Day 27 - Amsterdam

After having lunch, we headed back to the Damrak. Upon arrival, we noticed a so called “Sex Museum” open to the main road, it being somewhat of the thing to do while in Amsterdam, we decided to take a closer look. I wasn’t expecting much, but it wasn’t bad. Some displays were a tad odd: A life size man who shuffles forward, then opens his cloak to you exposing himself; a prostitute giving a man head in some dark corner; a man ejaculating into your face (protected by a sheet of glass). Giggles and peals of laughter were unavoidable in any room of the establishment. Other rooms provided some historical backgrounds. One was full of photographic pornography through the ages, which ranged from fully clothed women through to black and white S&M threesomes. The place was interesting and entertaining, probably worth the 5 euro entry fee but certainly should appear on any ‘must see’ list.

Our night was destined to become progressively more risqué. Over dinner at a place called Wok to Work, I noticed a very odd looking couple. I’m still convinced the woman was an escort, because I’ve never seen two people act like that around each other before or since.

Night had fallen as we ate, so we decided to walk through the world famous red light district. I don’t know if I could have ever mentally prepared myself for that place. It felt like something out of a sci-fi novel. The alleys we walked down were lined with windows each perhaps a metre across, which doubled as doors opening onto the bedroom. In each window, there was a woman bathed in red and UV light. There was woman after woman, beckoning to the people in the street, tapping on the windows, licking their lips, doing whatever they could to attract customers. A throng of men coursed through the street, sizing up the various women, making judgements (often out loud) and entering into negotiations. When a deal was made, the man would be invited inside and a curtain drawn, obscuring vision but not blocking out the sounds.

Morbidly fascinating was the way Kelly put it, and it was. Here was a section of society that i’d never been exposed to before laid bare. Men (very occasionally couples) paying money for what was presumably very emotionally detached sex. Did they do it because they were in Amsterdam, and it was the thing to do? Or was it because they felt alone? Perhaps they were just desperate for a fuck. Either way, I couldn’t help but feel it was all rather sad.

That all being said, it also felt unexpectedly safe. Even Kelly admitted she felt safe there. There were plenty of other women there, doing the same thing as us. One of the benefits of bringing it out in the open I suppose. It was the women in the windows surprised me the most however. I hadn’t really known what to expect, but if anything I had expected broken shells of women, like in the movies and literature. Instead, the women seemed relatively happy, and were often seen chatting animatedly on their phones or to their neighbours when not otherwise engaged. I understand there is still a large problem with pimping and trafficking, but I couldn’t help but feel the prostitutes probably had it far easier than in most other countries. At the same time, some part of it was undoubtedly a facade, disguising the nastier aspects of the sex trade from those who don’t look too closely.

One of Kelly’s friends had been along to a live sex show while in Amsterdam, and recommended it. The kind of thing you don’t really ever get the opportunity to experience elsewhere we thought, so we did some quick research on the computer back at the hotel before heading off to what the interwebs told us was the best deal.

Porco Rosso was the name of the place, from memory. The 70 euro ticket (for both us) provided entry into two separate shows and 4 free drinks from the bar. The guy who sold us the tickets was some random dude on the side of the street, who then pointed us in the right direction. It occurred to me after handing over the money that we had no proof he represented the shows at all. Thankfully, it wasn’t a scam and we made it into the shows without incident.
The first show was up a narrow flight of stairs, which opened up into a dimly lit medium sized room lined with benches to sit on, and a raised platform front and centre. A woman had already begun her set as we entered, and was dressed in her underwear and dancing to the raunchy music playing. A light shone up from underneath her, making her look (forgive me) very exotic and interesting. It was a well designed act, the music and lighting fit and she was very attractive. Unfortunately, the room had a very seedy feel to it, and I was utterly unable to relax. However, after a few minutes of slowing taking off her remaining clothes, the woman brought out a cigar. She proceeded to cut and light it, taking a few puffs on it before lying down. She then inserted the unlit end of the cigar into her vagina, and began to smoke the cigar. I distinctly remember Kelly’s sharp intake of breath at that point. I’m sure everybody in the room agreed with her sentiment of “whoa”. Not all that sexy, but damned entertaining.

The next act was a stereotypical stripper. She looked haggard, but did her best to entertain as she stripped and masturbated in front of us. She was followed by some sort of Vietnam war protest cum porno starring a slightly overweight woman and her emotionless partner. It was all very odd, and completely outside my ken. I can’t imagine how people get erections in that room.

Apparently the first show was simply a warm up for the main event, situated across the canal. The format was of an infinitely rotating set of acts, so we took our time. Got some fresh air and discussed how immensely odd the show had been so far. Upon leaving, we noticed that the people seated behind us in the show were a young Asian lesbian couple, which was probably the highlight of my trip to Europe. Kawaii desu yo!

After psyching ourselves up for the main event, we made our way over. The place again defied expectations. It was a well lit, reasonably sized theatre with a large stage and the audience was roughly a third female. We grabbed the first of our drinks, and sat down to watch.

The first act we saw (infinite rotation) was a dominatrix. She strutted up and down the aisle, looking for a volunteer, before eventually coercing a middle aged man. We were reminded over the intercom that cameras were strictly forbidden and then the show began. I, and most of the crowd I imagine, were expecting some conceivably unwatchable S&M, but instead the act was all about (surprisingly) humour. The whip was discarded almost immediately, and the woman strapped a floppy dildo to the man’s head, and motioned for him to try to use it on her. Obviously it was set up such that it wouldn’t work, but the man’s vain efforts were hilarious. That one moment really set the scene for the rest of the night. Our concerns about it being serious and seedy were set aside, and the entire crowd relaxed and started to simply enjoy the entertainment.

We were shown a wide variety of acts, from solo acts to extremely built couples energetically having sex upon a rotating bed. We had a male stripper who similarly entertained by tormenting one poor young woman from the crowd(by stripping in front of her, and encouraging her to touch him), whose friends laid on some mean peer pressure to get her up there. We had fun, her friends had fun and she had a lot of fun in the end too.

There were other highlights too. One hot Asian stripper spent a large amount of time staring at Kelly while fucking herself with two glass dildos. The cigar woman made a reappearance, though she looked very bored as she preformed the exact same act we’d seen an hour or two ago. At one point, I even took part in a conga line and, along with a number of others, ate a banana next to a woman’s crotch. A man in

It was a good night really, well worth the price. The shows were sex shows, but weren’t really about the sex, but about entertainment and just having plain fun.