Azubu Employee Assures Family, Friends, Company is Definitely-Not-Scam
David Campbell, devoted Azubu employee, was seen yesterday gathering his friends and family "just to let them know that Azubu is definitely not a scam". The company, which first began sponsorship of esports leagues and players last year, is "totally real," he assured. The meeting included citing their two business forays with a social media network and streaming platform, which are "absolutely actual things."
When his mother inquired about his duties and responsibilities on a day to day basis, David said his time is largely increasing company synergy, building the brand organically, and managing client relationships. "I'm really busy," he added, "ensuring we are able to grow at this crucial time in our operations."
The assembly concluded with a promise of refreshments, to be revealed at a later date.
Sundance Sends Robot Back In Time To Terminate Event Admin
Following confusion in MLG match times this week, the CEO was reported walking through a luminous ball of pulsating energy with a bionic being discussing taking care of business. Sundance expressed to the media that he is from a time where he "gets it" and that steps need to be taken to prevent 'The Great Reckoning'.
When approached for comment the cyborg declined, saying only that next time he will be available.
HasuObs Victorious After Opponent Dies Of Exhaustion During Nine Day Game
The post-game autopsy revealed Bly's heart failed on day five of the marathon game, though HasuObs continued play for four more days until ESL was notified of Bly's passing. 'I thought I just needed a little more time to complete my composition, I'm sorry to hear of my opponent's passing," HasuObs told reporters in a press conference following the match.
Thorzain commented, "I think Hasuobs attacked a little too early and should have built on top of his lead."
Empire Destroys Alliance Teamhouse With Giant Laser
Following seasons of HOT6 GSL and Mango Six GSL, today GomTV announced they would be partnering with Six Flags for their next event. Representatives of the national amusement chain told fans to look forward to new booth technology allowing competitors to produce and control troops while enjoying stomach-wrenching undulations of the tilt-a-whirl and flagship 'Mega Wedgie' attractions.
At A Glance
· Stephano Gives Smug Look While Contemplating Next Shenanigan
· Jaedong in Shame Chair After Losing to White Man
· Organ Planning ID Change to Harpsichord
This update brought to you by WaxAngel, HawaiianPig, stuchiu, me, and whoever else I stole ideas from
If this little publication doesn't become a regular thing, I'll probably have to throw my wheelchair out the window of my fourth story apartment onto an unsuspecting passerby. For the safety of those completely innocent bystanders, I emplore you to not let that happen.
Everything before this was just whipped cream atop of this cake. Never stop this. I cannot stress enough how much I love this. (<3 comes pretty close) Good job.
I can confirm the piece regarding Bly and HasuObs is NOT made up - I was close to suffering from brain Haemorrhage whilst casting the game in question.
Six Flags and GSL - "told fans to look forward to new booth technology allowing competitors to produce and control troops while enjoying stomach-wrenching undulations of the tilt-a-whirl".
Nearly spewed my lunch onto the screen at work. Well done.
In a surprise forum post, notable Blizzard figurehead Dustin Browder announced his intention to play in the as-yet-rumored Blizzard Cup open bracket. This marks an important change in Blizzard's long-time public stance, disallowing employees to actually play Blizzard games. A random player, Browder reports that preparation goes well, "There's a whole lot of room for development in the meta-game, right? Players are using just some of the tools in the arsenal but at the pro level we're just not seeing what our internal testing suggests should be the most stable playscape. I'm going to change that." Browder's manager and long-time bridge partner, David Kim, also provided this statement, "Yeah, we haven't seen Dusty in the office for a few weeks now. His away message on skype has been "I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET AND IT IS INDESTRUCTIBLE" for the last couple days and he's blowing through company keyboards. We're concerned, but his fierce competitive spirit is unmatched. Team Blizzard on the prowl, I guess."
