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Been about 10 days since my last blog and again I feel the need to write. While the two previous blogs have been fairly up-beat this one will be a lot darker, I think. That's why I will attach disclaimers at points, as I feel I need to clarify that I'm not hurting myself physically and I'm not thinking about it either. After my last blog I really did feel good about things. I didn't write it because I felt I needed to keep appearance up. I handled the situation in a way I think was healthy. But that didn't last very long, unfortunately.
I've struggled in the last week. Really badly. Badly to the point where everything seems gray. Badly to the point where I've had problems getting out of bed. Badly to the point of me literally feeling like I'm going insane at times. Badly to the point where colleagues have asked me if I'm alright. For example: I'm working on team previews for TI9 and wrote this one section that I identified as dark but at the same time very poetic, one of my colleagues read it and said "are you in a dark place, right now?", not knowing how right he was. When its that easy to see, you know something's very wrong.
One thing that people who haven't lived through depression doesn't understand is how it lies to you. It's not like with schizophrenia where you actually hear voices but instead untrue thoughts pop into your head. Which was basically what I described in the last post. Not only that, they can cancel out any good emotions. On a bad day I can't even appreciate beauty. While I'm not an outdoorsy person, feeling the sun on my skin is usually something I enjoy. I usually love seeing the trees during the summer, it usually amazes me how green they are. This past week has been a week I would've enjoyed. But I haven't. I had to run an errand on Friday. I walked out the door and as the sun hit my skin I felt nothing. I walked to the bus stop, past these trees that hang over some water and while I usually always give them a long look as I walk past I just glanced at them this time. They evoked no emotion in me. This week has been all bad days.
And this messes with your head. Small situations are blown way out of proportion and every little thing just makes your mind spiral out of control. Everything is the worst case scenario. Several times this week I've just laid in bed at 4AM (just woken up because depression can effect your sleep pattern), unable to keep my mind from racing away, just imagining the dumbest stuff. And then you snap out of it for a minute and now you're ashamed of what you just thought. Or even worse, and this happened to me this week, you might even act on these idiotic thoughts before you snap out of it. And that's when you can really fuck things up. Which in turns leads to you feeling even worse. I won't say what I did, that's a bit too personal even in this honest of a post, but I didn't physically hurt myself or anyone else.
I have never handled my depression with cutting but I know it's common. And on some level I can understand people who cut. Not only do you get to experience an emotion but that emotion is all you have to focus on in that moment. It's like how people will slap someone to try to "snap them out of it" by a sudden shock to the system. I don't want people to worry, so I'm going to add this disclaimer: I'm not a cutter. I never have been and never will be.
The worst part is that I don't know what triggered this episode. I don't know if anything did. I've felt great leading up to this week. But here I am again, working on a Sunday night because that takes my attention off everything else. I feel good while I'm focused on something because then I don't have to think. And right now that's a blessing. Still, it will not stop me from having the same feelings tomorrow morning.
While this was very dark at places, I still want to end on a somewhat positive note: I've been here before and I know what I need to do in order to combat this. That journey begins tomorrow as I have an appointment with a therapist. I need that outside voice.
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United States4883 Posts
A few years ago, I was going through a pretty severe prolonged depression. It is brutal. At the time, I would climb up this one wall at the university that had a 60 ft drop on the other side of it and nothing to grab onto and look down. I contemplated that line between standing in control at the top of the wall and giving up control to gravity a lot...usually at like 4am or some stupid hour. Did that a few times.
It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on dealing with the condition and know the warning signs, but I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. Just keep plowing through that shit. I understand it's a daily fight, and sometimes it's difficult to keep up that fight. Let others prop you up or at least keep you distracted for a bit.
As a side note, I'm kind of jealous that you can write dark, poetic things when you're in that state. My depression manifests itself in the hardest writer's block on planet earth. Was a really difficult condition when my livelihood depended on writing LOL.
