EPTSo you guys might recall a blog I wrote a long time ago: SO DEPRESSING. Well, this is part two.
It was in November of 2012. The week before Thanksgiving. I was tired from studying from philosophy. It was definitely the hardest semester I had ever done. At that point I had been getting pretty much straight A's, just like the semester before.
And then I went on youtube and I saw transition videos of boys using makeup to turn themselves into girls. By chance. And then I stumbled upon transsexuals. Who knows why youtube recommended those videos.
I had seen some videos of them before. I had never considered it, but I was intrigued by the transformations. How people seemed to go from one gender to the other. Until it clicked like a lightbulb in my head. What the fuck? I think I might be trans.
Here I am pondering:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/dqZtVA3.jpg?1)
I suppose I did what a typical person does when they realize this might be a possibility. I obsessively searched for some test or definitive answer that I was trans. I asked another trans person how they "knew" that hormones were right for them. I obsessed over this question so much that I was incapable of studying for my final exams. Nothing mattered except studying the question at hand. My brain operates in a kind of way where when I have a serious problem, my brain fixates on that problem and I go over it again and again and again to the exclusion of all other things. So in this case, the question of whether or not I was trans overshadowed my studies and job at the time.
Eventually I confided in a friend. I was so ashamed that I wanted to try on girl clothes. I wanted to look like a girl, but I couldn't even speak about it outloud. I had to ask her if we could go into the back where there weren't so many people. I felt like a freak. But the friend I decided to come out to turned out to be cool. She offered to show me how to do some basic makeup and try on some of her clothes. So I tried that.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/0XwyTZH.jpg?1)
I started realizing during the month of December that I was definitely trans. Things began making sense. The way that I had wasted my time with the "PUA" community, because I believed to some degree that my value as a human being was reflected by whether or not I could get girls. I had spent *so* much time lifting weights and trying to act like a bad ass without any feelings...
You might say I worked out a lot:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/i5rOQTn.jpg?1)
Indeed, most of the time I really was without feeling or empathy. I didn't understand what people meant when they said be yourself, because to me, I had spent my whole life "acting". I thought that was what everyone did. I would see characters on television such as Hank Moody act in certain ways, and then I would repeat these actions and sometimes see success. I thought that if I just acted in the ways that people in television acted, that I could somehow fake the confidence I needed to be a successful guy. The idea that there existed a unique and individual 'me' never occurred to me, as I had spent my *entire* life feeling like I was always acting.
But then the trans thing occurred to me.... and the memories began to resurface. And oh did they resurface. From the time when I was five, and someone asked me if I ever wanted to be a girl. And the deep pondering that I began to have, as I thought that being a girl would be advantageous... the flexibility, and the beauty, it sounded appealing. But then I thought of how I might be weaker. And so I said, "I'm not sure. Kind of!" And the kids laughed at me. Because nothing is so absurd as a boy who wants to be a girl. Even five year olds know *that*. I would not revisit this question until November of 2012.
Other memories include "letting" my best friend paint my nails, of trying on a dress in high school and being made fun of. Of the time that my best friend pushed me against the locker and hugged me, and it was the most exciting experience of my high school life to have been pushed against that locker. Eventually I came to realize that it sexually turned me on to cross dress, and to be the submissive. But in all my relationships, I was the dominant one, because this is what straight girls wanted, and I didn't want to be alone. And I wrote the cross dressing thing off as a sexual fetish.
It was of particular interest that the thing that turned me on about cross dressing was that it had to be forced. It is a hallmark of trans* people in a way, because it allows us to overcome the deep shame that comes with being transgender. The fact that it was against my will, that it wasn't a choice, turned shame into sexual ecstasy.
And so I tried on clothes. Unsuccessfully. I have lots of rather embarrassing pictures from the early transition. I was rather hoping that I could have the instant transformation that those makeup video tutorials had, but as it turns out, makeup takes a bit of skill. And anyways, it wasn't enough.
I didn't want to *look* like a girl. I wanted to *be* a fucking girl. I wanted lesbian relationships. (As an aside note, amusingly enough, as a straight guy, I always seemed to be most attracted to lesbians.) And so the idea of hormones became a serious issue for me to ponder.
Another embarrassing early transition pic:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Bw7FOch.jpg?1)
I didn't know if hormones were right for me... I'm not sure I ever would. How the fuck does anyone know? I think that I just had to try them and see what happened. I began the process and signed up to see a therapist about a week before Christmas. It was amazing, as she was the first therapist I had ever felt comfortable talking about my issues with.
