EPTOn December 19 2012 14:51 CyDe wrote:
Requesting a two-day ban to try and work on a thousand post blog. Yeah that's right, prepare yourselves.
Or maybe a one week? I don't know. Surprise me.
User was temp banned for this post.
Requesting a two-day ban to try and work on a thousand post blog. Yeah that's right, prepare yourselves.
Or maybe a one week? I don't know. Surprise me.
User was temp banned for this post.
CyDe was just temp banned for 2 days by EvilTeletubby.
That account was created on 2011-11-21 01:25:48 and had 999 posts.
Reason: This better be epic.
That account was created on 2011-11-21 01:25:48 and had 999 posts.
Reason: This better be epic.
Well… it’s been a bit more than two days. 551, to be exact.
Let me assure you, this wasn’t intentional. I really didn’t mean to disappear like I did. Believe me, it was painful enough in the period when I wasn’t posting but still coming to TeamLiquid. Seeing everyone still interact and talk in my favorite threads, the High Thread, the Automated Ban List, all the topics in the General Forum, it was hard. I wanted to post, but I had to live up to tradition and make a real 1000 post blog. But, as it often does, procrastination led to more procrastination and as time passed on I really had nothing to show for it. I wanted to do something awesome, something with real dedication, an “epic” blog that would satisfy even the grand ETT. Yet in my pursuit of that goal I succeeded only in starting, restarting, and never finishing anything. Even with no true results, the process was exhausting, and I quickly lost motivation. I’d sit there with a blank Google Document open and quickly delete anything I tried to begin with because I felt it wasn't good enough.
So now I’m trying to just go for it, take the fucking plunge, so I can finally come back to one of my favorite websites of all time. This may not be my best writing, unfortunately. But, honestly, I’m trying to get this out of the way.
I miss TL. You guys have seen me through a lot, and even in what you haven’t seen, you've silently supported me. Shit was really fucked up before I left. I was spiraling downward in a way that is hard to properly convey. I was unbelievably hopeless, and I truly didn't believe I would make it to this point in my life. I won’t try claim that TL was my one escape, like it was some panacea that left all of my depression, anxiety, mood issues, self-esteem issues, and suicidal thoughts behind me. I’d be bullshitting hardcore if I said that. But there was something about a forum like this that was really comforting. I guess it was that I could feel a sense of community in it, feel engaged in it and have stake in my reputation on the website, but I got to leave most of the things that were troubling me in real life behind. It’s a bit corny, but I could become “a different person.” Reinvent my identity, or something.
Even after all of this time, after one year, six months, and four days, typing just the letter “t” into my Chrome address bar instantly brings up “teamliquid.net” as a suggestion. I haven’t visited in over a year, and it’s still there. That provokes a substantial amount of emotion for me. Though then again, I am listening to Mono right now and that makes everything seem really profound.
+ Show Spoiler +
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Py2O5dv.png)
Quickly glancing at the ABL right now, I’m a little unsettled. There is no one I remember anymore. If any of you guys are reading this, I hope you still visit TL as often as you used to. I’m actually pretty hesitant to go to the TL-ABL IRC room, because I’m afraid no one I know will be there anymore. I’ll do my best to remember all of your names… solidbebe, Anacletus, JOJOsc2news, DivinO (of course), CreatorGX, Aerisky, RedJustice, Cokefreak, daphreak (I don’t remember your capitalization pattern), jdseemoreglass… Jaaaaasper! How I could I forget Jasper. Oh, and Marttorn. Boy did he ever leave a mark in my mind. If I didn't mention anyone, I'm sorry, it's been a while.
All you guys (and girl), I want you to know that you have really helped me out. I mean that. Especially in 2012. That was a rough year for me, a lot of great things happened, and a lot of shitty things happened. Having this group of friends, people I never met (well except Red and DivinO) and very well may never meet, who were funny, interesting, caring, that was incredible. As I mentioned, I could separate my real life, which I was so unhappy with, from my interactions with all of you. In a way, I may have been lying to some degree, because I'm probably pretty different online than I am in person. But I liked who I was with you people, and I liked whoever you were as well, even if it was different from your offline personality.
