it's been awhile since I last wrote these, I actually have two planned, but just couldn't find the right moment to write them I've been unemployed now three times. Once after university, another after Berlin and now this time in Denmark. It's not so much the fear of how long the unemployment spell will last; it's really about what to do with all my free time. When I'm working, I just wish I had a bit more time with my games and now with all this free time, I get so annoyed and intolerant of games. Per year, I finish about 15 games, discounting any multiplayer games I play on a regular basis and I can only recall maybe enjoying two of them (just finished Arkham Knight; I think it's my game of 2015).
The point being is that with each dry spell of work I come into, I realize the stronger importance of having routines, projects and the need to progress. I've quit playing Dota 2 and other online games for about a month now because I realize it not only hindered my motivation to do anything else (after losing, or even winning if it was especially challenging), but that my whole day's outcome was summarized by my time spent playing.
In the Cadilliac Records movie, there is only two good songs and Beyonce sings them both beautifully. While her "At Last" rendition is much more known, her "Trust in Me" is, in my opinion, much more beautifully performed and what I love more from Beyonce (since her bits in Dream Girls).
Beyonce's rendition of 'At Last' from Etta James adds Beyonce's own flair to an otherwise great song. It's a bit faster but still keeps in tune with the strength that came from this song. If this was Peanut Butter, Etta James would be chunky as Beyonce would be creamy. I guess that's the weirdest way I can put it.
Routines With being unemployed, the emphasis on having fun in games is heavily emphasized and it's caused me to dislike games I would otherwise enjoy if I wasn't so downright discouraged about the job situation. Even with three months of financial safety (thanks to Aller's amazing package), I can't help but dwell on the coming relocation, resettling, repurchasing of furniture, computer and of course, re-acquainting with new people. I've stopped playing Super Smash, can't even look at Hearthstone, turned away from StarCraft and have always played CSGO waiting for Team Fortress 2 to finally get matchmaking (which I will probably not return to anyways). With the lack of progression happening in my daily life, that emphasis to succeed or at least win in my games is heightened, to a point where it would affect my interest in the game. That's something I don't want to risk, so I stayed off them for awhile. Returning when it is no longer central or key to my day-to-day enjoyment.
For Dota 2, I've cheated by integrating Dota 2 Hero Builds into my routine while seldom playing matches (testing builds, etc.). But because the project is on a near constant basis of being outdated, it's actually halted my other interests to do more writing (blogs) as well as analytical writings on the mindset of start-ups in esports as well as the duality of esports journalism. The way I write, it needs to build up on its own; with key phrases or subjects I want to cover. I have about 6 subjects I wanted to write about, but never got around to it because the words don't come at all. Even this blog feels forced because I felt the longer I wait; the less emotionally vested I would be to write about this transitional phase. I feel like I should be writing more insightful, but right now I'm just infinitely drained.
I'm not a huge Stevie Wonder fan. I know some of his songs, but nothing great. But I always loved Fourplay's (and Take 6's) rendition of 'Higher Ground'. When I first getting into some Jazz, I discovered Fourplay among CDs my mother had tucked away in a room. Matt Dusk, Fourplay and Miles Davis are what got me into the genre and even then, I would say I am an expert; but I would say that Jazz is my go-to for every day music.
Denmark In the meantime, I've taken some time to get to know Copenhagen, Denmark. Besides playing video games, my other enjoyment is food. In fact, I would state that there is nothing here in Denmark that I enjoy besides the food and even then; it all feels like it's something slash Danish. Even the fish from Sushi doesn't taste authentic, just imitated with Danish culinary skills (wat?). I went to Holland for their Michelin Star restaurant, Yamazato and I was fairly impressed with not only the service and traditions, but also its food which is insanely expensive, but authentic in experience. The sushi here feels more like Sushi Shop in Canada, pre-packaged or pre-made and then unrolled/cut and served. Granted, I love junk food, but only at junk food prices. Of course my second complaint about Denmark is that everything is expensive. Not enough to hurt my wallet, but enough for me to dedicate two lines of text about it.
For Sushi in Denmark, I went to: Umami (overrated piece of shit), Letz Sushi (mildly acceptable) and Sticks and Sushi (average). I have three favourite places: Mash (Steak place, almost as good as Moishe's in Montreal), Smagsloget and Kyoto (their Teppanyaki was very impressive).
