting to swing too far in the other direction. My happiness came with a price… but I didn’t know that at the time. Honestly in the back of my head I probably did, but shamefully I pushed the thought aside and just went with it.
When talking about such a long-time commitment though it’s impossible not to familiarize yourself with people. Originally this hadn’t meant anything more than mere recognition, but as my interest in the community itself had started to grow towards the end of 2011, I slowly tried to blend in with the masses as best I could. I don’t even remember when I started, but amongst other things I started to dig myself into the hole known as KMD, first just some random poster, but eventually a regular. I found that it wasn’t just a thread, but rather a sub-community on TeamLiquid, and although it wasn’t exactly something most people would consider normal, a guilty pleasure ended up being a part of my everyday life. Many people have tried to spread the love to their respective social circles unsuccessfully, but, as I’ve already mentioned, my class is amazing in so many ways, and this was no exception either.
When looking at the big picture, there was nothing to complain about. Everything was perfect at the time. I was actually fascinated by SC2 as an esport, and my personal life was at its most enjoyable moment thus far. Sometimes I ask myself where it all went wrong, but the answer is actually somewhat obvious. I just have a hard time accepting it.
It was somewhere around mid-June the next phase began. Since the beginning of my summer vacation I had every day woken up in time for GSL in the morning, having lunch somewhere around the winners’ match, stayed in pajamas until like 4pm and then played D3 during the rest of the evening. It was blissful in its own special little way. However, this had led to me becoming very active in LR threads, and before long I was invited to the society known as the Illuminati of TL. That was the turning point.
Now, in itself I don’t regret becoming a part of it. I’ve never even considered it not being a good thing. What I didn’t realize was the cost; the indirect price to pay. The same way the SC rulebook teaches that you should never go too greedy (yes that includes Zergs), so did it apply to me. I couldn’t have both the cake and eat it, and I ended up in a situation where I had to give something up. I chose wrong.
You see, during my initial period of inactivity, I still followed TeamLiquid from a distance. It was nothing more than glancing on the latest results and the occasional liquibet, but other than that, there was nothing from TL that I needed. What was the point in discussing the current series being played, or the current state of game balance with some random people on an internet forum when we had five (sometimes more like ten) man Skype calls running from the moment school ended until we went to bed, every day for countless months on end.
When I started to become more active, it was partially due to there not being quite as many of us still playing regularly, and as a result, the around-the-clock socializing diminished somewhat in scale, enabling me to spend more time with the community instead, and at the time this was fine. The balance was well within the realm of reason.
Many months later though, going back to summer 2012 and my initiation into the LR Illuminati, within the blink of an eye, that balance was shattered. At the time, I didn’t notice, because many (if not most) of my friends were on holiday. It was summer vacation after all, who could blame them for lying on a beach somewhere? Also, I had gotten to the point where I felt “done” with the content D3 could provide at its current build, and SC2 had been put aside since its release. In other words, there was nothing occupying my time… and now I had a new way to kill it.
For the remainder of the summer, I think the LR group was a great success for me. True, it had drawn me away from reality for many weeks, but it wasn’t too big of a deal I thought. When the autumn school term started in August though… I don’t know what I was thinking.
Pretty much a week after school restarted, Guild Wars 2 was released, and despite not playing the original, I thought it’d be a great idea to try out such a hyped game, and hop on TeamLiquid’s own EU guild. Apparently there were a few others from my class planning to try it out as well and form a guild of their own, and what did I do? I went along with the original plan anyway, ignoring my real friends for the sake of the community. Now, I don’t regret the investment in itself, I thought it was a great game, and I ended up spending over 500 hours in there before coming to my senses and looking upon what I had done. My friends had long since stopped playing and had gone back to SC2 and other norms. They had kept asking me to come back to them, and I had done nothing but shrug it off, saying I “had a responsibility to the guild”.
One day I decided I was being an idiot, and shut GW2 down and logged on Battle.net instead, went on Skype, and it was like 2011 all over again. In retroperspective I have no idea why I was so cynical, but at least it was over. I knew where my loyalties lied.
That was now five weeks ago. Since that day, I’ve played nothing but SC2 and D3 with my real-life friends since, and you know what? I’m happy; happy in the way that it feels meaningful again.
However, there now exists a dilemma that did not exist back in the glory days. The sword has swung. My loyalties attempt to point it back towards reality, whereas TeamLiquid and Skype keep pulling me in the other. A Vorlon once said: “Truth is like a three-edged sword”. I have tried to make this a triumvirate, but alas, it cannot be done. Something must fall behind.
While all of this had been happening, KMD had simultaneously been running along smoothly, albeit increasingly spammy, annoying many people, but I had plenty of time so I didn’t mind too much. The mods however, did, and one by one, the banhammer was dropped on people I would consider friends and family in our own little subcommunity. In addition, the latter part of 2012 has been a terrible time for all things Kpop, and the thread has been all but dead lately. What instead ended up happening was a large portion of the populace migrating over to Skype instead, forming its own 24/7 convo, this one by far the spammiest of all the ones I’m a part of, involving TL or not. In a way I think it was a good learning experience to see how the people I thought I knew were like when there was no risk of moderation, but in the end, the concept itself was a really bad idea. Moving places doesn’t change the fact that there is still nothing relevant to talk about. Just a huge spamfest.
