When I started this whole crazy ass dream of wanting to go pro, I knew it was going to be a failure. Just for the simple fact I am gonna go to college in a year and possibly follow something I may not even have enough passion enjoy as much as I have been playing starcraft. But, something I have been struggling with something that has followed me for a number of years now. Its rage. Not times of being upset or fits anger, it has been full on rage. It was less frequent when I was younger, but it has gotten to the point where little things will force me into shelling up and throwing my game face on, so I don't show just how fucking pissed off I am.
Some days I can barely make it through the day without out quietly snapping to myself. My homies on skype hear me freak out in little bursts, my parents catch a little through those mini explosions, but it is much worse than I care to ever let on. I used to wonder what caused it, but now I know. It is just my situation. I don't want to bitch and moan to much so I won't get into specifics, and frankly I just don't feel comfortable sharing the specifics. I feel blessed to have the knowledge that what ever shit hand I have been dealt, no matter how extreme it may be or is perceived, someone is always waste deep in shit while your only at your ankles. It helps, but only so much knowing that I don't have it to horribly off. But, all the stresses of home is finally broke through my shell and now lives in there, occasionally bursting out. It honestly used to never be this bad, and I don't know what broke the camels back, but it is now out of hand. The reason I brought up starcraft, just to tie it together, is that it really helped me - at first - fight and deal with this anger. It helped me figure out how to deal with it and work through it. I can't finish games. I have a steam library of 90 something games and I have only finished 5 of them. with about 30 or so being games without end, it is still a lot of unfinished stories. That is because of my anger.
I would hit a point where it would be slightly too challenging for a moment and the game gets dropped for months. Hell I have owned Morrowind since 2012 and I still haven't finished it and I am almost done. But, my easily triggered anger gets the better of me. But, Starcraft was different. It is the only game I have played since this whole thing started where I can keep pushing through it. It was amazing. I could actually continue something, build on it, improve, and that is just amazing to me. But this hasn't just affected me from playing epic games, but from improving myself. From programming to building stuff, I just can't do it. I get to fucking mad to finsh it. Now before I continue I would like to state I haven't hurt anyone. I just can't stand to harm others. I will admit to throwing some pretty nasty words, but I have maybe attacked someone 2 times. That was my brother who treated me like absolute shit. And I mean like physically harmed me by throwing objects at my head.
But I digress, either way it isn't like that with SC2 anymore. I finally got into plat after the ladder changes and it is just frustrating the hell out of me. I play the game to out do myself, and when I can't do that it pisses me off. With the new ladder system this is how it has been. Ok you won 2 out of 3 plats who were playing unranked, have some silver leagues. Oh you beat them all except for one guy who DT rushed or roach all ined, cool here are some diamonds and a masters, which is are all unranked and off racing. Cool you lost lets do this all over again for about 2 weeks and then you will get gold after gold where 1 loss out of 10 sends you back to no league and silver leaguers.
I am not writing this over that, even Blizz come on what the literal fuck. I am writing this because it is killing a dream. Not of necessarily pro gaming, even though I would like to maybe one day get there, but a dream of just getting better and improving one self by means of something difficult. I want to get good, but It has gotten to the point where I can't even do that anymore because I have no way to push through my anger. Some are going to say that SC2 maybe causing it. It isn't SC, it can cause it sometimes, but is by far not the problem. Everything is frustrating, it just can magnify with me. I wrote this because I didn't know what else to do besides get it off my chest. I have nothing that I can effectively channel it through because of the crap with SC, and, even though talking about it now it will be back tomorrow, I am just happy to get rid of it for now. It a bag of stones that I lug around that constantly hit me in the back of the head, but I can't just leave them on the side of the road and continue walking.
Either way thanks to all who finished this for reading this wall of text. As well thanks to those who not only read this, but was able to maybe give constructive advice or share their problems as well.
Sorry I can't specify exactly what is causing my issues, but I feel like what my problems are need to handled at home and should stay off the internet. Sounds dumb, but this is just something that I just feel comfortable sharing. Again, thanks to all who read this and I hope to hear from all of you soon.
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Some anger is normal and inevitable - and not a big issue, but explosions of rage over small issues point to deeper underlying problems. The best advice is probably to identify and address those root causes.
But that's not always easy to do. And it often takes time. In the meantime, make sure you are taking care of yourself physically - eating, sleeping, and exercising normally and healthily. This is extremely important, especially during particularly stressful or difficult times. Exercise in particular will help enormously if you aren't doing it regularly already.
Don't try to find an outlet for your rage - like a controlled situation where it's okay to let your anger and negative emotions go wild. But do try to find relaxing hobbies or calm situations that allow you to work through your anger and issues.
If you really feel like you are out of control, call some clinics or organizations in your community and ask them to refer you to somewhere that you can go to get professional help.
A lot of places (including reputable hospitals and universities like Harvard) recommend some secular meditation techniques: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness-based_stress_reduction
Good luck.
Edit: You may also be interested in this fact: children who complete a task and are told "good work, you are smart!", and are then offered a choice between a difficult task and an easy task, overwhelmingly prefer to try the easy task. They want to be told they are smart again, which makes them afraid of failure, which makes them afraid of the difficult task. On the other hand, children told "Good job! You worked really hard on that!" after completing a task and given the same choice prefer the more difficult task, because it will allow them to work even harder.
How does this apply to you? Think about whether your own self-image, and the image you think others have of you, depends more on adjectives or verbs. Are you concerned more with being "smart" etc... or with "working hard"? Part of your frustration might come from the high pressure generated by an unreasonable self-image, or by the image you are trying to maintain or feel pressured to maintain for others.
Obviously I don't know anything about you, so none of that may be true. Just a thought.
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Hey,
obviously, resolving the problems that are causing your anger would be ideal, but since you didn't give any specifics (purposefully; and that's OK) I can only tell you, what used to help me in my times of anger.
Get out. Go for a walk in the forest. Catch you bicycle and explore you home area - you will be surprised how little you know. Climb a mountain, swim in a river (it's actually quite different from swimming in a lake). To me - and I believe that's true for many others - sounds of nature are very calming and peaceful: birdsong, wind in the trees, gurgling water etc.
I'm being totally honest here. You would be surprised what relief it can be to just get out of the mess for a little while. :-)
Oh, and when your ankle-load of shit feels like a waist-load of shit, it can help to not think about yourself but about others. Maybe your 90 year old neighbor needs some help with gardening work? There is always stuff you can do for others (best: strangers).
I know this was not much but I wish you good luck with your problems. Maybe you can find someone you are comfortable with talking about it in detail.
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Thank you both, I just came back to check and thanks a lot for your advice. I am gonna try to find better ways to just distress. To Textual, in regards to "If you really feel like you are out of control, call some clinics or organizations in your community and ask them to refer you to somewhere that you can go to get professional help." I have been considering starting therapy to more explore this. While I do think I have an idea of what it is, honestly having professional help will probably give me a better chance of working out my issues. And to Aknopf, I used to do this kind of stuff. But, over the years I have trouble being physically alone, ei I get freaked when I am by myself for too long, and helping strangers I have social anxiety, but I didn't say this to say your wrong, but to say thanks for reminding me of when I did do some of those things and that helped me when I was a child. Maybe I can use that to help with my other problems aswell as the anger one.
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EPT