Denmark though, as a whole, is mildly dull. I would say everything is small in celebration, life and activity. Their museums are interesting, their iconic monuments are tiny and if you go far enough; it becomes suburban. That said, this is perhaps the best place in Europe that I've ever lived in on a day-to-day basis. The culture and people are homogeneous, so I feel a bit of an outsider; but everything is convenient and automated. Coming from Berlin to Copenhagen is day and night. Everything is better in Copenhagen if you're okay with the lack of diversity and working with people who take their weekends and vacation days incredibly serious.
The Danes are calm, sarcastic and mellow. Even when rushed or in a hurry, their demeanor hardly changes. When things get critical; they just get quieter and focused. When they have fun, they're charming, casual and openly laugh remotely insulting to themselves. I've never felt so safe and at peace with a place since being in Montreal. Their English is not only remarkably good, I would say I almost have no restraint on word-choices minus the occasional Americanism that slips out. I would live here for a decade or more if I had the choice.
Oh and people hate the weather here, but I love it. It's windy, rainy a lot and not too hot. I can't stand the sun nor the hot weather and I thrive on rain, some snow and weather where I can wear long-sleeved stuff. A bit funny given my ethnic background, but what can I say?
Some of her songs are too much for me in terms of lyrics and themes. But I always enjoyed her songs such as Honeymoon Avenue, Too Close and My Everything. I don't follow too much about her life or even live pieces as I can't stand looking at her. But I do respect her voice, ability and catchy tunes.
Esports Not quite sure how to start this topic. So many things I love and so many things I can't stand. I am inherently jealous of a lot of aspects, despite having my own fair share of proud affairs; so this could be why I am so intolerant of certain things.
The smallest of them all is social media. I can't stand it!
I can't stand how people use it to either post ambiguous fucking posts full of passive-aggressivity; fishing for inquiries and attentions.
I can't stand how iconic community members or 'celebrities' (resist using that word) use it as their podium to either insert their opinion only seeking validation from people who have a favourable opinion of the person, regardless of the validity of their argument
I can't stand how people who remove themselves from the public forum, actively read it and then either disparage the whole community for their split personality (it's a community, it's inherently split on trivial crap) or generalize the entire community into one quality or fault.
I can't stand social media being used to highlight their pride in something so minuscule ["I just worked [and got paid, but that's implicit] 16 hours straight. ESPORTS!"]. I think this is the lesser of crimes because it doesn't harm anybody and if said person wants to be proud of that; it doesn't affect anyone and makes that person feel good. That's what matters
But it's their social media account, they can do what they want and honestly. It's pretty trivial in the grand scheme of things. It just feels contradictory when certain people have rooted from the community and now either no longer talk directly to that community (except for matters that include them) or simply talks about them in disparaging ways at after-parties or one-to-one. It feels wrong to me, but I'm no moral saint either, I have plenty of flaws or even contradictory natures that no one has had the gall to me (probably because I'm also overly-sensitive if the criticism isn't presented the right way).
There's always been weight in social media, too strong of an indicative of people who might say a lot in the public sphere without actually having necessarily a hand in the matter. Maybe I'm jealous of that because I am neither (unimpactful and also unable to force that direct attention onto me [I probably do it more implicitly in my day-to-day communication on forums]. I keep my Facebook purely for about 30 friends (and even then, have debated just deleting it) and I use Twitter to update people who are kind enough to care what I'm doing. I'm hoping for more followers so there's more people I can talk to!
What I do love about esports is that it's a direct showing of hard work paying off. Even for people not in the forefront of the public eye, they get somewhere if they play their cards right and make the compromises necessarily. It's also where my self-confidence comes from because I know I can and have worked hard. Maybe I am not where I am right now, but I can always think back and be happy with how I spent my time and what projects I got to do, despite the mistakes and burned bridges made along the way. Now if only I could get a more stable job out of esports
(that's a small chink in the armour. I've had comments made where they say I'm trying to get into esports, but in reality; it's the only offers I'm getting as I have been proactively talking to many fields in tech, gaming and esports).
I think I'll stop there. I had more to say, but I think an even balance of petty dislikes and heavy like on the essence of the esports sector seems fair.
