EPTIt was a horrible time for me, being dumped was like having limb ripped out of me. Once again, I was alone, cast out by the only person that truly understood me. I felt worthless and empty. No, it didn’t get better. Why oh why does she’s so happy after the break up, she’s spoiled for choice, while I’m all alone. It’s so unfair. Just wish she’d fucking die.
For a few months I didn’t see a point in doing anything except see her. She was still dating me, amongst other things (people). Gym sessions were pointless, eating was pointless, school was just to pass time. I'd stay on my phone and wait for text messages that were few and far in between. Every moment I wasn't by her side irked the shit outta me. Man did it hurt, I stayed in my room for two weeks after she decided (for the second time) she didn't want to see me anymore.
Skipping too many classes caught up to me and I was on the verge of being kicked out of school, again. The tutor in charge of my administrative matters, the new one, started looking through my records and realised that I’ve been pretty much like this all three years. Skipping classes and barely scraping my way through every semester. He was shocked that the previous tutor didn’t inform my parents, or give a shit for that matter. When my dad got up to speed with my school performance, I never heard the end of it. Then again I’d never hear the end of it from my dad anyway, but that’s a story for another time.
I was going through a rough time, I guess you could say that I hit rock bottom. Probably something that’s been a long time coming, caused a combination of child abuse, depravation and being a huge ass to anyone who’s tried to be friends with me. My tutor advised me to take a year off school and sort my self out. So that’s what I did. Fuck school anyway right?
Other than seeing a psychologist the last year, I didn’t do much. The first few months were spent going to the gym at night, because my ex told me she liked guys who go to the gym, watching Destiny stream into the wee hours of the morning, and sleeping through the day. I also partied till the morning three times a week for most of the year.
That was definitely no way to live, but you don’t know, what you don’t know.
A big portion of the time I took off was spent reflecting. I learnt a lot of things about myself, and I’ll share three of the them.
The first thing I learned about was grit. I am weak. I spent most of my life doing everything in my power to avoid doing anything. In my earlier years, with my psychotic mother, everything really wasn’t that much. Aside from pretending that I had diarrhoea in the toilet, faking illnesses to skip school or cancel tuition with my favourite 11 fingered mandarin tutor that caned me. Oh dear do I still remember those days I spent peering out of the window in my room, looking out for the dreaded blue car and red car. The blue Lexus RX400h was my mother’s car, and the red nissan sunny was the tutor’s car.
This progressively got worse. My mother started caring less; she was too busy going out with Ferrari guy to bother. Besides, when bother means using the stick, its easy. My parents split and I stayed with my dad. My grades nose dived. While at the time I thought it was there greatest thing ever, I realise now that the split did indeed have a profound effect on me. Aside from the effect that can be attributed to my dad venting his post-divorce grievances on me that is. I was a grade A english student. Top of the level at one point, and in a pretty prestigious school too! Writing was something that came easily. I didn’t have to think, I just wrote. I’ve never written less than two essays during an exam since the split. I’d write something for an hour. Tear it up. Write something else. Then tear it up again. I blanked out a lot during essay writing, something that’s never happened to me before. I’d never be able to make up my mind on anything, spend hours at home staring up at my ceiling after school thinking sad thoughts, probably lashed out at people in school too. I know that many hated me in school.
I took up fencing for many years, I was never a good fencer, but I understood the game better than most. My mental weakness showed most when I was fencing; I’d do well in training, but then came competition time and it was all weak arms are heavy, mom’s spaghetti. I quit after fencing for 5 years as I felt it was a cul de sac.
A weak mind will always produce a weak body. It was only after taking strength training that I realised how weak I truly was. I was incapable of sticking to a diet or a training program, constantly program hopping, looking for the next ‘weird tip’. Oh I feel sore today, probably should skip a day to rest. I ate pretty well for the most of the day, so I deserve a snack now. I can’t put my finger on when or where it hit me, but one day I learned that the end game isn’t as important as enjoying the process. I picked a simple training program that I could follow, a simple nutrition program that I could comply, and my lifts sky-rocketed after. Sure I’m not strong but I’m stronger than before, and one day I’ll be strong. I know it. Pick something you want to do, enjoy doing it and stick with it. Fucking stick with it. That’s what I learned about grit.
The second thing I learned was about relationships. I was so blindsided on the little things, on the technicalities of my failed relationship. Why wasn’t I good enough for her? What’s the other guy got that’s better than me? Will I ever be good enough?
Yeah she’s a fucking manipulative, materialistic bitch. So what? Feel good now?
I was hurt by her, because I let her in. Feelings don’t last, people will hurt you, people will use you. When it comes to love, you don’t own anything past your own feelings and choices. Your partner has her/his own will, dreams, values, outlook on life. You have absolutely no control over that, but what you do have total control over, is the person you choose to let into your life. In my opinion, love is a commitment. After all your mother loves you, and I’m sure you love your mother too, but you don’t want to fuck her. Right? Love is when someone sticks with you through thick and thin. That’s love to me and I’ll never let anyone tell me different.
Yeah she’s a fucking manipulative, materialistic bitch. But you knew that.
Pick people that are worth it, kick out all the shit heads. People who don’t appreciate you, who belittle you, who look down on you. I’m paraphrasing Jim Carrey really nailed it when he said that, “No one’s going to be bigger than you in your life.”
I’ve heard before that a single event usually doesn’t have a permanent effect on a person’s emotional state. Unhappy people who win the lottery end up unhappy after a while, happy people who lose limbs in an accident stay happy.
No it won’t make you happy. That’s the final thing I learned. Haven’t we said to ourselves, “If I can just get that, I’ll be happy.”
My thing was my ex-girlfriend of course. The phrase ‘You complete me’ is very sweet, but at the same time a person that needs something to complete himself really needs to take reflect at his life. “I don’t want to be unhappy again, I just want to get her back,” I’d often tell myself.
While my relationship did make me happier overall, it was the only thing that I had going for me. I absolutely detested my family, my school mates and school. I used my ex-girlfriend as a bandaid to forget about all my other problems. Man did it hurt when it came apart.
Don’t ask me the secret to happiness though, I’m still figuring that out. After all, you don’t know what you don’t know.
