When I was in "Senior high" (?? dunno the word for it but age 16-19) I hung out with one dude (T) and one girl (E).
We were always together in school and out of school, we were best buddies.
After finishing school, now over 3 years ago, we kinda went our seperate ways. Me and T had our football (soccer for you muricans) interest and went to a few games together but we gradually stopped going together, work and girlfriends and other events came inbetween.
I rarely spent time with E. I think I've spent time with her 3 or 4 times in these 3 years since school. We still keep in contact through facebook and texts/phonecalls, though rarely as of late.
2 weeks ago, aprox 1 year since I saw both T and E irl, I picked up my phone and called E, saying that we have to go out, us 3, and have a few beers and catch up. Of course she wanted that! I mean it's been 3 years since we all 3 spent time together. It will be awesome, just like the days of old. I called T and he said of course as well.
1 week ago, she called me and said she couldn't make it on our set date because her boyfriend didn't allow it....
WHAT?!?!? What the fuck did I just hear you say?
Now, I gotta say, E has always had some trouble finding sane boyfriends. I don't think she's ever had a boyfriend that I, or T, thought to be a good guy. We always told her, and still do, that she's gotta stop seeing steroidguys 10 years older than her who's fucking mental. She always laughs it away.
Anyways, continuing the call, she said that her boyfriend thinks me and T just wanna fuck her (really? we've known eachother for 6 years now as friends, and we want to fuck her NOW?) and he continues to say, like the smart individual he is, that "guys should not speak to other guys' girlfriends".... He think's it's disrespectful towards him for us to call his girlfriend, who happens to be our buddy since 6 years back...
That must be the silliest thing I've ever heard.
She's asked me to not contact her, because her boyfriend goes nuts. Instead she said she will contact me.
I dunno who the feel sorry for... Me and T for not being able to see our friend? E for not learning to get a decent boyfriend? Or for E's boyfriend for being so insecure and jealous that he won't even allow her girl to see her male friends.
If hanging out as a group is so important, then ask again but make sure to personally invite E's boyfriend.
He feels threatened by the prospect of losing E to 2 good friends. The record needs to be set straight that you guys are not attempting to steal her.
Yes, it may work out that E breaks up with her boyfriend and everything will be alright. However, what happens if they continue to date and eventually get very serious? When will you ever be allowed to hang out again?
Edit: Also, just think, E has talked about you and T in a positive manner. To an insecure guy, dating a fabulous catch like E, he is competing with the IDEA of you and T, not the true reality.
On May 07 2013 23:57 TOCHMY wrote: I dunno who the feel sorry for... Me and T for not being able to see our friend? E for not learning to get a decent boyfriend? Or for E's boyfriend for being so insecure and jealous that he won't even allow her girl to see her male friends.
All of the above? In my experience, an extreme, unwarranted, unwavering insecurity and/or jealousy means that said jealous and/or insecure person is the one who is actually cheating.
well that's pretty sad. I can't believe she's okay with that...it almost seems like she's not allowed to have any male friends at all because of her ridiculously insecure boyfriend. Almost sounds like she's living in some middle-eastern country under Sharia law; she has a right to see whoever she wants, her boyfriend doesn't control her social life. Hopefully she leaves him and you can finally reunite!!
I've got a gf but I have no problem with her hanging out with male friends or going on trips w/e. Mostly because I realize that if she want's to cheat on me there is plenty of opportunity that I would never even have a chance of finding out about.
Those guys make me laugh so much. So insecure xD I guess there isn't much for you to do, keep pointing out to E whenever you can that he is really insecure etc and surely friends > boyfriends and stuff. I've never had this kind of situation happen to me because i just don't let it happen. If one of my mates gets a gf i just don't invite them out because it always goes wrong. GF becomes jealous/bored and leaves early or they come out and invite their friends and it becomes stupid and that quiet drink/social occasion ends up in a club and what not >.<
Anyway...sucks man! It's always nice keeping up to date with old friends from school, so annoying you cant reminisce!
