EPTIn short and without spoiling - there’s a house with ghosts and bad things happen in said house, pretty shocking I know. I think it has passed the point of “just bad” and into the realm of actually being entertaining again, particularly if you can watch it with people. It’s available on Netflix, so that’s nice. In either case, I’ve written this such that it should still make sense and be (hopefully) entertaining even without having seen the movie.
Bare Bones
Main girl Penny works as a tour guide at a haunted house in California. A veteran tour guide tells her to never go in the house at night but her friends convince her to let them in. Her, four friends and a couple ghost hunters including a world famous one called Keith go into the house that night. The ghosts are pissed and slowly kill everyone, as ghosts do.
Plot
Since the movie is primarily (by which I mean “exclusively”) about ghosts killing people, the easiest way to run through it is discussing the characters in order of the death. This is that.
1) Random Guy
The movie opens with three quickly forgotten young guys in front of the house. The main guy wants to get into the house by breaking a window with a tiny rock. Still, he tries to get his friends to throw it - first asking the fat guy because he’s probably stronger and then asking the black guy because he’s probably already a criminal (more on the obviously racist writer in a bit). Anyways, the main guy ends up throwing the rock. Something spooks him and he backs into traffic, getting killed by a car. Admittedly, we can’t be certain whether he died because of ghosts or natural selection.
2) Hatchet Lady
The main plot starts with Penny giving a tour of the house to some people. One of the women keeps seeing spooky things and eventually erupts into seizures and foaming of the mouth. She’s brought into an ambulance in what I’m rather certain is a zipped up body bag. That night when the main cast is in the house she returns (from the dead? I mean, you wouldn’t zip up a barely living person in a body bag right? And then release them that night?) and has a one-sided conversation with a ghost in the window from the lawn. She picks up a hatchet that was on the ground for some reason and hits herself in the neck with it for about 20 seconds while smiling and staring straight into the camera.
3) Bobo
He’s a large black man who is the groundskeeper at the house, first seen fixing the small hole in the window made by the guys at the beginning (and by “fixing”, I mean “scotch-taping cardboard over). He returns that night to feed a kitten he inexplicably keeps in a pit on the house grounds. A large-breasted blonde woman wearing about 30% of a shirt is entirely unwilling to wait 20 seconds for him to feed a kitten so she leaves. She’s clearly a soulless monster but she’s also already showed her breasts once so Bobo chases after her. He gets impaled on something somehow but we’re unsure on what, why, or how.
4) Giselle
She’s part of the core group of 5 friends and the odd one out in a group of three girls and two guys who’s not paired up. She’s adamantly opposed to the whole haunted house idea but goes anyway because she’s remarkably committed to her job as a third wheel. After the first scary encounter, Giselle wants to leave but is convinced/forced to stay. Just shortly after, she smartly decides she’s getting the hell out of there. Unfortunately, a ghost pushes her down the stairs because fuck her.
5) Ray
The black cousin of one of the main (white) characters, he’s an amateur ghost hunter. When the ghosts cause an earthquake, a thing they can do apparently, Ray’s cool ghost hunting equipment gets broken. He gets very upset at the ghosts for this and starts spitting literary masterpieces like “Fuck you, ghost” and “Damn ghost can suck my dick,” the latter sounding very unpleasant for all parties involved. Sadly, this caused the ghosts to smite the shit out of what was clearly the second coming of Hemingway.
6) Police Officer A
After Giselle died, Penny called the police and barely got through before the ghosts ate her phone battery (another thing they do, I guess). Two police officers get there eventually. The first officer goes to help a crying ghost lady but is then killed by a different ghost monster. Not to break with horror movie tradition, the police officers were frankly awful at their jobs.
7) Craig
One of the main five, he’s really into ghosts and is the one who most wanted to go to the house. Much effort was made to establish that “fuck that guy”, specifically his unwillingness to call the police when Giselle died because they could, like, totally get in trouble, you guys. Later, growing desperate as all exits are sealed, he goes to break a window with a chair. Unfortunately for him (perhaps fortunately for civilized society) one of the chair’s magical chair buddies flew up and impaled Craig through the chest. It’s a step up from Bobo’s death because we actually know what the hell is going on.
