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The Pitchfork Preserver, June 23

Blogs > Heyoka
Post a Reply
1 2 3 4 5 Next All
Heyoka
Profile Blog Joined March 2008
Katowice25012 Posts
June 23 2013 23:17 GMT
#1
The Pitchfork Preserver

Twitter At The Speed Of Print

Volume I, Issue 3


North American ROOT Players Offered in Human Sacrifice to Summon Sage

In a desperate attempt to win an Acer TeamStory cup match against Team MVP, ROOT Gaming captain Paulo "CatZ" Vizcarra offered the lives of North American players Minigun, puCK, theognis and ViBE as human sacrifices in an ancient Inca ritual to resurrect the demi-god Sage. Pouring the still-warm blood of his teammates onto the sacrificial alter, Vizcarra invoked the forbidden magic of his ancestors in hopes of summoning the terrifying being, known for bringing bountiful harvests, safe births, and Dark Templar drops.

Vizcarra's eyes rolled back in their sockets as he chanted the primal words required to complete the unholy ritual. "Rhut for Rhut, Rhut for Rhut!" As the skies grew black and thunder crashed all around, an otherworldly voice could be heard to say "The pact is sealed." Reborn as a being of flesh and sinew, the resurrected Sage feasted on the blood of the sacrificed before sitting down to make sure his hotkey settings were correct.

Sage proceeded to lose to a proxy-barracks all-in from 17 year old Korean pro-gamer MVP.Dream.


Foreigners Remember That Time They Believed in Themselves

Following the WCS Season 1 Grand Finals, foreign players spent the last weekend reminiscing about the times in which they could fight evenly on a global scale. "It was pretty stupid of us to ever think we could keep that up," said Liquid Zerg Dario Wünsch, "But at least HuK won that one MLG. Remember that?"

The group, consisting of current WCS competitors as well as former IEM and MLG champions, discussed the brief period of hope and promise they had before Korean competitors were a mainstay at events. "What were we thinking?" stated one past IEM winner, "the Koreans have training facilities with coaches and dedicated staff, we don't even have Ministry of Win anymore."

As the players went their separate ways Stardust sought out Sjow to thank him for having just enough concentration to eliminate Life during DreamHack Summer and ensure his own victory.


David Kim Admits To NASCAR Obsession

The SC2 balance lead told reporters "The dedicated drivers of NASCAR have motivated me to look for extra speed in all areas of my work."

At press time he was seen running Warp Prism and Oracle models up and down his desk while muttering vroom to no one in particular.


GOM Announces Muppets Bert And Ernie As WCS Season 2 Casters


At A Glance

· Redditor Upvotes CSL Post Before Tuning Into IdrA's Stream

· Tasteless Declares This Morning's Breakfast 'Most Delicious Breakfast of All Time'

· DIMAGA Angered That Casters Refuse To Shout His Name

· Charity Stream Raises $4.38 To Fund Cancer Research


Weighing In


With the gaming population aging, we took to the streets to ask older gamers why they spend their time in SC2 instead of engaging in activities appropriate for their withering bodies and minds.

"The sound of Zerglings masks my empty, childless household and existence."

Bethany Serchans,
Cake Maker
"Being kicked out of the local border patrol means the only aliens I can shoot are with marines."

Burt McEnry,
Autoworker
"I'd love to stop and chat but I have crippling social anxiety."



Katie Dumas,
Pool Cleaner



Pitchfork Preserver brought to you by Heyoka, WaxAngel, stuchiu, salle, and kollin, with special thanks to shiro and fusefuse for graphics.


