EPTTwo guys walked out of a concert hall. Into the cold winter air. Really. They did that. One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, Mario, that was hilarious. I was really depressed about my cat's death, but now I'm really cheered the fuck up. Let me buy you a beer, my bro."
The other guy replied, "It sure was a great show, eh, Luigi? He's my favorite comedian on the real, biatch."
They had just attended a live performance of the famous comedian, Robert The Garbageman. He sold out arenas all around the world, and finally had come to Mario and Luigi's non-specific city, and boi, they sure had a bit of a giggle during that performance. They were just laughing, talking shit, and about American footballs, when suddenly, a challenger appeared! She stepped out of the shadows right in front of them, carrying a sign that read: "Robert The Garbageman is garbage! Rape is not a joke." It was a protestor. With great fame comes great amounts of shade, and Robert The Garbageman was scrutinized by many detractors for the same Nickelback is: because it's cool to hate them/him.
The protestor was a short, purple-haired woman with purple lipstick, thick-framed glasses, a tattoo that said, "Hands off my pussy, Trump!" on her neck, a t-shirt that said "Men are like trash: They smell bad, are a part of life, and need to be taken out.", and a leather jacket. "Hey!" She yelled in a really high-pitched voice.
Mario and Luigi froze. They couldn't move, and were paralyzed by the woman's feminist power. "Are you aware that Robert The Garbageman supports RAPE?"
"N...no..." Mario replied, scarred for life.
"Yeah. So you just contributed money to a fucking rapist. Do YOU condone rape, you fucking male pigs? You disgust me."
"NO! Neither of us condone rape! We only have non-consensual sex... not together, but with women... who consent... to the sex."
"LIARRRRRRRRRR"
"PLEASE BELIEVE ME."
"HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW!? HOW CAN YOU BE SO IGNORANT? GET AN EDUCATION."
Luigi stepped in and said, "Ma'am, I apologize. My friend didn't know and neither did I. Now we know and will definitely look into this."
"Are you an ass? Do you even know who I am? I am world-famous feminist blogger, and I have written at least 24 blog posts on how Robert The Garbageman is definitely a rapist and is scum. FeminismKitten is me. I'm FeminismKitten."
"I've never heard of you."
"Well, you need get educated, or else you're part of the problem. I'm standing out here freezing my fucking ass off, and assholes like you are supporting the rape of women. You are the problem with this fucking world. You fucking worms. I would spit on the ground, but you're not worth my saliva, dickwads."
Mario protested again, stating, "If I had known Robert The Garbageman supported rape, I would not have come here, I promise you."
"Have you heard his routine? Did you listen to his jokes?"
"Yes."
"Then you heard him joke about rape, right?"
"Uh... I don't... remember...?"
"UHHHHHH, EXCUSE ME? Are you so desensitized to RAPE that you don't even hear about it? Are women meaningless to you?"
"I swear to god, I have no idea what the fuck you're even talking about, to be honest."
FeminismKitten's face turned beat red from sheer rage. Her hand gripped her protest sign so tightly that it began to crack from the pressure. Luigi leaned in close to Mario and whispered "I think we broke her, Mario."
Mario cleared his throat and said, "Miss FeminismKitten, I want to apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you. Have a goodnight."
"WAIT A MINUTE." FeminismKitten roared."Remember that bit Robert The Garbageman told about sneaking up on his wife and scaring her so bad that she defecated in her own pants?"
"Heh heh, yeah. That was pretty funny."
"No, you colossal fuck. If he touched her with pizza dough, it's still touching her, and if she got frightened, it means she didn't expect to be touched, and that means she didn't give consent to be touched, it means he touched her without consent, and if he touched her without consent, that's sexual assault, and all forms of sexual assault are rape. Let's not say that some are bad and some are 'okay'. No sexual violence is okay. All sexual violence is rape."
"I kind of disagree that shaping pizza dough to look like a python and then tossing it into your significant others' lap is a form of rape, as there was nothing sexual about the act."
"Are you trying to fucking mansplain to me what is rape and what isn't? Listen, you pisslord. Listen good. I'm the woman here, and I get to decide what's appropriate for my body, NOT YOU. GET IT? MEN DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT'S OKAY FOR MY FUCKING BODY."
"Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't think of that, and I will think about that when I go home tonight."
"You sound sarcastic. Like you don't care."
"No, I do care. I just feel like... I dunno... I feel like I'm being attacked."
"OH. OH OH OH. Oh ho ho! You feel attacked? WELCOME TO MY LIFE EVERYDAY. HA. HAHAHA. I'm kidding. What you're experiencing is just 'words', and I'm sorry if it demolishes your fragile male ego and makes you 'uncomfortable', just like I do every time I see a male look at my breasts while probably thinking about raping me in some sort of torture dungeon."
"I can't speak for all men, but I certainly don't think about doing anything of the sort when I look at any woman. I respect women."
"You respect women? Really? Okay. Sure. Yeah. Uh huh. How many female feminist comedians have you seen? Or do you just go watch male comedians?"
"Uh... not... many."
