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I’m writing this here because I need to get it off my chest, and I don’t have the strenght or curage to speak with my friends and family about it. I’ve wanted to talk to them, especially my older sister, but whenever I try to force myself to it, I end up backing away. It’s to hard to put into words.
I’m 29 years old now. I have a good job, decent income and a good education. I had a good childhood, loving parents and great friends. Despite all that, I’ve been feeling depressed for the last 8 years or so for reasons I don’t understand. Emotional crisis happens to all of us from time to time, but I’ve noticed those periods getting more and more severe and lasting for longer periods of time, with thoughts of suicide getting more common.
Even on a good day, I play with the idea of ways to kill myself. I watch a car pass by and I imagine jumping in front of it. I go to the lake and think about how it would feel drowning. For the past couple of years, these thoughts pop up almost every day, to a point where I’ve gotten used to it and no longer reflect on how terrifying it is.
Last saturday I almost put those ideas into action, and I realized that I need help.
If anyone have any experience about how to to deal with this, I would be greatful. If you have had any dealings with psychiatrists or anti-depression meds and can tell me about how that stuff works, I'd be interested in learning more.
I’ve come to a point where I’m starting to fear for my well being and I could really use a voice of reason right now.
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Definitely get help. The way you describe the situation it sounds very severe. Some advice:
It may take some time until you find a professional you are comfortable with and that can help you in an effective way.
Don't start out with anti-depressants. Try if it works without first. There are some strong meds out there, if you take them, be sure you need them.
I also found it helps to talk to people who have/had similar experiences. It can be a big relief to find that you are not alone and being able talk to people who understand you.
Feel free to pm me if you have specific questions. And of course, good luck!  The most important thing is setting your mind to improving the situation and in this regard you are already well under way.
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I've dealt with serious mental issues in the past. Because of this I've taken plenty of meds and spent many hours with just about any kind of therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist there is.
If you are genuinely thinking of ending your life, it is important that you seek help right now. In my experience it DOES get better if you seek help from the right people. Go to a doctor or whatever health care professional is most easily reachable in Sweden, they can at least help you find a good psychiatrist/psychologist. Your problems seem quite severe, so I'd hurry before you completely lock everything out.
You ask about "dealing" with psychiatrists, I'm not sure what you mean? In my experience psychiatrists are heavily focussed on finding the right meds and meds can be a short term solution but you'll need to clear your mind about what's causing the depression. Remember that everyone is completely different and the cause of your depression will also be different.
Things might seem very dark, but remember that everything can and most likely will change with a few years. I know it did for me, haven't felt the sadness I felt years ago in forever, and can stay rational about things that bother me easier. Good luck! If you have any further questions, I might be able to help.
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First, you should know that soliciting psychiatric advice from internet folk is a risky game, so take everything you read here with a grain of salt. This is not professional advice.
All that said, you should seek out a psychologist or psychiatrist as soon as possible. You have the advantage of being self-reflective enough to recognize that you need help, and that'll come in great handy down the line, but the most important thing at this juncture is that you find a professional that will listen. In the event that you cannot find a psychiatrist in short order, I'd let at least one person you're close to know that you're having problems with depression. Though I don't really know enough about your interpersonal life to suggest a specific person, problems like depression almost always require at least one external source of either advice or just simply a listening ear. Accordingly, even if it takes the form of "I'm feeling really sad lately," you should do your best to reach out to a family member or friend. Realizing that you are not alone in your battle can oftentimes be the first step towards feeling better about life.
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Thinking about killing yourself means immediate professional advice. These people know what they do. Trust them.
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Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Despite all your issues and how you are feeling, know you are not alone. I don't know you, and I have actually never spoken about this with anyone but my closest family, but I am in an extremely similar situation to you. 30 years old, good job, support myself, college degree, severe depression/anxiety on and off for 10 years.
First know, it's ok. You are ok and will be fine. We all struggle with different things, we all have our issues, our fights and demons. Please, stop thinking about killing yourself. You are worth living. Just find a way to get it out, like this blog for example. Just you writing this, and me reading it helps me feel better. So, there ya go, you are already inadvertently helping others just by talking. Getting things off your chest also help you deal with them. It makes them tangible, something you can work with. I do think it would be good if you could talk to those close to you, let them know what you are going through, they will be there for you and help you, because they love you.
Don't shy away, be scared or think you don't have the strength. You do, you just admitted you have been living with this issue for 8 years. What more proof do you need that you are strong? Something that makes you feel like giving up every day, yet you haven't. That is something to be proud of. You just keep going.
You do need help, god knows we all do. I'm not saying you need to see a specialist or not, but you do need to find someone who can listen and help you when you are at your worst. For example, my sister is my biggest supporter, and she had no idea what I was going through. Yet, she was so happy when I finally told her, and has supported me more than anyone ever since. You would be surprised what people do for the ones they love.
As for meds. I tried many different ones over the years, none of them helped me. Don't be discouraged if you get on something and it doesn't improve your feelings or moods. Try something else. There is no trump card to beat depression and it sounds like yours is serious, but that's ok, because so are you or you wouldn't be here. And you are strong, 8 years fighting and still going.