****
@RealHeyoka | ESL / DreamHack StarCraft Lead
Cokefreak
Profile Joined June 2011
Finland8095 Posts
June 23 2013 23:22 GMT
#2
LMAO so good
Antoine
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States7481 Posts
June 23 2013 23:24 GMT
#3
I have to say, this is the best one yet!
ModeratorFlash Sea Action Snow Midas | TheStC Ret Tyler MC | RIP 우정호
DamageControL
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
United States4222 Posts
June 23 2013 23:31 GMT
#4
Lol didn't enjoy the main articles as much, but the ad made up for everything
Liquid | SKT
PhoenixVoid
Profile Blog Joined December 2011
Canada32740 Posts
June 23 2013 23:35 GMT
#5
This is hilarious, I would actually want this as my daily newspaper.
I'm afraid of demented knife-wielding escaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutants
Pimpmuckl
Profile Joined March 2011
Germany528 Posts
June 23 2013 23:46 GMT
#6
[x] Like. Roflroflrofl.
twitter.com/pimpmuckl
fenrysk
Profile Blog Joined August 2011
United States364 Posts
June 23 2013 23:56 GMT
#7
just too damn good.
http://fenrysk-art.deviantart.com
Badfatpanda
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States9719 Posts
June 24 2013 00:25 GMT
#8
You've outdone yourself this time, lmfao.
Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy. -Beethoven | Mech isn't a build, it's a way of life. -MajOr | Charlie.Sheen: "What is sarcastic, kids who have no courage to fight?" | #TerranPride #yolo #swag -Naama after 2-0'ing MC at HSC VI
Dodgin
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
Canada39254 Posts
June 24 2013 00:26 GMT
#9
· Redditor Upvotes CSL Post Before Tuning Into IdrA's Stream

the truth hurts
teddyoojo
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
Germany22369 Posts
June 24 2013 00:26 GMT
#10
best main article yet!
Esports historian since 2000. Creator of 'The Universe' and 'The best scrambled Eggs 2013'. Host of 'Star Wars Marathon 2015'. Thinker of 'teddyoojo's Thoughts'. Earths and Moons leading CS:GO expert. Lord of the Rings.
Shinespark
Profile Joined June 2011
Chile843 Posts
June 24 2013 00:33 GMT
#11
Hilarious!
"I, for one, welcome our new Korean overlords."
OmniEulogy
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Canada6592 Posts
June 24 2013 00:39 GMT
#12
I was reading this over with a friend and I have to say it was pretty good
LiquidDota Staff
Ichabod
Profile Joined May 2010
United States1659 Posts
June 24 2013 00:39 GMT
#13
Fantastic edition.

Poor DIMAGA!
Boucot
Profile Blog Joined October 2011
France15997 Posts
June 24 2013 00:47 GMT
#14
This is so good, I would love to read this on a more regular basis. So many good things !
Former SC2 writer for Millenium - twitter.com/Boucot
CuteZergling
Profile Joined November 2011
641 Posts
June 24 2013 00:49 GMT
#15
Tip, in case you miss it, click the pictures!
Team owner of team QTLing
DavoS
Profile Blog Joined October 2012
United States4605 Posts
June 24 2013 00:55 GMT
#16
Everytime I make an Oracle from now on, I'm going to make vroom noises when i micro it
"KDA is actually the most useless stat in the game" Aui_2000
docvoc
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States5491 Posts
June 24 2013 00:59 GMT
#17
I always love this . Keep it up Heyoka. Also, I like the advertisement in the middle, that makes this.
User was warned for too many mimes.
Jaaaaasper
Profile Blog Joined April 2012
United States10225 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-06-24 01:04:18
June 24 2013 01:04 GMT
#18
That was pretty good, the ad made up for the sadness caused by the csl bit.
Hey do you want to hear a joke? Chinese production value. | I thought he had a aegis- Ayesee | When did 7ing mad last have a good game, 2012?
Deleted User 135096
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
3624 Posts
June 24 2013 01:11 GMT
#19
yay, another one!
Administrator
Brotatolol
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
United States1742 Posts
June 24 2013 01:15 GMT
#20
Great work with this hahaha, the "At a Glance" section was my favorite. 5/5
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