EPTA mate of mine recently denied being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were 70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web...
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. (i dont get this one)
Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning! Can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"Forget that," says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the pavement. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today. She shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail, ya thick sod!"
19 paddies go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks, "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Things Got You Down? Well Then, Consider These.
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00 At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod
Are You OK Now? - No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What? STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
last joke, i like it the best
+ Show Spoiler +
Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong, and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."
Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Dad said, "We shore can! Hell, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we was gonna do."
Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets for two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."
Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Dad said, "We shore can! Hell, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we was gonna do."
Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets for two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
