Self Discovery and Happiness Through Gaming

Like you, when I first got in to StarCraft, I was young, younger than you were in fact. I was about eleven, and there was only one game on the computer I cared to play; StarCraft: Brood War. I was young, uncoordinated and all and all pretty terrible at the game, but I loved playing it, especially with friends. Now I am quite a bit older than you, being twenty five, my biggest problem was insuring no one picked up the phone, which would in turn sever my dial-up internet connection. I never really thought much of the volume to which I played the game, or what impact it might have. The game was filled with making good memories and having fun. I have the distinct memory of the look of horror on my mother's face as I watched the closing cinematic of SC:BW which, still makes me laugh to think about.

Later WarCraft 3 came out, and like a fish to water, I took naturally to the game and loved every second of it. Here is where our stories get similar. I was thirteen when this game came out, and my only concern was playing it as much as possible. I was in desperate awe of anyone who had a high rating in the 20's, and could not fathom a way in which they could achieve such a feet. However, before I could become immersed in any competitive sense in to WarCraft this thing called DotA came along. If you did not know, the original place of origin for DotA was as WC3 mod custom map, and man, did I love playing this thing. I played many of the custom lane defense games but DotA (like many others) was my favorite. This, this is where the competitive nature of gaming first took rest in me. I wanted to play and I wanted to win.

The volume to which I consumed this game is hard to grasp. I spent every moment I did not have to be doing something else, doing this. Of course, I still managed a decent social life, and the nature of my school was that it required little excess effort outside of completing assignments but it was not rare for me to cast everything else aside to play this game. Combined with insomnia, my life became a series of late nights, after school naps and WC3 DotA. A lot like SC:BW I was never any good, but the beginnings of that "I have to be better" feeling started right here.

It was not until a couple years later that I realized that what I had unearthed was, what I now know to be an extremely addictive personality. When I take to something, or enjoy it, I can become boarder line obsessed. To be quite honest, I am glad it was a video game that taught me this lesson and not something worse.

For the sake of a failed attempt at brevity I will fast forward a bit. I lived most of my teens with the understanding that I had to avoid anything that could become extremely destructive when combine with my addictive personality. High school graduation came and went and University quickly started, first year goes by and I have a bit of a break down and restructuring in my life. Made the brash decision to change degrees, jobs and break up with a girl friend over the course of about 48 hours. What I had learned now, was that if I did no have one of those hobbies that activates this addictive behavior, I became viciously unhappy. I actually stay in this rut an incredibly long time, I mean a really, really long time. It was about two years ago that I finally gave in to that personal reality and tried to embrace the need for an addicting hobby in a positive light. However, lets not get too ahead of our selves/

Suddenly it is 2009, and possibly one of those most exciting moments of my life occurs. StarCraft 2 was announced. I preorder the game, like many before it even had a release date or a finalized price. I didn't care, that game carried more nostalgic memories than I could ever count. I saved and bought a custom gaming PC, a lot like you so I could play it on optimal settings from the moment I got it. In the hype leading up to the game and Beta release, I did nothing but watch HDStarCraft and Husky videos day in and day out. I literally could not get enough content, and I always had to have more. This time frame is when it first dawned on me that, eSports content creation is something I could do, something I wanted to do.

The game comes out, I play it, a lot, I love it so of course, I play it even more. I become a hug Day[9] fan and try my hand to start making content in late 2010. As you have never heard of me, you can tell the success I had. Sadly still in that rut I previously mentioned, I was easily discouraged and never supported to try these things, make something of them. My laddering fell off and my interest began to dwindle as the people in my life made me to feel that this was nothing but a time sink.

There was a brief moment of optimism in here and maybe my most memorable moment from this part of my life. A friend of mine moves from one side of the country to the other and one day I get a text. She was astounded as a person 2000 Km away was talking about me, by name on a bus she was currently riding. He was talking about Saga of a StarCraft player, a blip show I was making at the time. I have never and have you to feel since, such intense satisfaction as I did in that moment. For a brief moment, I knew that making content was something I could do that I enjoyed, that brought others joy whether I heard about it or not.

Regardless of that pleasant pit stop, in 2011 I eventually abandon StarCraft 2 entirely (revisiting briefly fo HotS) and focus on League of Legends. The game fills the same void, but in a more vicious and socially engaging way. Old Battle.net 2.0 was a social disappointment, and possibly if its original social settings had been easier and more inviting I may have gotten that support and never veered to LoL. Now, Battle.net is incredibly inviting comparatively and although there is always room for improvement I am glad they made the changes they have. But I was already sunk in to LoL, but also still sunk in my rut. I find a brief uplifting phase with a group of people I made a content channel with on YouTube called The House of League (or LoL). That channel actually showed potential, but unfortunately numerous life events that I need not go in to too much detail about shattered both my friendships, and life in general at the time. In 2012 I abandon LoL for over a year as I take a serious look at my life and what I need to do to make my self happy.

This entire time I had been back and forth with degrees, in and out of two serious relationships but felt all I had learned so far in my early twenties, was what I was not happy doing. In 2013 I decide to make no compromises in pursuing the things I enjoy. I made endless compromises to family and friends to put what they thought I should be doing or wanted me to do ahead of my own desires. I came back to LoL first, but after a solid effort over the course of a year, I realized that any game where I am only 20% responsible for the out come of a game is not what I really am about competitively. I still think the game is a shit ton of fun, which is why I continue to play it, just not in any real competitive sense. I started posting content to The House of League (LoL) again over that year and was enjoying it, even if it was not garnering the most interest as the LoL content market was over saturated by this time.

Finally not too long ago 2014 Blizzcon happened and Legacy of the Void was announced. My nostalgia explodes and its like 2010 all over again. Why did I ever leave this game? I could have been so much better by now if I stuck with it, I could be have had so much more community experience, exposure, expertise in content creation.

The answer was pretty simple, I was ashamed. When you think to your self that what you are doing is a waste, unproductive or menacing you do your self no service. Social pressures make you think these things are true, I spent five or six years in a state of cognitive dissonance trying to balance what I enjoyed doing as being worth doing and also thinking that it was pointless, trivial a frivolous hobby. My addictive compulsion would never let me totally stop. I always have to have that strategy game fix, but I was never totally comfortable dedicating my self to it out of pure social shame.

Now, I have said "fuck it" and have since poured hours of time and a great deal of finances in to doing what I want to be doing and I have never in my life been happier. I spend as much free time as I can manage playing SC2 as well a few other games and making content related to them. I could care less if I ever become famous or rich, it just brings me the greatest joy just to get to do it. I am quite honestly for the first time not entirely sure about the security of my financial future on a month to month basis but I really do not care. I will make it work as long as I get to keep doing the things that make me smile on a day to day basis.

So my advice to you is that you shrug off any idea that you have to come to a compromise between what those around you think you should do, and what you want to do. The result is you will soon find your life beginning to fill with people who are like minded and support you in what ever your undertakings might be.

Your currently track is a really interesting idea, but I think you are simply trekking down a path you hope will make others happy more than your self. Go full boar and live the dream you want to see become a reality with no shame and all of your conviction.