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TLDR: Cute coworker really likes me but I don't like her personality, I couldn't bear it and confessed to liking her in front of some other coworkers just to make her feel good (well there is this thing called "reciprocal liking", which makes me attracted to her BECAUSE she likes me). Now I have no idea what to do next, give us a chance by asking her out and risk breaking her heart, or keep ignoring her, which is ALSO making her upset. We are not in the same room but still, it's not a good thing to have awkwardness between people who work together, is it?
Long version:
There is this cute coworker who really likes me. It started a few months ago when I gave a presentation which I guess impressed her. Since then she kept looking at me and laughing at my jokes etc. (we all know if a woman has no interest in a guy she would never look at him for more than one second) but she's a VERY shy and passive girl. After months of working together, she has NEVER initiated an interaction with me. The few times we talked were all started by me, and none of them was longer than a few seconds. I am also a big introvert so it makes me feel "tired" when I have to initiate everything, and this is also why I don't like her as a person.
Things got complicated after that fateful day. In my country on the 8th of March, which is the International Women's Day, men give presents to the women they consider "important" to them, like mother/sisters/friends/coworkers etc. For some reason, instead of getting to know her gradually and see if we match, I decided to give her a present all of a sudden. She was clearly startled and said "thank you!" in a surprised voice. I didn't hear from her that night, but a few days after she started showing her affection again, but still in indirect ways like before. It truly is amazing how passive she is (no I'm not dreaming, she definitely does like me, it's the same way many other girls have showed their interest to me before, this one just never got the courage to speak up). However, as I don't really like her personality, I didn't push forward with it. It got to a point where she was staring at me with angry eyes like "why are you not doing anything?!".
Then comes the biggest turn of events so far. There was an event where we both attended, and after that I, her and some other coworkers went to have lunch. After some chit chat I asked her if she had a boyfriend and foolishly "confessed" that I "really like". The timing is so sudden that everyone were shocked. She first said "Uhm I don't really like dating co-workers" but after the other people said stuff, she smiled happily and said "yeah, I don't have a boyfriend", then went downstairs. I went after her, but when she was about to say something to me, I blurted something REALLY stupid: "coworkers are fine, as long as we aren't in the same room!" which made her immediately stopped what she was saying and took out her phone to write something. Later on I went home and saw a message from her saying she had "someone who likes her" and told me to "don't waste time on her". Instead of giving up I kept lying by saying "at least I stayed true to my heart, let's go back to being coworkers from tomorrow" to which she happily agreed.
It seemed like she was mad at first but my message turned things around. The next day she was merry around me again. But still no words. At that point I wasn't even mad, just amazed that such a passive girl exists. I got a bit butthurt by her message though, and decided that "she rejected me, now I have all the rights to not talk to her. The ball is in her court now!". That sounded like a "all according to plan" moment, but now I realized it was just childish and mean.
Days went by, and I guess after hearing good things about me from other people, she started showing affection a bit more "clearly" (but still in indirect ways that don't involve talking to me, haha). I got tired of her weird ass and also got too many work to do, so I just ignored her completely.
Then the story took a very unexpected turn. Her department suddenly got A LOT more employees, like four guys and five girls or something. I thought the four new guys would make her forget about me, but nope! It even seemed like she liked me even more! though I kept randomly hearing about one of the guys (let's call him N) and her having "something". Like once when her teammates kept calling her name when N was picking someone to join him in a project. She seemed annoyed but still smiled when he picked her. I think it was just her being weak and happy about getting some attention.
Fast forward to today. There was a farewell party for some coworkers and she kept looking at me from time to time, even laughed out loud when I did some dumb shit. But I also heard her teammates talking about N and her. She walked away immediately when they started that though. I mean she could've said SOMETHING, but well... the passiveness is real with this one.
I completely ignored her, and I'm not sure if this was fate or not, but when I was talking out my motorbike from the parking lot, I had a feeling I would see her and BAM! I just coldly drove past her though. I guess that was my heart's answer to all this emotional mess.
What I'm planning to do next:
- TALK TO OTHER GIRLS! I noticed some cute and interesting ones at today's party.
- But we're still coworkers, so I still need to do SOMETHING. It's still partly my fault for why things got to this weird point, though her passiveness doesn't make things any better. All in all it's a terrible thing to have awkwardness between coworkers, isn't it?
So I guess I gotta have a talk with her. Who knows what happens when we actually open up to each other? Maybe she's actually better than it seems?
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Did you consider that she finds you physically attractive but doesn't want a relationship? Or that you remind her of someone she was fond of like a male relative or friend and that's why she looks at you?
Have you gotten a second perspective on this, i.e. asked a coworker you're somewhat close with for their perspective especially on whether or not they think she likes you? You seem hell-bent that this girl is madly in love with you, but she basically said no and girls' indirect communications are pretty unclear at the best of times and they also aren't all the same or give the same signs. Maybe she's simply passive because she isn't interested.
On a side note getting asked if you'd be free to date is a compliment, so people occasionally smile if they are shy.
A lot of the "emotional mess" seems to come from the assumption that she's interested when she has communicated that she isn't while you tell yourself that you aren't. If neither of you is interested why do you stress about this and why would you push?
And awkwardness tends to go away in cases like this. So doing something might just worsen things to the point where it gets really awkward and you get fired. And if she "isn't working in the same room" why would slight awkwardness be a problem? Sounds to me like you're looking for a reason to push more after you got told off.
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All her behaviour seems entirely consistent with her just simply not being interested in you, and based on your previous blogs here I wouldn't rush to assume you have so totally expertly penetrated her "passiveness" to divine her true feelings for you.