I would suggest getting outside, exercise, do you have hobbies you are passionate about? Spend time with yourself as well, what do you care about, try meditation, join support groups (online or in your city). You can PM me any time and I will talk with you too. Even if you don't feel like talking, we could just play some SC2, if that's what you want. Just don't feel like you are alone, or need to make a rash decision based on how you are feeling at a specific point in time.
Remember, it took you a long time to feel this bad, and it will take time to begin feeling back to your self again as well.
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im not a doctor but im experienced with clinical depression. you can pm me on TL anytime if you want to talk or ask about anything.
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I went through a rough stage of depression a few years back, I would wholeheartedly suggest speaking with a professional. They are there to help, they aren't your parents or significant other, they want nothing but to improve your mental condition.
For me personally, I was so worried and anxious all the time, to speak with a complete stranger about my emotions and depression seemed so awkward. But it really wasn't, it was refreshing to be able to speak with someone with complete relaxation. There's no need to mention medication on here, that's something the professional will discuss with you. The brain is a complicated place, let the professionals worry about that.
I really hope you get better, please feel to reach out to me personally if you ever want to talk.
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It's possible that you have a chemical imbalance / brain defect. If your life truly is good, but you still feel depressed, then this is the reason.
Also, it is possible to have problems which would cause any sane person sadness, and also have clinical depression. They are not mutually exclusive. Clinical depression should be solved through clinical means, and normal depression should be solved by normal means (improving ones life).
One way to fix clinical depression is to use anti depressant medication. For me, it, in combination with physical and mental exercise, and being exposed to nature, worked. Now, I don't need any medication. It seemed to have fixed the problem permanently.
I simply talked talked to a doctor. I told her the truth. She offered me therapy and medication. I chose medication, and she prescribed it for me.
I'm not an expert on different kinds of medication. I just know that different ones work for different people, and have different side effects. So I recommend trying one for 6 months or so, before moving on to an other one.
If you decide to kill yourself, don't do it by drowning. It's extremely painful.
The best practical way of suicide is to shoot ones brain with a shotgun (a shotgun is better than a normal gun).
If you ever decide to do it, though, wait for a month. If you still feel like doing it by then, you can. Just don't let an impulse make you commit to a wasteful decision. If I had obeyed my impulses, I would have been dead by now. It has be a rational decision, and it has to be taken after trying other, more attractive options, like medication.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION.
If you don't, not only do you risk killing yourself for a bad reason, but you will actually suffer physical brain damage if you have untreated depression for too long.
Talk to a doctor and tell him or her the entire truth.
Good luck, man
User was temp banned for this post.
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lol did you just post suicide protips?
+ Show Spoiler +Anyway I would avoid using a shotgun on account of it making a horrible mess and being a much larger mental burden on friends family and the poor fuck who has to clean that shit up. Pretty sure an overdose on Morphin or Heroin is a better alternative for pretty much everyone involved...
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Reading all your replies is really comforting. Thank you.
What hurts the most is the fact that I can’t understand the reason for it. I don’t have any dark baggage or anything I can think of that I can relate to why these dips in mood comes from. I don’t know how many times I just cry out of despair not knowing why.
I’ll book a meeting with a psychiatrist this week and see where it leads.
Again, thanks for the kind words.
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On October 20 2015 04:32 Ventil wrote:
Reading all your replies is really comforting. Thank you.
What hurts the most is the fact that I can’t understand the reason for it. I don’t have any dark baggage or anything I can think of that I can relate to why these dips in mood comes from. I don’t know how many times I just cry out of despair not knowing why.
I’ll book a meeting with a psychiatrist this week and see where it leads.
Again, thanks for the kind words.
That's often the nature of the beast and that's what often makes it worse.
For my depression I know where it stems from and how to avoid feeling depressed from it.
Hope you get to the bottom of it.
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op, best of luck to you, but this thread should be closed before it gets trolled or filled with idiots, and you should be going to a therapist immediately. Suicide thoughts is not a deal with it when you have time thing
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cool deleuze beat me to it
go there man, good luck
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United States43962 Posts
Get help. Deluze provided some useful numbers. If people want to pm him with offers of support or whatever go ahead though.
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First of all, thanks all of you reaching out to me through pm's showing support. It means a lot for me, and I want you to know that it cheered me up a bit. TL is a fantastic community and I love you all for it.
Yesterday's total crash have now ebbed out and replaced with apathy. I've looked contact info for several therapists in my area and I'll call a few tomorrow and maybe book a meeting. Im nervous, as I don't know how this works and how I would react... But I feel it has to be done before the next great mood swing comes by...
What troubles me the most is how I should go about explaining my situation to my family and friends. I've been good at "hiding" my issues in their presence, only to break down when left alone. For all those years, I've dealt with it by myself, and I fear how people around me would react if they knew about my condition. I don't want special treatment, but knowing how my peeps are, that would certainly be the case...
The whole situation is a mess... Any advice on the matter is appreciated.
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United States43962 Posts
It's fine to keep it to yourself if that works better for you. Tell them as much or as little as you need them to know. Don't be afraid to say "I don't feel comfortable discussing that".
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Italy12246 Posts
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I got a slight idea of where your problem lies even though you don't mention it just as you don't mention it to the people close to you and it's best if you discuss it with professionals until you are strong enough to solve it.
At least I think to know what the problem is even though you don't seem to know it yourself, but I'm not going to be of much help over the web.
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EPT
