So as a man approaching the end of his twenties D: It is in my experience that most people in their early to mid twenties treat each other like shit. Maybe they don't necessarily mean to do so, they just do so subconsciously, or due to hormones or whatever. That's another discussion though.
Back to the point of this thread. People in their late teens and twenties tend to have shitty relationships. That's kind of the point. You date around. You see what you like, and what you don't like. Sometimes you find out things about yourself that you never would have thought. Or sometimes you change your whole outlook on what kind of woman you are looking for and can't believe what you used to desire. Whatever the case is, we all; metaphorically or literally, end up going through a relationship eventually where cheating is involved. Maybe you did the cheating. Maybe your SO did. Maybe you both did. Either way it usually ends the relationship, and it's usually for the best. This is actually better than if it had happened once you were married, or had kids, a career- or whatever else would be disastrous to the situation.
With all that taken into consideration; assuming someone has to cheat eventually. Is it better to be cheated on or cheating with?
Well if I was cheated on I would most likely have the moral high ground and therefore be seen less as a douche bag than I would if I had cheated with; on the other hand, If i cheated with my self confidence would go up and (depending on the context) I would be glad since I now knoew I would not cheat later on in life. Or maybe people would know that I am a cheater and that they should stay away from me or at least be careful.
Def cheated on, you'd get hurt and you would be angry but in the long run you saved someone else misery.
I've never been in a relationship with cheating, although I'm also in the minority of young adults who have actually had a long, successful relationship... I've been with my girlfriend for about 7-8 years now, I'm 25, and we were high school sweethearts (and made it through long distance relationships in college and graduate school).
But I'd rather be cheated on than be the cheater, as (like KK said above) I'd have the moral highground, and also it wouldn't tarnish my reputation. If you're cheating in one relationship, I would think it'd be hard for any new person to want to date you exclusively as well (because you may very well cheat on this new person too).
Although the easy answer morally, is the cheated on. I wonder how many people actually have been through one or both. And I wonder how many people have since changed their outlook.
Being someone who actually fits into both categories. I can say it's much easier emotionally to cheat with than be cheated on. And I if one were to happen to me again, I would rather it be me in the control seat.
Before you all get white knight on me, know that I have grown from the experience and changed my ways. So the whole once a cheater, always a cheater thing is bullshit. It's more akin to an addiction, I've kicked it and I'm technically a lifelong predisposed individual but I will do my best never to relapse. + Show Spoiler [backstory] +
The girl I cheated on (only in the early month or so of the relationship) who I was with for 4 years, was really a shitty relationship. She was/is a damaged person and I was an uncaring abusive (not physically) asshole because she would go party and abuse me verbally, or randomly throw me under the bus. Never could really trust her fully. After we broke up, I got people coming out of the woodworks telling me she was cheating left and right, including right from the horses mouth from at least 2 guys. And recalling now, at least 1 time where she mentioned something that I thought was a joke and didn't believe at the time.
Yeah MC I'm not going to white knight on you, but my girlfriend and I have both (always) agreed on cheating being a dealbreaker in terms of our relationship (just like how a dealbreaker for some is whether or not their significant other wants kids). And we have our reasons, and you and others have your own reasons (good or bad) for cheating.
And even if you've learned from cheating that you'll never do it again (which is the silverest lining there is, from my perspective), I would be afraid it would eventually come up in the future (that you've cheated in the past), and then you would be judged by your new/ potential significant other. ::shrugs::
Personally, I'd hate to feel betrayed, but I'd hate even more to betray someone who put all their trust and love in me. I don't like to fuck up ^^
On October 31 2013 08:36 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: I've never been in a relationship with cheating, although I'm also in the minority of young adults who have actually had a long, successful relationship... I've been with my girlfriend for about 7-8 years now, I'm 25, and we were high school sweethearts (and made it through long distance relationships in college and graduate school).
But I'd rather be cheated on than be the cheater, as (like KK said above) I'd have the moral highground, and also it wouldn't tarnish my reputation. If you're cheating in one relationship, I would think it'd be hard for any new person to want to date you exclusively as well (because you may very well cheat on this new person too).
haha that gives me hope. sounds like im in the exact situation now that you were in ~4 years ago lol
On October 31 2013 08:36 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: I've never been in a relationship with cheating, although I'm also in the minority of young adults who have actually had a long, successful relationship... I've been with my girlfriend for about 7-8 years now, I'm 25, and we were high school sweethearts (and made it through long distance relationships in college and graduate school).
But I'd rather be cheated on than be the cheater, as (like KK said above) I'd have the moral highground, and also it wouldn't tarnish my reputation. If you're cheating in one relationship, I would think it'd be hard for any new person to want to date you exclusively as well (because you may very well cheat on this new person too).
haha that gives me hope. sounds like im in the exact situation now that you were in ~4 years ago lol
How old are both of you guys? I am actually interested in the context of it all and future. for science.
Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is an emotional kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
I think its because its painful to the other person in the relationship, and partly because the act of cheating is often tied in with deceitfulness.
I think its ok if you want to fuck other people when your in a relationship with someone but if your gonna do it then you should let the person your in a relationship know that you want to fuck other people. I mean, its really only fair to the person your "dating" that you let them know if you arnt interested in them anymore.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity to people who cheat in our society and culture. I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Well, how it works is extremely obvious, but why it exists? Fairly easy to deduce as well. Keep in mind this is a logical deduction from facts I've learned, not something I've read from a scientific study. Evolution has thrown scientists a curve-ball many times so far. The below is presented as a walkthrough of my thought process on this matter. All facts are facts I have confirmed, all conclusions are conclusions I have made from those facts.