You're also writing and thinking a whole lot about a girl you're supposedly not very interested in who also expressed she wasn't interested in you. It's not like she's doing tons of stuff to make things awkward. And if you go to say "yes she is", remember that your list of what she's been doing is "being around you", "laughing one time when I did something dumb", etc.
You're getting distorted thinking. Be more honest with yourself.
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Garnet are you the protagonist in an anime?
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I knew people would say I'm being delusional, but you gotta be in my shoes to know what's happening. I guess you guys have never met a super shy Asian girl.
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"emotional mess?" I agree with the above. You're acting like you don't like her, yet you seem to be highly affected by her. Maybe it's YOU that just wants attention, and when she suddenly stops giving it to you, you do something to get it back again.
And there is no "awkwardness." Awkwardness only exists when one person thinks "this is awkward." I doubt she is being awkward; she is just being herself. You're the one that's making things awkward. You don't need to have any "talk" about it. There is nothing you need to do "next". Don't ignore her, don't ask her out. Just be normal.
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On April 30 2021 23:58 Garnet wrote:
I knew people would say I'm being delusional, but you gotta be in my shoes to know what's happening. I guess you guys have never met a super shy Asian girl.
How do you know we aren't a bunch of shy Asian girls here?
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my opnion is that you should ask her out immediately; this weekend, ask her if she is free and would like to go out with you; pick a kind of place that you know she likes to hang out at regardless; assuming you have that intel; if she says yes, she is interested in you; if she says i' m not sure, ask her again the day after; if she says no but then later starts chatting you up, ask her again. if she says no and leaves it at that, she is evidently not interested in this moment. yes you might get rejected, that' s how the mating game works my friend; you can' t lose if you don' t play, you can' t win either; that' s called a statis;
other less morally acceptable options would be to friendzone one of her collegues in that department; that way you would have access to more information about her, and would know how to better seduce her; another option is to actually date a collegue that works in her department; that should really blow smoke up the bees nest; so then you would know better what she wants or what she does not want. i' m sorry but i daresay right now you know nothing about her; you have only ever interacted with her at work. you' ve never seen her house, what she is like in her private life, what her passions are, what her ambitions are in life. too much thinking/projecting is not good my friend;
bottom line have an intention, but let go of any expecation, and be honest with yourself above all: if you where not interested in her you would not have written a blog about her; i am sure you can come up with another woman who has shown even the slightest interest in you, and simply you where not interested back; so from my point of view, you need to clarify eventually what you would like from her: a story? what kind... or is this just about dating?
Last but not least, be careful with entering a relationship with co-workers; i' ve seen people have the situation elude their control, and lost their job, or resigned;
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On May 01 2021 05:50 Starlightsun wrote:Show nested quote +On April 30 2021 23:58 Garnet wrote:
I knew people would say I'm being delusional, but you gotta be in my shoes to know what's happening. I guess you guys have never met a super shy Asian girl. How do you know we aren't a bunch of shy Asian girls here?
I was trying to stay quiet about this, but I am in fact a bunch of shy Asian girls
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On April 30 2021 23:58 Garnet wrote:
I knew people would say I'm being delusional, but you gotta be in my shoes to know what's happening. I guess you guys have never met a super shy Asian girl.
Married to a Japanese woman who's awful about showing her feelings, try again for a new excuse.
Also, I guess everyone you meet is just the exact same type of "shy Asian girl" huh:
Garnet wrote:
She's been eye-fucking me for a while who works in the same building. I've been ignoring her this whole time, only noticed her existence when I saw her staring at me. She's really cute so I'm wondering if I should bother talking to her when I'm about to leave in a week?
Garnet wrote:
Got a new job. There's this cute coworker who's into me. Everyone else in the company also supports us, since we're the only non-ugly singles (there are two other single girls, everyone else is married). But I don't have very strong feelings for her
Garnet wrote:
She told me to call her (so she could get my number), and even called me right at that moment just to be sure.
I went home, feeling ecstatic, but deep down inside I wasn't really that happy.
Reason: my experience with girls here have all been like this: Notices some cute girl likes me --> tries to get to know her --> loses interest. Partly because I was influenced too much from watching American TV shows and just can't stand passive, shy Asian girls, partly because I've met 2 amazing girls so my standard is maybe a bit high.
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Still no reply. We're meeting again in 3 days, and I don't even know if I should talk to her. I probably will, since I'm preparing a lucky money thing for her (what ppl give to children on Lunar New Year), and plan to put the money inside an origami heart. At this rate I think I will change it to a star.
This whole overthinking a girl's thoughts about you while telling yourself and everyone else you're not into them anyway to protect your pride/emotions is absolutely a pattern for you. Think deeply about that.
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After months of working together, she has NEVER initiated an interaction with me. The few times we talked were all started by me, and none of them was longer than a few seconds.
She was clearly startled and said "thank you!" in a surprised voice. I didn't hear from her that night,
she was staring at me with angry eyes
She first said "Uhm I don't really like dating co-workers"
I went home and saw a message from her saying she had "someone who likes her" and told me to "don't waste time on her".
I kept randomly hearing about one of the guys (let's call him N) and her having "something".
So let's see, she never initiates interaction with you, is surprised when you interact with her, doesn't respond when you do interact with her, looks at you angrily (lol?), gives you a subtle hint to drop it by telling you she doesn't date co-workers, when you keep it up she explicitly tells you not to waste your time on her, and she apparently goes on to get involved with another person.
How in the world could you interpret this as her liking you.
TALK TO OTHER GIRLS!
Yes this is your only good idea in this post.
I still need to do SOMETHING
No you don't, leave the poor girl alone.
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You know what the most disappointing part of reading this blog is?
It's possible we don't see a follow up post to this for months, maybe even years.
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EPT
