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This is going to be a very personal blog from me. Probably more personal than most things I've ever written. But writing is my way of coping so I feel like I have to do it.
I've always had very low self-esteem. Like incredibly low. I think that pretty much everything I do is shit. Even if other people tells me something is great, I won't acknowledge it. All my writing? Shit. All the pictures I've taken? Terrible. The work I'm currently doing for Liquid? Super afraid that it's gonna fail because of my ineptitude. I've always seen that as one of my strengths, actually. By believing that I'm completely unoriginal and bad at everything I do, I've worked my ass off to make it suck as little as possible. There have been periods of my life where I've worked 80+ hours a week just because I was so afraid of failing. In some instances it's a good thing. But in most it's shit, tbh.
My response to this lack of self-esteem has always been to tackle it with self-deprecating humor. Anyone who has met me has probably seen this: I'm the first person to point out my flaws. Whether they're actual flaws or things I come up with doesn't matter. In retrospect it's because of the friendships I had growing up. I won't go into details, as this isn't therapy, but they weren't healthy friendships and very guy-ish. Never any real conversation and feelings was definitely off-topic. I never had the opportunity to tackle issues and it turned me into a very jaded person. And I wouldn't say that's who I am. I'm emotional. I'm vulnerable. Neither of those were acceptable in my circle of friends.
And that's how I went through life. As I never learned how to share my emotions, I never felt comfortable doing it. So when the opportunity arose I just couldn't share. And I thought that wasn't a fixable problem. I had people say "just trust someone", as if it's that easy, but that doesn't work when your entire being is screaming at you not to. When I tried to sharing I actually end up feeling worse. So I pretty much accepted that I wasn't comfortable in sharing. But it turns out that there is a way of "fixing" me. And it's with healthy relationships and someone who understands how to approach a person with low self-esteem.
A while after I moved to Liquid's NL office, we got a visitor. This person works full time for the org but is usually remote. She came over here for three months and it has honestly been a life-changing experience for me. We have the same style of "raw" humor but hers was never self-deprecating. And, once we'd gotten to know each other, she started calling me out on my humor. Whenever I'd say something demeaning about myself she'd give me this look and just go "don't do that" or simply kill a joke. One example of her killing a joke was when I said something about how ugly I am and she just looks at me, stone cold, and goes "don't say that about yourself, you're beautiful". She realized what no one else did. She realized I made the joke because I thought that's what everyone else was thinking and if I got ahead of it, it wouldn't hurt as much. She realized how harmful that was to me.
Things like this continued to happen time and time again for the last three months. And it's built me up to levels you can't imagine. I can't remember the last time I felt this good about myself. I feel confident for the first time in my life and it shows. Both in my personal and professional life. Even though I sometimes fall back into old habits, cause they're hella hard to kick, I do it a lot less now. She still gives me the evil-eye when I do it and we both know what that means. Unfortunately her time here in NL is almost over and I am unable to communicate to her how thankful I am for all that she's done. I've tried telling her but my sentences just became a mess and I got really frustrated because I want to thank her for everything. But how the hell do you do that? I don't know. I have a long ass email draft in my inbox that I'm sending after she's left. Not because I'm too scared to express it verbally, I'm not anymore, but because I can't fully express myself through speech. The email isn't perfect but it's the closest I'll ever come. She leaves tomorrow morning and I'm expecting that I'll cry a lot. We're not best friends. We're not in love. But what she gave me is something I've never experienced before. A healthy friendship and support. And not having that an arms length away sucks.
What I'm trying to say here is that if have someone in your life that makes you more confident, please tell them. Let them know what they've meant to you. And please, don't become another jaded asshat. There's nothing I want more than to kick that attitude.
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That’s a touching story. Those friendships are hard to find.
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konadora
Singapore66366 Posts
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Nice to read that you are doing well. Having someone who has your back when you feel like shit and is supportive when you are in doubt is invaluable.
I think you have a great writing style, but imo it's still better to show appreciation or thankfulness verbally face to face even if you botch it than per text. Face to face just adds another dimension that you can't get with text when it's personal imo and even if you damp it down to just a "thank you so much" it's still better than a letter. Important things just need to be said standing next to each other.
