EPT
I'm sure most of you have already heard the news: Activision merged with Vivendi Games (Blizzard's mommy).
Because I'm a pretty important guy in the world of economics and mergers and large numbers and stuff, I managed to get my grizzly little paws on this otherwise top secret message, sent by Activision's board of directors to the loveable company we all have a borderline obsession with, Blizzard Entertainment. It was written in what appeared to be blood on a thick leathery, smelly piece of paper. I guess they really needed that merger if they didn't even have the money to buy proper office utensils!
Anyway, I got bored so I copied the contents to this blog. You have absolutely no business reading it and I'm pretty sure it violates some privacy laws, so whatever you do, don't read it.
![[image loading]](http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/2508/candykid1ywhy9.gif)
Here's a cool pic to distract you so you don't read that thing a little farther down. What thing? Don't worry about it.
PRIVATE MEMO
FROM: ACTIVISION
TO: BLIZZARD ENTERTAINMENT
CONFIDENTIAL - DO NOT DISTRIBUTE
Hey kids,
We're your new daddy! Ha ha, just a little Activision humor for you. It's exemplary of the laid back, buddy-buddy atmosphere we like to cultivate over at the ol' A-V headquarters. It can't always be fun and games though. Sometimes it's time to talk business, like now for example. I know you guys have been hearing a lot of talk about 'merging' and 'combining', but let me assure you that this is about as much of a merger as the 1939 German invasion into Poland was an invitation.
There will be some changes in your daily operations. We have taken the liberty of compiling two neatly bulleted lists. One contains general changes, while the other one contains a few modest modifications we would like to see to your upcoming hit, Starcraft II.
Obey, and you will see that we are kind. Disobey, and... well, you're probably familiar with the popular "Saw" movie series.
GENERAL CHANGES
- We don't know which deity you used to worship, but now it's Satan, Lord of All Darkness. Every full moon, you will sacrifice a virgin in His honor. We're sure you have plenty of those around, anyway.
- The following phrase will be uttered at least five times every day by every employee: "Man, Activision sure is cool." There will be no exceptions for weekends or holidays.
- There will no longer be such a thing as "working for Blizzard" or "not working for Blizzard". There will, however, be such a thing as "working for Blizzard" or "death".
- We will send a construction team to fit your office buildings with various traps and holes which you must cross by swinging on a rope. This will be the only path to your work area. Failure to complete the course in under 20 minutes will result in death.
- Your Christmas bonuses will go up 20%, but we can assure you it's dirty money. Very dirty money.
STARCRAFT II CHANGES
- The Terran must be replaced by Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk can perform various cool skating tricks like Ollies and grinds.
- The player must be able to also select his opponent's buildings and be able to produce or cancel units in them as he deems fit. Multiple Building Selection will also be in effect for this feature.
- To appeal more to the growing female demographic, the Zerg Broods will mostly consist of pretty ponies, baby bear cubs and butterflies. Kerrigan has to wear a nice dress.
- Use of the Battle.net service will cost users a monthly fee of $20. They will complain, they will threaten you and your loved ones and perhaps even commit arsony, but they will soon cave in and pay. They always do.
- You will purposefully maintain imbalances. Regularly, you will release patches with balance changes that change one imbalance to another, while promising it's perfect this time. This will cause disillusioned players to flock back with every new patch, only to have their dreams shattered again and be out of another $20.
This concludes our demands. We hope you like them, because they are not negotiable. May your company continue to be a fat sow on the flesh of which we can feast, from now until the incarnation of our Dark Lord, after which all life shall be expunged.
Peace out,
Activision Board of Directors
wish i listened to you when you said not to read it
