EPTHello to you dear TL’s member, liquiders? Liquiditians? Liquitons? I don’t know, pick one, here I am even going to add the most creative option: Other (please specify):..
I wanted to make a blog for this end of such a deadly year that was 2016, got lots of ideas but nothing that quite stick, short story, debate, observation, nothing. So instead I chose a “basic” approach: self loathing-like-observation.
I have always been quite pessimistic and negatives about many things but it is not before my teenage years that a doctor raised the possibility of depression. At first the question of “something” wrong in my head was raised by random doctors: I would come home sick and the doctors would just say something like “maybe it is stress, is everything okay at home?”, then my family doctor started questioning my mental state as well, the observation was something like that (if you have ever wondered about a relative or friend): “X I have seen you through the years and you have changed, you have lost lots of weights, your face has no expression and from you or what your mother tell me you seem to have really dark thoughts… it might be the start of a depression…” and then a few years later a breakdown (but that’s another story).
This is a little introduction, raising the question of whether I have no interest because I am growing older or if this is depression talking.
I used to be quite the grinder in my days: reading a book as much as I can, playing a game for hours and hours, binge watching a show before the term was even adopted etc. But now things have changed.
My attention span has been reduced to some extreme: I paused every video even if it last 2 minutes, I read 5 pages and then need a break, I don’t even play games as they require to much focus.
It feels like my “passion” quota has reached a burn out.
I still have some little sparks, for example I would be interested in a game and play it for three days, or read a book in less than a week… lately those have been the like of chess, broodwar, poetry, the girl on the train… and then nothing. It took me 2 months to read one book, it wasn’t even bad or anything, but it took me ages. I played broodwar one week. I played chess every other day for 2 weeks… I have lots of shows I want to watch and of course there are my studies…
It is hard finding the words to describe what a lack of passion produces. There is nothing to turn when you got free-time, there is nothing that could be used as some kind of a reward, there is nothing that create a feeling of “awaiting” like a new episode, new game, new tournaments or anything like that.
I try to create a routine, I try to pick up good habits, for my studies, for my mind, for my brain (if those things are not the same), for my body. And here we are 2017 on the horizon, what could be a better time to make some changes? Of course finding my way, a passion, a hobby should be part of this list, it should even be number 1 (:lazy_town_music
but starting to know myself a little I decided to not put it on the list, knowing too well that I am beyond lazy when it comes to my health I have also decided to not put “sport” on the list. Hell, I have decided to put only the minimum amount of good resolutions, not 5, not 3, just 2… two little resolutions but the list can of course get longer and longer, we will see about that.Here are my resolutions, really small baby steps, really insignificant, but it is better than to set the bar too high (I grant you this seems to be too low… I was never good at doing thing correctly always a kind of all or nothing guy):
- Learn 10 Spanish words a week
- Read one book a month
Yes, this is quite a shitty blog, as usual a witty man would say (or a woman, or whatever you identify yourself as). Now I am about to celebrate Christmas with my family, going to disappoint with my shitty gifts, enjoy a simple dinner, tad more expensive than usual, and end the night with some reading (IT by Stephen King, so far the book is a bit boring, not bad but too over-hyped … that could be theme of another blog).
Merry Christmas TL!