As far as TeamLiquid itself goes, I have never felt less invested before. Not even when I was inactive did it feel as stale as it does now. With KMD dead, LR threads containing nothing but Terran tears, and the community spreading itself towards branches that doesn’t interest me in the slightest (Dota2 etc), and me having never been interested in games like FPL or Mafia, there is nothing to keep me attached anymore. Whenever I open up my Google Chrome, I ask myself whether TL should still be my homepage. I find myself browsing around the forums not knowing where to click, not due to having nothing to do, but due to there being nothing worth clicking on. I don’t… feel comfortable like I used to. I don’t feel at home anymore.
And as far as the LR group goes, I still enjoy it even though I can feel that my mood has sometimes gotten through a little too much lately. That being said, it’s not been healthy for me this term. Far too many times I’ve found myself staying up several hours later into the night than I would have otherwise, solely due to being caught in conversation after conversation on Skype, constantly going from one topic to the next. Far too many times have I felt myself underperforming in school due to lack of sleep, or even arriving late because of it, neither of which I hardly ever did before this summer. Coincidence? I mean obviously this has more to do with me than the group itself, but it remains true all the same.
There have been so many reasons for me to feel disappointed with the community lately, and so many reasons for me to be ever so grateful to my real life friends for helping me snap out of it all. Even so, I tried to pretend like I could slowly edge my way back and pretend nothing happened; as if it was a fresh start to it all.
Then late last week I got temp banned due to nothing more than a misinterpretation. Now, one of the things I’ve always hated myself for is not yelling back at my teachers’ gradings of tests etcetera, as there is no reason to not try to chase after those few extra points, and the same logic had always applied with my moderation history. If something happened, I never uttered a word about it, no matter what I thought of it (although many of them I didn’t care about back then anyway). Regardless, this time was different. It was the first time I honestly felt straight up insulted over a moderation, but speaking up didn’t help.
In retroperspective though, I’m glad they didn’t budge, justified or not, as it gave me something to think about. I had found out about it on the morning of Friday the 14th, and during the bus ride to school right after I found myself staring out the window, knowing that I needed to do something drastic. Should I really be upset over this? Didn’t part of me… want this?
First class was my final math test of the season, and I botched it way more than I needed to as my head was still filled with thoughts. After that I went straight home again, once again staring out the window. This time however, I could feel tears starting to come at the back of my eyes (they never actually came out though), as I eventually accepted what I had to do.
They say you should always quit while you’re ahead right? In this case it’s rather a matter of quitting on my own terms, and having always known that I would have to go through with this one day, I have decided that that day has finally come. I have been overthinking this for a week now, and tried to collect my thoughts somewhat into this thread, conveying the message that my time here has come to an end. I’d like to ask to be permanently banned.
Now, I’m not abandoning you for good. I just wish to make a journey back in time in order to try and sort everything out the way it used to be. I know some people who would claim I’m running from my responsibilities, but you know what? That’s what I said a month or two ago. I’ll still be reachable via other services if you know where to find me.
To all the remaining populace of KMD, I can only hope that you will possess the willpower and stamina to revive the thread to its former “glory”. Naturally it would help a lot if Korea would actually release any material worth discussing, but I have faith in you regardless. I’ll still check by for new promotions, but other than that, I’m sorry, you’re in this alone now.
As far as the Illuminati goes, I’ve been going back and forth in my mind as far as whether I should stick around or not, but with Christmas break coming up I’ve decided to stay on for a while longer at least. I suspect that leaving everything behind would swing the balance to far in the opposite direction instead. I’ll have to do my best to keep myself on a short leash though so I won’t end up in the same situation as before. As far as next school term goes, I’m not making any promises, but at the same time it’s been better the last few weeks as my friends has been pulling me back into reality enough for me to stay somewhat distanced. It might turn out alright. After all, I’m not bailing on esports (hell we had perhaps the best series this year just a little over 24 hours ago); I’m merely changing my ways of following it. It will be more like the lurking days, as all I really want from TL now is the streams, Liquipedia and the LR group, neither of which are actually on TL itself. I will never again forget my priorities or allegiances however.
Oh, and to all the followers I’ve picked up in desktop threads, I’m sorry I can’t keep this up any longer. Have no fear though, this way you might actually feel inspired enough to go look for them yourselves instead, it’s not that hard. I’d like to more personally apologize to Archas though as I had actually promised to stand-in for creating the threads in the first place, but I’m sure he can find a replacement for that.
And Juliette… while it admittedly saddened me when your personal life meant you had to distance yourself from me, I hope my actions today will have a similar turn of events on my behalf, and maybe one day you could be as proud of me as I am of you.
Finally, and most importantly, to the TeamLiquid staff and all of the community I’d like to say this:
As negative as I might have come off reading this, I want you all to know that despite everything, I’m eternally grateful for everything you’ve given me over the years. The insight, inspiration and joy that I have experienced from esports and its followers is something I might never have known even existed if it wasn’t for TL. It’s been an invaluable part of my teenage years, and when I leave for Uni next year, I’ll take all this with me.
So thank you. Thank you for the years that, in the end, have been the best years of my life. TL has played a crucial role, both the royalties and the peasants.
I wish all of you the best of luck in life. Thanks for everything… and Merry Christmas.
Farewell.
/Erik
we have some fun in the LR a while back making puns on kpop, electric shock and Mr.bangbang 
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