Some guys are just like that. Most girls realize sometime in the 20s what kinds of guys are those dumbasses, others take longer or just never realize. Unfortunately, there's probably not much you can do to convince her to realize how boneheaded she's being, she'll need some sort of epiphany :D
Otherwise, just move on and eventually she'll call you up and say "damn, I was dumb"
On May 08 2013 01:35 Pandemona wrote: Those guys make me laugh so much. So insecure xD I guess there isn't much for you to do, keep pointing out to E whenever you can that he is really insecure etc and surely friends > boyfriends and stuff. I've never had this kind of situation happen to me because i just don't let it happen. If one of my mates gets a gf i just don't invite them out because it always goes wrong. GF becomes jealous/bored and leaves early or they come out and invite their friends and it becomes stupid and that quiet drink/social occasion ends up in a club and what not >.<
Anyway...sucks man! It's always nice keeping up to date with old friends from school, so annoying you cant reminisce!
wait... your solution is whenever one of your friends gets a GF / BF you stop hanging out with them? genius
On May 08 2013 01:13 radscorpion9 wrote: well that's pretty sad. I can't believe she's okay with that...it almost seems like she's not allowed to have any male friends at all because of her ridiculously insecure boyfriend. Almost sounds like she's living in some middle-eastern country under Sharia law; she has a right to see whoever she wants, her boyfriend doesn't control her social life. Hopefully she leaves him and you can finally reunite!!
Because breaking up a (potentially) loving partnership over the ability to have friends of the opposite sex makes perfect sense. What purpose are they serving exactly? There's a reason that there is physical cheating and emotional cheating; if a girl/guy is getting physically or emotionally satisfied by someone other than their partner, then I would have to question their actual desire for that partner that they're with.
By the same token, I certainly don't have female friends that I would risk my relationship over. If my girlfriend has an issue with someone I talk to, I don't have a problem with stopping.
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As for the OP, with "She's asked me to not contact her, because her boyfriend goes nuts. Instead she said she will contact me." - you're basically having her now be unfaithful and keep your relationship on the down-low. This is pretty much exactly why the other guy has said what he said. She's now undermining her boyfriend over your supposed friendship. She obviously doesn't care that much about him then.
On May 08 2013 01:13 radscorpion9 wrote: well that's pretty sad. I can't believe she's okay with that...it almost seems like she's not allowed to have any male friends at all because of her ridiculously insecure boyfriend. Almost sounds like she's living in some middle-eastern country under Sharia law; she has a right to see whoever she wants, her boyfriend doesn't control her social life. Hopefully she leaves him and you can finally reunite!!
Because breaking up a (potentially) loving partnership over the ability to have friends of the opposite sex makes perfect sense. What purpose are they serving exactly? There's a reason that there is physical cheating and emotional cheating; if a girl/guy is getting physically or emotionally satisfied by someone other than their partner, then I would have to question their actual desire for that partner that they're with.
By the same token, I certainly don't have female friends that I would risk my relationship over. If my girlfriend has an issue with someone I talk to, I don't have a problem with stopping.
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As for the OP, with "She's asked me to not contact her, because her boyfriend goes nuts. Instead she said she will contact me." - you're basically having her now be unfaithful and keep your relationship on the down-low. This is pretty much exactly why the other guy has said what he said. She's now undermining her boyfriend over your supposed friendship. She obviously doesn't care that much about him then.
Are you serious? "Undermining her boyfriend over your supposed friendship" because they haven't seen eachother for a year and want to catch up over a few beers? Man, with your view everything involving a person of the opposite sex seems like it's cheating. I have several very close and important friends of both sexes that I wouldn't give up because of my girlfriend saying so and neither of my exes have had any issue with me hanging out with friends regardless of them being male or female. Bottom line is that this is a trust issue, and if a partner can't trust you enough to let you spend time with friends of the opposite sex there is something truly wrong with the relationship at least in my point of view. I mean okay if they had a history of sleeping together or such but being long time buddies is a completely different thing.
On May 08 2013 07:57 Provocateur wrote: Are you serious? "Undermining her boyfriend over your supposed friendship" because they haven't seen eachother for a year and want to catch up over a few beers? Man, with your view everything involving a person of the opposite sex seems like it's cheating. I have several very close and important friends of both sexes that I wouldn't give up because of my girlfriend saying so and neither of my exes have had any issue with me hanging out with friends regardless of them being male or female. Bottom line is that this is a trust issue, and if a partner can't trust you enough to let you spend time with friends of the opposite sex there is something truly wrong with the relationship at least in my point of view. I mean okay if they had a history of sleeping together or such but being long time buddies is a completely different thing.
The undermining comment was in reference to now her keeping her communication with the OP a secret; not the act of going out for a drink or outing with them.
I think you're overreaching on the "everything is cheating" aspect, but if you can't give up friends for your partner, it comes down to the value you place on things. In most cases, it could very well be a trust thing, maybe not with him being insecure about himself, but about his girlfriend and her actions.
That being said, I'm an extremely jaded individual because I've been part of three separate affairs when I've been single. In all situations, I was "just a friend." So I have a first-hand account of how things can develop, the arguments the girl uses, the excuses she has used with her boyfriend/husband about what she was supposedly doing. So I completely understand why a guy may forbid such contact with men.
