EPTMy second year at college turned for a worse, and the relationship I found myself in was quite unexpected. I met a girl on TL where we talked way too much on cam for about half a year where we developed feelings for each other. A main reason for that was just the sheer amount of time we spent talking to each other. It turned into a rollercoaster of emotions that ultimately ended with us no longer being friends or talking to each other (at this point I'm starting to realize maybe its me). For the most part, that year consisted of me being a person that I thought I would never be, and someone who I hope not to become again. We both made dumb mistakes and we were both mean to each other. We were both immature at the time and I only hope one day that I can talk to her again, but I regress since this blog is not about that story.
My third year at college I finally listened to my grandpas advice and was trying to meet different girls. Now this year I never considered myself in a relationship, but I did meet girls at parties and those ended up just as little flings with nothing more then being physical. Don’t get me wrong, it was a fun year but I felt that I was missing someone though, on an emotional level. I played a LOT of dota, ended up going to TI2 (was the summer before my third year started) to spectate and meet with friends. I started to become a lot more social(also at this time I started to smoke weed a lot more).It was a great year, but that missing feeling was always there, always wanting something more.
Now my current year is a bit of all my other years combined, however I met another girl on TL (who knew there were so many)while posting on a thread to play dota with other people. Now I told myself that I would never have feelings for another girl that I met online, because I already knew how much of a mistake that was. But I thought, what if I only stayed friends with her, not ruin it like I did with the girl I did my second year (lets call her V). Now this girl, (lets call her A), had so many similarities to V It was kinda scary at first. Both were the same ethnicity, same age, played the same games, hell they even looked similar. So I thought maybe this could be my redemption, that I can do the right thing this time. And so I have-so far. Its been almost a year since I met A and for the first time I'm actually managing to keep a friendship, just a friendship. We both know how stupid long distance is, how difficult it can be, and that even if you both like each other, there is no reason you cant be friends if you have the right mindset. And the best thing is, that in a few months ill actually be meeting her for the first time, something I never managed to do with V. The only reason I was capable of this was because of my knowledge from previous girls. I learned so many things every year, it’s a bit ridiculous to remember it all. But I guess that is why we go to college, to learn and find out who you are
So now that I am about to graduate from college(final semester), I really want to fix the mistakes that I did. In highschool I never had to do anything like this, I was always a likable and friendly person and I never made enemies. But college did change me, and I don’t like the feeling that I could of always tried harder to mend. I am curious if it’s even a good thing to try to amend relationships that were so long ago. At the time I have written this, I have done so with others of my past, however there are two people left, F and V. I emailed V for the first time in about a year but without a response, and tbh its making me lose a little motivation to talk to F. It is a little more tricky with F, but i told myself already that I would be doing it in person. But I first need to find a way to bring it up to her. I have seen her occasionally on campus, but we have never made eye contact, so still struggling with ideas.Now I want to make it clear that I made bad mistakes with both these girls. I could have easily been friends with both of them at the time, but ended up not because of my actions. I am in a bit of a dilemma, not knowing whether I should leave things as it, or keep trying to fix them. But if I really think about it, are they really broken or am I just trying to fix things for the sake of doing it. While writing this I have already felt better about the situation, and all girls are different. Maybe F won’t hold a grudge like V. I guess only time will tell.
