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Ever since my mothers death I have not been myself. I have had nightmares, I've had tantrums for no reason, I cry like if everything hurts me. I think about horrible thoughts I've never would have even imagined. I can't deal with the stress of life anymore. My job being on top of me all the time.
Some one in the corner reminding me that my mother is dead. My own sister telling me my mother died because of me. I know I have had conflicts with her before, but for my sister to say this? I feel like everything is my fault. I'm broke, I have no money. My girlfriend has been paying for my dinner recently. She gets mad at me all the time now.
Wtf, I can't stand anything anymore. I have to be constantly moving to even think straight. If I stay in the same room for more than an hour, I start to go crazy. I don't sleep well anymore. I sleep maybe two hours a night. I have probably slept like eight hours this whole week or maybe less. I just don't know anymore.
I went to see a physcologist. I feel like they can't help me; that they just say what our minds want to hear, but my mind is not stupid. My mind knows that they say things like this to try make us feel better.
You may wonder what my horrible thoughts are, well here's a list from the most I think about to the least:
Suicide
Murder
Anger
Rage
Depression
Fuck god that worthless piece of shit
Fuck everyone that is around me
I want to be lonely.
Drugs.
The first two are things I would never do, because I know I can't find myself ever doing those things, but the thought of them just release and add to the situation. I know I need better "help," but better help won't help me like I need. You might think I'm crazy but meh, doesn't bother me. I think I'm crazy too. Sorry I just needed to rant.
 
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Just know that she loves you. She wouldn't want you to think about the stuff you're thinking right now. Live for her sake. You're her legacy, after all.
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Was it your primary care doc who referred you to a psychologist?
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Keep in mind I'm not qualified to make suggestions, but I have a few ideas. I think that what you're doing right now is good. Simply venting, to an extent of course, is a really healthy way, assuming you have friends that will really listen to you and respond, not shallow friends that don't deeply care.
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No, I went to a psychologist myself to see if I really do have a problem. I solved that now.
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Yeah when my dad died I had a lot of horrible thoughts. Starting to go away now though, I suppose having a good support group would be the best.
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20 hours a day of iccup.
instant fix.
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On July 12 2009 11:10 Skyze wrote:
20 hours a day of iccup.
instant fix.
a very ill mannered joke.
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Cognitive behavioral therapy can help more than you think. You need to recognize that what you think and what you believe about yourself is not necessarily true. Depression is what happens when people interpret everything that happens in life negatively. Seeing a trained cb therapist helps you organize your thoughts and figure out what you can do to start feeling better. Therapists are not there to be your friends, they're not going to tell you what a great person you are etc. They're there to help you figure out why you feel how you feel and what you can do to stop feeling that way. But they can only help if you're willing to listen and give them a little credit. Moreover, therapy takes time. I mean, recovery takes time, but you'll get there eventually if you have the patience to wait it out. Therapists can also get you on anti-depressants, which help a lot.
Best of luck, and I hope everything works out for you.
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On July 12 2009 10:52 Archaic wrote:
Keep in mind I'm not qualified to make suggestions, but I have a few ideas. I think that what you're doing right now is good. Simply venting, to an extent of course, is a really healthy way, assuming you have friends that will really listen to you and respond, not shallow friends that don't deeply care.
That's a common assumption, but there's no evidence to support the helpfulness of venting. It could possibly be bad.
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Just hang in there, things are shitty now but one day they'll get better. There is no where to go but up. I would recommend camping with a friend or two or maybe by yourself if you're experienced. Nature has a way of clearing our heads.
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Also, it sounds like your day to day environment is just awful, and is probably contributing a lot to your depression. It's very difficult to recover when you're surrounded by people and places that remind you of bad things that have happened. If you have the option to get away, exercise it. Get a new job, or find a place to volunteer. Be around positive people in positive environments. You need to be reminded that you can be a valuable human being and that you deserve respect, but it's hard to feel that way when everybody around you treats you like shit.
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On July 12 2009 11:21 reincremate wrote:Show nested quote +On July 12 2009 10:52 Archaic wrote:
Keep in mind I'm not qualified to make suggestions, but I have a few ideas. I think that what you're doing right now is good. Simply venting, to an extent of course, is a really healthy way, assuming you have friends that will really listen to you and respond, not shallow friends that don't deeply care. That's a common assumption, but there's no evidence to support the helpfulness of venting. It could possibly be bad.
Yes there is, it was in one of the Scientific American: Mind sometime during 2007, don't remember the specific issue.
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Oh boy. Life sucks at times man, first accept that. It happens to everyone, maybe to different extents and for different reasons. You have to find the strength to hold on and eventually get through this rough phase. It's the only way to go. Don't think about drugs, how could self-destruction help you with anything?
I don't feel I'm qualified enough to suggest a course of action. Maybe you should give the psychologist a second chance and tell him about how you feel about their advice, or go see a different one too. I'm not sure if this is valid, but perhaps you can find something creative you can dedicate most of your time that will keep your mind focused and help you grow in a way as time goes by. Like learning an instrument or a craft, or studying about stuff you find interesting.
