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Someone who I grew up with has become very successful, a multi millionaire and just starting a family. On top of that he's a genuinely good dude, humble, funny, caring of friends and family. It is the latter stuff especially that makes me feel envious. Then I feel really guilty and ashamed because here is someone who deserves his success yet selfishly I feel pain when I hear about it.
To try and combat the feelings I do what psychologists might call "rational self talk". For example, "there's hundreds of other guys I grew up with and none of them are so successful, some are even doing worse than me." Or, "I only see a superficial portion of this guy's life, he too must have stresses, worries and disappointments." But while my mind may assent to these things, it doesn't seem to have much power over feelings.
I guess the obvious solution would be to pursue success myself and stop focusing on others. It's a hard, compulsive habit to break though. I don't know why I constantly do things that I know are objectively bad for me. I feel sometimes like the rat in the experiment that keeps pushing the button to stimulate pleasure in its brain while it starves to death.
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I think it's perfectly normal to struggle with your feelings. We humans often think our rational mind controls our body and that our feelings are part of the body which should be within the control of our mind, but more often than not it's the other way round and we act based on feelings and instincts and search for a rationale to justify our deeds. Emotions are a part of you and fighting them often leaves bigger scars than accepting that you feel that way and living with it, albeit temporarily unpleasant.
Like you say the obvious solution is to focus on what you have and what you can do for yourself. Life isn't fair at all and in the end all we can do is live with what we can achieve/have. So the best course of action is to check what you have, where you feel like that's isn't what you want and spend time to improve those aspects.
On a side note: I've read a bunch of times that the best medicine against jealousy is to meet people who are objectively in much worse situations. We tend to blow our own problems out of proportion and sometimes getting to know a person who lives day to day with real handicaps (poverty, addiction or physical/mental handicaps) reminds us how well off we are. We rationally know that there are people worse off, but knowing in theory and spending time in reality are vastly different things. So consider doing a social project in your free time f.e. if you are seriously bothered by your jealousy.
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When the you see the guy as genuinely good guy it makes it even worse when they become successful due to the fact that it exposes your own foolishness. I find one way to get over envy is simply asking the more successful person for advice, because by asking advice from them you must set aside your ego.
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On April 23 2019 18:32 Archeon wrote:
On a side note: I've read a bunch of times that the best medicine against jealousy is to meet people who are objectively in much worse situations. We tend to blow our own problems out of proportion and sometimes getting to know a person who lives day to day with real handicaps (poverty, addiction or physical/mental handicaps) reminds us how well off we are. We rationally know that there are people worse off, but knowing in theory and spending time in reality are vastly different things. So consider doing a social project in your free time f.e. if you are seriously bothered by your jealousy.
That's a good idea. Will have to look around if there's any volunteering stuff around here.
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The good thing about what you're feeling is that it is super temporary and you will easily forget it when you are having fun doing something you enjoy. There's nothing about a little jealousy that will prevent you from having good moments in your own life.
It's always a little unpleasant to see other people have what we want, but it isn't anything more than an idea. In the same way that seeing advertisements for things you can't afford might be a little unpleasant in the moment, it's not something that will dominate your thoughts unless you really obsess over it.
In short, just let feelings like that come and go, they aren't very important. You need to know where you are in social hierarchy to behave well, that's why we have these thoughts, but beyond that you can safely spend your energy on other things.
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You feel envy because you desire. That envy is an emotion that you find unpleasant. Assuming that you do not want to erase all wordly desires, you should examine what you truly are envious of and why.
I doubt that you are truly feeling envious of him being genuinely good dude, humble, funny, caring of friends and family, as you have written, for what is there to envy of that?
It is more likely that you are envious that he has become very successful, a multi millionaire and just starting a family.
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4713 Posts
Envy is a natural emotion we all feel sometimes. Don't tear yourself up if you experience it, instead try to channel it to something useful.
One exercise I do lately, especially when I'm working out, if I'm feeling particularly tired that day, I'll try to bring up all the envy or resentment and use it to push myself harder.
Another cool exercise I've heard of, to motivate oneself. Write down on a piece of paper your goals in life.
Then write the absolute worst thing that could happen to you if you fail and by fail I mean not pursue your goals to the best of your abilities.
Afterwards write the best thing that could happen if you succeed.
The idea is as such, you'll have double motivation to succeed afterwards if you're honest with yourself, you'll have the potential hell to avoid and a great life to work towards.
I also recommend some breathing exercises/meditation.
That being said we are all unique and have or own troubles and ways to cope, I hope you find your happily ever after.
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Thanks all who took the time to read and reply. Sorry to not answer everyone, felt kind of embarrassed about what I'd written. In a better mind state now.
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Good to hear that you feel better 
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I think its normal to feel what you feel.
The thing is that we can only see so much of the world. Your world is what you see. Its what you set your sight upon. You do this voluntary. Everything else to you is a blur.
We all want many things in life(usually the things that we do not own). So it is common for people to fixate on other that are in possession of the object of our desire. Then we force ourselves to compare. We have to compare to know our standing in the world after all.
We can always choose who to compare. Because we control our aim, we can control what we see. Sure it make you feel better to compare yourself to someone worst. It is also true for the other way around. The question is are we better off or worse? Does it matter? After all you can put yourself in a position where everything doesn't matter or everything matter. Who is there to judge?
I believe that people in this day and age have lost our compass in life. We become obsess with the incredible people who are successful with their lives. After all, that all they show on the TV! Nobody want to look at the miserable people of the world.
If I can give you one advice, it is to compare yourself with who you were yesterday. Are you a better person than who you were yesterday? even a little bit? If the answer is yes, then you are on the right track. Push harder on those improvement. It doesn't have to be a gigantic leap. Do so everyday, and I promise you will see the differences.
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EPT