Unforgiven
Since his defection to League earlier this year, Marcus "DJ Wheat" Wheat has been struggling to retain his position in the Starcraft community as slightly-older-dude-your-dad-can-relate-to-at-MLG. When asked about his original switch in a Skype interview, Wheat was unapologetic; "You gotta go where the money is, man. Look, I haven't done anything wrong by providing for my kids. MiniWheat's gotta eat." He understands however, as we all do, that League's emergence is short-lived. Recently, Riot announced that streams seem to have peaked, averaging just 400,000 concurrent viewers per hour, per event. As the ship abandons you will see other personalities continue to return, and even redefine themselves as true-blue SC2 fan boys. "I'm getting a Kerrigan tattoo on my bicep. Frankly, honestly, I've been thinking of getting it for a while. I fucking love SC2, man. I love it. It's the best. It's the only game. I love you guys, really. Please. I love you." The interview was cut short due to an upcoming League of Legends Tournament.
On May 07 2013 03:46 Olex wrote: Browder to Compete
In a surprise forum post, notable Blizzard figurehead Dustin Browder announced his intention to play in the as-yet-rumored Blizzard Cup open bracket. This marks an important change in Blizzard's long-time public stance, disallowing employees to actually play Blizzard games. A random player, Browder reports that preparation goes well, "There's a whole lot of room for development in the meta-game, right? Players are using just some of the tools in the arsenal but at the pro level we're just not seeing what our internal testing suggests should be the most stable playscape. I'm going to change that." Browder's manager and long-time bridge partner, David Kim, also provided this statement, "Yeah, we haven't seen Dusty in the office for a few weeks now. His away message on skype has been "I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET AND IT IS INDESTRUCTIBLE" for the last couple days and he's blowing through company keyboards. We're concerned, but his fierce competitive spirit is unmatched. Team Blizzard on the prowl, I guess."
Unforgiven
Since his defection to League earlier this year, Marcus "DJ Wheat" Wheat has been struggling to retain his position in the Starcraft community as slightly-older-dude-your-dad-can-relate-to-at-MLG. When asked about his original switch in a Skype interview, Wheat was unapologetic; "You gotta go where the money is, man. Look, I haven't done anything wrong by providing for my kids. MiniWheat's gotta eat." He understands however, as we all do, that League's emergence is short-lived. Recently, Riot announced that streams seem to have peaked, averaging just 400,000 concurrent viewers per hour, per event. As the ship abandons you will see other personalities continue to return, and even redefine themselves as true-blue SC2 fan boys. "I'm getting a Kerrigan tattoo on my bicep. Frankly, honestly, I've been thinking of getting it for a while. I fucking love SC2, man. I love it. It's the best. It's the only game. I love you guys, really. Please. I love you." The interview was cut short due to an upcoming League of Legends Tournament.
lol this is pretty good. u guys should make a 2nd issue.
On May 06 2013 19:53 GaNgStaRR.ElV wrote: Nice but don't really get the AZUBU digs.....
One day, Azubu came out of nowhere and invested more money into esports than almost anyone else. Since then, they have continued contributing enormous sums of money to various parts of the scene, for no obvious gain. Furthermore, despite being active for years, we know nothing of import about them. Nothing. It got to the point where people were making jokes about Azubu being a front for some drug lord who really likes Starcraft 2.
Also, if you press the Quote button in the upper right corner of his post, you'll be able to see exactly what he wrote and have a convenient way to reply.
On May 07 2013 03:46 Olex wrote: Browder to Compete
In a surprise forum post, notable Blizzard figurehead Dustin Browder announced his intention to play in the as-yet-rumored Blizzard Cup open bracket. This marks an important change in Blizzard's long-time public stance, disallowing employees to actually play Blizzard games. A random player, Browder reports that preparation goes well, "There's a whole lot of room for development in the meta-game, right? Players are using just some of the tools in the arsenal but at the pro level we're just not seeing what our internal testing suggests should be the most stable playscape. I'm going to change that." Browder's manager and long-time bridge partner, David Kim, also provided this statement, "Yeah, we haven't seen Dusty in the office for a few weeks now. His away message on skype has been "I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET AND IT IS INDESTRUCTIBLE" for the last couple days and he's blowing through company keyboards. We're concerned, but his fierce competitive spirit is unmatched. Team Blizzard on the prowl, I guess."
