EPTI'm young.
I used to think that I had a mental fortitude that was a step above any of my peers. I could push myself harder, I could withstand more pain and anguish, I was invincible.
I thought that if a war broke out, that I would be one of the strong few to retain my sanity.
I learned that, while I might be able to retain my sanity, I am definitely not the most stalwart man to have walked this earth. And that realization hit me like a tonne of bricks. Sort of.
"Sort of is a meaningless phrase.
Sort of. It's just a filler.
But after some things, sort of means everything.
Like after 'I love you', or 'you're going to live'."
- Demetri Martin If, I
Sort of. It's just a filler.
But after some things, sort of means everything.
Like after 'I love you', or 'you're going to live'."
- Demetri Martin If, I
2013 was the year I lost my first and second true loves, and as well my best friend since childhood. It was also the year where the aftermath of those losses took me from being on the path to a prestigious university in canada, to not being able to get into a university even if I wanted to.
I thought losing the first girl I had loved was my first lost love. That experience was earth-shattering in my little world, but more importantly an eye opener to the world of love itself. To me it was terrible, how could I have finally met a girl I liked and have her disappear like smoke in the wind?
But, like all things, she too passed. She was not my first love. My first was competition.
The adrenaline, the passion for the game, the feeling of flow, the experience of feeling another human's soul through the game. The defeats, getting back up, losing again, but continuing to get back up again.
Competition was my first love in life, and it's been over a year now since I have played a single game of Starcraft. I can't get competition out of my mind. I listen to the HasHe playlist, and trigger a pseudo-PTSD of playing the game. I continually browse teamliquid.net. I watch starcraft streams, I can't get away from it.
Competition still is my love.
Yet I still wasn't done taking blows to my heart. The last would be the passing of my friend.
The person I played with every day since I was 5 years old, died suddenly. I don't get tears in my eyes thinking of the girl I lost, but I break down in tears and quickly stifle them when I see a picture of my best friend from timers happier.
Even as I wrote that sentence a wave of sorrow crashed over me.
This string of unfortunate events led to me coming face to face with depression, but in retrospect, I don't believe I was captured in it's terrible grip.
I didn't want to do anything. I lost all passion for life. My grades in school sunk faster than a brick trying to swim. I wasn't enjoying anything. Everything became a chore to me, even small things like eating or talking to friends were unappealing in every way.
Instead of being the strong competitor like NeverDieJaedong, I proved myself to be a coward.
I didn't look at the problem directly and try to solve it. I hid from it.
I spent 5 months travelling, escaping from it. Pretending it didn't exist.
I journeyed all over europe, largely on my own, exploring and enjoying myself. It was like living in a fantasy world with no problems, I wished life could always be so easy. Good food everywhere, good company everywhere, lots of beautiful women to try and chat up.
The fantasy ended when I came back to my home in Vancouver. Here I could no longer hide from my inadequacies and weaknesses. The charade had ended. I had to begin living life again.
That brings us to the very end of 2013, where I ended up with nowhere to go to school, and not much to enjoy in life.
I am currently working as a postal courier, which at this time of the year means I work 10-12 hours per day, also meaning my entire day is dedicated to work. Luckily for me my job is only seasonal and it will end on January 17th.
Where-as 2013 proved to be terrible for me, I intend to make 2014 a year of self improvement. To fix the problems I conjured up for myself in the past year.
I have many goals for this year:
I will re-do a couple of high school courses in order to get into university.
I will also do online courses in entrepreneurship and programming. As those subjects interest me.
I will continue my training regimen, and try to satiate my competitive drive through chess and martial arts.
I will read at least 1 book per month.
I will start my own website/blog by February 15th.
The title of this blog foreshadows the rebirth of my Chess blog series, and I intend to make one blog post every saturday or sunday on my "road to GM."
I'm really feeling good for 2014, and I hope I will be in university for Fall 2014 or Winter 2015.
I will not fail in my goals this time. It is better to die than to give up. I will run with bruce lee.
![[image loading]](http://www.rnningfool.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/brucelee-running.jpg)
+ Show Spoiler +
I finally picked up GEB on recommendation by another TL member many months ago. This book is awesome, but it does take a lot of focus to read. As a result my progress is rather slow. However, the concepts of loops and the thought experiments involved are exactly the type of things I love thinking about.
This book is awesome, go read it.
