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United States4883 Posts
Depression -
I wake up in small bits, my mind starting up but my body, yawning, plummets again into unconsciousness like the hull of a ship breaking in and out of the crests of a wave. Slowly, my eyes open to stare out at the dark ceiling. Still dark. I lean over my aching shoulder to look at my alarm clock, which reads 2:07 in red diode letters, and roll back over to lay on my back. When did I go to sleep? I guess it was...it must have been in the afternoon sometime when the sun was still up; (though who knows, I hadn’t seen the sun at all yesterday). Foggy, I grasp around for the right words and memory, but nothing but a blur of the last few weeks comes up and I can’t remember the date. I retrace the lines in my mind, looking for their source, but lose them, abandon them in a tangled mess of web. Go back, trace again, reset -- reset, reset. Whatever. I drag the covers off of myself and pull my body upright to a sitting position. A dull headache slumps my posture, and I hold my head in my hands for a few moments, taking deep breaths, before finally finding the courage to stand.
The desktop computer downstairs is my go-to destination, but I figure I should try to at least take a shower since I hadn’t done so the day before. I strip out of my pajamas, step into the shower, and routinely wash myself. Muscle memory takes over and I don’t have to think for several moments as hot water washes over my head and puts me in state of momentary stasis. For several minutes, there is nothing for me to think about, just running water and warmth. Then I realize I have to pay for the hot water, that I can’t afford to pay my bills anyway, that I don’t have a paying job, and that there was no real reason for me to take a shower in the first place. The moment is gone. I step out onto the cold tile, wrap myself in a towel against the cold, and change back into the same pajamas once again, already anticipating the following day. It’s so dark outside.
I head downstairs to my computer to begin the day’s “work”. Every morning I try to make a list, however insignificant, of things to keep myself occupied and prevent me from losing momentum entirely. Inertia states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion. I begin to write:
[1]Write Gold League Recap
[2]Work on HotS Thoughts video
[3]
What was it that I meant to do today? Wasn’t there something important? I scour my brain looking for an answer, but a haze descends and the throbbing headache returns, so I let it go and attempt to strike down a few more lines….
[1]Write Gold League Recap
[2]Work on HotS Thoughts video
[3]Work on Kharazim Guide
[4]Exercise
Not a great list, but a list nonetheless. Part of me wants to add details, but I just don’t have the strength to, so, sighing, I let it go and move onto my work. Murky ideas swim around under the surface of my brain, and I don’t feel ready for the day yet. I massage my temples and attempt to clear the sleep from my eyes, but the occluded thoughts still elude me and hang just past the tip of my tongue. As I sit up, my weight shifts and internally I am ashamed. The lurching of my stomach from one place to another makes me aware that it exists, that once it didn’t, and that any and all progress I have made is no progress at all. Why even make lists anymore?
I fight this feeling for several minutes slumped in my poorly made chair before finally lifting my head and staring for a few minutes at the pale glow of the computer screen. Okay. Deep breath. 2:53am. I open up a blank document to begin my article.
After the Group Stage games from last week, the Gold Series Heroes League has taken off into the playoffs with several teams eliminated from the --
No, that’s not right. Something is wrong with the phrasing. “After the Group Stage games….have been played(?) last week….” No, that doesn’t sound right either. Wait, “off”.
After the Group Stage games from last week, several teams have been eliminated as the tournament goes to the playoffs as the Gold Series Heroes League takes off --”
What...no, that’s even worse. Again, the clouds roll in. I read the line over and over several times, trying to figure out what I want to say, unable to create words. There’s a word I’m thinking of, but I just can’t find it. Again, I support my head on my arm and gaze into the fiberboard texture on my desk, trying desperately to sort the broken fragments of thoughts into lines of text. A few minutes pass. Maybe the problem is the first sentence. Use an active voice.
The Gold Series Heroes League is headed into the playoffs after the Group Stage games from last week concluded, where four teams were eliminated out of the original twelve that qualified.
It looks better than the last two, but something is still wrong. I continue to pore over it until I finally I give up. It will have to do for now. Next sentence, time to talk about the actual teams competing.
Among these teams were well-known esports clubs including eStar, EDG, Brave Heart, and even North America’s Cloud9, who were invited after their victory at BlizzCon, but none of the Koreans were there.