Unforgiven
Since his defection to League earlier this year, Marcus "DJ Wheat" Wheat has been struggling to retain his position in the Starcraft community as slightly-older-dude-your-dad-can-relate-to-at-MLG. When asked about his original switch in a Skype interview, Wheat was unapologetic; "You gotta go where the money is, man. Look, I haven't done anything wrong by providing for my kids. MiniWheat's gotta eat." He understands however, as we all do, that League's emergence is short-lived. Recently, Riot announced that streams seem to have peaked, averaging just 400,000 concurrent viewers per hour, per event. As the ship abandons you will see other personalities continue to return, and even redefine themselves as true-blue SC2 fan boys. "I'm getting a Kerrigan tattoo on my bicep. Frankly, honestly, I've been thinking of getting it for a while. I fucking love SC2, man. I love it. It's the best. It's the only game. I love you guys, really. Please. I love you." The interview was cut short due to an upcoming League of Legends Tournament.
On May 07 2013 03:46 Olex wrote: Browder to Compete
In a surprise forum post, notable Blizzard figurehead Dustin Browder announced his intention to play in the as-yet-rumored Blizzard Cup open bracket. This marks an important change in Blizzard's long-time public stance, disallowing employees to actually play Blizzard games. A random player, Browder reports that preparation goes well, "There's a whole lot of room for development in the meta-game, right? Players are using just some of the tools in the arsenal but at the pro level we're just not seeing what our internal testing suggests should be the most stable playscape. I'm going to change that." Browder's manager and long-time bridge partner, David Kim, also provided this statement, "Yeah, we haven't seen Dusty in the office for a few weeks now. His away message on skype has been "I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET AND IT IS INDESTRUCTIBLE" for the last couple days and he's blowing through company keyboards. We're concerned, but his fierce competitive spirit is unmatched. Team Blizzard on the prowl, I guess."
Unforgiven
Since his defection to League earlier this year, Marcus "DJ Wheat" Wheat has been struggling to retain his position in the Starcraft community as slightly-older-dude-your-dad-can-relate-to-at-MLG. When asked about his original switch in a Skype interview, Wheat was unapologetic; "You gotta go where the money is, man. Look, I haven't done anything wrong by providing for my kids. MiniWheat's gotta eat." He understands however, as we all do, that League's emergence is short-lived. Recently, Riot announced that streams seem to have peaked, averaging just 400,000 concurrent viewers per hour, per event. As the ship abandons you will see other personalities continue to return, and even redefine themselves as true-blue SC2 fan boys. "I'm getting a Kerrigan tattoo on my bicep. Frankly, honestly, I've been thinking of getting it for a while. I fucking love SC2, man. I love it. It's the best. It's the only game. I love you guys, really. Please. I love you." The interview was cut short due to an upcoming League of Legends Tournament.
Pretty funny but not gut-busting like the OP
Thanks, just some one-offs inspired by them. Love stuff like this, and I forgot to say it my post but, great job overmasters : P
To be honest, I'd probably watch a game of Starcraft 2 with both players on a pirate ship ride. They would have to macro and micro despite their stomachs sinking repeatedly, and they would have next level strategies such as attacking when your opponent is falling, as well as suiciding your army to finish the game no matter what since you are feeling too sick.
Since this is supposed to look like a newspaper, perhaps the header logo needs to be a little bigger. Also, some of the formating still gives off Word document vibes. xD Maybe also pick a non-white, paper-colored background?
On May 06 2013 11:16 turdburgler wrote: everyone hating on azubu, when there are so many more bad businesses in esports that we know so much about to hate on.
That's sort of the point... we don't know anything about Azubu.
EPT
Sundance Sends Robot Back In Time To Terminate Event Admin
Moon wrongly implicated in complex ploy.