8) Keith
A world famous ghost hunter, he’s very happy to have an opportunity to go inside the Whaley House. He spends much of the movie talking to the ghosts while they answer and politely hint that they want him to fuck off. He tries to hug a little ghost girl but she runs off and screams what my ghost-to-english translator says means “Rape!” Committed to proving that inter-dimensional molestation can’t be so easily evaded, Keith chases after her. An arm reaches through a wall, grabs Keith by the head, and kills him.
9) Vanessa
Craig’s girlfriend who’s been having a serious mental breakdown since Giselle died. Eventually she gets possessed and turns all ghosty, to which Captain “Penny” Obvious says “You’re not Vanessa!” Perhaps due to an aneurism, she snaps out of it, at least until Craig dies. Now armed with a gun somehow (I think she killed the other police officer with a chair, admittedly this movie didn’t have my undivided attention), a ghost forces Vanessa to shoot herself in the heart.
10) Jake
He didn’t do much important or entertaining and is mostly significant for being the boyfriend of the main character Penny. With only himself and Penny left standing, they go to the attic because Penny remembers there’s a fire escape up there and they hope somehow the ghost monsters don’t know this. Once up there, the wall arm thing that got Keith grabs Jake’s arm. With Penny’s help, he manages to break free but is immediately beheaded by a sharp wire thing that’s there for some reason.
11) Penny
The main character, she works at the House as a tour guide. She doesn’t believe in ghosts but as an older, veteran tour guide told her “Just because you don’t believe in ghosts, doesn’t mean they don’t believe in you.” After carefully examining all the definitions of the words and phrases in that sentence, I’ve concluded it can’t possibly mean anything. Anyway, once her boyfriend dies, the weird monster thing comes out of the wall and goes after Penny. The normal ghost people show up and stop the monster. They think Penny is part of their family and want her to join them, apparently that was their deal the whole time. She explains they’re mistaken (breaking their ghost-hearts, what a jerk) and they go away. The ghosts are appeased and Penny gets away, traumatized by the events but still alive. Just kidding, she trips and falls down the stairs entirely by her own fault.
Finally we see that Penny’s ghost is permanently stuck in the house but thinks she’s still alive. Should have been more careful with the stairs after a long night of ghost fighting.
Ghosts
This movie features one of the lamest batches of ghosts we’ve seen in some time. They spend the first little while daintily floating around and answering yes or no questions by moving cups around in a circle. Their primary tactic to scare people consists of standing quietly near them until Keith points out they’re there. The coolest thing they did wasn’t even on purpose - they accidently caused an earthquake while failing to cross a portal between worlds because they can’t even do that right. Granted, they did properly smite one guy, but only after he asked the ghosts to suck his dick.
Title and Taglines
We have to give some credit for the choice of the movie’s title. Someone realized that there’s no combination of scenes in the movie that could be formed into a trailer that would make people want to watch this. So they smartly used the formulaic “Haunting in/of x”, knowing that there’s always some weird niche (that includes myself, sadly) willing to watch them. The problem is that there have been so many “Haunting in/of x” movies that even we are starting to catch on.
Here’s some possible taglines the movie could have used:
1) “There’s, like, ghosts and stuff.”
Accurately and concisely summarizes the plot while simultaneously reflecting perfectly the quality of the dialogue.
2) “Omg there are totally boobies at one point.”
I don’t think you can possibly nail the movie’s target demographic any harder.
3) “Just because you don’t believe in ghosts, doesn’t mean they don’t believe in you.”
People will flock to the theatres to see how that could possibly make any sense. They’ll leave only marginally more disappointed, because even disappointment has its limits.
Racism
At first glance, having four black characters in a movie without that many people might seem like a positive sign of diversity. But upon closer inspection, we realize that they were only included so that the writer could include all the racism he wanted. If he tried to roll it all into one character, he’d struggle to find a black actor willing to play the part without beating him up. It ranges from subtly suggesting someone is a criminal because they’re black (and by “subtly suggesting” I mean “explicitly stating”) to just generally talking like Dave Chapelle and even an “Oh Hell Naw.” Just for good measure and to ensure they’re not just using behavioural stereotypes, we hear Vanessa ask “What’s wrong with Seal?” when asking about Keith. And on that note, even the high-class, presumably wealthy, world famous ghost hunter Keith seems to be likened to some sort of African witch doctor.