"Just as I thought. Maybe you should go see humor from a WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW. JESUSA CHRISTINA."
Later on
Mario and Luigi were sitting around eating pizza. Mario said "Gee Luigi, I was thinking about that purple-haired girl was saying."
Luigi looked up and said, "Mario, honestly, I think she was just a crazy feminist on her period."
Mario narrowed his eyes (and ears), and replied, "Luigi, think about it. Maybe she got that way because women go through something we don't really understand. I never really thought about what it would be like to be a woman, except for fantasies I've had about having a vagina for a day, and leaving my hand in there until my hand shriveled up into a raisin. Luigi, we might just be missing something. I don't know."
Luigi sighed and said, "You might be right, Mario, but what can we do? We're us. We can't know what it's truly like to see the world from the perspective of another human being. This is the foundation on which solipsism has been laid, Mario. Our minds are a prison from which we cannot escape, but for what? To step into another prison to experience another dwelling of the convicted firsthand? Lest we are granted immortality as Tithonius, and our juries render judgement to condemn us to explore the depth of every penitentiary, the extent of our wisdom shall surely be confined to the chamber by which we have been determined to reside."
"Luigi, it's simple. We go to another comedy show. A female comedian. But a feminist comedian."
Mario pulled out his
"Luigi... while I agree that she is physically attractive, we need to respect her for her intellect and wit. From what I'm reading right now, she is considered one of the top 10 funniest comedians in the world today, was on the hit comedy show An Odd Neighborhood, and won several awards, including 'funniest woman alive' by QQ Magazine."
"She sounds like she's pretty funny, Mario."
"I know. I'm excited."
Two days later, at Tammy Goodbar's comedy show
Mario and Luigi sat down in front-row seats that a friend gave them. The friend wished to remain anonymous, and gave away the tickets for free, much to the surprise of Mario and Luigi.
"It sure was nice for Brian... I mean our anonymous friend... to give us these tickets, eh Luigi?"
"I hope she made lots of spaghetti!"
"What?"
"What?"
Then the announcer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, it is a great honor to present to you the undisputed Queen of Comedy Herself, Ms. Tammy Goodbar! Put your hands together, y'all!"
Everyone clapped, because people are lemmings that do things when they hear what to do over loud-speakers. Tammy Goodbar walked right up to the goddamn mic, and said the following:
" Heyyyy, heyyyy everybody. How's it going? Well, enough about you, let's talk about me. [laughter from audience] So, my vagina is disgusting. I look at my vagina in the mirror and I want to fucking barf. It's a piece of shit, it really is. My vagina fucking sucks. It's like probably the worst vagina you'll ever hope to never see. It's that bad. It really is. My vagina is proof that there is no God, because there is no way God could have fucked up this badly. [laughter from audience] I always thought if there was a God, he would be a woman. Maybe the universe is just like some menstrual blood coming out of God's vagina. It probably is. Everything we know, everything we hold dear is just a bunch of menstrual discharge that came from a giant space-vagina. [laughter from audience] Anyway, yesterday, I took a shit so big that Japanese people were running from it and yelling 'gojiraaaa!'. But seriously, I took the biggest shit I've ever seen, and I've seen some huge shits. Sometimes, I'll go into a public bathroom's stall and someone will not have flushed and I see their shit, just sitting there in the toilet. Usually, that's disgusting and I just yell "Fuck you, you literal piece of shit!" at the shit, and flush it down the drain, but when I see a really impressive shit, I admire it. I take pictures of it, and send it to all my girlfriends and we all just laugh at the fat bitch who must've cranked that son of a bitch out. She probably ate like 900 tacos at Taco Bell right before going into that stall, like what the fuck. But the other day, I took one shit to conquer all other shits. It was a thing of beauty. I actually brought it here today. [Tammy places very large jar filled with brown substance onto bar-stool that is always on comedy show stages for some reason; audience groans in disgust] Yeah. Look at that. That was in one sitting. Or should I say... 'one shitting'? Yeah, so there's a bit of a story behind that. I always tell myself that I'm gonna go on a diet so I can get crazy thin like that cokehead Mary-Kate Olsen, and then maybe I'll get more big black dicks to stuff my vagina. Also, white dicks and asian dicks. I don't discriminate. Well, anyway, I went on this fucking diet where I basically eat, like, lettuce. Just lettuce. The diet was going good... FOR TWO DAYS. You all know what I'm talking about. You start a diet, realize it's pure lettuce, and then lose your goddamn mind. Like, you turn into a psychopath and start smearing your piss and shit all over the walls... and it's your own walls! So anyway, I went crazy, and smeared piss and shit all over my walls, then decided I couldn't take it anymore, and went to this buffet called 'The Cause of American Obesity' or some shit like that. The point is, they served food that was like... fried pizza with a scoop of ice cream. At this point, I'm like, so hungry that this food makes me salivate. I want to fuck this food. That's how much I love it. I just want to smear fried food and ice cream and mayo all over my naked body, and just fall asleep in a puddle of grease. So I went fucking nuts when I got in that buffet. I was knocking little kids over and shit. I got into a fight with a Mexican chick, and beat her over