Have faith that you can overcome it and go with small steps towards your goals. If you haven't already read Rekrul's biography in his blog for inspiration. I'm not saying it's the same by any means, but it makes you see how things worked out for some people even when everthing seems desperate at times.
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try to channel all these negative feelings into an outlet or inspiration to accomplish the things you want to do in life. You will never be able to fill the place your mother has in your heart because she will always be there. Your mother gave birth to you knowing that she would not always be around, and you along with your sister (terrible person she may be?) were her greatest love. Keeping this in mind, know that you are strong enough to overcome this loss and your mother's love made you that way. Think of life as a gift that your mother gave you and how many wonderful things there are to live for. Remember to count your blessings and realize that things could be much, much worse for you. Surround yourself with positive people, friends, family and don't be ashamed to let your feelings out. In the end this will make you stronger than you can imagine. We are a persevering people - we fall, and then we pick ourselves up.
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anyway, I cant say something like "I get how u feel" or something.. because I cant because Iv never experienced that. BUT, u can try involving ur self in something, some that helps other people. Usually that helps u feel better because one, ur making others happy, and because of that u will feel like ur an amazing person... It doesnt have to be some charity or a food bank. Even helping people learn starcraft or something. If you cant find something like that, u can just pick up a hobby.
Pain is destined, but Misery is a choice. I dont think ur mother would like it if you mourned for too long. Remember, your mom is watching from somewhere. And TL members are watching from somewhere too! We are here for you, and thats y we are a community.
One thing I can say is everything wil be alright alright!
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First of all if you think the psycologist that you saw only wants to make you feel better then you surely have a problem and you are being negative (is normal).
My mom is a psycologist and I can assure you, if they are properly trained the least they would do is cocksucking, psycologists are there to guide you and create a path so that you can feel better without lies, they can advise you and maybe make you see things a bit different (IN your case stop being negative and start to understand that life does suck sometimes).
You are going through the 5 stages of mourning or grief which are:
1-Numbness.
2-Denial and Isolation.
3-Anger.
4-Depression.
5-Acceptance.
http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/loss/phases.html
check that article and try to understand how you are feeling, try to get in touch with more family members and well.. make an effort and try to get better.
And I know how you are feeling (you have heard this a lot of times) because I have lost several close relatives as well (including a brother), I have been through all those phases and believe me, with hard work and good support from therapists and family members, you can overcame the shadow in which you are right now and you will be able to move on, the only thing that you require is WILL to do so, feeling sorry about yourself or your situation wont bring anything good..
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On July 12 2009 11:19 ahrara_ wrote:
Cognitive behavioral therapy can help more than you think. You need to recognize that what you think and what you believe about yourself is not necessarily true. Depression is what happens when people interpret everything that happens in life negatively. Seeing a trained cb therapist helps you organize your thoughts and figure out what you can do to start feeling better. Therapists are not there to be your friends, they're not going to tell you what a great person you are etc. They're there to help you figure out why you feel how you feel and what you can do to stop feeling that way. But they can only help if you're willing to listen and give them a little credit. Moreover, therapy takes time. I mean, recovery takes time, but you'll get there eventually if you have the patience to wait it out. Therapists can also get you on anti-depressants, which help a lot.
Best of luck, and I hope everything works out for you.
CBT works incredibly well. I recommend reading the book Feeling Good. It's a self help book made by one of the world's leading cognitive behavioral therapists.
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Know this:
Ultimately only you can help yourself.
Make this rage your sword. This grief your shield.
You fight in the bowels of your mind... There is no place darker.
There is but one trap left: Expectation.
Goals keep us alive but expectations kill.
Embrace the frothy sea and sink.
Then with newfound life, soar.
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Losing someone who is such an integral part of your life is a really shattering experience, I understand as I have gone through it myself. Ultimately, you must realize that your life is your own and that no matter who fades in and out of it, it is still worth living to the fullest.
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sadly you can never know when someone leaves this world - it could be over for any of us any minute - but there is no sense in dwelling on that thought as you just waste the time you have in doing that, similarly you should learn to accept the fact that your mother is gone and to not let the pain/depression take over because of that... such things are not planned, they just happen and what you got to do now is carry on as you can't change the facts anyway - your mother wouldn't have wanted your life destroyed because of it.
if you manage to develop some kind of positive basic attitude still time will heal your wounds.
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You need to face some stuff and clear it up.
I'd love to talk to you about it. It really could help a lot.
But if you are like the majority of people here you probably have a poor opinion of me and don't want to. But if you do, just pm me.
If you don't want to talk to me about it... I recommend you find someone else. Someone levelheaded and kind. Speak your mind to them, tell them how you feel. Let them help you sort out your thoughts.
Your sister says the things she says because she is hurt and confused.
I am so sorry for the pain you experience now but things won't last forever.
Please don't be afraid to let someone help you with this. I know I can help you, at least some, if you just take a chance on it. Dealing with this stuff is what my life is centered around. No one would have to know. And if not me, someone else. Please.
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I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe you can think about donating a kidney? I walked past a stall where they were raising awareness about how many people have to go get dialysis every week just to survive and it's a really long and suffering life for them, yet most of us have two healthy kidneys and can afford to help them, but there is always a shortage. You could make a real big difference to someone's life, even if yours feels really sad.
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EPT