Something about that sentence seems too generic, too straightforward, and it feels flat, like my face and my mood and this cold, dark day. It’s flat like glass of Coke sitting out all night. Flat, gross. I type out four or five different variations of the same words, and every time the words look and sound just as awkward and unwanted. What is it that I want to say? For several minutes, I look over the sentence, try to move the idea about Koreans to the top, try squeezing them into the line about BlizzCon, try taking it out altogether. No solution. There is no solution. The sentence must be wrong. I delete the sentence and start again fresh, but the newer sentence feels worse. I go back to the old one and begin to move it around again. How do I make this sentence work? For several more minutes I attempt to fix it, but the fogginess in the front of my head prevents me from forming new phrases or using non-generic words, and I am hopeless. Finally, I surrender, let the sentence fall as it fell, and exit the document feeling tired and defeated. 4:22am. Over an hour for two bad sentences. Still dark.
I’m already tired enough to sleep again, but convince myself to --
There are periods of clarity. There are days when words flow “out like endless rain into a paper cup”. Sometimes I can make clear decisions on what to do, and when I’m procrastinating or intentionally doing nothing, I can rally myself to do something productive and move on with the rest of the day. On other days, not so much. I have a bill I have to pay on a certain date every month, and even though doing it online takes about 3 minutes, there are some days where I cannot find the mental fortitude to log in and pay it, even though I know there will be late fees and penalties. I literally cannot.
I first started making lists about two months ago. It’s more or less a coping mechanism than something that actually works. Before, I would just play video games to occupy myself until I got bored or sleepy, but pretty soon I was always bored and never sleepy; days became staring at walls and dead ends, and my sleeping schedule became incredibly problematic. It gives me a chance focus on a select few items and sort them out one at a time rather than trying to juggle them in my head, but during these periods they rarely, if ever, actually all get done in one day.
This is frustrating because I know I have a lot of potential. On clearer days, I’m an organized machine that gets shit done. I have a lot of ideas, a lot of talent, and I can learn just about anything in a relatively short period of time. When I’m limited to barely being able to function because my brain feels hazy and unsure, it is a huge waste of time and opportunity, and that is frustrating.
 
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First of all, sorry you're dealing with this shitty period in your life. That being said, what caused this situation where you have almost nothing constructive to do with your day? What's your living situation like, why don't you have a job " that pays "?
I've been there, it sucks ass. It also gets a lot better if you put your mind to it.
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[...] your emotions here.
I want to bring your attention to the fact that in your very long and constructed statement, you talked about your emotions, or therefore lack of, once or twice. We are both human beings with emotions, and organized productive machines. Both things are equally important and should be equally regarded. to me it seems like there is some deep emotional level that you need to process and bring fully into your life in order to lead a satisfying life.
Instead of fighting that feeling of guilt in your stomach, embrace it and dive fully into it. Research it. Make statements like you would about hots. This is a good place to start. It could or would be painful, funny, weird, apperently to much to cope with, to go trought this and it won' t happen overnight (or overday). But if you want to get to the bottom of it, thats the way of things. In the end it will be worth it.
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Walking around in your PJ's all the time and only moving between bed and PC during a day probably doesn't help.
I have had some bad moments as well but there were two things that always helped: sunlight and other people (whether I know them or not). Sunlight because it simply works as an anti depressant for most people (I think that's even scientifically proven), and other people because it serves as a distraction or sometimes a positive influence.
But then again it might be you are far beyond that point and in that case you need to get professional help, not write a blog.
I mean I feel a lot of people on TL have issues with depression, or rather a major fucking slump but just treat it completely wrong. I think that easily 99% of the people on this website that suffer from these symptoms have absolutely nothing wrong in their brains and are simply in a shitty cycle.
And this might sound super privileged, and who knows, maybe I am, but: Stop accepting a shitty existence. Fight for something better man, you no doubt deserve it.
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I've been in the hump for almost 10 years. Addicted to drugs and moving from job to job because I cannot for the life of me stay clean and stop using drugs. I started on the methadone program about 6 months and that didn't help.
About 4 months ago I got a pet cat and in the last few months something in my brain clicked. I didn't wanna let her down, I didnt want to keep letting my parents down too. They are getting older and deserve peace and tranquility. Not only do they deserve peace but so do I. I owe it to my damn self to start being proactive and a contributing member of society.
I've gotten rid of the people in my life who drag me down. A very young attractive girl I had to let go. I had to realize she was just using me so she could have a place to do her prostitution and take my money on my pay days. It was hard for me because how innocent she seemed. But I owed it to myself to not associate myself with her.
The last few months have been great. I haven't used drugs in over a month. My relationship with my family is so much better and I finally have money in the bank even though I don't have the best paying job.
