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유령의 노래 / Song of Ghost
Nell
I can't be felt
I can't be seen
In this figure
in this loneliness
in this agony
I am calling you
I am here
Why can't you see me
when I call you
You can feel me
You can hear me
You can see me
In you
In front of you
Watch me pass by you
When I feel you
When I protect you
When I call you..
When you feel cold
When you feel someone
Think a little.
I am in you
I am passing by you
I am in you..
I am standing in front of you
Creep
Radiohead
When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh
She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here...
Nell
I can't be felt
I can't be seen
In this figure
in this loneliness
in this agony
I am calling you
I am here
Why can't you see me
when I call you
You can feel me
You can hear me
You can see me
In you
In front of you
Watch me pass by you
When I feel you
When I protect you
When I call you..
When you feel cold
When you feel someone
Think a little.
I am in you
I am passing by you
I am in you..
I am standing in front of you
Creep
Radiohead
When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh
She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here...
I don't need to listen to them anymore. The times when I added them are over now... finally.
That girl I talked about previously, we'll call her Emily (not real name), she's... awesome.
This past weekend, we went skiing in Wisconsin, just the two of us. Took the trip in my beat-up Pathfinder, and nearly got stranded in the middle of the worst blizzard of this year, but we pulled through.
Worth every minute, I tell you. Road trip was hilarious--we pull out of chicago and I get a pretty bad cramp in my foot so she has to take over the wheel, but then she finds out she can't drive worth crap (and admits it, thank god not another delusional female driver) so we decide to pull over in this roadside rest area and get some shiatsu massage from those chairs (which hurt like hell).
So I was kind of nervous because I only booked one room (with two beds) at the resort, but she was cool with it.... We get back on the interstate, ski, sleep, do the spa thing, ski some more, come back and on the way back she starts drawing on the windshield. I think I nearly hit something trying to look at it, but turns out she was just doodling a heart, so w/e mushy girl stuff ggnore.
It's only been 1 week, but I just wanted to say that I feel done with being single and lonely.
EDIT: We share a bit of things...
You see, I had some pretty fucked up relationships.
My first girlfriend in high school was older than me and basically used me as her personal fuck toy, and though she was hot we had a pretty shallow relationship. Second girlfriend's parents liked me more than she liked me, and both liked me more than I liked her, so it was a pretty awkward relationship.
Third girlfriend was pretty normal aside from being the only girl (and so far the only one I've ever met) who enjoyed pornos (not the really fucked up stuff though). I broke her heart because I wanted to be single starting college and because I didn't want to do long-d... she hurted from that for half a year (cried hard) before being a guarded friend with me now. But... she didn't take care of herself at college... now one of those ugly, fat sorority chicks who does coke and sleeps around. Sad, sometimes I feel guilty.
Then in college I had my first Chinese girlfriend ever... who left me for a job in Hong Kong with Morgan Stanley, all the while reassuring me up until the end that she wanted to stay with me while really just wanting attachment until she kissed my ass goodbye. Yeah, this time it was my time to cry. I did everrything for this girl (I mean, you name it, I was doing it for her, including cooking, cleaning, etc.)
I mean, I really loved that girl. Lisa (we'll call her that) was everything I wanted--smart, funny, and someone who saw through the bullshit in the world the same way that I did... except I could never see through her bullshit. It took me quite a while to forgive myself for that.
We exchange emails around our birthdays and at Christmastime each year, but other than that it's radio silence.
You could call me jaded.
After college it was all a blur because of the rush of making more money than I'd expected at my job, and the fact that girls in Chicago are a lot more... real than they ever were in Cali or Boston (less pretend, more hookup). One of my high school friends had gone to the U of Chicago, so I got to know a bunch of people from that school.
And that's how I met Emily. First saw her at a Thanksgiving party, later that night we all went clubbing so we spent the night grinding away. Pretty cool in retrospect (that girl knows how to dance) even though she doesn't seem like the clubby type.
Now she's sleeping about five feet away from my chair. I'd feel guilty writing about her while she's in condition to respond, but I think this is more about deleting my memories than anything else.
EDIT: She had a sad past too--came from a family where her father cheated on her mom for 10 years and fathered two (known) illegitimate children, and also got dumped by her previous boyfriend for "being too clingy". I could tell her story but I probably shouldn't go more than that.
The past is finally done now. I can finally delete those sad songs... move on.
--
I still keep a photograph of autumn leaves swirling under a picture perfect row of oak trees next to red brick turn-of-the-century mansionettes on a quiet collegiate road. It reminds me of a story. I'll tell it next time.
