Feeling like I'm wasting my time frightens me.
The last two weeks have been full of anxiety and moments of depression, it feels like I could not appreciate any fucking situation that would otherwise give me pleasure. I managed to sleep relatively well so I kept going to work but one day I had to quit because I could not handle the anxiety symptoms anymore.
I could barely play games, or anything that would need my left hand. I still feel numbness in my left wrist. My mind isn't as sharp as it used to be, probably by a mix of exhaustion and depressive state of mind... Although this depressive state of mind is going away and I managed to calm the fuck down.
What helped me today was that I realised I needed to get rid of my toxicity by text even if it would make my entourage sad, pissed, or whatever, because I was an emotional mess, full of nervousness.
Plus talking to people would allow me to laugh a bit with them, because I was actively trying not to be too pessimistic / sad / whatever, because I knew that would make them run away.
So I baited. And I didn't even care anymore if I got a response or not, because of statistics: some people would answer so I'd get a shot of dopamine and be able to be myself again a bit at least by text (I'm still a bit nervous in real life but it gets better day by day), which would gradually feel myself capable of doing things again.
That's the scary side of anxiety: when it gets so bad you can't do basic things anymore, when your nervous system is so excited you have too much physical symptoms which only strengthens the anxiety. Since I decided in 2019 to reduce my alcohol comsuption because I was tired of using it as a crutch, I didn't realise I actually had to use it to see better and earlier that I was going in a fucking wall: this PhD (it's with an enterprise, french thing, so it didn't start yet, it'll probably be accepted in the next week or so) would be fucking depressing me.
I had already been depressed numerous times, thankfully I managed to get out of it after high school during early college and giving myself a better life, but as soon as I lost a tight group of friends to make me come to class, have fun and stuff, I let myself sink. Starcraft was there so I could go to class in the afternoon avoiding morning classes, have an headache every fucking day, wondering in class if I'm understanding what is said, but instead of overthinking that shit, just browse TL (trolling / getting banned / overhyping terrans just because I play the same race and find it the most difficult? :D) / do other shit while the class was held.
I made friends (well, I was in a group of friends) with both balanced / healthy mind people and darker / tormented people during these college days. I appreciated the healthy mind people who gave me balance, but I was more attracted to the tormented people because I felt like I was understanding their pain and wanted to help them. I had people balancing me enough to avoid going full dark mode, but in 2017 I let it consume me. Oh boy was it good. Oh boy was it bad. Oh boy was it self destructive, toxic and dangerous. Refreshing, painful, an emotional lift like I never felt before. I pushed my body and sanity to its limits, I explored both the best and worst sides of myself. Since I was drinking almost every night and going out, I was able to get rid of my agoraphobia (not in the sense of being afraid of crowds, this side of agoraphobia I manage well, but being scared of large empty spaces) and see Paris by night, without going full anxious / anguish, take pictures and stuff. That side was good.
But I want to do it full healthy now, without having to resort on a crutch. I managed to better the symptoms in 2019 with running, walking and stuff, but the day by day work was killing my soul, because even though this PhD in AI makes sense career wise, the enterprise is "franco-française" with some old people forgetting how they even got trapped there in this hole, without hope for the future, and younger people than me (I "wasted" years to be in a better college / took one year off to rest, stuff like that) who don't have as much emotional experience as I have. I can share a bit more with them but it's hard within work, and this enterprise makes me feel old as fuck and depressed although I'm still "only" 27.
And the university the PhD will take place in where I'll have to grind for 3 years (it's 3 in France)? You probably guessed it by then if you are still reading: it's my former university. The one in which I suffered the most in 2017, in which I loved the most in 2017, in which I grew the most in 2017, in which I cried the most in 2017, in which I survived 2017. I don't even know how I managed to graduate here in 2018 after the 2017 I lived, but I did.
However, it's time to let go of the past and forgive myself. This PhD is a fucking horrendous idea given all of this, so I won't purchase that path.
Tomorrow I'll inform that I don't want to do it and feel at peace again. Now I'm feeling alive again.
Until the next crisis. But I'll survive it again, or at least, I won't give up on myself. Never totally did, never will. As small as the flame becomes in me, I won't ever extinguish it myself.
Don't give up on yourself. Never. Pick your fights as well as you can, pick the right battles for you to fight. Keep investing in yourself although sometimes you'll need a quick fix. But when you take this quick fix, don't forget why you did it. It's when you forget it that all hope is lost and you'll simply be the spectator of your life, instead of the actor.
Take care of yourself and others, and don't be too harsh on yourself. The habits make you live. The habits make you grow. Take the time to pick them carefully so you'll have the least regrets. Or don't if you don't feel the strength. Whatever makes you sleep at night.
I won't live another person dream. I know what I'll be doing instead. See you in another blog entry I guess.