To Another Country With that all said, I'm moving on back to the United States, West Coast for the first time. Nothing more to say yet, I'll write a new blog soon. I haven't lived in the US since I was 12-13 (I think). Haven't worked in the US since I was 14 and I'm a little nervous. Y'know, from the outside; we read a lot of the nasty things going in the US and feel a bit relieved that Europe and even Canada are a bit toned down in terms of scary things (right?). But moreover, I'm scared my newfound culture and demeanor from Canada and Europe, will clash with the sometimes abrasive and strong attitudes that Americans can sometimes have. Time will tell and I will talk to you again when that time comes.
Ray Charles' Ellie My Love is actually also done by Rockapella. Their version is eccentric, but I always enjoyed the pure vocal version of it (see spoiler). Nevertheless, beautiful song, beautiful everything
I think social media is the worst possible thing to ever come out of the 21st century. I mean, yes it's a great way to get straight, no bullshit, news from people at actual events but the amount of bullshit on social media is mind numbing.
Good luck looking for new employment. I recommend going back to school, or if you already have a degree going forward with that. After my failed stint at "esports" I went back to school and now I'm happily working away as an CODA accredited EFDA Certified Dental Assistant here in Oregon. I have plans in 4-5 to go to Hygiene school but I'm in no big rush because I have a 3 year old girl and an almost 1 year old boy. Happily married 3-1/2 years now.
I was 28 when I went back to school and finished before I turned 30. It's never too late to get a great job that you enjoy doing.
On August 17 2015 03:19 Psyonic_Reaver wrote: Welcome back to the States Torte.
I think social media is the worst possible thing to ever come out of the 21st century. I mean, yes it's a great way to get straight, no bullshit, news from people at actual events but the amount of bullshit on social media is mind numbing.
Good luck looking for new employment. I recommend going back to school, or if you already have a degree going forward with that. After my failed stint at "esports" I went back to school and now I'm happily working away as an CODA accredited EFDA Certified Dental Assistant here in Oregon. I have plans in 4-5 to go to Hygiene school but I'm in no big rush because I have a 3 year old girl and an almost 1 year old boy. Happily married 3-1/2 years now.
I was 28 when I went back to school and finished before I turned 30. It's never too late to get a great job that you enjoy doing.
Thanks, I'll be relocating in the coming months. I'm very nervous of the culture shock (and lack of public transport.)
I think social media has its value, as you know. But its convenience gives it a strong emphasis to gauge value and metrics because there is no real other equal or faster way to evaluate people, brands and subjects. As I said, I prefer it for a way to engage people more as forums and subreddits can be a bit too big to have a conversation or get a second opinion on a thought.
Every once in awhile, I think about school. I can go back to school in Switzerland for my Master's, but I never found it stimulating or interesting (never very motivated in school). Fortunately, I have a strong history of projects and expertise in esports, but I don't think that's too well-known.
I'm glad to hear you transitioned out well and have a great family, what will be next for you?
Hygiene school in 4-5 years after the kids become more independent and the wife will be finished with her degree in business administration and hopefully entrenched in a job of her choosing.
I am currently working 10-12 hour days to support the family while she's in school.
I'll be 38 when I hopefully graduate from dental hygiene and that's what I'll do until I die. =) and play video games with my wife.
On August 18 2015 10:17 Psyonic_Reaver wrote: Hygiene school in 4-5 years after the kids become more independent and the wife will be finished with her degree in business administration and hopefully entrenched in a job of her choosing.
I am currently working 10-12 hour days to support the family while she's in school.
I'll be 38 when I hopefully graduate from dental hygiene and that's what I'll do until I die. =) and play video games with my wife.
Masters or Bachelor's? I actually know very little about BA, but I was told that it's actually a very good degree (there's MBA and then there's Masters of Business Administration, right?). That actually sounds pretty good and hygiene school is no joke either (my hygiene is, however, laughably unattractive).
Does it feel like 10-12 hours. I used to do similar, but it was just a mix of school and my projects back then; so it's not the same pressure or obligation whatsoever.
What do you guys play together? I actually prefer a girlfriend who does not do esports or play games.
I work 6am to 6 or 7pm 4 days a week. Sometimes 5 days a week.
Wife has a bachelor's, working on another bachelor's to complement the 1st one for Business.
