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Lately I've been stressing like crazy. Probably it is due to many reasons - still on the line waiting for PhDs, while I work part-time jobs that are not exactly my liking and have to deal with so many jerks (a guy came into the bar, made me open a beer and then said 'I have no money to pay it' - stuff like this).
Also, one of my friends recently got engaged and me and the others are worried. Apart from the fact that she seems to have lost 40-50 IQ on the spot, she also started to do some shady stuff (i.e. lying to her parents to get free money). The other day I met her with a couple friends and I got so mad I had to leave earlier, I just can't stand some shit.
I had anxiety issues in the past, to the point that my chest was feeling like a stone (I remember waiting for the results of an HIV test - for weeks I could barely do a full, satisfactory breath). The last few days it appeared again, to the point that I don't feel comfortable smoking pot and that is quite a big deal for me. I get paranoid and start thinking about a possible heart attack. I guess I will have to calm down.
Maybe this is due to the fact that next week I will know if I got in the last PhD I applied for quite some time (I don't know when the next applications will be). I don't know, I'd just like to relax.
 
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Can definitely relate to that feeling. I think it's something that has to exhaust itself by necessity. Small comfort while you're in it I know. Good luck with the PhD, that should definitely be a relief to not be in suspense about that anymore.
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Been there too. What helped my anxiety was to get in touch with a psychologist and talk all shit out. Helps a ton and I would definitely recommend if you happen to have decent chances for public health care.
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"when you breathe as if you are relaxed.. you start to become relaxed." Eli Bay.
check out Eli Bay.
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Here is some advice i can give you. If this do not apply to you (or is old news), then maybe they can be to some help for someone else reading the blog.
Think of feelings of stress thats something that is happening to you and not something that IS you. The feelings of anxiety is produced by your amygdala (among the deepest part your brain). It is an intense feeling that has its function in securing your life in situations of life-threatening danger.
Even though it has its important tasks, serving as an instinct for survival, it can also cause problems for us. If your life is not in an immediate danger, feelings of anxiety is usually not helpful to you. So here is my advice for you to dealing with stress and anxiety
Be aware of your thought-processes. Usually our thoughts work in this way:
Thought A trigger Thought B which cause Thought C wich leads to feelings X
Can you recognize these patterns in your own thoughts and mind? Try to catch yourself during or after a mental thought session.
Here is an example:
"I stress so much" "It will lead me to fail at the exam" "Then i will not get a job" "no-one will like me" *feelings of stress gets worse
In this example we need to just analyze the thought process and ask ourselves: Is it helpful for my overall situation in going from "I stress so much" to "It will lead me to fail at the exam". No. We can see it leads to more stress. The mental note we can make for ourselves is to recognize these kinds of thoughts, that typically starts a chain reaction of thoughts that leads to conclusions and feelings that harm us, and simply stop them early in their tracks.
Recognize your own thoughts and feelings while they are happening. We tend to believe that solutions to our problems is complicated, but it can be this easy if we just step out of our minds and accept feelings as something that can help us or harm us, not something that we have to be.
Remember the old mantra "Mind over matter"? Thats what this is about. I say this because its something that works and has worked for human beings in all of time. I promise it will work for you too.
Just last night i was laying in my bed and could not sleep. I have been getting into a bad rhytm and i have been having a hard to time turning it around. So here is what happened. I started thinking
"There is something wrong with me. Today i thought i did things right. I got up early and have been doing so for days in order to get to bed earlier. Yet i my body have just decided i cannot fall asleep before 4 in the morning. This is hurting my work in the day time! What is wrong with me!?"
Can you imagine what i was feeling thinking like this? Not sleepy i can assure that much. I was feeling more and more stressed and my mind started racing and ending up in bad places. Thats when the mental note kicked in. I asked myself: does this help me? Will this lead me to sleep faster? The answer is simple. No. Is there something wrong with me and my body? No, I just think that there is something wrong.
The change in mental state i experienced then was quite drastic as you can imagine. The good think about this is that it always works. Because you can be the author of your thougths. You can. Not your brain. Not your amygdala. You.
Now it seems that you also are suffering from anxiety from fear of death. I used to have this too. Long before i became mindful. It happened to me because something was missing in my life. Can this apply to you too? Is there something missing? A potential not furfilled? Feel free to share.
Take care.
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EPT