Sex, and what it means for each gender, is a very important factor in evolution. Men spit out some expendable liquids and then they're done. They can do this at any time and be pretty much just as fertile every time they do this. It's a very simple, low-investment process that encourages spamming. It's like a 50 caliber machine gun pretty much. If you shoot enough, you'll manage to hit something eventually. Since it encourages spamming, men evolved a nearly-uncontrollable urge to stick their dick in anything it'll fit into (I'm a guy, btw, so no feminazi here). This urge was probably a lot less controlled back in the day, due to lack of laws, consequences, morals encouraging restraint, complicated social game, yada yada yada. Anyways, eventually we got a bit smarter and realized that, in order to help propagate our genes, it would be helpful to ensure that our genetic legacy actually survived to adulthood. So, we started getting attached to our spouse and our children. Unfortunately, that didn't get rid of the uncontrollable meat-seeking missile between our legs, so there was definitely a large risk of some random male coming along and sexing up your valuable genetic investment. So, men evolved to get pissed when other men tried to damage or even subvert their investments. That should explain how men get angry when cheated on, but as for women? They were probably always prone to being attached. They're weaker than men by a good margin and pregnancy + raising a child is downright debilitating. Men evolved to be attracted to looks, since it was a quick way to judge the only important thing for them: fertility. Women, on the other hand, evolved a much more nuanced system to judge a potential mate's ability and willingness to care for their bloated, pregnant ass. If men were on a Humvee, driving around as fast as they could while spamming their mounted 50 cal at anything with a pulse, women were laying prone on the ground with a sniper rifle, patiently scoping out every target before firing a single, well-placed shot. Naturally, such a person would be particularly averse to loosing their mate. Back in the day, that would probably kill you if you were pregnant. Heck the best case scenario is you've already given birth and can just leave your kid to starve. You can't care for him, you need to eat. So yeah, that's my theory. If we were pack animals back in the day, things would probably be less extreme. Our children might get adopted, we'd help each other when bad things happened, we'd have more potential mates. You'd basically be less screwed in general should anything happen. You'd still be at a disadvantage if a relationship were to go awry though, which means evolution would still take place, but things wouldn't be as harsh for our evolutionary ancestors.
It's better to be cheated on. I've been cheated on by a girl before and I ended up feeling like a big bag of recycled toilet paper that got accidentally flushed with the neighbors dog's sock vomit. But it does make you end up getting over that person a lot faster. They're garbage and you want nothing to do with them. It was good you found out now rather than finding out much later.
If I cheated with, I don't know how I could live with myself after. It's like the lowest thing you can do in a relationship. That or tape over your last copy of Rocko's Modern Life. Seriously, how good was that show?
sometimes I don't get people. Then again I've never really understood monogamy. My girlfriend(s- on occassion) can jump whosoever's bones they wish, and I can do likewise. I only expect them not to lie about it, nor put my sexual health at risk.
Especially before the age of 30 no single person is capable of sustaining the need for intimacy of any other for any meaningful length of time. People who try tend to end up emotionally scarred or stunted, either from grinding their face against an awkward relationship they feel ethically compelled into remaining in or from massive guilt when they naturally fail at that expectation.
The only truly healthy and confident woman I know is getting married to her partner of like five years soon, in which time she's slept with a dozen or more other guys, including me. I am overjoyed for them, as they are a beautiful couple, and her partner is completely happy for her to spread her attentions around, even after the ceremony. This, more than anything else, has taught me that 'cheating' is in the same category of social ills as 'cooties'. It's an excuse for people to feel angry and betrayed, to ostracise and isolate rather than discuss and accept.
On October 31 2013 12:30 Thereisnosaurus wrote: sometimes I don't get people. Then again I've never really understood monogamy. My girlfriend(s- on occassion) can jump whosoever's bones they wish, and I can do likewise. I only expect them not to lie about it, nor put my sexual health at risk.
That makes sense, especially for younger people. As people get older or start to plan out the rest of their lives, however, a little more stability in relationships may be preferred (especially if you plan on having children).
Especially before the age of 30 no single person is capable of sustaining the need for intimacy of any other for any meaningful length of time. People who try tend to end up emotionally scarred or stunted, either from grinding their face against an awkward relationship they feel ethically compelled into remaining in or from massive guilt when they naturally fail at that expectation.
Uh, well I'm just fine with my monogamous, exclusive relationship. So is my girlfriend. So are a few dozen of my friends (age 21-28) who are already married or engaged. Just because you aren't capable of sustaining one doesn't mean others can't handle it, if they prefer it over staying in open relationships.
The only truly healthy and confident woman I know is getting married to her partner of like five years soon, in which time she's slept with a dozen or more other guys, including me. I am overjoyed for them, as they are a beautiful couple, and her partner is completely happy for her to spread her attentions around, even after the ceremony. This, more than anything else, has taught me that 'cheating' is in the same category of social ills as 'cooties'. It's an excuse for people to feel angry and betrayed, to ostracise and isolate rather than discuss and accept.
Cheating in a relationship is a real thing, if there is a pre-established agreement regarding fidelity and trust. It's far more analogous to lying or stealing, than it is to something non-existent. Cheating is less of an issue in a polyamorous relationship (because you're allowing your partner- and you- to fool around with others), but fidelity and trust are justifiable concerns when practicing an exclusive relationship (especially if you have a family and fooling around with other people starts to jeopardize the time and money you should be spending on your kids). If you don't want to worry about cheating, date someone else who doesn't care either (or don't date anyone at all). And you may be very happy with that, but just because you "never really understood monogamy" doesn't mean it shouldn't exist or won't be preferred by some people for legitimate reasons.
On October 31 2013 12:30 Thereisnosaurus wrote: sometimes I don't get people. Then again I've never really understood monogamy. My girlfriend(s- on occassion) can jump whosoever's bones they wish, and I can do likewise. I only expect them not to lie about it, nor put my sexual health at risk.
Especially before the age of 30 no single person is capable of sustaining the need for intimacy of any other for any meaningful length of time. People who try tend to end up emotionally scarred or stunted, either from grinding their face against an awkward relationship they feel ethically compelled into remaining in or from massive guilt when they naturally fail at that expectation.
The only truly healthy and confident woman I know is getting married to her partner of like five years soon, in which time she's slept with a dozen or more other guys, including me. I am overjoyed for them, as they are a beautiful couple, and her partner is completely happy for her to spread her attentions around, even after the ceremony. This, more than anything else, has taught me that 'cheating' is in the same category of social ills as 'cooties'. It's an excuse for people to feel angry and betrayed, to ostracise and isolate rather than discuss and accept.
