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Apathy and self-loathing

Blogs > ggrrg
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ggrrg
Profile Blog Joined September 2009
Bulgaria2716 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-02-22 05:13:16
February 22 2014 04:02 GMT
#1



If you've ever been plagued by insecurities, succumbed to procrastination or simply felt like you've been constantly doing something wrong in your life, you may have reached that point when you are certain that if you don't get your shit together now, soon there will be no getting back on track...
... I believe I reached that point about an year ago................

I'm sitting here, already having downed 4 beers and 2 glasses of some friend's relative's home brewed liquor shit of unknown strengtt, sucking on my 5th cold one and I'm contemplating about my life, about all the mistakes I've made (and keep making), and about her......
I'm not quite sure when my laziness turned into full blown apathy coupled with what I can only assume is a severe case of depression. Was it when I was eight and my mother left our home to seek opportunities in another country? Was it when I left home to live with my mother? Or maybe it was when I left for college and could abandon whatever little structure I had left in my life? I actually never felt like any event in my life had a big impact on me, the way I feel or the way I behave. Whatever the case is, the fact of the matter is that right now more or less every single waking moment I feel like shit about myself.

"You fucking moron!"

That's a phrase I repeat to myself far too often on a daily basis. And to be perfectly honest, it's an understatement considering the way I live my life...
I've been nowhere close to being a decent student ever since I started university. But in the last 9 or 10 months I don't think I've been studying at all. There are always those lingering thoughts in my mind that I need to study, that I must study right now. But I always find a reason or at least a distraction not to do so. Always! Imagine having a parasite lurking in you, sucking the essense of your life every single day, but for whatever retarded reason you cannot simply pull it out, throw it away and go on with your life. Instead you watch it grow. You feel its weight, slowing you down more and more day after day. You anticipate it to become so big that one day it will plain and simply swallow you whole.
... but you still just watch it grow and do nothing about it...
There is this final task I had to do for my former job. I sat down today and managed to spend 30 minutes working on it. I managed to do about 10% of it. Only 5 more hours of half-assing it and I would be done... I should have done it 2 months ago! Every single time I wanted to wrap it up I ended up doing some other utterly pointless stuff: I would play some bw; I'd play some stupid single player shooter; I'd read just one more news article. But I will not spend those 5 short hours to wrap it up. And of course, I will not study. After all, I have work to do...
And the thought just keeps lingering in my mind. I keep knocking it out with yet another 1v1 on iccup, but it always returns... stronger and more intense.
I go out on the balcony and light up a cigarette to distract myself, to keep myself from doing something productive. Every time I pull the trigger on the lighter a spark inside of me ignites a fierce feeling of self-loathing simultaneously. Why do I smoke???

"You fucking moron!"




------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------






It's Valentine's Day 2014. I bought a small bucket of tulips, since I know that she dislikes roses. I added a pack of dark chocolate with orange flavor and placed them on the large table awaiting her arrival. I had already cleaned her house and washed the dishes, convincing myself that these small gestures would mean that we would have more time to spend together this weekend taking into account that her current job requires her to work pretty much every day of the week.
I knew my efforts were only half-assed like everything I ever do, but at least I had done something, which objectively seen is far more than I normally do.

I heard the key being turned in the lock. I rushed to the door. She entered. Her wet hair was gently touching her radiant face. I kissed her and could feel the cold, emotionless response...
"Hi. Today I thought about how I would like to have sex with my former boss."
That's not the greeting you want to hear from your girlfriend on Valentine's day. Fuck! That's not a greeting you ever want to hear from you girlfriend...
Of course, I knew where this was going. For a second I wondered why it lasted so long till this moment came. I tried to ignore this comment and act as if everything were alright. I knew nothing was alright...
We laid down in bed. Her jaded eyes were staring at the wall while she talked. We cried, I gave her one last kiss and left.

If I were perfectly rational about it, we were so far away from a perfect match that it makes one wonder why we ever decided to keep seeing each other after we had sex. We had no common interests whatsoever. We were in different stages of our lives: she has already entered the workforce; I'm still trailing behind in my studies. Thinking about it, I don't even know why we got together in the first place...