I'd like to imagine that to some degree I've done the same for you.
I know this sounds a bit bizarre, but I legitimately think that I loved you guys. Perhaps that’s a bit of a dramatic way to put it, but I don’t know. I trusted you, I always looked forward to talking to you, I was really open and vulnerable with you, and I did have the urge to impress all of you. Don’t be too freaked out, I promise I won’t make any unexpected sexual advances (except maybe with DivinO).
Even with the people I didn't get close to, I really loved posting on here, talking to random people I was probably never gonna meet, but still had a connection to. It’s just a great online community. I won’t try to deny or turn a blind eye to all of the negative shit that goes on here; the drama, the petty arguments, the martyring, all of the things that made that ABL thread never run out of things to discuss. But I do want to say that, at least for me, what drew me to this website far outweighed the things that threatened to push me away..
I don’t know if any of this really makes that much sense. Again, I’m kind of trying to get this out of the way. I wish I could craft a spectacular piece of writing to properly express my adoration of TeamLiquid, but I’m tired of writing, I’m tired of waiting, I’m just trying to be honest and get this done.
I feel a lot older now. Perhaps temporally, not much has changed, but I feel so much more emotionally mature. Even if the social interactions on TL were different than real life, I still had my social anxiety and desire for acceptance. I cringe to imagine how that may have come off sometimes, like I was being obsequious, acting subservient, or just plain ol' sucking up. I know that to a certain degree most people do that, especially interacting with the 'higher-ups' of TeamLiquid, like the mods and admins. But I'd prefer if I didn't do that anymore. I'd prefer to feel like I can actually talk to everyone with a sense of mutual respect. This is not to say that I feel like I have to cater to certain individuals on this site, but more that on MY end I was so frightened by the prospect of someone disliking me I would lose some of my genuineness. I think (and hope) that that is a more a mature way of looking at things.
If you are reading this and are just joining the website, or are still primarily lurking, this may come off a little weird. Some kid has all these naive emotions regarding people that in a certain sense aren't even real to him. I guess it is weird. But I hope you take this as a reference on how much TeamLiquid can offer. Not in the forums, not in the eSports updates, but in the actual people who frequent this website. I know that not everyone on this forum is going to be someone you'd want to build an online relationship, whatever that means, with; I like to group the people I've mentioned into what I think when I think about TL, but I can't deny the other people on here. The rude, immature, or just mean people. People who abuse their anonymity to avoid connection. Of course, I don't want to say I fully blame them. I don't want everyone to be a friend, and I don't expect everyone to want that either.
Given the amount of time since my last real visit, I’m almost certainly glorifying TeamLiquid. I know a lot of people like to romanticize and reminisce, and I’m not exception.I’m sure people might scoff at this blog, dismissing it as excessive and somewhat adolescent in its overdone attempt to be heartfelt. I definitely can’t completely claim that isn't the case, either.
I have to wonder if I hold the TL record for longest time before writing a “milestone” blog. Someone let me know. Not that it’s particularly critical to my existence, but I can’t help but be satisfied by the idea. Haha. Regardless, I hope whoever is reading this enjoyed it. I tried to be really open and vulnerable, so I hope you guys feel somewhat connected and understanding.
Anyway, thank fucking god that's done with. I'm really looking forward to reintegrating myself into the community. If you guys are interested, I can write some more blogs about why I left and what happened in all that time.
<3,
CyDe
EDIT: I see that the banning ability of the mods has not slipped up in my time away
+ Show Spoiler +
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/q5qeUkd.png)
. Sorry <3. I believe I still have a bunch of quotes from the TL-ABL IRC room, and I certainly remember (now) that you were in several of them.
Can't believe it's been 1.5 years lol 