He says while roughly half of the countries in the world have an average marriage age in the late twenties, which means a stable relationship that started months, if not years before that point. I guess that means most people are emotional cripples who suffered severe psychological damage as a result of falling in love. Don't reflect your own feelings onto everybody else. Just because you and your friends are fine with cheating doesn't mean everybody else is. Similar things can be said about your beliefs towards monogamy and the nature of attraction. Also, your assertion that the cheating is an "excuse" is ridiculous in the extreme. Do you know how much people react to being cheated on? They get fucking destroyed. Wrecked. Reactions on such an enormous scale can't be conditioned in so easily. Conditioned emotional reactions aren't bad in and of themselves, they hurt because they activate natural negative reactions, like a string tied to a gun trigger. For example, a person who is happy alone may feel sad about not having any friends. Not having any friends is not inherently painful for the individual, he is happy alone, but it is abnormal, which means he is abnormal in some way, perhaps because he has no social skills. So, having no friends triggers the negative emotions associated with his failures in the social arena, thus completing the system. So, what would you say is the "root pain" in cheating? The most obvious one seems to be the other person rejecting your feelings towards her, or at the minimum, she doesn't care about you as much as you do about her. She doesn't reciprocate your feelings. If that is the root pain, then it also refutes your assertion that people are inherently polygamous. If we can care that much, then we can be monogamous.
I haven't read all the new posts here yet but I just thought about this (ill do that in the morning), and I wanted to clarify (not sure if it makes much of a difference). By 'cheating with', I meant you and your SO, and you stepped outside the relationship. Not a person(friend?) and their SO, and you being single and knowing about their relationship and partaking in their cheating. Which is worse? or is it?
On October 31 2013 12:30 Thereisnosaurus wrote: sometimes I don't get people. Then again I've never really understood monogamy. My girlfriend(s- on occassion) can jump whosoever's bones they wish, and I can do likewise. I only expect them not to lie about it, nor put my sexual health at risk.
Especially before the age of 30 no single person is capable of sustaining the need for intimacy of any other for any meaningful length of time. People who try tend to end up emotionally scarred or stunted, either from grinding their face against an awkward relationship they feel ethically compelled into remaining in or from massive guilt when they naturally fail at that expectation.
The only truly healthy and confident woman I know is getting married to her partner of like five years soon, in which time she's slept with a dozen or more other guys, including me. I am overjoyed for them, as they are a beautiful couple, and her partner is completely happy for her to spread her attentions around, even after the ceremony. This, more than anything else, has taught me that 'cheating' is in the same category of social ills as 'cooties'. It's an excuse for people to feel angry and betrayed, to ostracise and isolate rather than discuss and accept.
Two things.
First, there are two groups of people here. There is a group of people that don't care if their SO's sleep around etc. - we'll call them group A. Yay for them. This group will be happy dating each other. The second group is people that do not want their SO's sleeping around - group B. Yay for them, they should also stay within their group. Different value systems that clearly do not belong together.
Second: here you are, clearly a member of group A, coming into a discussion clearly about group B people and saying that group B people are all emotionally stunted and broken. That's an extremely ignorant and belligerent statement. Do some people from group B stupidly date group A people? Yup. Does that mean every single person in group B is an emotionally helpless child? No.
If someone is "grinding their face against an awkward relationship", they should end the relationship. Pretty simple shit. Group A or B doesn't matter. When a group B person ends a relationship, they free themselves from certain obligations based on mutual respect (that you wouldn't understand as a group A member) and are thus free to fuck anyone they please or initiate another relationship and so on.
Your anecdote of the "one truly healthy" woman is you trying to imply something insulting to literally every group B woman in existence and neither proves nor demonstrates anything of substance.
You are also trying your best to say that the feeling someone gets when they've been cheated on (in a group B relationship) is just silly and/or is made up entirely by "society" or "the man" or some other nebulous source of artificial creation. The fact is that those feelings are real and legitimate and based on concepts which you simply wouldn't understand (as a group A member). Your attitude of "if I don't feel it, it isn't real" reveals more of a shortcoming in your emotional intelligence rather than that of the group you are trying to ridicule.
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As far as the topic, if you're (not directed at anyone, just a nebulous "you") in a relationship where someone cheated on you - get out. There's a lot that can be discussed about this, but the tldr is "get out". If you're in a relationship where you're constantly worried about your SO cheating, just drop it. If you can't talk to your SO directly and maturely about such subjects - if you can't voice concerns that affect your well-being in the relationship - get out and find someone more mature. Life is just too short to deal with "adults" who haven't grown up yet. It's too short to deal with BS and assumptions and subtle hinting.
I had two relationships that kinda related to cheating. One is that I was already in a relationship but it just didn't feel right and eventually I found another girl and after a month, I decided to break up with my gf to make myself single for the other girl.
Another is that I met up with a long time crush who I haven't seen her for years. Then she told me she is in this really sad relationship (basically she got dumped by her bf who always cheated on her and so now this bf of hers was rich and bought her nice things, and they are about to get married) so as a good friend I advised her to break up with this bf if she doesn't like him (and especially knowing that she was also dating lots of other guys)
I think the most important is to know what you really want and if you are willing to go for it with the cost that comes with it. For example, my 1st case, I had to break up with my GF who loved me very much and we had a healthy relationship (almost never argued much, I would travel 4 hours to visit her) for 3 years.
I've been on both sides of the coin, they both suck. When you're the cheater, you can at least prepare yourself for what's going to happen when you inevitably tell her (if you don't, she'll find out eventually anyways). When you get cheated on, you get fucking blindsided and start to question yourself.
If you're going to cheat, get it out of the way ASAP so you can realize how shitty it is and don't do it again.
On October 31 2013 12:30 Thereisnosaurus wrote: Especially before the age of 30 no single person is capable of sustaining the need for intimacy of any other for any meaningful length of time. People who try tend to end up emotionally scarred or stunted, either from grinding their face against an awkward relationship they feel ethically compelled into remaining in or from massive guilt when they naturally fail at that expectation.