I remember when we got together. I was inexplicably in love with Jane who I had met once. I was fantasizing about Jane all the time and thinking about how I could get Jane to like me. Then I noticed that she had written me a Facebook message about maybe grabbing a drink together. No, not Jane, but the girl that causes me to lose sleep every single night for exactly a week now. I remember how I only reluctantly met her. How I perceived her as a temporal solution to my biological urges. How for months after we got together I was certain that one day I will break her heart...
Almost two years later, I wonder if I will ever meet a girl this beautiful again. A girl that can share the same kind of twisted humor with me. A girl as down-to-earth and committed as her...
A girl whose adorable smile enchants me every time I see her...

Every time I think about what I have lost after she left me I try to rationalize the claim that we are both better off separately.
This doesn't work very well, when I'm drunk...

"In vino veritas?"




------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




I uninstalled every single game from my pc 24 hours ago. This yielded 30 minutes of productivity today...
A friend of mine talked me into going skiing next Tuesday. And then backed out after I had already signed up -.-
I'm contemplating to try out snowboarding instead, since the equipment is free. I'm not quite sure if I can learn to snowboard on my own in mere 4 hours, but I really think I should try. I feel like I really need the struggle... and the achievement...

Let's hope that I can post a blog with an upward trend in my personal development soon.

Finally, here is a song that I'm on the fence about if it perfectly describes my current feelings or if it is exactly the opposite of what I feel. Either way, it's a great song.




**
Alakaslam
Profile Blog Joined September 2011
United States17336 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-02-22 07:06:05
February 22 2014 07:02 GMT
#2
Why?

I don't understand this, embrace the foolishness of error and move on. If it [the error] ruins your social life reclusion is better than self loathing.

But I will say I skimmed through, saw the suicide lyrics in the YouTube preview and I'm like nope. Been there that's inherently unsuccessful in achieving it's goal moved on.

I have a song for you. Look up lyrics if you can't hear them.



This too shall pass.
If you think Elon Musk is a Nazi, it is because YOU radicalized him!
Alakaslam
Profile Blog Joined September 2011
United States17336 Posts
February 22 2014 07:10 GMT
#3
Oh ok I read the whole thing.

You are doing it right. Kudos

Quit listening to suicide music! XD
If you think Elon Musk is a Nazi, it is because YOU radicalized him!
obesechicken13
Profile Blog Joined July 2008
United States10467 Posts
February 22 2014 07:57 GMT
#4
I've had problems with self control all my life as well. It causes me to fail courses.

Maybe I worry too much about everything.

Then I see everyone else holding down a job and gf and still doing better than me in school.

Life isn't easy.
I think in our modern age technology has evolved to become more addictive. The things that don't give us pleasure aren't used as much. Work was never meant to be fun, but doing it makes us happier in the long run.
ETisME
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
12385 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-02-22 07:59:02
February 22 2014 07:58 GMT
#5
I have a pretty rocky start to my life as well, but we are young, we make mistakes, we have to make dumb mistakes.
this is an essential stage of our life, take that away and I won't even call my life is complete.

I am a shitty student with shit grades and currently stuck in job hunting for almost a year already.
I even finished my uni study late because of some silly visa application and had to start all over again in another country.
I messed up one relationship that I was really serious about, that still leaves me with a big regret and shame and even dreamt about it years afterward.

But remember this,
we are young
our life is long, don't make the years to come become only years of more suffering and regrets, make it more enjoyable.


this is one of my most fav video to watch when I am depressed

hope you feel better soon :D
其疾如风,其徐如林,侵掠如火,不动如山,难知如阴,动如雷震。
FFGenerations
Profile Blog Joined April 2011
7088 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-02-22 12:05:45
February 22 2014 12:00 GMT
#6
is there really a bulgarian called jane?

its not apathy that you suffer from, its addiction. you're addicted to what you've been doing for so long, addicted to what you're so comfortable with, addicted to what you love, what pleasures you the most.

the only way to reduce the mental fires of addiction are to avoid the shit that causes them (for a long long time until the fire starts to die away).

uninstalling all games is great. keep them uninstalled for 2 weeks and you'll forget about them. fact.

quitting smoking is harder. you need to take up an activity that constantly requires you to quit smoking. i recommend doing "couch to 5k" , google it

think about where you will be in your life if you manage just those 2 steps? you will be SOOO much closer to being where you want to be, already. just from those 2 things.