Does that mean every coffee or drink a girl has with a guy friend, that it's somehow cheating? Of course not. My girlfriend has a few guy friends she goes for coffee with once in awhile, and she knows my past, so she understands how I view it. It's not always so cut and dry, no matter how people think it may seem.
On May 07 2013 23:57 TOCHMY wrote: We always told her, and still do, that she's gotta stop seeing steroidguys 10 years older than her who's fucking mental. She always laughs it away.
I'm so angry.
Sounds like he has good instincts.
You two don't have anything in common anymore, time to move on.
If you want to catch up, why not get to know the person she's with?
If my girlfriend tells me to stop seeing my best friend of n-years, the first thing she'll get is a cold goodbye. My friends are most important to me and if a new partner would think (who I probably know for a smaller period of time) she could make a point or can actually have an argument about it, that would be game over for the relationship.
On May 08 2013 01:13 radscorpion9 wrote: well that's pretty sad. I can't believe she's okay with that...it almost seems like she's not allowed to have any male friends at all because of her ridiculously insecure boyfriend. Almost sounds like she's living in some middle-eastern country under Sharia law; she has a right to see whoever she wants, her boyfriend doesn't control her social life. Hopefully she leaves him and you can finally reunite!!
Because breaking up a (potentially) loving partnership over the ability to have friends of the opposite sex makes perfect sense. What purpose are they serving exactly? There's a reason that there is physical cheating and emotional cheating; if a girl/guy is getting physically or emotionally satisfied by someone other than their partner, then I would have to question their actual desire for that partner that they're with.
By the same token, I certainly don't have female friends that I would risk my relationship over. If my girlfriend has an issue with someone I talk to, I don't have a problem with stopping.
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As for the OP, with "She's asked me to not contact her, because her boyfriend goes nuts. Instead she said she will contact me." - you're basically having her now be unfaithful and keep your relationship on the down-low. This is pretty much exactly why the other guy has said what he said. She's now undermining her boyfriend over your supposed friendship. She obviously doesn't care that much about him then.
Wow you must be a terrible friend or you simply don't have strong bonds. Trust is the base of a relationship. If your partner doesn't trust you, not seeing your friends won't help. Not seeing your friends will not make you any happier. A relationship is - unlike some people think - something that should make you happy in the first place. Not the partner, you. Ofcourse its always good if both are happy, but making her/him happy while making yourself unhappy/uneasy is stupid. Why would I give up on friends that I know for several years for someone I actually don't know that long? Love / flatter can be a fluke and while I think good friends would forgive such stupidity, it doesn't make it any better.
In the end worst case is, that you left your friends behind and the relationship breaks, because there was no trust involved to begin with. Do you really think its more likely to cheat with a close friend compared to a stranger in a club? I don't know but I feel its not. If your gf is a cheater and/or wants to cheat on you, she will and you probably will not find out.
On May 07 2013 23:57 TOCHMY wrote: We always told her, and still do, that she's gotta stop seeing steroidguys 10 years older than her who's fucking mental. She always laughs it away.
I'm so angry.
Sounds like he has good instincts.
You two don't have anything in common anymore, time to move on.
If you want to catch up, why not get to know the person she's with?
Because I'm afraid that person will punch me in the dick without warning. You guys don't know what kind of guy he is. He's REALLY agressive.
Just to let you know what type of guys she's dating.
Her previous relationship was with a muslim dude, like 32 or smt (she was 20 at the time), big ass dude, we called him crazy eyes cuz he had that angry look all the time, like Collina.
Anyway, we were out having a beer, this was 1.5 years ago. This bloke drove to the place we were at and stood outside, staring in.... He texted her smt and she looked at her phone, but didn't respond. The guy flips out and rushes in and practically drags her out. Dunno what happened after that, but that was the last time i spent time with her. I seen her out a few times cuz she lives pretty much next door.
Now, I've told E that I'm more than willing to meet this dude, so that he can see that he has nothing to fear. I'm not gonna steal his girl. E says that it's not a good idea, because he would punch me in the dick... So yeah!
Only solution I see is to wait the relationship out.
I can understand the BF because the majority of guys want to get with girls the majority of the time. I'm guessing he's had some bad experiences.
The solution(if you want to see her)? Invite the BF along, and make him feel welcome. He is just a paranoid guy, not necessarily a bad guy. You might even like him. Either way, you get to see your old buddy.