Or you simply find someone who you fit with early and it turns out to not be a problem. I met my wife when I was 21. Married her at 26. Never cheated on her and the relationship has never been awkward. It's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be, there simply are people who don't need to have sex with different people constantly to feel good about themselves and who don't see the big sacrifice in being with one person who they love and feel comfortable with.
That said, during those years, we've been in a long distance relationship for significant time periods (that's what happens when you fall in love with someone from a country on the other side of the world), so I would accept that I'm a slightly special case. I still think you're generalizing massively though.
On October 31 2013 08:36 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: I've never been in a relationship with cheating
I really, really hate when people say stupid things like this.
Do you honestly think it's possible for anyone to know without a shadow of a doubt that they've never been cheated on? Unless you are spying on your significant other 24/7 then there's no possible way you can say you've never been cheated on.
On October 31 2013 08:36 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: I've never been in a relationship with cheating
I really, really hate when people say stupid things like this.
Do you honestly think it's possible for anyone to know without a shadow of a doubt that they've never been cheated on? Unless you are spying on your significant other 24/7 then there's no possible way you can say you've never been cheated on.
What you meant to say was "to my knowledge".
Okay. So what? The general discussion is about how you deal with cheating on your significant other or how you deal with being cheated on (even hypothetically). So for all practical purposes, what I said (that I've never experienced cheating or being cheated on) has the same level of experience as if I were actually omniscient and magically knew for a fact that my girlfriend has never cheated on me. I'm still an outsider looking in on couples who have admitted to cheating, and your correction (while technically true) detracts from the entire purpose of my conversation with others.
But I appreciate you taking part of one of my sentences out of context just to call it stupid.
On October 31 2013 08:36 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: I've never been in a relationship with cheating
I really, really hate when people say stupid things like this.
Do you honestly think it's possible for anyone to know without a shadow of a doubt that they've never been cheated on? Unless you are spying on your significant other 24/7 then there's no possible way you can say you've never been cheated on.
What you meant to say was "to my knowledge".
Maybe he used the smell test, it is very reliable. Think of the opposite of this.
It's obviously easier to be the cheater. The cheater always gains and only the cheated loses. Almost everyone has thoughts of cheating and feelings of lust and attraction towards others even when in a committed relationship. Being cheated on sucks because the person cheated on had enough willpower, loyalty and trust to not cheat while the other did not. The person who cheats is the weaker person or just doesn't really care and respect their SO enough in which case the relationship has problems anyways. Either both parties should be allowed to cheat or no one should, and if only one person respects that decision it isn't fair to the other.
On November 01 2013 04:11 Xyik wrote: It's obviously easier to be the cheater. The cheater always gains and only the cheated loses. Almost everyone has thoughts of cheating and feelings of lust and attraction towards others even when in a committed relationship. Being cheated on sucks because the person cheated on had enough willpower, loyalty and trust to not cheat while the other did not. The person who cheats is the weaker person or just doesn't really care and respect their SO enough in which case the relationship has problems anyways. Either both parties should be allowed to cheat or no one should, and if only one person respects that decision it isn't fair to the other.
He gains only in terms of the specific physical relationship that he had when he cheated.
He potentially loses his significant other and the self-respect of his friends, family, and any future significant others.
That's a much bigger string of potential losses in my book.
I'd rather cheat than be cheated on. I can deal better with my own failures than with somebody else. The other people are harder to predict and harder to judge.
Meanwhile I can fix myself. And if the relationship falls apart, then it's my fault, my doing. I hate not having control. And I can't really control how I would feel if I were cheated on.
I just feel like personally, it would be easier for me and I feel like most people would come to that conclusion if they were honest, although possibly for different reasons... It sounds like a shitty thing to say but I would never cheat on someone I care about anyway. If I did, it would be such a monumental fuck up that I would beat myself up over it.
Over the long run, the guilt could make it worse to be the cheater.
Having been in both positions (although if I am honest I didn't physically cheat) it is far worse in my opinion to be the one cheating. The guilt has followed me around for years. I didn't touch anyone else, but I emotionally entrusted myself to another person and that ended my relationship. As a result I am somewhat emotionally broken and don't trust myself to date again. And yes, I have been single for years now because of that.
But speaking of monogamy, is it really possible to be so utterly wrapped up in a partner that you don't desire another, ever? Regardless of whether or not you act on it, would it not be emotionally cheating to desire someone else? Even briefly?
On November 01 2013 04:37 draverjai wrote: Having been in both positions (although if I am honest I didn't physically cheat) it is far worse in my opinion to be the one cheating. The guilt has followed me around for years. I didn't touch anyone else, but I emotionally entrusted myself to another person and that ended my relationship. As a result I am somewhat emotionally broken and don't trust myself to date again. And yes, I have been single for years now because of that.
But speaking of monogamy, is it really possible to be so utterly wrapped up in a partner that you don't desire another, ever? Regardless of whether or not you act on it, would it not be emotionally cheating to desire someone else? Even briefly?
Well I think thought-crimes are somewhat silly, and there's a difference between being attracted to someone and actually acting on that attraction. If you can keep your interest or lust in check and not actually pursue another person, then I think you can recognize the difference between being comfortable with thinking another person is cute or attractive, and being paranoid that you're truly cheating on your significant other. Quite frankly, there are thousands of people in the population who are attractive by any person's standards, and this may or may not include pornographic actors or close friends. What matters (to me, at least, and other people have different standards for cheating or anything else intimate, and that's okay), is that you can still stay committed to your significant other, even if you're acknowledging that other people are attractive too. Some of the words and ideas are broadly defined (e.g., what does "commitment" or "cheating" truly mean), but that depends on your particular philosophy on the matter.
On November 01 2013 04:37 draverjai wrote: Having been in both positions (although if I am honest I didn't physically cheat) it is far worse in my opinion to be the one cheating. The guilt has followed me around for years. I didn't touch anyone else, but I emotionally entrusted myself to another person and that ended my relationship. As a result I am somewhat emotionally broken and don't trust myself to date again. And yes, I have been single for years now because of that.