make a list of 5 things that will get you further where you want to be

my list is like

1) quit fapping
2) quit smoking
3) regular gym
4) quit gaming
5) regular study

ive kept working at it the past 3-5? years, again and again, right now im better than ive ever been in my life


Cool BW Music Vid - youtube.com/watch?v=W54nlqJ-Nx8 ~~~~~ ᕤ OYSTERS ᕤ CLAMS ᕤ AND ᕤ CUCKOLDS ᕤ ~~~~~~ ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ PUNCH HIM ༼ ᕤ◕◡◕ ༽ᕤ
Japhybaby
Profile Blog Joined February 2013
Canada301 Posts
February 22 2014 14:09 GMT
#7
Good writing. The tulips sound nice. When your girlfriend said the thing about her boss I was very struck. That must be a bad sign
hold on! i'm callin' you back to the pool, and we'll dazzle them all!
NeThZOR
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
South Africa7387 Posts
February 22 2014 14:59 GMT
#8
We all get that feeling of self-loathing sometimes, some people a lot more frequently than others. The path to managing this phenomenon and to keep it from coming back so often is to accept that you are the only person that can change your current circumstances. In your writing it is apparent that you blame yourself for all the bad things evident in your lifestyle, but that is not entirely the right way to get rid of your problems. Yes, acceptance of the fact that you are the cause of the sickness is taking a step in the right direction, but beating yourself up about it is the worst thing that you can do. Scold yourself, but learn in the process about the antitheses of your shortcomings and focus on working on those faculties of your daily life.

Taking your lack of studying as an example:
You are already aware that sticking to this route will bring you nowhere, so start applying yourself and at minimum, work through the course material of every course you are undertaking for 30 mins - 1 hour a day. This is of paramount importance if you are to recover from this nadir in your productivity.




SuperNova - 2015 | SKT1 fan for years | Dear, FlaSh, PartinG, Soulkey, Naniwa
2primenumbers
Profile Blog Joined February 2014
United States144 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-02-22 17:50:53
February 22 2014 17:50 GMT
#9
All change starts by creating your vocabulary and the phrasing of how you speak to and within yourself, and leaving out the abusive pity, blame, and deceit that many of us slide into over time when we become lazy about the important power of our vocabulary and language.
o face
RookUK
Profile Blog Joined August 2012
United Kingdom283 Posts
February 22 2014 19:46 GMT
#10
It may seem like a minor/frivolous thing but I would genuinely recommend trying to listen to whatever more positive music you like, or make an effort to get into some more positive music. Music can definitely influence your state of mind, and there a lot of bands who focus a lot on very downbeat, negative emotions - it's better to seek some escapism from your state of mind than to wallow in it. Check out (the full version of) Curtis Mayfield's "Move On Up", for example - it's such a positive, musically amazing song about taking on challenges in life and moving past them.

Also, you could think about trying to organise your thoughts and behaviours a bit more. I keep a spreadsheet which divides my life into five key goals/themes, and I keep track of where I am with those things, where I'd like to be, and which actions I need to take to improve my situation. It may sound very dry and it's probably not for everyone, but you could try it. Even the smallest positive change is worth celebrating.

As far as relationships are concerned, remember that they are never the be-all and end-all - especially when you're young. I have been by myself for almost four years, not least because I lack confidence and experience. It's not what I want, but it's better than being in a bad relationship. To get by, it helps me to try to focus as much as possible on those things I can control - when I wake up and go to sleep, when I exercise, those sorts of things.
ggrrg
Profile Blog Joined September 2009
Bulgaria2716 Posts
February 27 2014 03:42 GMT
#11
Thanks for the advices!

I finally finished that stupid work assignment I've been dragging for over two months. The 5 hour estimate was far off, but at least I'm finally done with it.

I went snowboarding and it was fucking great!
- 4 hours total on the slope.
- couldn't stand on the board for over 5 sec for the first hour
- didn't fall down for the last hour doing turns and spins
My whole body is bruised from the ridiculous amount of falls I had in the first two hours, but I'm thoroughly satisfied with the result!

p.s. the first song was meant for mood rather than chosen because of its lyrics. I do not have and never had any suicide thoughts.
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