I was puzzled when you told me that I didn't really love her, but at the time I was also confused about my own attachment to her. How can you love someone so intensely without a hint of sexual attraction? How could I have been such an idiot not to see the answer to this?
You ridiculed me for smelling her clothes, for asking for hugs, for provoking her, for gently poking her, for throwing recipes at her, for calling her name with a whimpering voice, for observing her expression and for trying to stay as close as possible.
I gave her a valentine's gift. I put a card in the chocolate that merely spelled out a big heart. When she left for the day she gently told me that she read the card with a smile of pure acceptance. After being a victim of her coldness for so long, it was revitalizing. I came to life, if only for a moment. Since then, I've been longing for her even more. It hurts not being able to sense her breathe, to breathe the same air as her, to smell her scent and to see her smile.
What do you know? Isn't this in fact the purest form of love? For what reason do I have to be ashamed?
My emotional development ceased before puberty. I now know that I am not capable of falling in love the way normal people do, this raw craving reduces everything else to nothingness. A child that was suppressed into a small cage, without even a trace of emotion sipping out. HE is finally allowed a small role in this world. For so many years I searched for a fitting mother, one unlike my own, one that with her body language will tell me that I am in fact allowed to exist. Because the females were confused about my conflicting behavior, I was met with rejection, rejection upon rejection. How could anyone genuinely accept a child trapped in a man's body?
It's not without a small glimmer of hope I write this. SHE is the beauty and I am the beast. I believe she is able to save me from not knowing what living is like.
I want her to accept me as her son. I want her to smother me, to embrace me with unconditional love, I want to crawl up in her womb and lay there in eternal bliss. I believe she is capable of such warmth, her heart is pure.
I want to tell her this, to make things right. She might have thought my behavior was my way of courting females I wished to have sex with, which in turn is why she thinks I'm creepy. I realize that a mother-child relationship between two adults is a bit strange and that her boyfriend might disagree, but shouldn't I at least tell her how I feel about it? Even a small taste of her maternal instincts is heaven to me. I know she doesn't have any real reason to help me, but it is the only catharsis I know of.