But speaking of monogamy, is it really possible to be so utterly wrapped up in a partner that you don't desire another, ever? Regardless of whether or not you act on it, would it not be emotionally cheating to desire someone else? Even briefly?
Well I think thought-crimes are somewhat silly, and there's a difference between being attracted to someone and actually acting on that attraction. If you can keep your interest or lust in check and not actually pursue another person, then I think you can recognize the difference between being comfortable with thinking another person is cute or attractive, and being paranoid that you're truly cheating on your significant other. Quite frankly, there are thousands of people in the population who are attractive by any person's standards, and this may or may not include pornographic actors or close friends. What matters (to me, at least, and other people have different standards for cheating or anything else intimate, and that's okay), is that you can still stay committed to your significant other, even if you're acknowledging that other people are attractive too. Some of the words and ideas are broadly defined (e.g., what does "commitment" or "cheating" truly mean), but that depends on your particular philosophy on the matter.
You actually make so much sense I feel dumb. I think I should go to bed before I post something else silly. Thanks
On November 01 2013 04:37 draverjai wrote: Having been in both positions (although if I am honest I didn't physically cheat) it is far worse in my opinion to be the one cheating. The guilt has followed me around for years. I didn't touch anyone else, but I emotionally entrusted myself to another person and that ended my relationship. As a result I am somewhat emotionally broken and don't trust myself to date again. And yes, I have been single for years now because of that.
But speaking of monogamy, is it really possible to be so utterly wrapped up in a partner that you don't desire another, ever? Regardless of whether or not you act on it, would it not be emotionally cheating to desire someone else? Even briefly?
Well I think thought-crimes are somewhat silly, and there's a difference between being attracted to someone and actually acting on that attraction. If you can keep your interest or lust in check and not actually pursue another person, then I think you can recognize the difference between being comfortable with thinking another person is cute or attractive, and being paranoid that you're truly cheating on your significant other. Quite frankly, there are thousands of people in the population who are attractive by any person's standards, and this may or may not include pornographic actors or close friends. What matters (to me, at least, and other people have different standards for cheating or anything else intimate, and that's okay), is that you can still stay committed to your significant other, even if you're acknowledging that other people are attractive too. Some of the words and ideas are broadly defined (e.g., what does "commitment" or "cheating" truly mean), but that depends on your particular philosophy on the matter.
You actually make so much sense I feel dumb. I think I should go to bed before I post something else silly. Thanks
My pleasure
Also, if I may add something else: Go ahead and date again (if you want the companionship). The fact that you feel so guilty about your previous situation regarding emotional cheating shows that you're learning from your mistakes. You don't have to beat yourself up for the rest of your life; taking years off from the dating scene sounds like more than enough penance.
If you miss the intimacy and affection of being in a relationship, the butterflies and the raw passion, go out there and find yourself a partner
I think DPB might actually be part of the really rare group of emotionally/psychologically stable people/relationships that actually get involved early and young and aren't codependent or fleeing traumatic family life or hectic past. Most of the time you will see people who are like dating all through high school and inseparable and way too into each other and its kind of weird and unhealthy (technically your brain isn't done developing and you are still under effects of hormones til about mid 20s etc). Not to say that it isn't possible to be ok, but most of the time something is up.
I actually think the fact that you had those times where you guys were long distance and just focusing on yourselves was what made it work because you had time to continue to grow as individuals and then come back together etc. Like you guys probably weren't prioritizing contact with each other every day, and maybe once a week or so? Like really good friends? I guess it makes it a bit easier to avoid 'accidentally' falling for someone else if you are focused on school and using free time to play SC etc instead of going out to events and parties etc.
The only question you have to ask yourself is if you think you will regret not experimenting and dating around before settling down. I know that can be a big issue with guys before marriage etc. Hell, even myself who has dated around quite a bit and ideally is ready to have a stable long term relationship again doesn't know if I have done enough of that yet.
On November 01 2013 08:18 MarlieChurphy wrote: I think DPB might actually be part of the really rare group of emotionally/psychologically stable people/relationships that actually get involved early and young and aren't codependent or fleeing traumatic family life or hectic past. Most of the time you will see people who are like dating all through high school and inseparable and way too into each other and its kind of weird and unhealthy (technically your brain isn't done developing and you are still under effects of hormones til about mid 20s etc). Not to say that it isn't possible to be ok, but most of the time something is up.
I actually think the fact that you had those times where you guys were long distance and just focusing on yourselves was what made it work because you had time to continue to grow as individuals and then come back together etc. Like you guys probably weren't prioritizing contact with each other every day, and maybe once a week or so? Like really good friends? I guess it makes it a bit easier to avoid 'accidentally' falling for someone else if you are focused on school and using free time to play SC etc instead of going out to events and parties etc.
The only question you have to ask yourself is if you think you will regret not experimenting and dating around before settling down. I know that can be a big issue with guys before marriage etc. Hell, even myself who has dated around quite a bit and ideally is ready to have a stable long term relationship again doesn't know if I have done enough of that yet.
Can I ask what you guys are majoring in school?
My bachelor's was in mathematics, master's in math education, and now I'm doing a PhD in math education. Her bachelor's was in biology and she's now in vet school. We should both finish our respective doctoral programs in 2-3 years.
And as far as regretting or missing out is concerned... I just ask myself if it would be worth it to break up to get it all out of system, knowing that she might not take me back or she might find someone better and move on... and then I realize that I'm quite okay with my situation
I appreciate you putting me in that rare, stable group... I know many who can't handle that. And that's okay. I just got lucky
EDIT: What in the actual fuck happened to my TL layout? Everything's moved around, the font is different, and the sidebar has changed.
Double edit: Never mind, finally found a discussion on it. Would have been nice to be on the homepage >.<
On November 01 2013 10:43 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:And as far as regretting or missing out is concerned... I just ask myself if it would be worth it to break up to get it all out of system, knowing that she might not take me back or she might find someone better and move on... and then I realize that I'm quite okay with my situation
Exactly. Let's say you met a girl and everything was great, you both loved each other and your relationship was solid for years. You want to get married, but you have only ever been with one person - should you purposely break up or separate so you can fuck other women, not find equal or superior happiness, and then potentially lose what you had? I don't think so.
