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It is a mere month until I turn 27. For most people, every new day is a step forward. Some struggle, while other's try and never find their way. When it comes to me, I feel like I'm not looking for a path at all. If life were a forest, I would be going deeper into the thicket with no sense of direction or purpose.
I am not sure whether it is a symptom of my experiences in life, or this is who I am. Throughout my 20's I told myself I'd grow out of it. I have tried countless anti-depressants, and multiple therapists because everyone assured me that I was experiencing depression in some manifestation. Because I didn't want to get a job, find a woman, or make something of myself, something had to be mentally wrong with me. Am I a failure because of a chemical imbalance in my brain, or is this who I am? These days, the latter rings more true to me. I've lost people I've loved. Watched some die in hospice. One I even took care of full time until she passed. If you have never seen someone you love wither away to something less than human, it is beyond description. These moments are ingrained in my memory and a day does not go by where I do not think about them. I do not define myself by these experiences or consider them to be the cause of where I have landed at this age. If anything, they have made me seek out a life for myself. My first time being employed was close to the time of a parental figure of mine being diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. When they passed, I started going outside more. It was too tough to sit at home and walk through the living room where I had to hear their constant screams of pain, or their sobs of coming to terms with their eventual death. It is as if the room has a tint of the memory embedded into it and it seeps into all the corners of my house. When I left my house, got a girlfriend, took trips across the United States, and pursued a career, the sobs still followed me. I threw it all away. I tried to have a life, and it is not what I wanted. I left my girlfriend, quit my job, and cut off contact of most people in my life.
Now I sit in my room all day and drug myself up. I can say I gave having a successful life that I could be proud of a fair shot, but this is what I would rather want. I do not say this for pity, nor is this a plea for help. I have gone so long without sharing a piece of me, that I wanted someone to know. At this point I feel like I'm just acting out the motions of what a human should be doing, when in reality all I really want is to disappear on an off beaten path with no direction.
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Netherlands5356 Posts
I can relate to many aspects of your story. I found that there is no real cure, but there's acceptance. Not having a successful life is okay. Your life experiences make you who you are and help understand who you are. Right now your mind feels clouded; sunnier days lie ahead. Your best operator is always you.
Btw, cutting off contacts is fine. It's much nicer to have a small groups of contacts who you can count on and vice versa, than having hundreds who all don't give a damn. + Show Spoiler +For example you can count on Ninazerg to read your blog!
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we are all so fucked after reading ninas blog for years...
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The problem with life is you don't get to "Surrender - search new game..." if you messed up the initial build order. You can't even watch the replay and learn something for your next time.
Considering this, I am not sure "gave a successful life a fair shot", as you said. You might have just given it a shot to be able to say you tried, which is not fair at all. Furthermore, the definition of "successful" should be up to you alone and nobody else. The common interpretation of success is nothing but a random standard of society.
"to disappear on an off beaten path with no direction" can mean a lot of things. Taken literally, you could actually go visit some places (outside the U.S.) few people have seen before. Go live in a native village somewhere for a while  . Taken figuratively you could change some aspects of your life without even having a specific direction in mind, just for the mere experience. E.g. take care of some animals, teach BW to kids as their after-school activity, do something you've never done before without the requirement to see immediate benefits.
In short, given the fact you only got this one shot at life, I suggest you try again, under your own terms. It's your best alternative after all 
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I hear ya man. I've never had some of the experiences you've had, but I have a constant feeling that I don't want a job and just want to do nothing. Or that I want to be doing something else. I have a constant nagging feeling that there's some way for me to just not work and still get most of what I want out of life. I haven't figured that out yet though. Let me know if you do.
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On November 21 2017 22:09 Peeano wrote:
you can count on Ninazerg to read your blog!
I read it like three minutes after he posted it because I was browsing through the blogs. There's a lot to process here, though.