I owe most of this too my new companion, my cat. She helped me see who I really am and what I really deserve.
Sometimes small things like this just make you realize the better side of you.
Good luck.
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If it helps: when you gave me your skype addy, I felt like meeting a celebrity. You're a great person. Keep it up.
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United States4883 Posts
On December 11 2015 19:34 Dodgin wrote:
First of all, sorry you're dealing with this shitty period in your life. That being said, what caused this situation where you have almost nothing constructive to do with your day? What's your living situation like, why don't you have a job " that pays "?
I've been there, it sucks ass. It also gets a lot better if you put your mind to it.
First off, I want to make it clear that this is an embellished story. This particular incident did not happen exactly like this (though that's not to say that these things haven't happened to me before), and this is only a snapshot of what the greater whole looks like. This is not just a shitty period in my life but something I live with (and will continue to live with) constantly.
(Currently I am a freelance esports writer working from home).
On December 11 2015 21:11 pebble444 wrote:
[...] your emotions here.
I want to bring your attention to the fact that in your very long and constructed statement, you talked about your emotions, or therefore lack of, once or twice. We are both human beings with emotions, and organized productive machines. Both things are equally important and should be equally regarded. to me it seems like there is some deep emotional level that you need to process and bring fully into your life in order to lead a satisfying life.
Instead of fighting that feeling of guilt in your stomach, embrace it and dive fully into it. Research it. Make statements like you would about hots. This is a good place to start. It could or would be painful, funny, weird, apperently to much to cope with, to go trought this and it won' t happen overnight (or overday). But if you want to get to the bottom of it, thats the way of things. In the end it will be worth it.
That's exactly why I wrote this blog. This is a sober reflection of the reality in front of me. I've had to live with this sort of thing off and on for about three years now, and this is the first time I've been able to accurately reflect the way I feel and the frustration I face when (as a writer) I try to write down words and can't make heads or tails of a basic sentence. Depression is something that drags perfectly able people down and keeps them from reaching their potential, like lead weights around their ankles and shoulders.
The worst part about depression is that, for many people, it is not just a "passing thing". People who have had depression are very likely to have it again, and it doesn't really have anything to do with their situation or mindset. It's something out of their control that disrupts their lives and keeps them from functioning like a normal human being.
On December 12 2015 01:24 B.I.G. wrote:
Walking around in your PJ's all the time and only moving between bed and PC during a day probably doesn't help.
I have had some bad moments as well but there were two things that always helped: sunlight and other people (whether I know them or not). Sunlight because it simply works as an anti depressant for most people (I think that's even scientifically proven), and other people because it serves as a distraction or sometimes a positive influence.
But then again it might be you are far beyond that point and in that case you need to get professional help, not write a blog.
I mean I feel a lot of people on TL have issues with depression, or rather a major fucking slump but just treat it completely wrong. I think that easily 99% of the people on this website that suffer from these symptoms have absolutely nothing wrong in their brains and are simply in a shitty cycle.
And this might sound super privileged, and who knows, maybe I am, but: Stop accepting a shitty existence. Fight for something better man, you no doubt deserve it.
You sound privileged.
Like I've said above, depression is often cyclical for a lot of people, including myself, and it's not always dependent on the situation. At my lowest last year, I was a full-time student working 30 hours a week and doing parkour (outside physical exercise) 1-3 hours a day. I was in the best shape of my life. Sunlight and people help to some degree, as do making goals as I tried to show in this blog, but sometimes there's nothing you can do but plod on. I am very driven to do the best that I possibly can in this world and I fight every day for a better me, but some days, weeks, months, are harder than others. I am not on any medication, nor do I want to be because I acknowledge my existence as beautiful, even though it can feel shitty sometimes.
As for having an animal, I have plenty of cats to keep me company ^^. They're nice therapy every once and a while, but they can't always block out the problems I'm facing. Thanks everyone for all your concerns, but the biggest thing I wanted to leave with this blog was a snapshot of what it feels like to go through all of this. This isn't how I am all the time, but sometimes it does feel like this, and it sucks. But there are bright moments too, you don't need to worry about me ^^.
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On December 12 2015 01:24 B.I.G. wrote:
Walking around in your PJ's all the time and only moving between bed and PC during a day probably doesn't help.
I have had some bad moments as well but there were two things that always helped: sunlight and other people (whether I know them or not). Sunlight because it simply works as an anti depressant for most people (I think that's even scientifically proven), and other people because it serves as a distraction or sometimes a positive influence.