On November 01 2013 10:43 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:And as far as regretting or missing out is concerned... I just ask myself if it would be worth it to break up to get it all out of system, knowing that she might not take me back or she might find someone better and move on... and then I realize that I'm quite okay with my situation
Exactly. Let's say you met a girl and everything was great, you both loved each other and your relationship was solid for years. You want to get married, but you have only ever been with one person - should you purposely break up or separate so you can fuck other women, not find equal or superior happiness, and then potentially lose what you had? I don't think so.
That's certainly my philosophy. Now granted, some people may not mind as much. Maybe there are enough flaws and problems in their relationship that they want to see if there's greater potential in the future- a sort of "grass is always greener" situation. And I'm sure that's justifiable in many situations. Just not mine. I'm content, happy, loving the way things are.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Because it's nice to think that humans are a bit beyond fucking anything that moves and maybe have a smidge of loyalty / honour.
People cheating on each other is a swift reminder that humans aren't actually much better than animals.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Because it's nice to think that humans are a bit beyond fucking anything that moves and maybe have a smidge of loyalty / honour.
People cheating on each other is a swift reminder that humans aren't actually much better than animals.
Yea, but my point is why is there universally such an unbridled hatred for people who cheat in relationships, and not as much for people who cheat at other things? (this community/gaming is not a good example, but in real life)
Walk into any cheating conversation and just observe the unrequited sympathy for a cheater. The things people say in these conversations are literally on par with murderers and rapists, im not even joking. Just pretend you are talking about a murder and everything people say still fits.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Because it's nice to think that humans are a bit beyond fucking anything that moves and maybe have a smidge of loyalty / honour.
People cheating on each other is a swift reminder that humans aren't actually much better than animals.
Yea, but my point is why is there universally such an unbridled hatred for people who cheat in relationships, and not as much for people who cheat at other things? (this community/gaming is not a good example, but in real life)
Walk into any cheating conversation and just observe the unrequited sympathy for a cheater. The things people say in these conversations are literally on par with murderers and rapists, im not even joking. Just pretend you are talking about a murder and everything people say still fits.
You really don't see a difference between something like, cheating on an exam versus betraying another person?
I was with my highschool love for a year and a half before she had sex with one of her ex boyfriends I forgave her and we got back together. And then I cheated on her to get revenge, which was SO stupid of me. In situations like that it is best not to get payback being cheated on was one of the worst pains I ever felt & I do not wish it upon my worst enemy. If you are ever cheated on just let the bitch go, wish I would have done that.
On November 02 2013 11:26 PassiveAce wrote: its not revenge if you forgave her for it before you got your "revenge" lol if you were upset about it you never should have forgave her!
Well I mean I never really forgave her even when I thought I did, which is why I ended up cheating on her I thought by doing that it would heal the pain when it reality it did not.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Because it's nice to think that humans are a bit beyond fucking anything that moves and maybe have a smidge of loyalty / honour.
People cheating on each other is a swift reminder that humans aren't actually much better than animals.
Yea, but my point is why is there universally such an unbridled hatred for people who cheat in relationships, and not as much for people who cheat at other things? (this community/gaming is not a good example, but in real life)
Walk into any cheating conversation and just observe the unrequited sympathy for a cheater. The things people say in these conversations are literally on par with murderers and rapists, im not even joking. Just pretend you are talking about a murder and everything people say still fits.
Yeah but cheaters aren't sentenced to death or life in prison. I honestly don't see your point. I can make some of my clients sound like the lowest forms of life on the planet - doesn't mean shit, and all they've done is wasted my time/money. I don't know why we need to search for some kind of underlying biological/evolutionary reason humans fiercely dislike other humans who cross them, and I think betrayal and shame is enough of a good reason to hate someone's guts. I don't see what biology or evolution has to do with it.
As far as shared animosity towards cheaters, it just makes sense honestly. People generally look down on those who commit fraud or dishonor "contracts" etc. Cheating is comparable to both of those. As a cheater, it's part of your reputation along with a host of other things. Why would this particular thing not follow you around?
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Because it's nice to think that humans are a bit beyond fucking anything that moves and maybe have a smidge of loyalty / honour.
People cheating on each other is a swift reminder that humans aren't actually much better than animals.
Yea, but my point is why is there universally such an unbridled hatred for people who cheat in relationships, and not as much for people who cheat at other things? (this community/gaming is not a good example, but in real life)
Walk into any cheating conversation and just observe the unrequited sympathy for a cheater. The things people say in these conversations are literally on par with murderers and rapists, im not even joking. Just pretend you are talking about a murder and everything people say still fits.
Yeah but cheaters aren't sentenced to death or life in prison. I honestly don't see your point. I can make some of my clients sound like the lowest forms of life on the planet - doesn't mean shit, and all they've done is wasted my time/money. I don't know why we need to search for some kind of underlying biological/evolutionary reason humans fiercely dislike other humans who cross them, and I think betrayal and shame is enough of a good reason to hate someone's guts. I don't see what biology or evolution has to do with it.
As far as shared animosity towards cheaters, it just makes sense honestly. People generally look down on those who commit fraud or dishonor "contracts" etc. Cheating is comparable to both of those. As a cheater, it's part of your reputation along with a host of other things. Why would this particular thing not follow you around?
They are sentenced to a life with a scarlet letter, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and people disown them as friends like they found out they were a child molester all along or something.
On November 02 2013 07:34 Salv wrote:
You really don't see a difference between something like, cheating on an exam versus betraying another person?
See, Betrayed. The perception of stepping outside a relationship is so severely overstated. It's not like your took all her stuff and burned it or mislead the person to get you all kinds of things and strung them along. I think maybe people have differing definitions of what cheating actually is. I'm gonna guess most people think of it as something like 'using' which I actually consider worse than cheating.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Because it's nice to think that humans are a bit beyond fucking anything that moves and maybe have a smidge of loyalty / honour.
