EPTStupid self loathing blog again, rambling from a student learning english.
Peaks and valleys.
Where to begin?
There are times at the top, a bit nervous but beside that it is all good. I feel like I can conquer the whole world, maybe even a bit beyond that if we had colonizes others planets. I feel like I could read any book in a night, who cares about sleep, I feel like I could learn any languages in no time, working 8 hours a day on it, even 10, let us say 12 HELL 16 hours a day on a subject. I feel like no one can stop me! During those times I am an aspiring foreigner hope, I am a “52 books a year” guy, I am about to become fluent in 5 languages, I am the next big name of internet, I am about to get married, get kids, get a cat, get a big house, get loads of money, get published, I am the king of the world! I talk with my friend and I have plans for both of us, we are going to build an empire! This is 5% of my time.
Then I come back to reality, but I am still kind of at the top. I have energy, motivation, I can stick to a “simple” schedule. I feel great, I go forward, I still make plans but they seem realistic, working 1 hour a day on this, another hour on that, etc. This is a bit above the normal state, I would say. During those times, I have hope about the future, I am going to be an average person, it feels good. I am finally coming to terms with my limits and some kind of potential, I am Mr.Normal and nothing is wrong with that. I think this is when I am the most agreeable to my friend, kinda joking, kinda serious, down to earth with a little boost, a “good” friend. This is 15% of my time.
The normal state: I don’t have huge motivation to do stuff, but I go through my daily life. Have to put myself to work, but I can still do it. I take a nap every other day, I read a little here and there, I do the paperwork, everything is kinda bland, but I do not mind it. If I let my mind wander, I find that life is lacking purpose, but I do not care, I let go of those thoughts and I keep going. I tend to be silent to my friend, a bit of talks if he initiates it, an anecdote or fun thing I saw on internet, once in a blue moon a little “envolée” to make us laugh, my true face… This has to be 30% of my time.
Then there is the fall, slow at first. Lack of motivation, lack of activities, a bit more sleep, work is scarce, reading feels like a chore, not playing any game any more, not even listening to music. Apathetic state, the bad thoughts are more present, they keep whispering in my ears and I can even have some talks with them, they do not leave my side any more, until come the sleeping hours, taking a nap everyday, sleeping 10 hours a night. I do not talk to my friend unless they engage the conversation and even then I tend to give short laconic answers. My plan for the future are getting welfare, prison, hospital, not doing anything of my life, it feels like I could not do anything anyway. This state is maybe 40% of my time.
There is another state, “hell”, “valleys”, most of people in my state of mind call it “feeling a bit down lately”. This is 10% of my time, this is a state of which when I am looking back at it I realized I need help, I am getting it. In the moment it feels like nothing can help me, but the medication is here, the talking too. This is a state when I avoid any online presence, hell I have a friend on twitch and I kinda try to avoid him as well. I feel like the world is going to end soon, not THE world but MY world. I feel like once my parents die, I am going to do tie, tying a rope in the woods, or putting rocks in my coat and jumping of that bridge in cold water. This states, I would wish it on my worst enemy, yes I said “would” and not “would not” no need for clichés here. In this state I am reminded of my incompetence, of the fraud that I am, of all the bad aspects of my personality and gene pool, of all the thing I have tried and failed, of all that I have never achieved. I try to escape by sleeping a lots, but my everyday life got in the ways, I sleep 12 hours if I can, and take another nap and still feel tired, I know I need a physical activity, but I also know I don’t even “deserve” to get better, I also know that I will never get better, or at least I “know” during those times, what I know seems to change depending on my state of mind.
But after a few days (sometimes weeks, maybe it is seasonal, I have read about it), I am back at my normal state, then climbing the mountain again… Sometimes I go from one state to another with a jump, but usually it comes in cycle.
Ps: the time estimation might be wrong.
Peaks and valleys.
I guess that is what people go through everyday, for some it is a syndrome, bipolar they call it, because they jump from one extreme to another and thus from an hour to another, hell I would not like to be in their shoes, for the others, us, you, me, it just life.
Stupid quote to make it looks smarter than it is (straight copy paste from the first google’s link): Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
I can not really figure what is the rod and staff of this situation though.
