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> enjoying things in 2017

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ninazerg
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States7291 Posts
Last Edited: 2018-04-02 20:34:03
November 09 2017 08:06 GMT
#1
This is a dark tale about one of the dankest of times: 2017. Remember 2017? Remember it? Remember? It was a year. You'll read this in 40 years and be like "2017? I remember such year. All these younglings these days don't not not misunderstand." <-- The way people talk in the future will be fucking weird.

Two guys walked out of a concert hall. Into the cold winter air. Really. They did that. One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, Mario, that was hilarious. I was really depressed about my cat's death, but now I'm really cheered the fuck up. Let me buy you a beer, my bro."

The other guy replied, "It sure was a great show, eh, Luigi? He's my favorite comedian on the real, biatch."

They had just attended a live performance of the famous comedian, Robert The Garbageman. He sold out arenas all around the world, and finally had come to Mario and Luigi's non-specific city, and boi, they sure had a bit of a giggle during that performance. They were just laughing, talking shit, and about American footballs, when suddenly, a challenger appeared! She stepped out of the shadows right in front of them, carrying a sign that read: "Robert The Garbageman is garbage! Rape is not a joke." It was a protestor. With great fame comes great amounts of shade, and Robert The Garbageman was scrutinized by many detractors for the same Nickelback is: because it's cool to hate them/him.

The protestor was a short, purple-haired woman with purple lipstick, thick-framed glasses, a tattoo that said, "Hands off my pussy, Trump!" on her neck, a t-shirt that said "Men are like trash: They smell bad, are a part of life, and need to be taken out.", and a leather jacket. "Hey!" She yelled in a really high-pitched voice.

Mario and Luigi froze. They couldn't move, and were paralyzed by the woman's feminist power. "Are you aware that Robert The Garbageman supports RAPE?"

"N...no..." Mario replied, scarred for life.

"Yeah. So you just contributed money to a fucking rapist. Do YOU condone rape, you fucking male pigs? You disgust me."

"NO! Neither of us condone rape! We only have non-consensual sex... not together, but with women... who consent... to the sex."

"LIARRRRRRRRRR"

"PLEASE BELIEVE ME."

"HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW!? HOW CAN YOU BE SO IGNORANT? GET AN EDUCATION."

Luigi stepped in and said, "Ma'am, I apologize. My friend didn't know and neither did I. Now we know and will definitely look into this."

"Are you an ass? Do you even know who I am? I am world-famous feminist blogger, and I have written at least 24 blog posts on how Robert The Garbageman is definitely a rapist and is scum. FeminismKitten is me. I'm FeminismKitten."

"I've never heard of you."

"Well, you need get educated, or else you're part of the problem. I'm standing out here freezing my fucking ass off, and assholes like you are supporting the rape of women. You are the problem with this fucking world. You fucking worms. I would spit on the ground, but you're not worth my saliva, dickwads."

Mario protested again, stating, "If I had known Robert The Garbageman supported rape, I would not have come here, I promise you."

"Have you heard his routine? Did you listen to his jokes?"

"Yes."

"Then you heard him joke about rape, right?"

"Uh... I don't... remember...?"

"UHHHHHH, EXCUSE ME? Are you so desensitized to RAPE that you don't even hear about it? Are women meaningless to you?"

"I swear to god, I have no idea what the fuck you're even talking about, to be honest."

FeminismKitten's face turned beat red from sheer rage. Her hand gripped her protest sign so tightly that it began to crack from the pressure. Luigi leaned in close to Mario and whispered "I think we broke her, Mario."

Mario cleared his throat and said, "Miss FeminismKitten, I want to apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you. Have a goodnight."

"WAIT A MINUTE." FeminismKitten roared."Remember that bit Robert The Garbageman told about sneaking up on his wife and scaring her so bad that she defecated in her own pants?"

"Heh heh, yeah. That was pretty funny."

"No, you colossal fuck. If he touched her with pizza dough, it's still touching her, and if she got frightened, it means she didn't expect to be touched, and that means she didn't give consent to be touched, it means he touched her without consent, and if he touched her without consent, that's sexual assault, and all forms of sexual assault are rape. Let's not say that some are bad and some are 'okay'. No sexual violence is okay. All sexual violence is rape."

"I kind of disagree that shaping pizza dough to look like a python and then tossing it into your significant others' lap is a form of rape, as there was nothing sexual about the act."

