EPTINT. HIGH SCHOOL FRONT FOYER - MORNING
A bunch of high school kids are crowded around a TV screen. At the front are two large football players named BRAD and ALEX, and their attractive girlfriends SARAH and EMILY. Also there is a slightly older guy named MACK who’s, like, a total stud, you guys. Like, you don’t even know.
TV BROADCASTER: Last night, 16 year old Mary Sheard was brutally murdered in the woods by a knife-wielding maniac, or possibly a knife-wielding bear. We go live to a man who claims to have witnessed the events. He wishes to remain anonymous.
MAN (blurred out, voice distorted): It was kinda like those Scream movies, but with a visibly lower budget and crappier dialogue. It was, like, you could tell that this whole thing was going to get really boring and repetitive really fast, you know? I’d give it like 1.5 stars out of 5.
TV BROADCASTER: How inappropriate...
SARAH: I can’t believe Mary is dead, it’s so terrible.
BRAD: And to think she called me last night to see if I wanted to go with her into the woods. Good thing I already had plans in this other chick’s bedroom.
SARAH, Brad’s girlfriend, stares at him - eyes wide and mouth agasp.
MACK: Hey, does anyone else find it suspicious that there was a random witness to a murder in the middle of the woods and he wants to remain anonymous?
EMILY: I wonder who could do such a thing.
MACK: That guy, is what I’m saying. I mean, like, it’s really obvious right?
SARAH: I hope the police can figure out who did it soon.
MACK: Guys, can you not hear me? I’ve already solved it. Very easily, actually.
ALEX: Poor Mary...
MACK: Fine fuck you guys too.
BRAD: Man, the police couldn’t catch a stegosaurus at a Walmart. I say we go to the woods tonight and try to find this guy.
MACK: That’s literally the stupidest thing I’ve heard since the last time Brad opened his mouth. For multiple reasons.
BRAD: Why are you being such a pussy?
MACK: Because there’s a murderer in the woods. Do you know what that means? It means he freaking murders people. I can keep defining words if you need.
ALEX: Didn’t you hear the news though? They said it could easily just be a knife-wielding bear.
MACK: What?! How would that possibly make it better? In fact I’m pretty sure that makes it infinitely worse.
BRAD: Whatever, I need to find out what happened to Mary. Who’s with me?
ALEX, SARAH, and EMILY raise their hands. MACK does whatever the opposite of that is. He then goes into deep thought for a moment.
MACK (slowly): Alex, Emily, Brad, Sarah.
SARAH: What about us?
MACK: That’s the order you’ll probably get murdered in. I’ve studied this quite extensively.
BRAD: What the fuck are you talking about, man?
MACK: Well generally it’s in ascending order of relevancy. Being a hot chick helps your chances of making it out alive though, albeit muddy and short on clothes. I think Sarah could potentially survive - the key will be to get in a big angry fight with Brad and split up after Alex and Emily are dead. Just make sure the last thing you say to him before he gets horribly murdered is really mean and hurtful.
SARAH is now starting to tear up but is visibly taking a mental note of the advice. BRAD goes to knock out MACK. The school bell rings and MACK skips off, accidently showing his bottle of Jack Daniel’s before he gets into the bathroom.