The big issues are the drugs and depression. Depression causes a lack of motivation, a feeling of tiredness, and a want to cut oneself off from others. The signs are all there. To Faust, I would say: The only reason you feel content right now is because of the drugs. I said to you that you need a support system behind you, or else you're going to fall back into using, and that's exactly what happened. Sure, you can quit for a couple weeks, but then you're going to be basically living the same life -- but without drugs. If you're depressed, that can be a nightmare. Then you start weighing your options about which nightmare is less bad, drugs or depression. Drugs make you feel good, so you choose drugs.
I know what benadryl can do, because I've taken a lot of it myself. A doctor actually told once to load up on benadryl to calm myself down, because I couldn't leave my house to go to the clinic to get help for myself. That seems crazy that a professional in the field would suggest that, but it makes sense if I just needed something to help me overcome my crippling anxiety. And boi, let me tell you, when I went to the clinic, I LOADED UP. Not something I'd ever want to get into the habit of doing. This was in 2010, so I was about the same age as you are now, just a bit younger.
I wouldn't say "FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE" because that's silly. You don't know what you want yet. That's why I'm really stressing that you need to seek out a support group, and take it 100% dead serious, even if you don't want to at first. Second, you absolutely have to get rid of the drug habit. Getting clean should be your #1 priority, even if you have to check yourself into a rehab. Your next priority should be getting into something that keeps you away from drugs, and it can be a job, it can be volunteering, it can be sports, it can be going to a Magic: The Gathering club. As long as you're keeping your mind busy, and staying active, you won't have as much time to think about taking benadryl as often. You have to just make yourself do something, because if you just flush the drugs, nothing has changed. You're still living the same life in the same environment, and as soon as things get tough, you'll be back to using. Simple as that.
I want you to know that I think you are a great person, and I genuinely care about what happens to you. That's why I'm writing this. I want you to have a better life than the one you currently have, because the one you have is going to make you miserable.
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Netherlands5356 Posts
I hope you're seriously reading what ninazerg has to say.
Please contact a friend or family. It may be wise to let them read this blog entry. Do not be ashamed. If that's too hard feel free to PM me.
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Consider the possibility that your thoughts are not irrational. The amount of people that agree with you isn't a measure of reality. People are a product of evolution and evolution favors those that reproduce. Modern man is just a cherry of self-awareness on top of centuries of dumbcake. While getting a job, a wife, putting a baby in it and calling it a day might hit all the right spots on your primal cake, it's not weird for your consciousness to rationally disagree.
Did I write this just so I could say the cake is a lie? Maybe.
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On November 23 2017 06:42 Saechiis wrote:
Consider the possibility that your thoughts are not irrational. The amount of people that agree with you isn't a measure of reality. People are a product of evolution and evolution favors those that reproduce. Modern man is just a cherry of self-awareness on top of centuries of dumbcake. While getting a job, a wife, putting a baby in it and calling it a day might hit all the right spots on your primal cake, it's not weird for your consciousness to rationally disagree.
Did I write this just so I could say the cake is a lie? Maybe.
Bravo!. However, I feel you pretty much hit the nail on the head.
OT; I agree with Ninazerg, getting off anything that is messing with your consciousness is a very good thing indeed. Being reliant on drugs to get you in a "good" state of mind is not ideal. I don't want to tell you what to do with your life, as only you can decide that. However, what I will suggest is exercising regularly, getting a flow of natural endorphins. It's helped me out of a number of problems through life is something I find very enjoyable.
I hope your next blog will be a more positive note for yourself and your future endeavours .
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part of this is the chemical imbalances in your physical brain;
but excusing that, you're a man and you have to take responsibility for your own life
you've let go. take some responsibilty for your own life and take control of it. you're probably smart enough to know what steps would be good, where to possibility start, who to turn to for help, what the narrative of a recovery should look and feel like.
but will you take that responsibilty today or let it pass by and just go to bed tonight?
no one can tell you how to live your life, no one can judge how you live should you choose to not share about it, and you have every right to continue this meager existence.
yet the future will only get worse as you age should you choose to remain passive this is fact.
if we agree that it's in your best interest to act, and that if your situation remains indefinitely it will only cause more misery, and that it's in your best interest to act sooner rather than later, will you take that first precarious step or choose to feel sorry for yourself when you know what needs to be done for your own good
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EPT
