EPTIf you've ever been plagued by insecurities, succumbed to procrastination or simply felt like you've been constantly doing something wrong in your life, you may have reached that point when you are certain that if you don't get your shit together now, soon there will be no getting back on track...
... I believe I reached that point about an year ago................
I'm sitting here, already having downed 4 beers and 2 glasses of some friend's relative's home brewed liquor shit of unknown strengtt, sucking on my 5th cold one and I'm contemplating about my life, about all the mistakes I've made (and keep making), and about her......
I'm not quite sure when my laziness turned into full blown apathy coupled with what I can only assume is a severe case of depression. Was it when I was eight and my mother left our home to seek opportunities in another country? Was it when I left home to live with my mother? Or maybe it was when I left for college and could abandon whatever little structure I had left in my life? I actually never felt like any event in my life had a big impact on me, the way I feel or the way I behave. Whatever the case is, the fact of the matter is that right now more or less every single waking moment I feel like shit about myself.
"You fucking moron!"
That's a phrase I repeat to myself far too often on a daily basis. And to be perfectly honest, it's an understatement considering the way I live my life...
I've been nowhere close to being a decent student ever since I started university. But in the last 9 or 10 months I don't think I've been studying at all. There are always those lingering thoughts in my mind that I need to study, that I must study right now. But I always find a reason or at least a distraction not to do so. Always! Imagine having a parasite lurking in you, sucking the essense of your life every single day, but for whatever retarded reason you cannot simply pull it out, throw it away and go on with your life. Instead you watch it grow. You feel its weight, slowing you down more and more day after day. You anticipate it to become so big that one day it will plain and simply swallow you whole.
... but you still just watch it grow and do nothing about it...
There is this final task I had to do for my former job. I sat down today and managed to spend 30 minutes working on it. I managed to do about 10% of it. Only 5 more hours of half-assing it and I would be done... I should have done it 2 months ago! Every single time I wanted to wrap it up I ended up doing some other utterly pointless stuff: I would play some bw; I'd play some stupid single player shooter; I'd read just one more news article. But I will not spend those 5 short hours to wrap it up. And of course, I will not study. After all, I have work to do...
And the thought just keeps lingering in my mind. I keep knocking it out with yet another 1v1 on iccup, but it always returns... stronger and more intense.
I go out on the balcony and light up a cigarette to distract myself, to keep myself from doing something productive. Every time I pull the trigger on the lighter a spark inside of me ignites a fierce feeling of self-loathing simultaneously. Why do I smoke???
"You fucking moron!"
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It's Valentine's Day 2014. I bought a small bucket of tulips, since I know that she dislikes roses. I added a pack of dark chocolate with orange flavor and placed them on the large table awaiting her arrival. I had already cleaned her house and washed the dishes, convincing myself that these small gestures would mean that we would have more time to spend together this weekend taking into account that her current job requires her to work pretty much every day of the week.
I knew my efforts were only half-assed like everything I ever do, but at least I had done something, which objectively seen is far more than I normally do.
I heard the key being turned in the lock. I rushed to the door. She entered. Her wet hair was gently touching her radiant face. I kissed her and could feel the cold, emotionless response...
"Hi. Today I thought about how I would like to have sex with my former boss."
That's not the greeting you want to hear from your girlfriend on Valentine's day. Fuck! That's not a greeting you ever want to hear from you girlfriend...
Of course, I knew where this was going. For a second I wondered why it lasted so long till this moment came. I tried to ignore this comment and act as if everything were alright. I knew nothing was alright...
We laid down in bed. Her jaded eyes were staring at the wall while she talked. We cried, I gave her one last kiss and left.
If I were perfectly rational about it, we were so far away from a perfect match that it makes one wonder why we ever decided to keep seeing each other after we had sex. We had no common interests whatsoever. We were in different stages of our lives: she has already entered the workforce; I'm still trailing behind in my studies. Thinking about it, I don't even know why we got together in the first place...
I remember when we got together. I was inexplicably in love with Jane who I had met once. I was fantasizing about Jane all the time and thinking about how I could get Jane to like me. Then I noticed that she had written me a Facebook message about maybe grabbing a drink together. No, not Jane, but the girl that causes me to lose sleep every single night for exactly a week now. I remember how I only reluctantly met her. How I perceived her as a temporal solution to my biological urges. How for months after we got together I was certain that one day I will break her heart...
Almost two years later, I wonder if I will ever meet a girl this beautiful again. A girl that can share the same kind of twisted humor with me. A girl as down-to-earth and committed as her...
A girl whose adorable smile enchants me every time I see her...
Every time I think about what I have lost after she left me I try to rationalize the claim that we are both better off separately.
This doesn't work very well, when I'm drunk...
"In vino veritas?"
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I uninstalled every single game from my pc 24 hours ago. This yielded 30 minutes of productivity today...
A friend of mine talked me into going skiing next Tuesday. And then backed out after I had already signed up -.-
I'm contemplating to try out snowboarding instead, since the equipment is free. I'm not quite sure if I can learn to snowboard on my own in mere 4 hours, but I really think I should try. I feel like I really need the struggle... and the achievement...
Let's hope that I can post a blog with an upward trend in my personal development soon.
Finally, here is a song that I'm on the fence about if it perfectly describes my current feelings or if it is exactly the opposite of what I feel. Either way, it's a great song.