Still, the movie made me realize something important - Being a black ghost hunter is probably a bad idea. You never hear about people dying recently and becoming ghosts, it’s usually someone from a few hundred years ago. What this means, of course, is that ghosts are probably racist. It just seems like very large, very dark skinned, very deep voiced man like Keith would piss off a lot of racist ghosts. We’ve seen what white supremacists dressed as ghosts can do horrible things, nevermind white supremacists with actual magical ghosts powers. Just seems unsafe, is all.
A Sample Scene, Re-Written by Me
GISELLE just mysteriously fell down the stairs, EVERYONE rushes to see if she’s okay. They quickly realize she’s dead.
PENNY: Shit. Shit, shit, shit. That’s it, I’m calling the police.
CRAIG: And tell them what? We broke into this house and our friend just mysteriously fell down the stairs and died?!
BIBBIT: He’s right. Besides, we already have the ghost-police right here! Cuff ‘em, Keith.
KEITH: I think you’ve misunderstood what I do, I’m afraid I cannot arrest them.
BIBBIT: Serious? Aren’t you a ghost hunter? Like, hunt them or something.
KEITH: I can simply communicate and observe.
BIBBIT: Wow, so more like a ghost whisperer. You’re the worst.
KEITH looks away, ashamed
BIBBIT: Anyway, what’s your favourite basketball player, rapper, and brand of fried chicken?
KEITH goes to knock out BIBBIT.
PENNY: Guys! Giselle is dead, we need to do something!
CRAIG: I say we just get out of here. Make it look like she came out here on her own, fell down the stairs on her own, and died alone. How could they tell?
BIBBIT: I feel like six people stomping around for an hour or so will leave a few clues.
PENNY: We can’t do that. Giselle was our friend and we have to call the police.
JAKE, VANESSA, KEITH, and RAY all nod in agreement.
BIBBIT: I’m with Craig, let’s just bail. Besides, I’ve already taken a dump in the stove.
VANESSA: What does that have to do with any-
PENNY: Too late, I’m calling the police.
BIBBIT: Wait just one second, please.
BIBBIT is suddenly overcome by seriousness, everyone waits to see what he has to say.
BIBBIT: Can we please just kill Jake too? I mean, like, while we’re at it, right? Pretty sure I’m just saying what we’re all thinking.
They all look at BIBBIT with disgust, except Craig who high-fives him.
Random Thoughts
- We get an understanding of the masterpiece of dialogue that awaits us right from the little introduction. One guy wants to leave the house grounds because he needs his asthma puffer, and the other guy responds “Breathing is for gays, dude.” Genius!
- In the same vain, we get to hear the world’s worst analogy. Keith likens a haunted house to a movie theatre in that you know people are there but you can’t see them and prove it. The possibilities are that it’s way too deep for me to grasp or that the writer has never been near a movie theatre.
- Trying to convince Penny to let them in the house, her friends assure her that nobody will find out. The second the conversation finishes, while everyone was still there, Craig calls someone and tells them they were going to the House that night. When the time comes, two random strangers (Keith and Ray) show up.
- We learned that earthquakes are caused by ghosts trying to cross worlds. Forget everything you thought you knew about tectonic plates!
- One of the police officers was named “Officer Downs” which just seems really unfortunate. You have to wonder how many deaths were falsely reported just from him introducing himself.
- The morning after when everyone’s found dead, we see a police officer talking to the older tour guide. He’s wielding his night stick the entire time, fully prepared to fuck up the traumatized, weeping old lady at a moment’s notice.
- On an unrelated note, I rated this movie 5/5 on Netflix to see if they would ban me for causing their ratings system to violently explode. Nothing yet, but now its suggestions of things I might want to watch mostly consist of kangaroos jerking off.