We play casual xbox games. Borderlands. Oblivion. Hearthstone. Might get Diablo 3 to split screen. She still has no real idea how into esports I used to be and what I accomplished during that time.
Sad fact. Nobody gives a shit in the real world about my casting/MC/analytical abilities. All the tech issues I had to figure out about streaming before streaming was mainstream. How to split your sound card to record mic and ingame sounds at the same time via raw ugly coding and brute forcing the system. Now a days it's a few clicks haha. In the gaming/esports world I have an impressive resume in my opinion but it has no use in the real world when that all ends.
If I could do it over. I would have stayed in college instead of doing esports. I would be more financially stable but I do have lots of good memories during my stint in it. I can look back with no regrets and say I tried and never wonder "what if".
On August 19 2015 08:07 Psyonic_Reaver wrote: I work 6am to 6 or 7pm 4 days a week. Sometimes 5 days a week.
Wife has a bachelor's, working on another bachelor's to complement the 1st one for Business.
We play casual xbox games. Borderlands. Oblivion. Hearthstone. Might get Diablo 3 to split screen. She still has no real idea how into esports I used to be and what I accomplished during that time.
Sad fact. Nobody gives a shit in the real world about my casting/MC/analytical abilities. All the tech issues I had to figure out about streaming before streaming was mainstream. How to split your sound card to record mic and ingame sounds at the same time via raw ugly coding and brute forcing the system. Now a days it's a few clicks haha. In the gaming/esports world I have an impressive resume in my opinion but it has no use in the real world when that all ends.
If I could do it over. I would have stayed in college instead of doing esports. I would be more financially stable but I do have lots of good memories during my stint in it. I can look back with no regrets and say I tried and never wonder "what if".
Isn't it better to get a Master's instead of two Bachelor's? I was told so, but I never truly looked into it as education never interested me (I have a degree in a social science field, so it's not challenging for anyone whatsoever).
My father emails me about wanting to buy a PS4 or Xbox. I wish Madden was on PC so I could just build him a PC and set him up with all the games he usually likes (Dirt for example). Your wife sounds pretty hardcore, I had an ex-girlfriend who was just awful at video games. Loved her to bits for many, many years; but after her, I much prefer women who do not play games or know esports. I think I like people and things separated, isolated from one another. Have your kids gotten any into any games yet?
I'm actually facing a similar issue where I have a very applicable background and experience in gaming and esports (for more corporate gaming companies, they downplay your ability and experience to start you out at a lower position) but absolutely nothing outside, barely a squeak.
I think with your experience and background, it's all about generalities and results that can be translated to related positions in/out of gaming. Though, that is my point-of-view which hasn't necessarily been true for myself.
I come from a very 'careful' family where no one takes risk without doubling-down on security. I stuck with school and build experience during my studies. There's a famous quote about regret that goes something like: "Never regret anything you have done with a sincere affection; nothing is lost that is born of the heart.". I never liked the idea that esports was a 'leap of faith' kind of idea. I'm very sure back then it was, with even less success than what esports can establish now, but the notion always made me feel very sad that for all those who persevered, there were those who didn't get the same return for their efforts, dedication and devotion.
[*] I can't stand social media being used to highlight their pride in something so minuscule ["I just worked [and got paid, but that's implicit] 16 hours straight. ESPORTS!"]. I think this is the lesser of crimes because it doesn't harm anybody and if said person wants to be proud of that; it doesn't affect anyone and makes that person feel good. That's what matters
[/list]
etc....
are these things different in some way that im missing?!?!?!
I can't stand social media being used to highlight their pride in something so minuscule ["I just worked [and got paid, but that's implicit] 16 hours straight. ESPORTS!"]. I think this is the lesser of crimes because it doesn't harm anybody and if said person wants to be proud of that; it doesn't affect anyone and makes that person feel good. That's what matters
are these things different in some way that im missing?!?!?!
Yes, they are explicitly different from the examples I'm giving. But it's good that's the only thing you want to take away from the blog, shows character.
and yes that was the only part of the blog i took issue with, hence i brought it up. do you want 20 lines of congratulations and validation of ur efforts to make up for the rest of it?