But then again it might be you are far beyond that point and in that case you need to get professional help, not write a blog.
I mean I feel a lot of people on TL have issues with depression, or rather a major fucking slump but just treat it completely wrong. I think that easily 99% of the people on this website that suffer from these symptoms have absolutely nothing wrong in their brains and are simply in a shitty cycle.
And this might sound super privileged, and who knows, maybe I am, but: Stop accepting a shitty existence. Fight for something better man, you no doubt deserve it.
i think a lot of people battling depression suffer from poor self esteem and raising their self esteem would alleviate a great many of the symptoms. solid self esteem is like the immune system of consciousness.
as far as your "other people" comment... "you are judged by the company you keep"
i did a bunch of esports reporting for GameReplays.org on a volunteer basis simply to improve my english. i never expected to make any cash from it.
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28085 Posts
Those beginning 3 paragraphs sound familiar 
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On December 12 2015 07:12 SC2John wrote:
You sound privileged.
Like I've said above, depression is often cyclical for a lot of people, including myself, and it's not always dependent on the situation. At my lowest last year, I was a full-time student working 30 hours a week and doing parkour (outside physical exercise) 1-3 hours a day. I was in the best shape of my life. Sunlight and people help to some degree, as do making goals as I tried to show in this blog, but sometimes there's nothing you can do but plod on. I am very driven to do the best that I possibly can in this world and I fight every day for a better me, but some days, weeks, months, are harder than others. I am not on any medication, nor do I want to be because I acknowledge my existence as beautiful, even though it can feel shitty sometimes.
As for having an animal, I have plenty of cats to keep me company ^^. They're nice therapy every once and a while, but they can't always block out the problems I'm facing. Thanks everyone for all your concerns, but the biggest thing I wanted to leave with this blog was a snapshot of what it feels like to go through all of this. This isn't how I am all the time, but sometimes it does feel like this, and it sucks. But there are bright moments too, you don't need to worry about me ^^.
i don't know what you are looking for by dramatizing and sharing this experience and then protecting your pride by rejecting any concerns by others
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On December 12 2015 11:24 BeStFAN wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2015 07:12 SC2John wrote:
You sound privileged.
Like I've said above, depression is often cyclical for a lot of people, including myself, and it's not always dependent on the situation. At my lowest last year, I was a full-time student working 30 hours a week and doing parkour (outside physical exercise) 1-3 hours a day. I was in the best shape of my life. Sunlight and people help to some degree, as do making goals as I tried to show in this blog, but sometimes there's nothing you can do but plod on. I am very driven to do the best that I possibly can in this world and I fight every day for a better me, but some days, weeks, months, are harder than others. I am not on any medication, nor do I want to be because I acknowledge my existence as beautiful, even though it can feel shitty sometimes.
As for having an animal, I have plenty of cats to keep me company ^^. They're nice therapy every once and a while, but they can't always block out the problems I'm facing. Thanks everyone for all your concerns, but the biggest thing I wanted to leave with this blog was a snapshot of what it feels like to go through all of this. This isn't how I am all the time, but sometimes it does feel like this, and it sucks. But there are bright moments too, you don't need to worry about me ^^. i don't know what you are looking for by dramatizing and sharing this experience and then protecting your pride by rejecting any concerns by others
its a symptom of low self esteem.
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United States4883 Posts
On December 12 2015 11:36 JimmyJRaynor wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2015 11:24 BeStFAN wrote:On December 12 2015 07:12 SC2John wrote:
You sound privileged.
Like I've said above, depression is often cyclical for a lot of people, including myself, and it's not always dependent on the situation. At my lowest last year, I was a full-time student working 30 hours a week and doing parkour (outside physical exercise) 1-3 hours a day. I was in the best shape of my life. Sunlight and people help to some degree, as do making goals as I tried to show in this blog, but sometimes there's nothing you can do but plod on. I am very driven to do the best that I possibly can in this world and I fight every day for a better me, but some days, weeks, months, are harder than others. I am not on any medication, nor do I want to be because I acknowledge my existence as beautiful, even though it can feel shitty sometimes.
As for having an animal, I have plenty of cats to keep me company ^^. They're nice therapy every once and a while, but they can't always block out the problems I'm facing. Thanks everyone for all your concerns, but the biggest thing I wanted to leave with this blog was a snapshot of what it feels like to go through all of this. This isn't how I am all the time, but sometimes it does feel like this, and it sucks. But there are bright moments too, you don't need to worry about me ^^. i don't know what you are looking for by dramatizing and sharing this experience and then protecting your pride by rejecting any concerns by others its a symptom of low self esteem.
