EPTThis is going to be the worst introduction paragraph for a blog that has probably ever been written in this section. It is going to cover my emotional and physical defeat, and like a phoenix, how I have rose to become something much stronger than I was before. It will talk about various aspects of my life such as work, false love, true love and adventure. I'm sure some of this may be considered juicy, some of it probably rather boring but whatever the case may be, here it is.
I was married before, technically still am married. I rushed into it, convincing myself that it was a great decision. I wouldn't say that my soon to be ex wife is a bad person, but she's a troubled person. She craves attention and is very materialistic. We had nothing in common but work, and that doesn't keep a relationship going. We were married for about 2.5 years and have a child together. She is a good mother, there is no doubt about that. I had given my all to this relationship and in the end it was taken for granted, but again I can't blame her because she wasn't the kind of person that I thought she was and she admitted she was trying to be someone she wasn't for a long time.
Looking back at it now and realizing what had happened, I don't think I can really be mad about anything. I know she was unfaithful to me three times during our marriage and one of which was with a supposedly good friend. That hurt, the betrayal of a friend. I have since cut those people out of my life, because I do not have time for those kinds of people. Life is too short.
It was a Saturday that it happened, I woke up at 06:00 when she got home from work, crying. Things between us were difficult up until this point, I was looking for answers as to what was wrong and she shut me out completely. She finally broke down and told me that she didn't love me any more, that there was someone else and that it was a woman. I was supportive, I told her that things would be okay and that it would all work out in the end. We each took some time to reflect on the way things have been, were and what was going to happen next.
I decided that I would leave her the marital home with all the contents inside of it. I thought it would be easier for me to move out than it would be for her and I honestly didn't feel like I wanted to have anything to do with the house that we had purchased together. So I found myself a small two bedroom apartment. I had a couch, a coffee table, end table and a tv stand. The couch was left by the previous tenant because he couldn't fit it out of the door. I was thankful because this gave me somewhere to sleep for a month. We did week to week with my son, this didn't really work well because him being with me, in a new place was very confusing to him.
There were some definite ups and downs, where threats for lawyers were made and in some cases followed through (on my part, to clarify my options). At the present, things have settled down between us. We are amicable for our son. He stays with her now and I can go get him whenever I want. He was raised in that house and he seems more at home. When he was with me, I would watch him play with toys, or sit there and stare around with a blank look on his face and it broke my fucking heart. The decision for him to go with her was one of the hardest decisions of my life. I cried the entire way there and the entire way back, I felt like garbage and my family didn't make me feel any better. In my heart, I felt like this was the best decision for him though and I carried through with it.
Emotionally, this roller coaster ride was horrible and yet all the time worth while. When her and I separated, there were times when I would be overly emotional, alone, in my dark basement apartment and then there were times when I was full of anger and rage. I would help this by walking or exercising, and I took up smoking. I would walk about 3 hours a night around the city and I smoked about a pack of cigarettes a week, which wasn't all that bad. I slept with a few women and had the potential to sleep with many more but that's not who I am. My emotional turmoil didn't end until a friend I had known and worked with for two years decided she would hang out with me to try and cheer me up one night. We had a few drinks, played Cards Against Humanity and at some point kissed... the world, my world was forever changed but more on this later.
Physically, I've always been a "rugged" individual. I maintained about 240lbs on my 5'10'' frame. I held my weight well and wouldn't have called myself overly "fat" but maybe moderately "fat"? In the course of a month I had dropped down to 200, and months later I now maintain at around 205. I know a lot of this had to do with the stress of the situation, the increase in physical activity as an outlet for my aggression and frustration and sadness. It has sparked my life into wanting things that I had given up on. I am now actively pursuing a career in law enforcement.
There is a lot to do to get divorced, separation agreements, petition for divorce, custody agreements and all the things that you both have your name financially intertwined with. I was stressed about this for a long time, however, hopefully next month the house will be cleared from my name and I will be overly thrilled about it. It means financially I can started working on everything else and it should be cleared up in short order. Luckily, her and I are able to do the paperwork ourselves and are amicable enough to sort it out. Lawyers are very expensive. I know someone will chime in that I may be losing too much or I should have a lawyer just in case but here is the thing, I don't care about material items, I don't care that she has the house with everything we purchased inside of it. I get to see my son whenever I want and she can have everything else.
My ex wife and I are both Paramedics, we work in different areas but report to the same hospital for calls and her new girlfriend is a RN in the ER department. She seems like a nice girl, and they seem very happy. I have said that I was glad things have turned out the way that they did, although it was a weathered road to travel, I would do it again to end up at the same destination. She is happier now than she has ever been with me and I am also happier now than I have ever been with her, everything has worked itself out for the best.
I felt like I was living the life of someone I wasn't for a long time. A few months prior to the separation I was walking and talking with one of my friends and telling him that I'm not sure that my marriage was going to last. I felt like I was living a life of mediocrity and that there had to be more to life. I have met someone that I can be 100% myself. I am saying that I have never felt love before, not true love, because there are feelings that I have about her that are so new to me and so real and so good that I have no other way to explain it. We have so much in common and enough individual interests that it keeps things interesting, in a very good way.
Her and I live together, the idea was tossed around before we were together because she was looking for a room mate. Some people judge and say that its fast, etc. I've gotten that from people and I don't care. If the worst happens then so be it, at least I can keep my chin up and say that I took a chance on something that felt so good and so right and was brave enough to do so. This puts me an hour closer to work as well, which is a big relief on fuel consumption too.
Anyone who has read any of my blogs know that I am a Paramedic and it's a great career but the system we have is flawed on a very fundamental level. I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed in the morning to go to work, not because of the calls themselves, I'm in my glory when I am in the back of a land missile racing down the highway and saving somebodies life in the back. The service that we work for puts fiscal importance on management and punitive measures than to progress our practice on the field, to do anything really beneficial for us front line workers and the way I look at it, I have another 40 years of service left before retirement. I accomplished the supervisor role about 2 years into my career and there is nowhere else for me to move up. I don't want to be making the same 48 - 50k for the next 40 years, because I don't see us getting any more than that, not before I retire. I don't do this job for the money, let me clarify that right away, but I'm someone who loves to better themselves and learn and I have hit a point where there is nothing more for me to do, so I want to go back to an original dream and give that my all.
In summary, life is good, better than it has ever been for me and I don't see anything changing any time soon. I thank you for reading my blog and welcome any questions. I know criticism will be given regardless and I will scrutinize heavily, because in the last few months, I have heard and dealt with it all.