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forgive me if this has been asked before, but sometimes lending yourself to bed and your mind races, do you find that you have good ideas and feel the urge to write them down before they`re forgotten?
i think it's a good idea in general, in the same vein as taking photos of your life, even if only for yourself.
if your mind can convert positive thoughts into negative ones, it can also take the negative ones you begin with into resolving the very same thoughts into more positive connotation.
perhaps you think about someone in awful ways--precisely when you realize they haven't really done anything wrong, or that it might have been a misunderstanding. that's an opportunity to focus inward lead it into better territory, and i think that is worth practicing.
you can't stop the negativity, and you don't have to be specific about it but you can start believing that the problems exist both ways, leading to the depth of where you can help both you and the other people involved.
i will say that usually this involves being more open and thoughtful with what you decide to say.
over time, the things i wrote about my situation were addressed to other people in my own voice. they were never meant for them, but they were important to me and it felt natural to write them.
if you know that it speaks untrue things, then it doesn't really hurt anybody but you. this is why writing them down can be a reminder to read and address the ideas you've put down even if they were done out of your best element.
it's like playing several games in a day and picking your worst replays to really face what you've done and see what you could have improved. with the same thought in mind, it's really a crying shame people don't take advantage of replays, and well writing is very much similar to that. i will read what i was saying and ask myself if that was really what felt and what i was trying to say. i don't feel about it, in a resolute manner i recognize that as a part of me that i will notice and grow.
and i don't mean writing as you are now, but for yourself and sometimes to yourself.
sometimes i stumble into posts of my own here and wonder who that person is. but they're versions of yourself at various levels of genuine focus. i lack appreciation for things as you do sometimes, but what i do is think of my situation and really realize (if nothing else comes to mind) that i'm lucky and happy to just be alive.
i am able to say that with full confidence.despite being the kind of person who did self harm and went to very dark places.
it's not really incredibly important what caused it to begin if you know in your heart of hearts that it's not who you want to be.
so if there's one thing i can say, try to reach out to one bright spot that is beyond doubt (and by your very own definition) something you are truly lucky to have . you will start reaching to many different things before time and realize again that you're absolutely fine.
you are your own prism to your bright light.
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Best wishes, you can get rid of that shit Julmust. Seeing a doctor is 100% the right move, depression is treatable.
On July 01 2019 22:45 nanaoei wrote:
forgive me if this has been asked before, but sometimes lending yourself to bed and your mind races, do you find that you have good ideas and feel the urge to write them down before they`re forgotten?
i think it's a good idea in general, in the same vein as taking photos of your life, even if only for yourself.
if your mind can convert positive thoughts into negative ones, it can also take the negative ones you begin with into resolving the very same thoughts into more positive connotation.
perhaps you think about someone in awful ways--precisely when you realize they haven't really done anything wrong, or that it might have been a misunderstanding. that's an opportunity to focus inward lead it into better territory, and i think that is worth practicing.
you can't stop the negativity, and you don't have to be specific about it but you can start believing that the problems exist both ways, leading to the depth of where you can help both you and the other people involved.
i will say that usually this involves being more open and thoughtful with what you decide to say.
over time, the things i wrote about my situation were addressed to other people in my own voice. they were never meant for them, but they were important to me and it felt natural to write them.
if you know that it speaks untrue things, then it doesn't really hurt anybody but you. this is why writing them down can be a reminder to read and address the ideas you've put down even if they were done out of your best element.
it's like playing several games in a day and picking your worst replays to really face what you've done and see what you could have improved. with the same thought in mind, it's really a crying shame people don't take advantage of replays, and well writing is very much similar to that. i will read what i was saying and ask myself if that was really what felt and what i was trying to say. i don't feel about it, in a resolute manner i recognize that as a part of me that i will notice and grow.
and i don't mean writing as you are now, but for yourself and sometimes to yourself.
sometimes i stumble into posts of my own here and wonder who that person is. but they're versions of yourself at various levels of genuine focus. i lack appreciation for things as you do sometimes, but what i do is think of my situation and really realize (if nothing else comes to mind) that i'm lucky and happy to just be alive.
i am able to say that with full confidence.despite being the kind of person who did self harm and went to very dark places.
it's not really incredibly important what caused it to begin if you know in your heart of hearts that it's not who you want to be.
so if there's one thing i can say, try to reach out to one bright spot that is beyond doubt (and by your very own definition) something you are truly lucky to have . you will start reaching to many different things before time and realize again that you're absolutely fine.
you are your own prism to your bright light.
I get what you are trying to say, but from what Julmust describes he is ill and needs to see a doc. A heavy depression is past the point where you are your own prism, it's the point where every light you see is always black because you loose the ability to reflect anything else.
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EPT
