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I don't really have a fucking clue about poetry. I studied it in high school. Never understood it, but I think a poem might be the right way to help express how I'm feeling, so here goes.
I can't fake it anymore
I know it may seem like I'm being selfish at times.
I know it may seem like I'm being childish.
I accept that fully.
I don't pretend that you believe the same things that I do.
I think you think the same things you think I do.
But we are different.
I'm tired of playing games, that involve the senses.
When I try to make amends, you play defenseless.
It's over.
With the light streaming in, I can now play a part...
In the unending wheel of fortune , and surrender
my self to those who care
and those whom I care for...
Thanks for reading. (high five my first poem)
  
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Sometimes poetry or song is the only way to express what you want to say.
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I think poetry is still considered a bit ridiculous by most people, so it's not a tragedy to "not get it"
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In my opinion,
Any group of words can be poetry.
Delicious chicken.
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Wow, this is your first poem?
I have to say, it's very reminiscent of, say, William McGonnogal or the likes!
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On May 10 2013 16:41 Osmoses wrote:
I think poetry is still considered a bit ridiculous by most people, so it's not a tragedy to "not get it"
It isn't a "still" thing, it's a more recent thing. Poetry had been something that kings payed a lot to get, at least good poetry, and I'm sure people made fun of it then, like people make fun of everything. Now-a-days it's made fun of because either people think it's girly or people think it makes no money, but poetry is one of the most beautiful arts, at least when done correctly. You're right though, very few people actually get it, and it isn't a tragedy not to fully understand poetry, I don't think most people could ever ascribe to understanding it fully.
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On May 10 2013 16:23 TheAmazombie wrote:
Sometimes poetry or song is the only way to express what you want to say.
I doubt that...however, when people want to be dramatic, then poetry or song is the only way to express what they want to say
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Is this about IdrA and EG?
Nice one, for a first try. You can totally go freeform - I'd suggest trying to be as abstract as you can. It's more entertaining that way.
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Free form poetry is just speaking in short sentences. I know you said you don't get poetry, but do at least try to make it sound a bit more poetic by either using high-level vocabulary, switching words around in the sentences, changing the topic from something material/physical to something more emotional/thought provoking, or at least making it rhyme.
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i think the first stanza could be more effective if you focus on something concrete/real rather than using ambiguous and generally undefinable terms like "im being selfish at times" and "childish"- how you go about it would be entirely up to you and is the product of your influences etc.
in the second stanza you introduce a lot of "thinking". as a whole, i think this is a mistake and you let the poem get away from you because it puts the "speaker" of the poem in a negative light-- he is caught up in abstraction and thought rather than being in the moment, in the present etc. it is no wonder there is this split between the narrator and the "you" in the poem-- i would even go as far as to say that it feels like the narrator is trying to place the blame on the "you" when the reality is that the blame should be resting on the narrator.
from here you go onto using a lot of abstractions that dont really have any meaning
ie "im tired of playing games, that involve the senses" -- im pretty sure every game that you play has to involve one sense or another
"when i try to make amends, you play defenseless" -- i think you might be mixing your metaphor up in here, typically you dont "make amends" when you are playing a game
"with the light streaming in, i can now play a part" -- the way i imagine this working is the narrator is on a stage with the lights dark and then the lights focus on him and he starts to "play his part", feels like it might be out of place
"in the unending wheel of fortune" -- this doesnt mean anything
some of this is dependent on your own aesthetic, personally i try to avoid all metaphor and figurative language in my poetry and write using a very concrete style that is focused on and grounded in "real things". i try to avoid making "value judgements" in my poetry, like write in a really kind of detached sort of way (for example the part where i said it seemed like the narrator wants to put some sort of blame on the "you", this is something that i would avoid)
if you want to continue writing poetry as a thing, i would recommend that you try your best to read a lot of poetry. you don't have to "study" it, you can just look for poetry that you like and think about what makes you like it, what you think makes it effective, etc., and piece together your own aesthetic from there.
also i would avoid the advice of people who suggest that you mess up the syntax of the sentences, who suggest you become "more abstract", etc. as a reader of poems whenever i come across a poem that does these things i typically groan and just move on to another poem. also i think someone said to use "high vocabulary" which is another aesthetic choice and i think that if you were to do something like that in this poem then you would have an unbearably pretentious narrator moreso than you have now.
gl, you do some interesting things in terms of prosody (like the shrinking lines), keep on truckin
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A poem is just a song without music, after all.
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Thanks for the feedbacks, appreciate it.
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EPT