"Are you trying to fucking mansplain to me what is rape and what isn't? Listen, you pisslord. Listen good. I'm the woman here, and I get to decide what's appropriate for my body, NOT YOU. GET IT? MEN DON'T GET TO DECIDE WHAT'S OKAY FOR MY FUCKING BODY."

"Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't think of that, and I will think about that when I go home tonight."

"You sound sarcastic. Like you don't care."

"No, I do care. I just feel like... I dunno... I feel like I'm being attacked."

"OH. OH OH OH. Oh ho ho! You feel attacked? WELCOME TO MY LIFE EVERYDAY. HA. HAHAHA. I'm kidding. What you're experiencing is just 'words', and I'm sorry if it demolishes your fragile male ego and makes you 'uncomfortable', just like I do every time I see a male look at my breasts while probably thinking about raping me in some sort of torture dungeon."

"I can't speak for all men, but I certainly don't think about doing anything of the sort when I look at any woman. I respect women."

"You respect women? Really? Okay. Sure. Yeah. Uh huh. How many female feminist comedians have you seen? Or do you just go watch male comedians?"

"Uh... not... many."

"Just as I thought. Maybe you should go see humor from a WOMAN'S POINT OF VIEW. JESUSA CHRISTINA."


Later on


Mario and Luigi were sitting around eating pizza. Mario said "Gee Luigi, I was thinking about that purple-haired girl was saying."

Luigi looked up and said, "Mario, honestly, I think she was just a crazy feminist on her period."

Mario narrowed his eyes (and ears), and replied, "Luigi, think about it. Maybe she got that way because women go through something we don't really understand. I never really thought about what it would be like to be a woman, except for fantasies I've had about having a vagina for a day, and leaving my hand in there until my hand shriveled up into a raisin. Luigi, we might just be missing something. I don't know."

Luigi sighed and said, "You might be right, Mario, but what can we do? We're us. We can't know what it's truly like to see the world from the perspective of another human being. This is the foundation on which solipsism has been laid, Mario. Our minds are a prison from which we cannot escape, but for what? To step into another prison to experience another dwelling of the convicted firsthand? Lest we are granted immortality as Tithonius, and our juries render judgement to condemn us to explore the depth of every penitentiary, the extent of our wisdom shall surely be confined to the chamber by which we have been determined to reside."

"Luigi, it's simple. We go to another comedy show. A female comedian. But a feminist comedian."

Mario pulled out his mushroom smart phone of a popular brand, and did a web-search on Bing.com for "Feminist comedians", and the first name that popped up was "Tammy Goodbar". Mario showed the phone's screen to Luigi, who looked at the blonde-haired, blue-eyed comedienne, and whistled. "She's not bad-lookin', Mario."

"Luigi... while I agree that she is physically attractive, we need to respect her for her intellect and wit. From what I'm reading right now, she is considered one of the top 10 funniest comedians in the world today, was on the hit comedy show An Odd Neighborhood, and won several awards, including 'funniest woman alive' by QQ Magazine."

"She sounds like she's pretty funny, Mario."

"I know. I'm excited."


Two days later, at Tammy Goodbar's comedy show


Mario and Luigi sat down in front-row seats that a friend gave them. The friend wished to remain anonymous, and gave away the tickets for free, much to the surprise of Mario and Luigi.

"It sure was nice for Brian... I mean our anonymous friend... to give us these tickets, eh Luigi?"

"I hope she made lots of spaghetti!"

"What?"

"What?"

Then the announcer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, it is a great honor to present to you the undisputed Queen of Comedy Herself, Ms. Tammy Goodbar! Put your hands together, y'all!"

Everyone clapped, because people are lemmings that do things when they hear what to do over loud-speakers. Tammy Goodbar walked right up to the goddamn mic, and said the following:

" Heyyyy, heyyyy everybody. How's it going? Well, enough about you, let's talk about me. [laughter from audience] So, my vagina is disgusting. I look at my vagina in the mirror and I want to fucking barf. It's a piece of shit, it really is. My vagina fucking sucks. It's like probably the worst vagina you'll ever hope to never see. It's that bad. It really is. My vagina is proof that there is no God, because there is no way God could have fucked up this badly. [laughter from audience] I always thought if there was a God, he would be a woman. Maybe the universe is just like some menstrual blood coming out of God's vagina. It probably is. Everything we know, everything we hold dear is just a bunch of menstrual discharge that came from a giant space-vagina. [laughter from audience] Anyway, yesterday, I took a shit so big that Japanese people were running from it and yelling 'gojiraaaa!'. But seriously, I took the biggest shit I've ever seen, and I've seen some huge shits. Sometimes, I'll go into a public bathroom's stall and someone will not have flushed and I see their shit, just sitting there in the toilet. Usually, that's disgusting and I just yell "Fuck you, you literal piece of shit!" at the shit, and flush it down the drain, but when I see a really impressive shit, I admire it. I take pictures of it, and send it to all my girlfriends and we all just laugh at the fat bitch who must've cranked that son of a bitch out. She probably ate like 900 tacos at Taco Bell right before going into that stall, like what the fuck. But the other day, I took one shit to conquer all other shits. It was a thing of beauty. I actually brought it here today. [Tammy places very large jar filled with brown substance onto bar-stool that is always on comedy show stages for some reason; audience groans in disgust] Yeah. Look at that. That was in one sitting. Or should I say... 'one shitting'? Yeah, so there's a bit of a story behind that. I always tell myself that I'm gonna go on a diet so I can get crazy thin like that cokehead Mary-Kate Olsen, and then maybe I'll get more big black dicks to stuff my vagina. Also, white dicks and asian dicks. I don't discriminate. Well, anyway, I went on this fucking diet where I basically eat, like, lettuce. Just lettuce. The diet was going good... FOR TWO DAYS. You all know what I'm talking about. You start a diet, realize it's pure lettuce, and then lose your goddamn mind. Like, you turn into a psychopath and start smearing your piss and shit all over the walls... and it's your own walls! So anyway, I went crazy, and smeared piss and shit all over my walls, then decided I couldn't take it anymore, and went to this buffet called 'The Cause of American Obesity' or some shit like that. The point is, they served food that was like... fried pizza with a scoop of ice cream. At this point, I'm like, so hungry that this food makes me salivate. I want to fuck this food. That's how much I love it. I just want to smear fried food and ice cream and mayo all over my naked body, and just fall asleep in a puddle of grease. So I went fucking nuts when I got in that buffet. I was knocking little kids over and shit. I got into a fight with a Mexican chick, and beat her over the head with her own chancla over a chicken wing. I pulled a black chick's weave out for taking too long to put gummy bears on her ice cream. I just took food and slammed it right into my face with little regard to whether or not it even made it into my mouth. At one point, I grabbed a whole fried chicken and was just beating myself in the face with it for like 15 minutes until my raw animal instinct kicked in, and I ripped it apart. And I didn't just eat that chicken. I put ice cream and mayo on it at the same time while drinking a coke. I tore into it like a lion or some shit you see on a National Geographic special about cheetahs eating wild animals in the jungle or wherever the fuck they live. Ice cream and grease went flying all over the place, and I'm pretty sure I broke a window. I don't know, because I basically blacked out. Some people have black-out rage. I have black-out hunger. After the carnage was over, I got my big white ass out of my chair and went right into the bathroom and annihilated that toilet. Total devastation. It looked like the Syrian Civil War, but with more casualties and dead children. The janitor walked in and he quit on the spot. Then he committed himself to an insane asylum after getting PTSD and repeating something about the Legendary Shit that could not be cleaned. I'm proud to say that it was I who ruined that janitor's life. It was always my life goal to ruin a janitor's life, because honestly, fuck those guys. If they had anything going for them in their lives, they wouldn't be janitors. That's how you know someone fucked up pretty bad. They're a janitor. So, every time I see a janitor and I'm like "Why didn't you try harder in life?" and it pisses me off. That's why I've always made a point to make the biggest, most disgusting messes possible while in public. I'll fucking legit shit on the floor if I have to. I just need to do whatever I need to do to make them go "Wow, this is bullshit. Maybe I should do something with my life and stop being a fucking janitor." but they never do. They just never do. I try to motivate them, and they just ignore my charity. So fuck 'em. If you see a janitor, I encourage you to throw up on the floor right after eating oatmeal and Mountain Dew. Together, we can make people stop being janitors, and become something decent that contributes something to society. [Someone in the audience yells 'Like a really bad comedian?'] What did you say? What did you say? Yeah, you can leave. You the reason... you can leave. Get up and leave, you piece of shit. I'm doing a show up here, you human garbage. Get the fuck out of the auditorium. [apparently, the guy got up to leave] Yeah, get out, faggot. Sorry everyone, that's offensive to faggots to be compared to that guy. Jesus. Okay, where was I? Oh yeah... I want to tell you about the time my vagina killed a dog. So, as you know, dogs have incredible powers of smell, and they sniff people right in the crotch. Bad idea, dogs. Very bad idea. Some dog walked up to smell my crotch, and it fell over and died right there. I mean, the flies buzzing around my vagina should've been an indication not to fuck your nose, you dumb dog. So the owner got mad and tried to tell me he was going to sue me. So I asked him, "Could I sue you if I jumped in front of your car, knowing the danger it posed?" and he said he was going to fight me and put his hands up. I said you don't want it with this. [gestures around her groin area] He didn't listen. So I pulled it out. I had to. My life was in danger, and the thick green cloud of smog that rolled out of my pants knocked him right out and made him shit his pants. So... that's the time I killed a dog. Sorry, animal rights activists.

