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This is a follow-up to my last blog, about my friend leaving and how she had changed my life. Same disclaimer as last time: this is going to be very personal and I'm not going to pretend like everything has been great ever since.
The time since I posted the blog has, overall, been great. I got drunk one night and got that "liquid courage" going so I decided to tweet out the blog post. Something I wouldn't normally do since I thought it was a bit too personal for Twitter. Turns out that was an outstanding move. A lot of people reached out to me, both in public and in private, both with words of encouragement and to tell me how they saw parts of themselves in my story. To everyone that reached out, even if it was just a like on my tweet, I'd like to say a huge thank you. Just knowing people took the time to read about my personal issues actually means a lot.
My friend also saw the tweet (which I thought wouldn't happen, didn't think she followed me) which turned out good as well. We keep in touch, mostly through snapchat. That, on its own, is a victory for me because I usually suck at keeping in touch. However, something that "simple" hasn't just been smooth sailings.
I still get caught up in self-destructive behavior from time to time and breaking the patterns are hard. Here, again, my friend comes into the picture. A while after she left and, I think, a little while after I posted my last blog on twitter I started feeling incredibly insecure. I felt like I was a huge burden on her. Like my behavior before she left made her feel like she had to keep in touch with me. "She's probably just replying because she feels like she has to". I decided not to snap her that day. Not to try her or anything but just because I had successfully convinced myself that she didn't want me to. I go to bed and wake up to about 10 snaps from her where she's "saving our streak" (the app has this counter that gets incremented by one for every consecutive day you send a snap to a person). I started that day off with a smile. Not because I got an excessive amount of snaps but because that snapped me out of this spiral of negative thoughts.
The worst part of this is looking back at it. I'm ashamed of my own thoughts. In my endless fucked up quest for sadness, I started assuming that this wonderful person was a liar. Someone whom I'd tricked into caring for me. Someone I'd trapped. Just because I felt like I didn't deserve the attention I assumed something that terrible about her. It was a reality check for me. I can't go around assuming peoples feelings about me. Especially not when it's for the worse.
As I read this back to myself I realize this, my insecurity about the people around me, may sound like it only happens with her but it doesn't. I have weekly meetings with my boss and I don't know how many times I've written down "my performance" as a discussion point, only to remove it a few minutes before the meeting. I'm happy with the work I do and I'm told I do a good job but my insecurities get the best of me. The reason I brought up this specific event is that it changed me. I had another day of feeling incredibly insecure today, due to me not being able to sleep last night (fuck this heat), and again I started telling myself shit. "You suck at your job, you should just ask for them to fire you". "What the fuck are you wearing? You know those jeans are too tight for you". "She doesn't really want you to talk to her, why are you even trying?". But you know what? After realizing what I was doing I stopped myself. I thought back to some of my recent achievements at work. I decided that my jeans weren't too tight. And I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I have no reason to think people don't like me. And it worked. I broke the spiral by acknowledging what I was feeling and by reflecting on those feelings. If it turns out I was wrong on any of this. If my jeans were too tight, if my performance has been slipping, or if a friend is too busy to talk to me, then that's fine. And I have no business assuming any of these things.
I don't expect this to be my last bad day but, just like with the self-deprecating humor, I'm learning how to handle those days. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
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11589 Posts
I am, as of late, only able to process the complex emotions that I have when identifying with those emotions expressed by others.
So, for that, thank you.
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I have a few scattered ideas that i hope you'll read and more or less consider.
I'll start by saying that i know someone who uses self-deprecation, almost as an extra case of armour.
As a social situation, it is one of the most difficult i'll ever face.
What you say about beating someone to the punch resonates pretty deeply. If we unfairly disregard everything else about that person, i would simply say that they're defensive in nature, and if i wouldn't be able to experience this socially from them, i'd still be able to tell because i recognize the elements of it in myself also. I think it's safe to say that just about everybody experiences an inner voice of self-doubt that is similar in nature.
That's also to say that nobody has the right to judge how you are. You are more aware of the issue, more than you share and more than others will know simply through words or communication.
If i describe the case of armour or self-defensiveness insensitively or poorly, please correct me because i care to be better about these things--with that kind of follow-up statement, and i remind myself to be continually aware even if i don't receive criticism i ask for--i'm o-kay with what i end up saying or doing. It is inherently me, and it's alright to make obvious mistakes in good conscience.
Even if you insist, I believe it's difficult to get that voice/opinion out of people which is used by somebody to accurately assess the inner voice and the turmoil surrounding it. It makes things much easier, and silences some of the unfounded negativity. It's a bad analogy, but it's almost as if you want to hear a loved one say, "I love you", even if you know that they do.
What you have with the friend you describe is a precious occasion and reminds me of how i'd like to treat my friends with the following qualities:
They're cool or unabrasive. Have thoughts of self-improvement. They're open to the idea that they're putting themselves down or how others receive it.
And most importantly, i know that they're struggling with something.
Your friend is trying to help, and they like being around you. In all honesty, it should be full stop, right there.
Whenever i hear a put-down, i also tell them not to say that about themselves. It's a natural reaction, and it's genuinely caring for their future well-being that brings a response like that about.
they're there for you and i'm there for you and even if we aren't friends, that's truly what friends are for.
Because you're painfully aware of yourself, it also makes it more difficult in ways to progress in a positive manner.
I believe this is where you would benefit from focusing on what's important.
It's the idea that you can actually try over and over again. It applies to any situation, but especially to when you fear that something will go wrong.
We carry morals and ideas from relationship to relationship that somehow shape our thoughts and ideas in other areas.
Being self-deprecating all the time affects you in the same way, i really believe.
Personally, i am sorry that i make mistakes, and for that side of things, it is enough to say that.
If i beat myself up internally, it is done in a nuanced way to motivate a small change so i never make the mistake again, or consider the situation more thoroughly, more seriously for next time. But it's always done with the goal of being who i want to be.
If i somehow have to leave someone or vice versa, i carry forward the positive things from the relationship and leave behind the negative because i know in due that I have done my very best to be the best and genuine version of myself.
It's always a struggle, but i think you'll be happier for trying.
But just remember, you can apologize simply and genuinely, and try again another time. It doesn't absolutely have to be perfect. We as people just have to progress our views and be increasingly open to other ways of doing things--so much that we change the way we are and the things we say, just so slightly.
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I thoroughly enjoy these blogs. Keep doing what you are doing. A lot of people don't have the courage or "liquid courage" to do this but I am sure a lot of people do go through the same types of challenges on different levels.
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I used to do self deprecating humor and one time I made some joke about myself and a friend of my turned and looked at me with a super serious face and said "Don't you EVER talk about my friend like that again you got it?" He saying that was one of the first times I realized what I was doing.
Thanks for sharing these posts that are so personal because I think more people than we realize are struggling with this and need to know they are valuable.
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