EPTI was going though a break up 2 weeks ago and I now realize, it most likely a manic episode the first one ever or at least the most intense one I've even gotten. She's the one I blogged about before. We lasted a little over 6 years together and 8 years as best friends. I can't say I remember much of those 5 days it lasted so it might be the reason I can't remember other times I was like that. I always thought I had schizoid personality disorder since I was around so many like minded people and the symptoms all seemed to fit. I thought I had a very intense fantasy life like it mentions. Turns out it was hallucinations and delusions I didn't want to admit I had since I was around 5-7 years old and repressed any memories I had of them that couldn't be described as a fantasy and that happened retroactively as well since then. During that episode, I unrepressed a lot of memories I didn't know I have since then slowly.
I now know that since I was around 7 years old or so and really in pain over being born into a house of neglectful parents and what would be considered child abuse today, I started to hear voices. A lot of the times they weren't auditory, but they were during very traumatic moments in my life. It's hard to explain, but I always 'hear' my thoughts in my voice. It's something people have studied a lot and it's a real thing, but sometimes I'll have a thought that isn't my own voice. They tend to make me think crazy things(people hate the word crazy, but it's how I feel). Like I thought since I was kid people hated my monotone voice because they talked over me a lot. Since they did that, they never cared about me. Which is totally crazy thought pattern. I've felt things that weren't real like someone was watching me or certain feelings like paranoia or bouts of intense fear or terror or panic. Oh and for years I heard the discord message alert sound when I wasn't even signed into discord. Which was at times as frequent as every 30 minutes to an hour. That drove me insane. Kept checking discord and getting upset I never got a mention or message. When I was younger, I thought it was normal. I used to beg the universe to send me somebody or anything so I wouldn't feel alone anymore. I hate to say it, but I didn't feel so alone anymore. It's why I never sought help for awhile because they helped me. This hit me the other day, but I was miserable as a kid before I got them. I used to have days where I just didn't care anymore and if I saw a bus on some of those days, I would've jumped in front of it. It just never worked out logistically came close. That's a 5 year old kid thinking that. The voices stopped those thoughts by drowning them out or there just wasn't enough room for the voices and the thoughts in my head.
I have also seen things during really traumatic events that can't explained. Since I was young, I saw a black transparent figure that only had a big mouth who I called the universe since he told me he sent the voices and that's who I asked for them technically. He showed up when it was really bad like my suicidal moments. We had entire conversations and talked me off the cliff several times. Particularly when I was 19 and it was around 3 months on my anti-depressants. I woke up really panicked and overwhelmed with a sense of terror. Something was wrong. He appeared and let me see what the meds made my body notice. I was entirely empty inside. Just a void. Even my heart was teetering on going out forever. It was all the things the abuse from my parents and an abusive ex took from me over the years. My identity and emotions and my trust and my ability to be happy and several other things. Nothing was left after the abuse. I agreed to stop them only if he showed me life was worth living. I gave him I deadline. New years eve 11:45 pm when I was 21. If he didn’t, I’d finish what the pills started.
That's when I met my now ex who for a long time I excused any questionable behaviour like I did the voices. I think it was the fall, but the meds I quit cold turkey wiped most of my memory from ages 19-21 and can't remember a specific date. She made me want to live again and help me feel like a person again. She slowly took back the things the abuse stole from me when I was younger. Who I know now to be a toxic borderline abusive person who only was with me so she didn't have to face her abusive mother alone. May have sexually abused me at times, but I need to unpack with a therapist one day. During the breakup call, the voices and the universe took over me. I knew it was them. I could see them clear as day in my body. It was like I was watching myself from across the room as they said things just to hurt her. I hate I ignored my problems since I was kid, but they asked her at the end if she'd ever want a note when not if I went through with it finally. It was weird I thought I always wanted to die growing up, but it was the first time I wanted to live. They said those things to try to get me to believe them. No one would care if I spoke up, so just give up and go along with what they wanted. They have a power over me because they always talked me off the cliff so many times before. They've been quiet since then, but it scares the shit out that they'll be back and they're plotting to take over for good. There was a few moments I wanted to give in and go back to them. Just go back to be alone and miserable and repress things until I don't feel anymore.
I have reached out to my doctor who was apparently freaked out I told him I heard voices and such during a voice message when I asked for an earlier appointment. At first I just asked to see him and they told me 3 weeks. I said that ain't work for me. I've been hearing voices for over 2 decades I need help. They called back and said to keep the appointment and go to the hospital if it's that bad. Guess he thought I was faking, but I went to the ER yesterday after feeling really off. I was shaking and unable to calm down. Wasn't able to eat or sleep that much. I was not able to control myself emotionally anymore once the memories came up. Probably lost 20-30 lbs in 2 weeks. I dropped 2-4 inches on my waist alone. Waited almost 15 hours to learn what I already knew. I need a psychiatrist with a close medication regime with my family doctor. Guess in Canada you get some kind of alert when your patient goes to the hospital. Also the ER doctor was pretty upset I was there cause I didn't need to be I was not a danger to myself just needed to be heard. He said he'd call my family doctor and explain things. They moved it today instead of another week away. I was dozing off standing up in a couple of times at the hospital from stress and lack of sleep since the manic episode. It's dark, but I listened to music when I was in that final room waiting for hours. I was feeling really overwhelmed that is going to be real. Maybe the first time I fully admitted my problems. I wanted to walk away so badly. Just go back to the voices and ignore it again. The first song that came on was lithium by nirvana. Always one of my favorite songs for some reason, sat down and finally really listened to it while I was in there and the lyrics. I related to that song so much and I never wanted to believe it.
My best educated guess is Schizoaffective disorder as it checks the most boxes or could be full blown Schizophrenia or Bipolar disorder mixed with something else. but who knows could be a slew of things.