On May 08 2013 22:18 [sc1f]eonzerg wrote: #1 u like her #2 she is the silly here, she allow his bf to control her life #3 she is not the right person just move on
On May 08 2013 07:57 Provocateur wrote: Are you serious? "Undermining her boyfriend over your supposed friendship" because they haven't seen eachother for a year and want to catch up over a few beers? Man, with your view everything involving a person of the opposite sex seems like it's cheating. I have several very close and important friends of both sexes that I wouldn't give up because of my girlfriend saying so and neither of my exes have had any issue with me hanging out with friends regardless of them being male or female. Bottom line is that this is a trust issue, and if a partner can't trust you enough to let you spend time with friends of the opposite sex there is something truly wrong with the relationship at least in my point of view. I mean okay if they had a history of sleeping together or such but being long time buddies is a completely different thing.
The undermining comment was in reference to now her keeping her communication with the OP a secret; not the act of going out for a drink or outing with them.
I think you're overreaching on the "everything is cheating" aspect, but if you can't give up friends for your partner, it comes down to the value you place on things. In most cases, it could very well be a trust thing, maybe not with him being insecure about himself, but about his girlfriend and her actions.
That being said, I'm an extremely jaded individual because I've been part of three separate affairs when I've been single. In all situations, I was "just a friend." So I have a first-hand account of how things can develop, the arguments the girl uses, the excuses she has used with her boyfriend/husband about what she was supposedly doing. So I completely understand why a guy may forbid such contact with men.
Does that mean every coffee or drink a girl has with a guy friend, that it's somehow cheating? Of course not. My girlfriend has a few guy friends she goes for coffee with once in awhile, and she knows my past, so she understands how I view it. It's not always so cut and dry, no matter how people think it may seem.
if you're giving up friends for your so, you're an idiot, a doormat, and probably every bit as insecure as the moron you're allowing to dictate your life.
On May 09 2013 01:25 QuanticHawk wrote: if you're giving up friends for your so, you're an idiot, a doormat, and probably every bit as insecure as the moron you're allowing to dictate your life.
It's not really "giving up friends" as it is understanding the value placed on those relationships and finding balance for what matters to you. If I had a significant other that constantly hassled me over things I did, people I talked to, etc... obviously that is going to lead to unhappiness and a dysfunctional relationship. I have no such qualms though, personally.
so you are saying that if your hypothetical girlfriend was hassling you for having genuinely plutonic female friends, that you'd happily cut them out of your life rather than telling your girl to stop acting like a teenager or outright dumping her??
if you have friends—not a 'friend' who is trying to get in your pants, who openly hits on you or youre keeping around on the side if shit goes south—but a genuine, platonic friends that your SO is trying to cut out for whatever insane reason, you are already in a dysfunctional relationship
Normal people don't do that shit. What that says is a) they don't trust you and b) they think you are too weak to say no to someone hitting on you. It's ridiculously controlling, insecure and fucked up. Oh, and the people who say that shit are also the creeps that crawl through your phone, email and facebook.
On May 10 2013 01:29 QuanticHawk wrote: so you are saying that if your hypothetical girlfriend was hassling you for having genuinely plutonic female friends, that you'd happily cut them out of your life rather than telling your girl to stop acting like a teenager or outright dumping her??
A few of my past girlfriends were uncomfortable with some of the female friends that I had, and I did cut them out of my life for that relationship. My current girlfriend doesn't really mind as much. It may seem childish or teenage-like, but if it's in my power to compromise and make my partner comfortable, I'm not going to stay stubborn.
On May 10 2013 01:29 QuanticHawk wrote: if you have friends—not a 'friend' who is trying to get in your pants, who openly hits on you or youre keeping around on the side if shit goes south—but a genuine, platonic friends that your SO is trying to cut out for whatever insane reason, you are already in a dysfunctional relationship
This is somewhat questionable. I've been the platonic friend before, and have had no interest in sleeping with those women. Fact is, after going through their own rough patches, and coming and receiving advice, it moved past a platonic relationship; three separate times. Did I force myself into those scenarios? Of course not, but I certainly took advantage of their willingness. They all avoided the initial advice of ending things because it was far more of a hassle, and did what most people do, and that's cheat.
On May 10 2013 01:29 QuanticHawk wrote: Normal people don't do that shit. What that says is a) they don't trust you and b) they think you are too weak to say no to someone hitting on you. It's ridiculously controlling, insecure and fucked up. Oh, and the people who say that shit are also the creeps that crawl through your phone, email and facebook.
It's very possible that they didn't trust me even though I've never cheated; the same way certain people in my former and current significant other's past concern me (whether they've cheated or not). For me, like respect, trust has to be earned; walking into a relationship expecting to act however you did when you were single is just going to set you up for failure. And if certain actions are shady, trust will be earned far more slowly.
EPT