In the past I had seen therapists for clinical depression. But these sessions were never very useful for a few reasons. Firstly, the University assigned me male therapists, and I've always had trouble confiding anything emotional to guys. Secondly, I didn't know *why* I was depressed. So they assumed it had to be a chemical imbalance and prescribed me 'effexor'. Which didn't work. (p.s. You don't want to take this, ever, unless you enjoy extremely unpleasant headaches. Take it from me and everyone I know who has tried it.)
In the middle of January, I received my first dosage of hormones. And nothing happened. To be expected. Over the next two weeks, I experienced a fog in my head. It felt extremely cloudy, and I was worried that I wasn't really trans. I did not seem to be reacting well to the drugs. This passed, eventually, and I actually began to feel better than I had ever before. I became more social at work, and more at ease with myself and my identity. My mood had shifted, and what I thought was happiness was really just normal. And actual happiness was this huge explosion of feeling that I could not contain. When happy, I feel like bursting.
Here I am ready for my first drag show:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/OJp924x.jpg?1)
I began buying lots of female clothes and experimenting heavily with makeup. I began wearing female jeans to work and seeing what I could get away with. My job, being part of the university, was fairly liberal, so I actually didn't have any problems. Other than the obvious... people assumed I was gay. To which I laughed, and wished life were that fucking easy. If only I had been just gay instead of trans. I got stuck with both in the end.
I began to learn about the way people would discriminate me, both because I did not pass, and I had made the decision to be fairly open about my transition. I went to Captain D's as a girl early on in my transition, and this woman stared at me with the widest eyes. And since then, I still can't quite go out as a girl without feeling a little self conscious.
And I learned how religious people use deception to attack my identity. At work I had decided to change my nametag to April despite not presenting, because I wanted to see if I liked my name. I remember this girl had began asking me lots of questions. Which had become fairly common as I was the only openly trans person that anyone knew (I live in Georgia, this is not surprising.)
She asked me all these questions about religion, and at the time I had been trying to be very nice to religious people despite being an atheist. And I genuinely tried to answer her questions as best I could. "Did you always know?" No, not always. "Well how do you know now, then?" Because it makes me happy. And then, the attacks began.
"What's your old name? Is it okay if I call you that instead? I know you don't believe in God, but I want you to know that you'll always be a man. God did not intend for you to do this, he created you beautiful and perfect just the way you are. You said it yourself, you didn't always know. Just because you think it makes you happy doesn't make it the right decision."
It might not be a surprise that I'm a little colder and more callous to religious people. The only friends I've ever lost on facebook are unsurprisingly Christian. The religion of love and acceptance.
Despite my improving overall mood, transitioning had been very difficult. Each time I presented female, I became more and more depressed at my inability to pass. I could not go out presenting female without obsessing over how much of a freak people must think I am. Without being too ashamed to look others in the eye. My eyes were usually focused on the ground to avoid any stares.
I've always had a certain amount of social anxiety, but I never experienced it in such a way that it made my heart race for simply walking outside my front door. And yet it does... and still does today, even now when I believe that I pass pretty decently. Every time.
Despite this, I continued to go out and experiment with new looks and clothes anyways. Here I am at a mock wedding:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/PNOVs8F.png)
And kissing my "wife"
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/bZhACCN.jpg?1)
And getting ready for my friends party:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/ErvPQl6.jpg?1)
I sometimes wish my early optimism was still with me. It seems like the deeper one gets into transition, the darker things get. Because the realities of the world begin to set in, the insane costs of necessary medical procedures deemed "unnecessary." The obsession with passing, the never ending struggle to pay for transition and catch up on years of fashion and makeup that everyone else has known since they were 14.
And yet I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because I love make-up, I love fashion, and I love being a girl. And I really (really, really) love having boobs. So that's my story. Here I am now at 8 months, ready to start that legal name change.
So.... just in case there weren't enough pictures. Here's me at around 5 months in:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/ixOG4l3.jpg)
And 7 months:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/gpzN48G.jpg?1)
But I'm 8 months into transition now, and I have purple hair. Red/brown hair is for noobs and people who play zerg. (Terran is just more balanced sorry)
I try to be a little edgy.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/xA73aiU.jpg?1)
This is an everyday look that I tend to go for:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/UrRQ0vt.jpg?1)
And this is what I do if I want boys to talk to me:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/lh76jTv.jpg?1)
Here I am trying to be 'drama'
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/ZECMfhZ.jpg?1)
And a before/after with makeup:
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/4PgGbap.jpg?1)
Looking back at this story, wow. Nobody told me that transitioning was going to be more dramatic than your high school relationship.
So anyways, feel free to ask any questions or whatever. I am like an open book for the most part.