the head with her own chancla over a chicken wing. I pulled a black chick's weave out for taking too long to put gummy bears on her ice cream. I just took food and slammed it right into my face with little regard to whether or not it even made it into my mouth. At one point, I grabbed a whole fried chicken and was just beating myself in the face with it for like 15 minutes until my raw animal instinct kicked in, and I ripped it apart. And I didn't just eat that chicken. I put ice cream and mayo on it at the same time while drinking a coke. I tore into it like a lion or some shit you see on a National Geographic special about cheetahs eating wild animals in the jungle or wherever the fuck they live. Ice cream and grease went flying all over the place, and I'm pretty sure I broke a window. I don't know, because I basically blacked out. Some people have black-out rage. I have black-out hunger. After the carnage was over, I got my big white ass out of my chair and went right into the bathroom and annihilated that toilet. Total devastation. It looked like the Syrian Civil War, but with more casualties and dead children. The janitor walked in and he quit on the spot. Then he committed himself to an insane asylum after getting PTSD and repeating something about the Legendary Shit that could not be cleaned. I'm proud to say that it was I who ruined that janitor's life. It was always my life goal to ruin a janitor's life, because honestly, fuck those guys. If they had anything going for them in their lives, they wouldn't be janitors. That's how you know someone fucked up pretty bad. They're a janitor. So, every time I see a janitor and I'm like "Why didn't you try harder in life?" and it pisses me off. That's why I've always made a point to make the biggest, most disgusting messes possible while in public. I'll fucking legit shit on the floor if I have to. I just need to do whatever I need to do to make them go "Wow, this is bullshit. Maybe I should do something with my life and stop being a fucking janitor." but they never do. They just never do. I try to motivate them, and they just ignore my charity. So fuck 'em. If you see a janitor, I encourage you to throw up on the floor right after eating oatmeal and Mountain Dew. Together, we can make people stop being janitors, and become something decent that contributes something to society. [Someone in the audience yells 'Like a really bad comedian?'] What did you say? What did you say? Yeah, you can leave. You the reason... you can leave. Get up and leave, you piece of shit. I'm doing a show up here, you human garbage. Get the fuck out of the auditorium. [apparently, the guy got up to leave] Yeah, get out, faggot. Sorry everyone, that's offensive to faggots to be compared to that guy. Jesus. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah... I want to tell you about the time my vagina killed a dog. So, as you know, dogs have incredible powers of smell, and they sniff people right in the crotch. Bad idea, dogs. Very bad idea. Some dog walked up to smell my crotch, and it fell over and died right there. I mean, the flies buzzing around my vagina should've been an indication not to fuck your nose, you dumb dog. So the owner got mad and tried to tell me he was going to sue me. So I asked him, "Could I sue you if I jumped in front of your car, knowing the danger it posed?" and he said he was going to fight me and put his hands up. I said you don't want it with this. [gestures around her groin area] He didn't listen. So I pulled it out. I had to. My life was in danger, and the thick green cloud of smog that rolled out of my pants knocked him right out and made him shit his pants. So... that's the time I killed a dog. Sorry, animal rights activists.
Thank you everybody!! "
Mario and Luigi just sat there, stunned. Tammy Goodbar walked off the stage and the audience clapped a bit here and there, but mostly everyone got up to leave. "W...what did we just sit through?" Luigi asked, still shocked.
"I... guess it was funny at some parts..."
"When, Mario? Which part was funny?"
"When she talked about um... you know... fighting the 'Mexican chick' for... I think she said a chicken wing."
"Mario, I was really uplifted from the tenth anniversary of my cat's death after seeing Robert The Garbageman, but now I'm deeply depressed again, and am considering purchasing a sturdy rope. Tell me why I shouldn't."
"Luigi, it wasn't that bad. I laughed a little bit. Didn't you laugh at least even a little?"
"Mario... I forgot what laughter is."
"I mean... Luigi, didn't you even laugh at like... like... you laughed at it for being so bad that it was good?"
"Mario... it was so bad that it was bad."
Mario sighed. All he wanted to do was learn about the experiences of women through humor, but instead, got blindsided by something unexpectedly horrible. It was like Christian missionaries going into the jungle to share the good news of Jesus Christ with the savages, but being horribly cannibalized instead. It was like the crew of a Boeing 777 died, and a random passenger needed to land the plane, and was instructed how to do it from the air traffic controllers, but instead of landing the plane safely, he decided to do a barrel roll after letting the landing gear down, causing a catastrophic crash that burst the entire plane into fire and death.
They both walked outside. Snow slowly fell from grey skies. Luigi stared off into the distance, not really looking at anything anymore. His body was alive, but soul was gone. Mario hung his head in shame, and a lump hung in his throat. They walked to the bus stop and sat down, exhausted by horrible emotional distress. Then a girl walked up and sat down on the bench at the bus stop. Mario said to her, "Excuse me... excuse me, miss?"
She turned to him and said, "Hello?"
Mario asked, "Have you ever heard of the comedian, Tammy Goodbar?"
The girl replied, "Yeah, she fucking sucks."
END