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On May 15 2019 17:39 Archeon wrote:
I think you have a great writing style, but imo it's still better to show appreciation or thankfulness verbally face to face even if you botch it than per text. Face to face just adds another dimension that you can't get with text when it's personal imo and even if you damp it down to just a "thank you so much" it's still better than a letter. Important things just need to be said standing next to each other.
Yeah, I fully agree. I saw her off this morning and tried to thank her but kind of messed it up due to choking up every second word. However, I think that also helped getting my point across.
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Well done  I'm always a coward when it comes to situations like this and regretful afterwards <.<
Hope the two of you stay in contact
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Having -actual- friends is the best thing ever. People that are willing to let you be vulnerable and communicate honestly about boundaries and limits, without anything being taboo. People that are willing to call you on your bullshit, but also accept you for the source of it. It's a good feeling - good job recognizing it for what it was, Julmust
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On May 16 2019 14:37 Fleetfeet wrote:Having -actual- friends is the best thing ever. People that are willing to let you be vulnerable and communicate honestly about boundaries and limits, without anything being taboo. People that are willing to call you on your bullshit, but also accept you for the source of it. It's a good feeling - good job recognizing it for what it was, Julmust
Yeah, recognizing it as actual friendship was actually really hard for me. As I'd never had that before I was really confused for a while. I knew I felt something for her but I also knew it wasn't a romantic interest. She's gorgeous, funny and all that but not what I'm looking for in a girlfriend. So I was super confused for a while. It's interesting, and kind of sad, that I'm 33 years old and never had a real friendship like this before.
This is completely unprompted but I'm also going through a wide array of emotions I don't think I've ever had before. One example: I think I'm going through real heartbreak but I've never had that happen to me outside of a romantic relationship and my entire system is confused as fuck about that. I swing from severely depressed to "normal" (whatever that means) several times a day. As I'm feeling good right now, I find that super interesting... and again, a bit sad. I feel like I should've felt stuff like this before in life.
(unrelated sidenote: I was just informed that this is mental health awareness week. strangely fitting)
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How does knowingly having a low self esteem work? I thought the problem with low self esteem was that you think you're worth less than you actually are. But once you become aware of this, how can this problem continue to exist? Shouldn't realising an esteem problem naturally come with the realisation that you are worth more than you thought you did, at which point the esteem problem ends? I mean, how can you think you are worth less than you actually are, while at the same time realising that you are underselling yourself? That doesn't seem logical.
Which leads to the question: are you sure you have an issue with your self esteem? Have you had a professional diagnose that? If something else is causing your issues, focusing on the wrong cause could be harmful.
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On May 17 2019 06:15 Sr18 wrote:
How does knowingly having a low self esteem work? I thought the problem with low self esteem was that you think you're worth less than you actually are. But once you become aware of this, how can this problem continue to exist? Shouldn't realising an esteem problem naturally come with the realisation that you are worth more than you thought you did, at which point the esteem problem ends? I mean, how can you think you are worth less than you actually are, while at the same time realising that you are underselling yourself? That doesn't seem logical.
Which leads to the question: are you sure you have an issue with your self esteem? Have you had a professional diagnose that? If something else is causing your issues, focusing on the wrong cause could be harmful.
As with most mental issues, it doesn't make sense. That's what makes it so hard. I'll take the one thing I have been diagnosed with in the past as an example: depression. I was doing well for myself. I had a decent job, great friends, plenty of fulfilling hobbies but still I found it hard to get out of bed in the morning. I would honestly get home from work on a Friday, go to bed, and (with the exception of bathroom and food breaks) not get up until Monday morning. I knew I had nothing to be depressed about but a chemical imbalance in my brain made me unable to feel much of anything. It wasn't logical.
And how I know I have problems with self-esteem? Years of experience. I honestly hate myself. Not in a teenage rebellion kind of way or to the point where I want to hurt myself or take other drastic actions but I honestly can't remember the last time I had a good thought about myself. There's this saying that goes "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else" and I can't even start to describe how outlandish that statement is to me. What do you mean "love yourself"? How's that possible? I'm deeply flawed, not funny, and an asshole. Yet I have people around me who want to be my friend. Two weeks ago I had some people over and they laughed their asses off at some of the stuff I wrote when we played Jackbox. People have told me I'm a great person. And I know all these things. But I don't believe them. Again, I don't expect you to understand because I know this isn't logical. But that's mental issues for you.