People cheating on each other is a swift reminder that humans aren't actually much better than animals.
Yea, but my point is why is there universally such an unbridled hatred for people who cheat in relationships, and not as much for people who cheat at other things? (this community/gaming is not a good example, but in real life)
Walk into any cheating conversation and just observe the unrequited sympathy for a cheater. The things people say in these conversations are literally on par with murderers and rapists, im not even joking. Just pretend you are talking about a murder and everything people say still fits.
Yeah but cheaters aren't sentenced to death or life in prison. I honestly don't see your point. I can make some of my clients sound like the lowest forms of life on the planet - doesn't mean shit, and all they've done is wasted my time/money. I don't know why we need to search for some kind of underlying biological/evolutionary reason humans fiercely dislike other humans who cross them, and I think betrayal and shame is enough of a good reason to hate someone's guts. I don't see what biology or evolution has to do with it.
As far as shared animosity towards cheaters, it just makes sense honestly. People generally look down on those who commit fraud or dishonor "contracts" etc. Cheating is comparable to both of those. As a cheater, it's part of your reputation along with a host of other things. Why would this particular thing not follow you around?
They are sentenced to a life with a scarlet letter, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and people disown them as friends like they found out they were a child molester all along or something.
You really don't see a difference between something like, cheating on an exam versus betraying another person?
See, Betrayed. The perception of stepping outside a relationship is so severely overstated. It's not like your took all her stuff and burned it or mislead the person to get you all kinds of things and strung them along. I think maybe people have differing definitions of what cheating actually is. I'm gonna guess most people think of it as something like 'using' which I actually consider worse than cheating.
So you think cheaters are treated too harshly then? The posts you're making are kind of all over the place, so it's not clear to me what direction you want the discussion to go in.
I mean, would you go into business with someone who has a reputation for treating their business partners unfairly? You might, but it'd be part of the consideration you make before you do. I don't see what the issue actually is. Is it wrong for peoples' reputations to follow them around?
I think betrayal is a fair description. They are in a sort of agreement with their partner which was founded purely on trust rather than on collateral or some other material construct. Breaking that agreement is turning their backs on their partner and trampling on the trust the relationship was founded upon in the first place. What level of scorn does a cheater deserve in your opinion? Is it equivalent to being really rude? Outline your opinion and then people can respond to it.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
There are def some non-western cultures where cheating is not that big a deal. Hell, in China if you have money it's almost to be expected that you have a lot of side biatches. Sure, the girl will wail and cry and shit if you rub it in her face, but really they all know it's going on and just turn a blind eye to it if their credit cards are working.
I remember the first time I was cheated on. It was one of my first sexual long-term relationships and we'd been at it for almost 2 years. Was very traumatic. But man, I'm 28 now and at this point hardly anything fazes me. I've seen and done it all. Cheated, been cheated on, enabled someone else's cheating, been that other guy, etc. And really, there's nothing sacred about any of it. It's just fucking life, man. People get in and out of relationships. People have sex because it feels good. Others have sex because they're in love. It comes in all shapes and sizes and I think it's so fucking stupid to try to make these hard rules about it.
I will say loving someone is really special and is infinitely better than casual. But sometimes you love more than one person. And sometimes you fall out of love with people. And sometimes there are other things going on in life at the moment that make it really inconvenient to break up at that exact moment. So cheating happens. And really who gives a fuck? Life is not a Disney movie and it's not an elementary school class. There are no rules. You just live. And you try to do the best job you can, but sometimes that involves sticking your weewoo in a pretty girl's hooha while another girl in a different place who cares about you goes on with her day none the wiser.
My advice, don't worry about what's right or wrong or better or worse. Every situation is unique. Take things as they come, weigh the pros and cons of each specific situation, and make the best decision you can. Don't try to come up with universal rules for it. That'll just make you less flexible and less efficient.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Because it's nice to think that humans are a bit beyond fucking anything that moves and maybe have a smidge of loyalty / honour.
People cheating on each other is a swift reminder that humans aren't actually much better than animals.
Yea, but my point is why is there universally such an unbridled hatred for people who cheat in relationships, and not as much for people who cheat at other things? (this community/gaming is not a good example, but in real life)
Walk into any cheating conversation and just observe the unrequited sympathy for a cheater. The things people say in these conversations are literally on par with murderers and rapists, im not even joking. Just pretend you are talking about a murder and everything people say still fits.
Yeah but cheaters aren't sentenced to death or life in prison. I honestly don't see your point. I can make some of my clients sound like the lowest forms of life on the planet - doesn't mean shit, and all they've done is wasted my time/money. I don't know why we need to search for some kind of underlying biological/evolutionary reason humans fiercely dislike other humans who cross them, and I think betrayal and shame is enough of a good reason to hate someone's guts. I don't see what biology or evolution has to do with it.
As far as shared animosity towards cheaters, it just makes sense honestly. People generally look down on those who commit fraud or dishonor "contracts" etc. Cheating is comparable to both of those. As a cheater, it's part of your reputation along with a host of other things. Why would this particular thing not follow you around?
They are sentenced to a life with a scarlet letter, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and people disown them as friends like they found out they were a child molester all along or something.
On November 02 2013 07:34 Salv wrote:
You really don't see a difference between something like, cheating on an exam versus betraying another person?
See, Betrayed. The perception of stepping outside a relationship is so severely overstated. It's not like your took all her stuff and burned it or mislead the person to get you all kinds of things and strung them along. I think maybe people have differing definitions of what cheating actually is. I'm gonna guess most people think of it as something like 'using' which I actually consider worse than cheating.
So you think cheaters are treated too harshly then? The posts you're making are kind of all over the place, so it's not clear to me what direction you want the discussion to go in.
I mean, would you go into business with someone who has a reputation for treating their business partners unfairly? You might, but it'd be part of the consideration you make before you do. I don't see what the issue actually is. Is it wrong for peoples' reputations to follow them around?