On August 21 2015 21:21 ahswtini wrote: mind explaining how they are different?
and yes that was the only part of the blog i took issue with, hence i brought it up. do you want 20 lines of congratulations and validation of ur efforts to make up for the rest of it?
I want a conversation like I had with everyone else posting here and from before [for the past 5 years]. Not constant antagonism and sarcasm from you for nearly half a year. I don't think I've ever had you speak about or to me in any way but to either tease or antagonize. Even when you give feedback or ideas, it's with hostility and passive-aggression.
On January 27 2015 18:43 Torte de Lini wrote: I'll ask my parents when they wake up. It sounds a bit strange that shoveling snow is more risky than any other physical activity in the morning snow (so don't go skiing?) than other activities.
Unless, you're saying that shoveling snow is the same risk level as other typical activities done in the morning (cross-country skiing, log cutting, whatever).
edit: what I'm trying to say is, does the action of shoveling snow have an inherent risk higher than any other activity done in the morning of a cold winter day and if so, by how much? To add, is it shoveling snow that puts you more at risk or simply the circumstances of the weather/time of day and upper-body labour.
holy shit torte
i read it on the bbc
not fucking Pubmed
why don't you look into this and report back with a 10,000 word essay
On March 13 2015 09:40 ahswtini wrote: i was on my 2k friend's account
streaming disaster trio, dunno why my webcam says pOWER SURGE ON USB PORT or something whatever boys
watch out, u have a torte de lini electrical fire on ur hands
Third time you reference this joke, almost months later. If we dig into the Hero Builds topic, you come across even more directly (the above I would consider not so bad) aggressive.
Every time, my god. I'm on the brink of insanity with the amount of errors, bugs and flaws this system persists for two years. Everyone's quit doing hero builds because their guides either got desynced and lost, hasn't figured out how to add more than one tab to a guide (hint: reload the guide after saving) or simply don't want to deal with a cloud server that loads 8 builds a page and can sometimes be unable to publish a build because of some random error.
So frustrating, really kills the drive.
make another big blog about it and put it on reddit
On July 28 2015 21:55 ahswtini wrote: how many ppl have to tell u that bfury is not core before u will listen?? every dumbass pub pa that goes bfury first is on u now. how much time do u waste buying bfury first, which gives enemy supports more time to buy ghosts/forces/glimmers, and enemy cores more time to buy bkb/mkb
and how is maxing dagger a mana issue? theres actually no reason not to max dagger
On July 28 2015 22:25 ahswtini wrote: dont make me write a big blog about it
What's the problem with Torte when he's not talking about his big project?
this is a difficult question to answer, its like asking me if i wud like lamb if it wasnt lamb
On September 14 2015 22:04 ahswtini wrote: thats good, as long as u dont start writing blogs about how u want money for ur contributions to dota but dont actually want money
On November 06 2015 12:45 ChunderBoy wrote: lol wtf is this mountain climbing meme quote
Beesa show some respect if youre going to post on my blog or dont post.
u can just torte de lini his ass and ban him from ur blog ez
So essentially, you read my post, don't have anything else to say except what you disagree with and sifted through my public tweets (literally the pinned one, which I post every 15 days) and seek out to show me as some sort of [naturally] flawed human being? That was your sole goal and all that effort for one singular purpose to call me out?
On top of that, you don't think that giving a response that is balanced with both negative and genuine interest (not necessarily positive, both showing an interest in someone beyond perceived 'flaws' is normal behavior) is something fair to ask? Look at the previous posts: one of them is just passing by and the other doesn't congratulate me but merely gives advice or suggestions. Then I flipped the conversation onto his life because it sounded like he had a lot of interesting things to say. You don't want any of that, you literally just want to call me out in front of no one.
If you don't even want to converse but be proven stubbornly 'right' why would I indulge that behavior when you don't indulge the civility of mine (being frank about my situation, some things I dislike and some music)? I would be happy to answer your question if you came across better and with less intent on arguing. They are different in many aspects.
I'm going to ban you from this blog and stop acknowledging your posts. Whatever good you do is completely obfuscated by your sarcastic and negative attitude.
I warned you before that you can talk to me how you want, I will just treat you with equal liberty. From here on, I won't be acknowledging your posts. You are the top three people that make LiquidDota completely unenjoyable. I get less flack and antagonism from Reddit than from LD and I have completely stopped posting in most topics on LD where you frequent.