O.o This isn't a life update, it's a piece of writing. I just want others to understand what this is like.
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Well, i hope you feel better in the future. I really do.
Breaking the cycle, changing patterns; I appreciate your answer to me. Though my suggestion is still that. Don' t analize your problem. You have got a pretty good understanding of your situation, from an analitical point of view. You see long term, practical problems, and breaking down the different aspects. What you don' t understand is why, how come, why am i feeling like this. Your solution does lie on the analitical side. But understanding does not. Once you are able to understand why, emotionally, then you will be able to formulate a much more effective plan to put into action. This is why my suggestion is to bring out your emotions fully; let go; find a way to go into them, not numb them. And since you are a writer, use the writing to help assist and organize your feelings. But the feeling parts you have to live. Experience. There is no other way around it, considering that you want to get to the bottom of the issue, and not just numb it.
Simply put, you are living an awful amount of time in your brain. Try to live some of that time in your hearth. Let it open, and do so in an enviroment and place and time, that, is safe and confortable. connecting to other people that have depression can be very useful. Just remember that the person who will always understand the most about yourself is yourself.
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On December 12 2015 16:02 SC2John wrote:
O.o This isn't a life update, it's a piece of writing. I just want others to understand what this is like.
On December 11 2015 13:25 SC2John wrote:
This is frustrating because I know I have a lot of potential. On clearer days, I’m an organized machine that gets shit done. I have a lot of ideas, a lot of talent, and I can learn just about anything in a relatively short period of time.
if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and eats like a duck..its a duck
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I am all too familiar with how you're feeling. It gets better, and embrace the highs and learn from the lows.
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On December 12 2015 01:24 B.I.G. wrote:
I think that easily 99% of the people on this website that suffer from these symptoms have absolutely nothing wrong in their brains and are simply in a shitty cycle.
This is such bullshit. Gaming communities tend to attract more of those suffering depression/social anxiety in the first place. So there's nothing wrong with more than 99% of these peoples' brains (statistically ridiculous, even outside TL's demographic) and they've simply got to break the cycle? Having a few bad moments cured by sunlight and socializing doesn't qualify you to diminish the struggles of those on this forum who suffer from real mental illness.
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Buddy, relax. I'm not trying to diminish anything. I think there are many people who have a real mental illness on this forum. I also think there are many people on this forum who are depressed because they have or have had a really difficult life. Both of those reasons are obviously completely legit reasons.
I also think that there are AND I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS THE CASE WITH YOU OR OP people who self diagnose themselves as depressed (or OCD or ADD as I hear a lot too) and then continue to wallow in self pity and apathy.
So forgive me for when I read a blog where someone writes that they don't have a job, only play video games, and haven't seen sunlight for days my first reaction isn't: "oh you are depressed guess you are fucked gl with life" but rather something that I feel is more realistic advise. BTW OP later clarified that he put a lot of effort in exercise and outdoor activity etc. so that obviously nullifies my point. Sorry OP I assumed to much when I read your blog and gave you useless advice. I hope you believe it was meant well.
But Scarecrow's post does bring me to another point It's starting to annoy me that it seems everyone who has any kind of mental issues gets aggressively defensive about it. I understand that for many it has been a difficult point to be taken serious when you say you have mental problems, but in this day and age it seems mental issues can be diagnosed and treated almost as efficiently as physical issues.
So maybe, just maybe we should stop tip toeing around mental issues and make it point that truly can be discussed and sometimes questioned or criticized. Because if someone tells me their leg hurts I ask them if they tried stretching it. If they then tell me its swelling up and turning black I'll say shit man you need a leg doctor! And if someone tells me they are depressed I'll ask them if they can stop doing things that make them depressed. If they then tell me they tried everything and its hard for them to function at all I'll say shit man you need a brain doctor!
Just my point of view it was never my intention to insult anyone.
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I get that you don't mean to offend but my main issue was with the 'easily 99%' of sufferers not being serious cases and you seemed to imply that those 99% could recover with some sunlight and friends. It's sensitive because non-sufferers tend to think it's just a matter of willpower and lifestyle and are confused at why sufferers cant just flip a switch and start recovering. I like the doctor analogy, I agree that some sufferers may be 'wallowing' and your advice is fine, just don't paint the vast majority of depressed posters as misguided self-diagnosers who can't be bothered to go outside and talk to people.
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EPT
