EPTOn July 18 2013 12:56 im a roc wrote:
Hey TL, looking for some advice.
So there's this girl, lets call her Jennifer. Or Jen for short. Jen and I really like each other; there's no pretense between the two of us, we both care about each other a lot, and there's a strong emotional and physical attraction on both sides. We got to be really good friends (and now more than friends) over the last school year, we love spending time together and we've made out a few times, but nothing too heavy. We both would love to date, and we both think we'd be happier if we were.
There are a few problems, however. Number one, which is the lesser issue, is that she has a boyfriend. Objectively speaking, it's not a good relationship. This other guy has some anger problems, gets in a lot of fights, and is generally kind of immature. Talking to some other of my friends that know him better than I do, they all say there really isn't anything desirable about him. Him and Jen have been dating on and off for around a year and a half, but it's always been clear that it wasn't really working out, she dates him more out of comfort because she's used to it now than for anything else. Jen told me she would have no problem breaking up with him for good if we decided we wanted to continue with our own relationship, and I know she wouldn't be bothered by it.
Number two, which is a much bigger problem, is that I leave for college September 10th. I'll be going a few hours out of town; close enough that weekend visits are possible but pretty inconvenient. Near enough that I'd be home all of my breaks (at least for the first year).
As it is, Jen and I are really just frustrated that neither of us acted any sooner than we did. We've both had feeling for each other since a year ago, but we never really admitted it openly to each other until recently. All this said, my choice is pretty obvious. I have to decide if we just stay good friends and move on or if we should make a move of it and start a relationship. If the latter, we also have to see if we'd rather make it a summer fling or something we try to maintain into the fall.
I'm not an idiot, of corse, I understand the implications of the decisions and I already have my preference and reasons for that choice, but I'd love some objective input from the community so I open myself up to your judgement. What do you guys think?
Thanks a lot in advance.
Hey TL, looking for some advice.
So there's this girl, lets call her Jennifer. Or Jen for short. Jen and I really like each other; there's no pretense between the two of us, we both care about each other a lot, and there's a strong emotional and physical attraction on both sides. We got to be really good friends (and now more than friends) over the last school year, we love spending time together and we've made out a few times, but nothing too heavy. We both would love to date, and we both think we'd be happier if we were.
There are a few problems, however. Number one, which is the lesser issue, is that she has a boyfriend. Objectively speaking, it's not a good relationship. This other guy has some anger problems, gets in a lot of fights, and is generally kind of immature. Talking to some other of my friends that know him better than I do, they all say there really isn't anything desirable about him. Him and Jen have been dating on and off for around a year and a half, but it's always been clear that it wasn't really working out, she dates him more out of comfort because she's used to it now than for anything else. Jen told me she would have no problem breaking up with him for good if we decided we wanted to continue with our own relationship, and I know she wouldn't be bothered by it.
Number two, which is a much bigger problem, is that I leave for college September 10th. I'll be going a few hours out of town; close enough that weekend visits are possible but pretty inconvenient. Near enough that I'd be home all of my breaks (at least for the first year).
As it is, Jen and I are really just frustrated that neither of us acted any sooner than we did. We've both had feeling for each other since a year ago, but we never really admitted it openly to each other until recently. All this said, my choice is pretty obvious. I have to decide if we just stay good friends and move on or if we should make a move of it and start a relationship. If the latter, we also have to see if we'd rather make it a summer fling or something we try to maintain into the fall.
I'm not an idiot, of corse, I understand the implications of the decisions and I already have my preference and reasons for that choice, but I'd love some objective input from the community so I open myself up to your judgement. What do you guys think?
Thanks a lot in advance.
Alright.
1) Her having a boyfriend. As soon as I read this I just quickly skimmed the rest. Get your ass out of this situation. A woman who is willing to consistently cheat on the same individual with you and yet still hasn't left him for you is just trouble. Not only that, she essentially keeps him around as the "backup guy". This woman is not trustworthy and not exactly a fantastic person in general. Cheating on someone is one of the biggest betrayals of trust out there, and if she's not mature enough to break up with him in this situation, well, she's just not worth it. It's pretty naive to think that you're just some ultra-special guy and that because of that she won't even think about doing the same thing with another person when you're gone. Men and women don't radically change like that; past relationship behavior is fairly indicative of future relationship behavior (although it definitely isn't a perfect predictor, so don't go overboard with this).
2) If you really want to be stupid and go for this anyway, then you need to decide to either suck it up and date long-distance (a discussion you'd have with her) or just move on. Personally, I would highly recommend moving on and looking forward to college and the women you'll meet there. College is a huge opportunity for everything, and you'll never get another chance to meet so many new people or do so many new things. Long-distance rarely works (you usually need a very strong relationship before it becomes long-distance) and this girl really doesn't seem worth it. Furthermore, odds are you will get to college and resent her for holding you back from dating new women.
People say, "You'll regret the things you don't do", which is true as a general rule, but what haven't you done? You guys are basically dating and you have gotten to know her. You know she's just going to be a lot of trouble, so what would you miss out on? Unless you are really, really into this girl (which would be stupid anyway, but hey, that's emotions for you), you aren't "missing" anything and you shouldn't regret it.
