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I had to write a poem on my philosophy, its kind of religious so don't get pissed
My goal in life is to do what Jesus said
So that I know where I’m going when I’m on my deathbed
Have faith in him, don’t try to impress
What’s up with people at church wearing ties or a dress?
Help the others, help the poor
Once you start doing it, you’ll end up doing more
Do all those things with the right mind
Or then with different ambitions, you can go blind
Follow His word, don’t have doubt
Learn to open my ears and shut my mouth
Careful of what I’m saying,
So instead of cussing like I can use words like dang
When a person slaps you, turn to your other cheek
And let’s not forget, let’s also be meek
Honor your parents, don’t go off on them
Because it’s a commandment, let’s not be condemned
If a person takes your jacket, give them other stuff
But don’t call the cops and give them handcuffs
Seek God’s kingdom, I know he’s number one
Because He gave Jesus, his only true son
How to honor him, it’s been hard
But that doesn’t mean I can just discard
Read the bible, faith with action
Got to learn how to do it without distraction
I'm not done yet but what do you all think?
  
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Snet
United States3573 Posts
If a person takes your jacket, give them other stuff
But don’t call the cops and give them handcuffs
made me lol
the poem will probably get you a good grade though
rated this blog a 4/5
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It seems like a good start, but could use revision. There's not a whole lot of imagery used, so it's very difficult to get a clear mental image of your philosophy. Try using some similes, metaphors, personification, etc. The ideas of each line don't flow together; it goes from one concept to another and feels very synthetic. It may sound nit-picky, but the syllables of the lines also are widely varying with no identifiable pattern, it would help add a rhythm to the poem, a pulse so to speak.
I hope that helps.
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I was trying to put a little rhythm while reading but I know what you mean. what are some imagery I could use?
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Hmm, trying to think of some really quick that might work well. Try relating your beliefs to something concrete so that people can get a clear picture in their heads.
Like saying, The Bible is my compass through life and guides me... etc. At "Honor your parents" you could add something in regarding a train maybe? And the parents lay the tracks and you should follow them? Also you could say something about God's hand engulfing you as a shield so that you don't need violence for protection?
Sorry if the ones I'm coming up with aren't helping much, it's past 1:15 AM here.
[Edit] Rereading it, the "handcuffs" part is on the right track. Since handcuffing someone gives a very solid image, it allows the reader to really visualize what you mean.
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Oh ok thanks, same here you live in east side right
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Yeah, eastern time zone.
[Edit^2] Just to clarify, I'm not trying to bash your poem or anything, I was just giving my views on what an English teacher or someone who's grading it may look for. I know my English 12 teacher goes real crazy about descriptive writings all that imagery stuff.
One more thing: Starting off a wiring with phrases such as "My goal in life_____" or "I believe _____" is usually a very fast way to get the teach to dock points, at least from my experiences. In my English assignments, if we even use sentences like that at all we get mad points taken away.
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Its fine, its actually for humanities, she doesnt really care on anything but I'll work on what you said, thanks
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Oh okay, I was looking at it from the standpoint of a die-hard English paper.
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Dang, no wonder I was getting all pissed at my writing cuz my teachers just like bleh.. At least it will help me from now on, thank you.
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EPT