I think betrayal is a fair description. They are in a sort of agreement with their partner which was founded purely on trust rather than on collateral or some other material construct. Breaking that agreement is turning their backs on their partner and trampling on the trust the relationship was founded upon in the first place. What level of scorn does a cheater deserve in your opinion? Is it equivalent to being really rude? Outline your opinion and then people can respond to it.
What I mean to say is that people are obviously lashing out emotionally/irrationally against cheaters in these situations and wear their heart of their sleeve saying whatever they feel which is usually demonizing. Yea, what was done was shitty and arguably weak, but I don't think most people understand why people cheat (there are a number of different reasons and vary by sexes as well). A lot of times cheaters are themselves victims just acting out subconsciously. I think it's important to know what kind of cheater/cheating took place before judgements are passed.
All of this is understandable to most, I guess, but to me it is on the same level of malevolence as the cheating is perceived. The people are treated worse than criminals in most cases.
If someone is a cheater, you lose some respect or trust for them and you be cautious around them you let people know of shady dealings and you stop doing business with them. You don't need all that hatred. Especially when (most cases) people do not know the circumstances, and we are all human and make mistakes.
On October 31 2013 09:21 AnachronisticAnarchy wrote: Kinda comparing apples to oranges. One is a kick in the balls, the other takes away your ability to say that you aren't a colossal bag of shit.
Objectively speaking, why do you think there is such animosity toward people who cheat in our society and culture? I think this holds true in non western cultures as well. Like what do you think, if any, is the biological/evolutionary reasoning to hate cheating and cheaters?
Because it's nice to think that humans are a bit beyond fucking anything that moves and maybe have a smidge of loyalty / honour.
People cheating on each other is a swift reminder that humans aren't actually much better than animals.
Yea, but my point is why is there universally such an unbridled hatred for people who cheat in relationships, and not as much for people who cheat at other things? (this community/gaming is not a good example, but in real life)
Walk into any cheating conversation and just observe the unrequited sympathy for a cheater. The things people say in these conversations are literally on par with murderers and rapists, im not even joking. Just pretend you are talking about a murder and everything people say still fits.
Yeah but cheaters aren't sentenced to death or life in prison. I honestly don't see your point. I can make some of my clients sound like the lowest forms of life on the planet - doesn't mean shit, and all they've done is wasted my time/money. I don't know why we need to search for some kind of underlying biological/evolutionary reason humans fiercely dislike other humans who cross them, and I think betrayal and shame is enough of a good reason to hate someone's guts. I don't see what biology or evolution has to do with it.
As far as shared animosity towards cheaters, it just makes sense honestly. People generally look down on those who commit fraud or dishonor "contracts" etc. Cheating is comparable to both of those. As a cheater, it's part of your reputation along with a host of other things. Why would this particular thing not follow you around?
They are sentenced to a life with a scarlet letter, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and people disown them as friends like they found out they were a child molester all along or something.
On November 02 2013 07:34 Salv wrote:
You really don't see a difference between something like, cheating on an exam versus betraying another person?
See, Betrayed. The perception of stepping outside a relationship is so severely overstated. It's not like your took all her stuff and burned it or mislead the person to get you all kinds of things and strung them along. I think maybe people have differing definitions of what cheating actually is. I'm gonna guess most people think of it as something like 'using' which I actually consider worse than cheating.
So you think cheaters are treated too harshly then? The posts you're making are kind of all over the place, so it's not clear to me what direction you want the discussion to go in.
I mean, would you go into business with someone who has a reputation for treating their business partners unfairly? You might, but it'd be part of the consideration you make before you do. I don't see what the issue actually is. Is it wrong for peoples' reputations to follow them around?
I think betrayal is a fair description. They are in a sort of agreement with their partner which was founded purely on trust rather than on collateral or some other material construct. Breaking that agreement is turning their backs on their partner and trampling on the trust the relationship was founded upon in the first place. What level of scorn does a cheater deserve in your opinion? Is it equivalent to being really rude? Outline your opinion and then people can respond to it.
What I mean to say is that people are obviously lashing out emotionally/irrationally against cheaters in these situations and wear their heart of their sleeve saying whatever they feel which is usually demonizing. [1]
Yea, what was done was shitty and arguably weak, but I don't think most people understand why people cheat (there are a number of different reasons and vary by sexes as well). A lot of times cheaters are themselves victims just acting out subconsciously. I think it's important to know what kind of cheater/cheating took place before judgements are passed. [2]
All of this is understandable to most, I guess, but to me it is on the same level of malevolence as the cheating is perceived. The people are treated worse than criminals in most cases. [3]
If someone is a cheater, you lose some respect or trust for them and you be cautious around them you let people know of shady dealings and you stop doing business with them. You don't need all that hatred. Especially when (most cases) people do not know the circumstances, and we are all human and make mistakes. [4]
Now a serial cheater/user is another story.
[1] People that are hurt by all manner of harmful actions take it personally and are emotionally charged about it. My question is why is this behavior to be looked down upon, and why is cheating special enough that it deserves a pass?
[2] All manner of offences could be described the same exact way. Victims gain emotional/psychological scarring and lash out as a result. The blame is still on their shoulders, though. No one lets a fraudster off the hook because he lost everything when he was young or similar. There are certainly all manner of factors that influence someone's decision to cheat, but no one puts a gun to their head and forces them - the decision is theirs to make, the offence theirs to commit.
[3] What's more harmful to a person? If a thief breaks into their home while they're away and steals their electronics? Or if someone they love cheated on them? Obviously it depends on exact circumstances, but I hope you can see what I mean. Thievery is a crime, one which can be prosecuted and for which there is a certain level of compensation and closure for the victim. For cheating, there's nothing that can be done - there's no structure in society to punish cheaters so people make their own. It's the same way crooked businessmen and other deceivers are punished in society - harming their reputation.
[4] I think it's reasonably expected (though I wouldn't say "good") that someone who was cheated feels anger proportional to their emotional investment in their SO. Most people who are only involved second- or third-hand do not feel such resentment, but may carry out a campaign against the reputation of the cheater according to their personal level of involvement. This is all fairly sensible imo - it's just a way for society to deal with offences which are not criminal in nature and have no justice structure associated with them.
EPT