So with all that said, I hope you get a better understanding of why this friendship was special to me. She found a way to get through to me. She wasn't too pushy about it but had this genuine way of saying positive things to me, that made me actually believe it. I accepted it. I've been playing a bunch of Dead Cells recently and she sat next to me while I was playing, for a little bit. She wasn't a cheerleader but just knew what to say and when. It might sound silly but that was huge for me. The boost in self-esteem I got from those 30 minutes still carries me. I only made two self-demeaning "jokes" about myself today. And that's huge for me.
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not gonna lie before i clicked on this i thought it had somethign to do with your snapchat filter
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2 cents: ... but a chemical imbalance in my brain made me unable to feel much of anything , that should not just be accepted, like never. there's a whole lot of things medics definitively don't yet know , especially with depression related issues.
you should look into things like: Searching for answers, Dr. Pan contacted Jerry Vockley, M.D., Ph.D., chair of genetics, Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh of UPMC, and David Finegold, M.D., professor of human genetics at Pitt's Graduate School of Public Health, and through a series of biochemical tests, the three discovered that the patient had a cerebrospinal fluid deficiency in biopterin, a protein involved in the synthesis of several brain signaling chemicals called neurotransmitters. After receiving an analogue of biopterin to correct the deficiency, the patient's depression symptoms largely disappeared and today he is a thriving college student. The success prompted the researchers to examine other young adults with depression who were not responding to treatment, explained Dr. Pan. In the published trial, the researchers looked for metabolic abnormalities in 33 adolescents and young adults with treatment-resistant depression and 16 controls. Although the specific metabolites affected differed among patients, the researchers found that 64 percent of the patients had a deficiency in neurotransmitter metabolism, compared with none of the controls. In almost all of these patients, treating the underlying deficiency improved their depression symptoms, and some patients even experienced complete remission. In addition, the further along the patients progress in the treatment, the better they are getting, Dr. Pan added .The bidirectional communication between the central nervous system and gut microbiota, referred to as the gut-brain-axis, has been of significant interest in recent years. Increasing evidence has associated gut microbiota to both gastrointestinal and extragastrointestinal diseases. Dysbiosis and inflammation of the gut have been linked to causing several mental illnesses including anxiety and depression, which are prevalent in society today. Probiotics have the ability to restore normal microbial balance, and therefore have a potential role in the treatment and prevention of anxiety and depression. This review aims to discuss the development of the gut microbiota, the linkage of dysbiosis to anxiety and depression, and possible applications of probiotics to reduce symptoms .
and, https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection , but you can find more on the same line, the research on that issue has been speeding up lately.
...but not what I'm looking for in a girlfriend that needs to go. it shows you're over-categorizing most, if not everything, from your environment then try to fit those categories, those pieces, into a broader picture, like a puzzle of sorts; that's strenuous, burdensome, and unnecessary.
you're using random(not natural) rules to construct your puzzle pieces then try to fit them in a picture made for you by someone else or something else(culture, upbringing, expectations, etc).
unless we're talking about very practical things(ex: i want my gf. to have a 6 inch penis), you don't <look for things> in people; you need to be genuine, have some goals(from small/immediate to big/distant ones and you'll start finding things you never knew you're looking for.
you need to try and read up/understand the pathology of a defeatist brain(after all it's a machine, it's predictable, so you can look at it from the outside and debug it). there is a part in there where when you have rules/expectations of a future girlfriend(to keep the constant), what the brain will do(semi-unconsciously), is move the goal posts when you get close to, or when you find your idealized gf; that's why you need to not have rules here, they work against you, you work against you.
also, apart from the personality of the person you're praising here, i can bet that you, unconsciously, identified in her a physical characteristic that you wanted or needed to have in order to function properly(ex: from the 1st example, the subject was missing biopterin so you should've seen the excess of it in her, in this case).
there is almost no behavioral externalization/exteriorization that doesn't depend on an internal physical(bio-chemical) characteristic.
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EPT
