EPTAs I loaded up on chips and salsa at the buffet, I noticed nobody else was eating anything. They were all crowding around Dan’s coffin. I shoved people out of the way to get a good look. It was here I noticed what everyone was gawking at.
“Is that suit Armani?” I asked. Nobody answered me so I decided to do some investigating. As I reached into Dan’s coffin to more closely examine the suit, I accidentally spilled some of the salsa from my plate on him. At this point, everyone was staring at me, horrified. I hurriedly eased their concerns.
“Don’t worry” I told them. “My buddy Cho at Cho’s Dry Cleaning Services can buff this stain right out.” Problem solved.
As I started undressing Dan to get the suit off for cleaning, my cell phone rang. My Le Cucaracha ringtone played throughout the room a couple of times before I turned it off.
After I finally managed to wrestle the suit off Dan, I left the room and threw it in the backseat of my car.
“You know, it’s a pretty expensive suit. I better cover it up with something.” I thought. I reached under my front seat and grabbed my emergency collection of porno mags to cover the suit with. Dan would have been proud.
After effectively covering up the suit with my magazines (and keeping some under my own coat to look at later during the funeral), I headed back inside. Unfortunately when I got there, the door was locked. They must have forgotten I left.
After multiple knocks on the door with no answer, I broke open a window and unlocked it from the other side. Everyone was once again looking at me when I came in.
“Sorry for the mess” I apologized. No response.
As I rejoined the crowd, people started whispering to each other in a volume inaudible to me. I could only guess as to what they were saying, but it was probably about how peaceful Dan looked. It was a few minutes after that that people went up to speak about Dan’s life. Martha got up first. She sobbed throughout her speech.
“He was always such a nice man to be around. *sniff. I’ll never forget the good times we had. This...this is just so hard.”
I turned to the old lady sitting next to me. “That’s what she said” I whispered to her. She broke into tears. You’d think Dan’s own mother could take a joke.
Martha didn’t say much after that, so I volunteered to say a few words after her. I set down my porno magazine I was looking at (but not before pointing out a funny picture to Dan’s mother) and went up to the front.
“Dan...touched us deeply.” I started, determined to make my friend proud. “I still remember the times when me and him used to go strip-clubbing all night long. Those ladies got a fine booty if you know what I mean.” I winked at Mother Dan. I looked at my watch. 5:30. Perfect.
Not 10 seconds after I looked at my watch, the strippers I hired walked through the front door and started dancing for everyone. Confetti and balloons fell from the ceiling and covered the floor.
“This is the funeral that Dan would have wanted.”