On July 28 2015 23:25 ahswtini wrote: i like hotd cuz it lets u jungle and stay at full health ready to tp and fight whenever. i try and find a wildwing and stack a hard camp then farm it with the help of tornado, or stack and farm ancients if u did go bfury route.
max blur was probs to let u trade hits with the offlaner. and often with a support assist, u only need one blink strike to kill. that was also the era of many juggs and trolls.
and i will talk with u however i want, deal with it.
I respond to those who are civil and helpful without unwarranted antagonism, whether in jest or not. Talk how you want, the behavior will be met (if any) with equal liberty.
I can't stand social media being used to highlight their pride in something so minuscule ["I just worked [and got paid, but that's implicit] 16 hours straight. ESPORTS!"]. I think this is the lesser of crimes because it doesn't harm anybody and if said person wants to be proud of that; it doesn't affect anyone and makes that person feel good. That's what matters
long and/or irregular hours, (frequently) shitty pay compared to other fields, the average person doesn't understand what you're working on... sometimes it's nice to have external validation
I can't stand social media being used to highlight their pride in something so minuscule ["I just worked [and got paid, but that's implicit] 16 hours straight. ESPORTS!"]. I think this is the lesser of crimes because it doesn't harm anybody and if said person wants to be proud of that; it doesn't affect anyone and makes that person feel good. That's what matters
long and/or irregular hours, (frequently) shitty pay compared to other fields, the average person doesn't understand what you're working on... sometimes it's nice to have external validation
Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking as well. I actually am not sure why it bothers me, maybe jealousy?
That's why I don't think it's not really that bad because in the end, it doesn't hurt anyone and if your followers/friends/fans want to indulge you; who cares?
On August 22 2015 05:00 Alur wrote: I think we need a 1v1 mid here.
Also I've met Torte IRL AMA.
Bought you a coke you sellout
On August 22 2015 23:16 Apoteosis wrote: Wow man keep it up, you'll soon get a new job. Good luck!
Thanks!
On August 23 2015 04:04 Psyonic_Reaver wrote: You can ban him from your blog. This is your space, if you don't want him here prevent him from posting in your blog.
Yep, from the get-go. I think it's unfair to silence people, but he made it abundantly clear his intentions were. It's too bad he's reveling in the feeling rather than actually understanding how awful his behavior his (to me, not in general).
Welcome back state-side, Torte. I hope you can find a nice and stable job and and settle in well. I wouldn't worry overly much about abrasive American attitudes, though I bet the culture shock is going to be very, very real. But people are people, and you're a people person . I've enjoyed seeing you around TL in the past couple years, you've always been a strong and consistent poster and a presence in the scene. It's amazing seeing different community members remain grounded while I'm still lurking, and slowly growing up. Your voice and opinions are read and appreciated.
Your descriptions of eSport and social media are spot on. It feels all too petty, in a way. IMO what it reflects are the growing pains of a infant industry...shades of professionalism are always the last thing to emerge, but they're there, in varying degrees. In the background.
My experience with SC2 as a student mirrors your own in DotA. Lack of structure is killer. I tried hard to improve with varying degrees of structure / success, and ultimately it killed my enjoyment of the game. Being a silent watcher of LOTV, there's a lot which I agree and disagree with in the design direction, but it feels worthless to post about it. My thoughts about what I'd like SC to be are hardcore...they run so far against standing norms and the current direction of LOTV that detailing them feels like a waste of time. In the back of my mind, I recognize that I'm burnt out. Even if the game were to be designed exactly as I desire, I likely won't bother diving into it again.
All games are starting to feel that way to me, now. I break apart the structure...the plot and pacing...the core mechanics...and in the end I get this wishy-washy feeling of sameness in my gut. I've come to interpret that as meaning my time with video games has come to an end. So I play the occasional puzzle game, and have otherwise stopped playing the games I used to play.
I guess that just means it's time to find another hobby to occupy my time .
EPT
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/cjYu0Cr.png)
. I've enjoyed seeing you around TL in the past couple years, you've always been a strong and consistent poster and a presence in the scene. It's amazing seeing different community members remain grounded while I'm still lurking, and slowly growing up. Your voice and opinions are read and appreciated. 
