EPTSo I'm looking at probably the cleanest bathroom I've ever been in.
I'm on a road trip across the eastern US, currently in Virginia. Now the fun thing about road trips is that getting from point A to point B takes several hours. Nine to be precise. Which means somewhere in there you're going to need to take a dump.
Luckily McDonalds has really clean toilets. Even deep in Buttfuck, Virginia where the only point of interest is a highway that can take you to Washington. They have good standards.
This bathroom consists of one stall (containing moi), two urinals, and maybe 2-3 sinks. It's not a one-person bathroom but it's still pretty small. My deep reflections inside this stall are interrupted by a man who barges in the bathroom.
When you're taking a dump, your senses are all relaxing, so anything out of the ordinary starts you up. In this case, crap. But also the other things. For example, there's always this little slit where you can gaze upon the outside world. In this case I was gazing upon a fat guy in his mid-40's, maybe 200, 220 pounds. He turned to meet my gaze as soon as he heard the splash.
Heavy knocks on the door. This dude was serious business. "LET ME THE FUCK IN"
"Fuck off guy, I'm in here..."
"HOLY SHIT LEMME IN"
"Wait your turn, I need to finish."
Note that at this point I'm still taking my sweet time. But this guy was ready. Frantic footsteps around the urinal section of the bathroom. Then he stops. One second of silence.
Then he starts to run. He hits the ground and does one of those commando rolls. This is where I begin to realize I'm in deep shit. I start trying to kick him out. This doesn't work for two reasons.
One, you never, ever, screw with a crazy person who wants something, especially if he's on an adrenaline rush. My dad taught me that shortly after Virginia Tech happened.
And two, because of the way my legs are positioned I don't have enough momentum to really do anything against him. The toilet stall has just enough clearance to get this clown through the gap despite my valiant efforts. He completes his interrupted roll and bolts up, dropping his pants.
Then he pushes me off of the toilet.
This is what I wasn't expecting. My mind was still piecing together how this dude cleared the space under the stall. But suddenly I wasn't sitting on that clean white porcelain, but on the equally clean floor beside it. A very cold floor. I look up in horror at this guy who's pretty much forgotten me. All his mental efforts are going into squeezing 10 kilos of firewood out of his sphincter.
And he shit hard too. He was vibrating on the chair, and I think at one point the force of the dump actually lifted him off of the seat for a split second. Note that his entire dump took less than fifteen seconds. Bear that in mind. It's very important.
He notices me for possibly the first time in that entire episode. He stands up, pulls up his pants (no wiping for this guy!) casually zips up and adjusts his belt, and looks right at me. Note that at this point I'm still on the ground, speechless.
He says, "you could try to flush that down but I don't think the toilet will like it. Best let the janitors pick it up." Then he just opens the door and strolls out like he just got a job promotion. I stand up, pull up my pants (you think I'm going to take my time in there?) and out of curiosity have a look at what he meant.
Again, less than fifteen seconds.
There was more crap in there than I have ever seen in one single pile. It was nothing less than a mountain of the stuff. It didn't begin to start smelling yet, thankfully. I took his advice and got the hell out of there.
I'm happy to say that the rest of the trip home was a fairly enjoyable one.