Thank you everybody!! "


Mario and Luigi just sat there, stunned. Tammy Goodbar walked off the stage and the audience clapped a bit here and there, but mostly everyone got up to leave. "W...what did we just sit through?" Luigi asked, still shocked.

"I... guess it was funny at some parts..."

"When, Mario? Which part was funny?"

"When she talked about um... you know... fighting the 'Mexican chick' for... I think she said a chicken wing."

"Mario, I was really uplifted from the tenth anniversary of my cat's death after seeing Robert The Garbageman, but now I'm deeply depressed again, and am considering purchasing a sturdy rope. Tell me why I shouldn't."

"Luigi, it wasn't that bad. I laughed a little bit. Didn't you laugh at least even a little?"

"Mario... I forgot what laughter is."

"I mean... Luigi, didn't you even laugh at like... like... you laughed at it for being so bad that it was good?"

"Mario... it was so bad that it was bad."

Mario sighed. All he wanted to do was learn about the experiences of women through humor, but instead, got blindsided by something unexpectedly horrible. It was like Christian missionaries going into the jungle to share the good news of Jesus Christ with the savages, but being horribly cannibalized instead. It was like the crew of a Boeing 777 died, and a random passenger needed to land the plane, and was instructed how to do it from the air traffic controllers, but instead of landing the plane safely, he decided to do a barrel roll after letting the landing gear down, causing a catastrophic crash that burst the entire plane into fire and death.

They both walked outside. Snow slowly fell from grey skies. Luigi stared off into the distance, not really looking at anything anymore. His body was alive, but soul was gone. Mario hung his head in shame, and a lump hung in his throat. They walked to the bus stop and sat down, exhausted by horrible emotional distress. Then a girl walked up and sat down on the bench at the bus stop. Mario said to her, "Excuse me... excuse me, miss?"

She turned to him and said, "Hello?"

Mario asked, "Have you ever heard of the comedian, Tammy Goodbar?"

The girl replied, "Yeah, she fucking sucks."



END

****
"If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mecha-battle between two unborn babies." - Fyodor Dostoevsky
KelsierSC
Profile Blog Joined March 2013
United Kingdom10443 Posts
November 09 2017 08:35 GMT
#2
Haven't laughed out loud reading a TL blog, this was really entertaining.
Zerg for Life
Artanis[Xp]
Profile Blog Joined December 2005
Netherlands12968 Posts
November 09 2017 12:28 GMT
#3
I never knew I was such a chronic rapist. Thanks, FeminismKitten.
AnythingThenDelete
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
381 Posts
November 09 2017 12:49 GMT
#4
I randomly found a comedian on youtube doing stand ups, and then got thinking in "stand up" monologue in my head, and NOW ninazerg is posting a stand-up related post?

They are after me !
JimmyJRaynor
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Canada16719 Posts
November 09 2017 14:34 GMT
#5
Tony Clifton is the greatest stand up comedian ever...
and a protege of Andy Kaufman.

Ray Kassar To David Crane : "you're no more important to Atari than the factory workers assembling the cartridges"
Nebuchad
Profile Blog Joined December 2012
Switzerland12216 Posts
November 09 2017 15:25 GMT
#6
Sounds like there's a message in there. I can't quite figure it out though.
No will to live, no wish to die
ninazerg
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States7291 Posts
November 09 2017 16:44 GMT
#7
On November 09 2017 23:34 JimmyJRaynor wrote:
Tony Clifton is the greatest stand up comedian ever...
and a protege of Andy Kaufman.


I idolize Andy Kaufman a little too much. I think it's the reason I do so much "alternative humor" and meta-jokes. I'm still half-expecting Andy Kaufman to appear on TV sometime and go "Surprise! I was alive this whole time."

On November 10 2017 00:25 Nebuchad wrote:
Sounds like there's a message in there. I can't quite figure it out though.


There is, but it's not super-important. The most important thing is just to enjoy the things that make you happy. Unless what makes you happy is murdering people. That's where I'd draw the line, for sure.
"If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mecha-battle between two unborn babies." - Fyodor Dostoevsky
ninazerg
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States7291 Posts
November 09 2017 16:46 GMT
#8
On November 09 2017 17:35 KelsierSC wrote:
Haven't laughed out loud reading a TL blog, this was really entertaining.


This is why I do this. Even if it confuses the hell out of everyone else, the one person who laughs makes it worth it. Laughter is great, and I am humbled to be able to contribute to it.
"If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mecha-battle between two unborn babies." - Fyodor Dostoevsky
vult
Profile Blog Joined February 2012
United States9400 Posts
November 09 2017 17:32 GMT
#9
This was great, my eyes enjoyed reading it. SHIT FUCK I RAPED THE BLOG.
I used to play random, but for you I play very specifically.
TelecoM
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
United States10674 Posts
November 10 2017 05:36 GMT
#10
Awesome blog, 5/5 , your blogs are always epic lol
AKA: TelecoM[WHITE] Protoss fighting
Paljas
Profile Joined October 2011
Germany6926 Posts
November 10 2017 19:17 GMT
#11
its funny cause feminist are so stupid XD
TL+ Member
Starlightsun
Profile Blog Joined June 2016
United States1405 Posts
November 11 2017 06:35 GMT
#12
That was good.
Korakys
Profile Blog Joined November 2014
New Zealand272 Posts
November 11 2017 21:30 GMT
#13
I feel like Luigi is from the South Tyrol part of Italy.

This was pretty bleak so I'm glad it ended on a hopeful note.
Swing away sOs, swing away.
Skynx
Profile Blog Joined January 2013
Turkey7150 Posts
November 12 2017 07:50 GMT
#14
You watch air crash investigation nina?
"When seagulls follow the troller, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much" - King Cantona | STX 4 eva
NoS-Craig
Profile Joined July 2011
Australia3116 Posts
November 12 2017 16:22 GMT
#15
I felt like I was descending into madness or something when I got to the Wall of China text. Awesome blog mate gave me a great laugh.
Artosis loves Starcraft
ninazerg
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States7291 Posts
November 13 2017 09:52 GMT
#16
On November 11 2017 04:17 Paljas wrote:
its funny cause feminist are so stupid XD


I don't think you're allowed to say that on this forum.

On November 12 2017 16:50 Skynx wrote:
You watch air crash investigation nina?


Why do you ask?
"If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mecha-battle between two unborn babies." - Fyodor Dostoevsky
Skynx
Profile Blog Joined January 2013
Turkey7150 Posts
Last Edited: 2017-11-13 10:25:53
November 13 2017 10:20 GMT
#17
Pretty similar case actually happened where a fire broke out and air traffic control dircted a fairly new first officer to emergency landing when captain passed out but it crashed killing everyone.

It was a 747 tho
"When seagulls follow the troller, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much" - King Cantona | STX 4 eva
lestye
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States4172 Posts
November 13 2017 17:59 GMT
#18
I loved the way you weaved the exposition into the narrative. Masterful.
"You guys are just edgelords. Embrace your inner weeb desu" -Zergneedsfood
ninazerg
Profile Blog Joined October 2009
United States7291 Posts
November 13 2017 19:24 GMT
#19
On November 13 2017 19:20 Skynx wrote:
Pretty similar case actually happened where a fire broke out and air traffic control dircted a fairly new first officer to emergency landing when captain passed out but it crashed killing everyone.

It was a 747 tho


lol omg... of all the stuff to take away from this.

Well, to answer the question: I do remember watching a video of a crash where the plane basically blows up. I've seen other videos of planes crashing and stuff. I used to be pretty interested in flying when I was younger, so I played lots of flight simulators, and landing was always the trickiest part.
"If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mecha-battle between two unborn babies." - Fyodor Dostoevsky
Nebuchad
Profile Blog Joined December 2012
Switzerland12216 Posts
November 14 2017 09:22 GMT
#20
On November 13 2017 18:52 ninazerg wrote:
Show nested quote +
On November 11 2017 04:17 Paljas wrote:
its funny cause feminist are so stupid XD


I don't think you're allowed to say that on this forum.


98% sure he isn't.
No will to live, no wish to die
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